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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
hello everyone,

I am trying to regain trust in my husband. I have been given an ultimatum and to decide until Friday to either be back together and try working things out or he will move on! It is so hard for me to make a decision..after all I finally have my own apartment and life under control now. Let me start:

In short:

Background: Married for almost 3 years, both now 28 and 30 years old.
Married both in courthouse and church. First year I have been extremely happily married, I felt so alive in having a family on my own now, he pretended so but apparently was not...

Problem: After 1 year into marriage (I was 26 and he was 28) he admitted he was curious about swinging and wouldn`t know anymore if he could live his whole life just having sex with one person. :frown2:
After many attempts from my side to find a compromise, I realized I am fully monogamous and can`t stand my husband desiring sexually someone else. It broke my heart, I felt less desired from him, my self-confidence suffered..
Because of him not getting his fantasy fulfilled, he became more and more frustrated and unhappy, even stopped having sex with me completely (claiming he can`t have sex with me unless "getting recharged" first in a swinger club) so we went to counseling for a while where I found out that he has always had tendencies into the Swinging direction but had stopped doing it when he met me cause he thought he could live without it and be the husband I wanted.
During counseling, he said it was now a lifestyle where he feels at home and which he wanted to live, that since he only lived once he didn`t want to be unhappy all his life. He said swinging was now a part of him and he doesn`t want to suppress himself..I was shocked, couldn't understand. How can sex be more important than a marriage? To me, our sex had been good enough and he had never complained before either..He said, sex with me had felt like a duty to him after 1 year).
He found more and more problems why I couldn't be the right one for him, but the sex problem always stuck out. I was so heartbroken as a good marriage means the world to me..

Now: We separated, each of us into our own apartments. I started to accept the situation even though it was really hard. Now, half a year later he realizes that he is miserable without me and knows he was wrong, made a mistake etc. He still is liberal towards sex with others, but because he knows I am completely against it, he says he will resign. He claims to just want to make me happy and have his family back.
Trying to see if things can work out again between us, we hung out and also had sex which feels now even to me awful. Not sure what happened, but he became so rough in bed, and doesn't care at all about how I feel during sex. He says everything else was too boring for him and once he feels bored he doesn't want to have sex at all anymore. Great, so in half a year or so I will have a sexless marriage and I am in my 20`s!!
He parts sex from love completely and says sex had nothing to do with love. However, he is willing to give me the sex I want, but in order to keep him happy too, he would like me to tell him during our sex about how he is having sex with another person, like a friend we both know for example. Such as: " I know how you looked at my friend Sarah the other day, and I know you wanna **** her, and rub her and bla bla bla" Basically, I have to talk him into a fantasy like this in order for him to get turned on enough to have sex with me..

I dont know if I can do this all the time though. It makes me feel like I am just a plastic doll..and not really the one he wants to have sex with?! He now claims however apart from that, that he wants to try to be a good husband and will make his family his number 1 priority, which I am happy about, but remembering our counseling sessions I don't know if I can trust in him staying happy in our monogamous marriage for the rest of our lives. I don`t know if I can believe his good intentions..
Last year, he had still said how this was a huge part of him, he feels at home with swingers and naked people etc..otherwise he would live his life unhappily and frustrated..
Omg, I have made him wait for my decision since mid of summer and now he made me an ultimatum to either decide by Friday if I want to give us another chance or not. Otherwise he will start over and end things between us completely (which means divorce!)..I just want to have a happy family and a happy husband..I still love him but I am worried that if I give him another chance he will bring back the Swinger topic in 10 years cause he realized he cant live monogamous, and I have to go through hell again..I am also worried that if I don`t say yes to getting back together and work on our marriage, that he would really have changed to being happy in a monogamous marriage and I turned him who I dearly love down :( Getting divorced would hurt me so much, like I am losing a family member, but how can I find out if things will work out?? Help me people, what can I do?
 

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He's giving you ultimatums? Something wrong with this picture. I am sorry to say your are sexually incompatible, he will not change or will try to and then revert and you will be hurt all over again. You are still young and have all the time in the world to meet a man who will love and cherish you and only want monogamous sex with you.

Your current H sounds incredibly selfish, he wants you and his cake eating also. What he is asking you to do, i.e. the fantasy talk, etc will eventually destroy your soul, (it is already beginning to), get out NOW before he destroys you. Let him meet someone who is totally ok with his activities, you are not ok with it and will never be.

You must ask for a divorce, cut all contact with him asap and move on. I know it will be painful but you do not want to wake up 10 years from now with a kid or two and a H who is 'swinging' without you or cheating on you which will definitely happen. Your H is incapable of being with just you. RUN!
 

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It's time to let him go. The two of you are sexually incompatible, and that makes for a miserable marriage. With the guy it sounds like you will always have to worry that he is getting his kicks on the side. And you deserve a loving sexual partner, you definitely deserve more than being used for his sexual outlet.

It is hugely concerning that you have to give him the "fantasy talk" in order for him to get turned on enough to have sex with you. He entered the marriage under false pretenses knowing he had a proclivity for swinging etc., and is deluding himself now if he thinks he can now be fulfilled without it.

It's heartbreaking that he feels that "regular" sex with you is boring, what a self esteem killer. I think you already know what you need to do, set yourself free.
 

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He's let you know that you will never be enough for him sexually. Over time, that will continue to wear you down more and more. You don't really want a lifetime of that. Tell him "no".

PS
Getting divorced won't hurt nearly as much as living with a man who makes it obvious that you aren't enough. Time to move on.
 

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The fact that he is giving you an ultimatum, get back with him soon or he will move on... Rings huge alarm bells. If he genuinely felt remorseful and wanted to get back with you, make you his priority and make you happy, why the ultimatum? Why put a time frame on it. If he loves you wants to make it work he would stick around and make it work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks to all who have given me responses so far. The reason for his ultimatum is that he doesn't want to stay in a limbo. And I understand that, I have just been trying to figure out how likely it will be that he becomes very unhappy again..He says he loves me and outside of sex, he is strangely very big on cuddling and holding hands and touching each other...This all doesn`t make sense to me: Being one way, but when it comes to sex being COMPLETELY a different person??

He asked me a question the other day that I can`t even answer myself anymore through all this confusion that I am going through. He asked: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

I always thought YES, however now I am not sure anymore if love is enough? I thought love conquers all, isn't that what everyone always says?
 

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Thanks to all who have given me responses so far. The reason for his ultimatum is that he doesn't want to stay in a limbo. And I understand that, I have just been trying to figure out how likely it will be that he becomes very unhappy again..He says he loves me and outside of sex, he is strangely very big on cuddling and holding hands and touching each other...This all doesn`t make sense to me: Being one way, but when it comes to sex being COMPLETELY a different person??

He asked me a question the other day that I can`t even answer myself anymore through all this confusion that I am going through. He asked: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

I always thought YES, however now I am not sure anymore if love is enough? I thought love conquers all, isn't that what everyone always says?
You said that when you had sex recently it was rough and that he needs for you to talk about him wanting other women. He's already bored and unhappy with sex with you. You cannot ever make this man happy sexually.

Love is not enough to make a marriage work. Other things like respect, compatibility and working together are also needed. So is a good sex life. It is good sex that helps keep a couple bonded. The kind of sex he wants pulls a couple apart. And it's extremely disrespectful to you.

You two are not sexually compatible. You need to love yourself and take care of yourself. If you don't, who will? If you don't and go back with him.. you are allowing him to destroy the very core of who you are.
 

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He's insecure, nasty, uncaring, manipulative, unfaithful, religiously noncompliant, violates fundamental rules of marriage, and you are ill thinking. I have a single friend who is handsome, successful but unfortunately for him, works for a drug company and is fully familiar with the various ways STD's can get transmitted. Be a good person for you to speak with.
 

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Please don't choose to return to your husband. He is bored with married sex and that's why he needs the fantasies. He is build differently from you and I, we think that to love someone means that's it's just us two. In giving ourselves to our husbands we are giving our love. He has two boxes one for love and one for sex. That's is why he can be out ****ing someone else and still want to cuddle and hold hands the next day.

He will be 100% in the future asking for swinging again. But this time you would be older and with kids. In the meantime he is going to slowly groom you to be more acceptable to his desires. He would ask you to make up fantasies, how you approach people to ask them to join you. What would you like to do if you were having group sex etc. There are books written on how to groom your partner to accepts swinging.

In time you would lose yourself. Your morals and values would be questioned. You would be broken. Do you really want to share yourself with other people just to have sex?

You are young. You will get over heartache. There is time for you to find a man who will love and adore you. Who would not want to share you or himself with other people. That's is where you happiness lies. On Friday, tell him it's over. Don't be suckered into his lies. Stay strong, you are worth more than this fool. This is excalty what I would advice my child to do.
 

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Stop wasting time with your Husband. The world is full of better people. I know divorce hurts but sometimes surgery is better then living with pain all your life. And don't look back else you won't be able to go forward.
 

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T He asked: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

I always thought YES, however now I am not sure anymore if love is enough? I thought love conquers all, isn't that what everyone always says?
Oh honey, I always thought YES too, but first, you gotta be sure the person you're in it to win it with IS in love. Like everything else about marriage and relationships that I thought was "for sure," I found out that there are all kinds of reasons why in some relationships they don't, for reasons beyond the control of one or both persons in them. And the odds are stacked against you - your h has this issue that he hid from you and now wants you to accept. If you buying a house only to discover that it its foundation was crap, wouldn't you sever the relationship with your realtor?

I agree with all the advice you've been given; spinning a fantasy so your h can have sex makes YOU do all the work (i.e., puts the responsibility of HIS sexual happiness on you), doesn't require him to deal with his issue of what healthy monogamous sex is, and eats away at your soul and your self-esteem.

There's no win-win here. You lose, and I'm not sure he wins . . . love won't conquer that.
 

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In time you would lose yourself. Your morals and values would be questioned. You would be broken. Do you really want to share yourself with other people just to have sex?
THIS!! :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

What do YOU want and how do you want to be living 5, 10, 20 years from now?
 

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no brainer, no kids short marriage cut your losses. I predict you will find a fine man who will cherish you.

good luck.
 

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You do realize that by living apart, he's in a prime position to take the liberty of being with others?

I hope you get STD tested.
 

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OP,

My heart goes out to you. I have been married for 30 years to the same women. I love her dearly but NO Love alone is NOT enough to make a marriage work. It takes hard work, trust, communication and a level of compatibility. The huge numbers of UN-happily married and divorced people will tell you that.

You and your husband are fundamentally too far apart on a critical issue in the relationship. Its time to call it quits, cut your losses, heal and move on. If you truly love him, set him free.

If you truly love yourself, set yourself free.

BTW - I could not bare even the thought of my wife having sex with someone else. I do not separate love and sex the way your husband does. To me they can be different but they are interconnected. I am not nor will ever be interested in sharing or having others involved in our sex life. Its part of the intimate connection my wife and I share. If I wanted to involve others it would relegate the marriage to not much more than a FWBs.

Be true to yourself and live well!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
Thanks for every response.
I see that the majority (or actually everyone) thinks that he eventually will want to swing in the future. That is so devastating, first of all because he is the one coming back and asking for another chance. He said that he was an idiot and now misses me and all of our photos on the wall etc...he claims he just wants to have his family back and someone who he can rely on and who is there for him. Hearing this, my first inner reaction was that I want my family back too! I want the one family back that I had before he mentioned that he was into swinging...I miss that time so much when I knew I was enough for him and could make him happy! There are good things about him, he is reliable, and outside of sex - sweet and caring to me. I know it doesn`t make sense at all..
But, as I said, when we tried getting back together then we noticed how sex didn't really work, and that whenever we did it my way (and I will carefully call it "the normal way") he didn`t get anything from it (sometimes we would have to stop in the middle of it, sometimes we weren`t even able to start..). This is so frustrating because his words were "Lets give it a real try this time!", promising that he would do anything to make us work..

I once read that people shouldn`t give sex too much importance as - sooner or later, especially when you get older- it will diminish anyways. I have been debating if I could just accept that we are sexually incompatible and keep our marriage, but how would that look like then? Eventually we would probably have an open marriage. Him having other women and me having other men. That is actually not what I imagined of a marriage. I wish I could just look over it and not care, knowing that he just needs something different in bed and live on with him. But where would that leave me? Cause I am not the type for one night stands. So I would have to get to know someone I trust first in order to have sex with that person. ....why am I even thinking about this?! This is not going to work anyways! :(
 
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