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Hello everyone,

So, I am new here. 33 year old gay male, been with my husband for almost 16 years. For the past 2 years he has demanded an open relationship, and after numerous times of catching him cheating and him getting sti’s twice I had just given up. I already suffer from PTSD (diagnosed 7 years ago), and I am a lymphoma survivor. I have issues, and I don’t know if they are playing a part in what he’s done but I need some advice while I seek out a new therapist. Mine was not very helpful I feel, and attempted to shift the blame for what happened on me.

Alright; so to say I’ve had a messed up marriage, well that’s an understatement. I can never do anything right, can never make enough money, never be good enough. My husband is a drunk, and I suspect mentally ill but I’m not a psychiatrist. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a very dark place. My dog was killed and she was everything to me. She was my best friend, and my only real source of unconditional love. I was suicidal for a short period of time, and my husband placed a gun in front of me and told me to “do it”. Just to give a bit of a background of how my husband operates.

Now, for why I’m here now. Last weekend he sexually assaulted me I believe. As I said; he demanded an open marriage, an arrangement that I never once personally acted on but he has numerous times. I am just so depressed that I’ve lost my will to even care what he does anymore. Well, last weekend I finally decided to break my 9 month quarantine of never leaving the house and went to hang out with a good friend of mine who has also been very diligent during the pandemic. He is also a gay man, but there has never been anything sexual with him. Well, I went over there for a few hours and came home. Let my husband who was already in bed that I was home and sat down to wind down. He came out of the bedroom, and grilled me for 2 hours. Demanding that I had sex with my friend, which I did not but with his open relationship rules it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After the grilling came the begging, apparently he hadn’t found someone that night. Eventually I admittedly gave in, but very quickly changed my mind. I told him I was uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. He proceeded to tell me “if you can take him you can take me” and forcefully penetrated me. I reacted on instinct and he ended up with a black eye. He followed me out of the bedroom, I was struggling to get my voice, and I told him “you just tried to raped me”. His excuse was I left him “all worked up that night”. What? Anyway, I said I’m done and that I’m calling the police. He told me that if I did, would press charges for the black eye I gave him defending myself and that I would be arrested. He told me that I am worthless, and no one is going to believe me. He triggered my depression, and I just went into my dark place where I’ve been for the past week. I reached out to my therapist who told me flat out “I shouldn’t have agreed to have sex and then rescind”. That does not sound right to me, and I am left wondering what to do. I have no friends, no family, and I am only getting unemployment right now due to the pandemic. Any thoughts? Advice? Much appreciated in advance.
 

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He did rape you. Period. You told him to stop and he penetrated you after you said that. As long as that's the sequence of events, he didn't try to rape you, he did.

What you do with that is up to you. It's not an easy thing, whether gay or straight. Male or female. You're married and there are assumptions people will make that are kind of barbaric. A couple months ago my wife wanted to have sex with me to smooth some things over that needed to be dealt with, and I wasn't going to have any of that. I told her no, and she really didn't understand that it was within my rights to say no, this isn't going to happen. She kept going at it and I had to force her hand away. Totally weird. I brought it up in counseling and like yeah, women can rape men. My wife got told, as it were. Just sayin' there's support for you, that we're better off today than 20 years ago, but it's still going to be ugly going through the process.

I wish you the best.
 

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You need to leave him and not look back. He's a manipulative monster. Use the unemployment while you have it as a stepping stone out the door. Go to a hotel for a few nights, then find a cheap room to rent and a decent therapist. A regular GP can prescribe an anti depressant and anti anxiety meds until you recover. Then you can look for a job which will help your self-esteem.
If you continue to put up with this, you will only get worse. I know it's scary to leave, especially when you don't have a network of support. But there are many online groups out there that you can reach out to, including this one, that can help you feel less alone. Talk to your friend you saw last night, maybe he can help you with getting away from your husband. You deserve better.
 

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Thank you both for your responses. I am on medication for depression, but my psychiatrist is beginning to believe I am medication resistant because nothing works. We’ve been through allot of meds. Anyway, yeah I know I need to get out. I reached out to a long distance friend that I game online with, and she made the suggestion that I leave when he’s not home so things don’t get ugly. I guess that’s what she was told when she left her abusive husband. Looking at extended stay rooms, and I do have enough in savings to get by for a little while. I was just laid off because our clinic started limiting services, and I’ve looked but not many veterinary clinics hiring right now unfortunately.
 

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Thank you both for your responses. I am on medication for depression, but my psychiatrist is beginning to believe I am medication resistant because nothing works. We’ve been through allot of meds. Anyway, yeah I know I need to get out. I reached out to a long distance friend that I game online with, and she made the suggestion that I leave when he’s not home so things don’t get ugly. I guess that’s what she was told when she left her abusive husband. Looking at extended stay rooms, and I do have enough in savings to get by for a little while. I was just laid off because our clinic started limiting services, and I’ve looked but not many veterinary clinics hiring right now unfortunately.
Could be you have situational depression which would another reason you need to leave. Not knowing your legal status, but you could be eligible for spousal support until your field opens up again.
 

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Hello everyone,

So, I am new here. 33 year old gay male, been with my husband for almost 16 years. For the past 2 years he has demanded an open relationship, and after numerous times of catching him cheating and him getting sti’s twice I had just given up. I already suffer from PTSD (diagnosed 7 years ago), and I am a lymphoma survivor. I have issues, and I don’t know if they are playing a part in what he’s done but I need some advice while I seek out a new therapist. Mine was not very helpful I feel, and attempted to shift the blame for what happened on me.

Alright; so to say I’ve had a messed up marriage, well that’s an understatement. I can never do anything right, can never make enough money, never be good enough. My husband is a drunk, and I suspect mentally ill but I’m not a psychiatrist. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a very dark place. My dog was killed and she was everything to me. She was my best friend, and my only real source of unconditional love. I was suicidal for a short period of time, and my husband placed a gun in front of me and told me to “do it”. Just to give a bit of a background of how my husband operates.

Now, for why I’m here now. Last weekend he sexually assaulted me I believe. As I said; he demanded an open marriage, an arrangement that I never once personally acted on but he has numerous times. I am just so depressed that I’ve lost my will to even care what he does anymore. Well, last weekend I finally decided to break my 9 month quarantine of never leaving the house and went to hang out with a good friend of mine who has also been very diligent during the pandemic. He is also a gay man, but there has never been anything sexual with him. Well, I went over there for a few hours and came home. Let my husband who was already in bed that I was home and sat down to wind down. He came out of the bedroom, and grilled me for 2 hours. Demanding that I had sex with my friend, which I did not but with his open relationship rules it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After the grilling came the begging, apparently he hadn’t found someone that night. Eventually I admittedly gave in, but very quickly changed my mind. I told him I was uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. He proceeded to tell me “if you can take him you can take me” and forcefully penetrated me. I reacted on instinct and he ended up with a black eye. He followed me out of the bedroom, I was struggling to get my voice, and I told him “you just tried to raped me”. His excuse was I left him “all worked up that night”. What? Anyway, I said I’m done and that I’m calling the police. He told me that if I did, would press charges for the black eye I gave him defending myself and that I would be arrested. He told me that I am worthless, and no one is going to believe me. He triggered my depression, and I just went into my dark place where I’ve been for the past week. I reached out to my therapist who told me flat out “I shouldn’t have agreed to have sex and then rescind”. That does not sound right to me, and I am left wondering what to do. I have no friends, no family, and I am only getting unemployment right now due to the pandemic. Any thoughts? Advice? Much appreciated in advance.
What are you doing with this Monster? Get out now!
 

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Thank you all for the words of encouragement, and I made a reservation at an extended stay hotel where I can have my PTSD service dog with me. I’m leaving as soon as he goes to work, so I can get my most important belongings out without any trouble. Thank you all.
You should block his phone number as soon as you leave. If you feel you need to let him know that you left, then leave a note.
 

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What you need to do is just divorce him, but go ahead and move out and get yourself a couple of dogs. This whole thing is just abusive. He doesn't care about your problems, only about himself. He did rape you. I'm actually glad you gave him a black eye. But I don't want you to stay there. I want you to get your stuff and get an attorney and file papers on him. He just sounds awful and why live your one life that way? A couple of dogs WILL make you happier. Do you have someplace you can go?

You can get an attorney and however the settlement is, the fees should just come out of that. You could call the police and explain you gave him a black eye as he was forcing sex on you, but I don't see them doing much except telling one of you to leave the residence for the night, such is how they handle domestic abuse.

So just make up your mind to get out of this union and start working on it. Meanwhile, try to go stay with somebody. Get a lot of your stuff out (personal stuff) while he's at work. Please keep us posted. So sorry this happened.
 
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As for employment at vet clinics, some clinics are choosing not to do much due to Covid, but others are swamped because some aren't fully functioning, so don't assume no one is hiring. Do check with everyone, and meanwhile, you can get a delivery job or something like that to just hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I’m continuing to look for clinics hiring, but no luck yet. I’ll keep at it though. I’m only taking my PTSD dog, my computer, clothes, phone, etc. everything else is either replaceable or can be argued over during divorce. I am going to look up divorce attorneys once I am safe, blocking his number and not leaving a trace of where I am going. I used a credit card in my name that he doesn’t know about to book my room. My Great Dane will be allowed, even though they have a no pet policy because he is my service dog (real deal years of training). I think with him, and getting myself into a space where I can breathe I can actually make the changes I need to.
 

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Thank you all for the words of encouragement, and I made a reservation at an extended stay hotel where I can have my PTSD service dog with me. I’m leaving as soon as he goes to work, so I can get my most important belongings out without any trouble. Thank you all.
Make sure someone knows where you are. Don't tell him where you are, and if he shows up call the police.
 

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Oh honey please leave immediately. You are in a dv marriage. No one deserves this.

Your friend is right, leave while he's out, so that you can get out safely. But BEFORE you leave, make sure you have all your important papers, including marriage certificate and copies of each stored in a safe place OFF SITE. Also either get a new phone, or factory reset your current phone so he can't track you.

Your environment is contributing to both your PTSD and Depression, I'm willing to bet.
 

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Thank you all. My dog Zeus, and I are in a safe place. My family back in Michigan that I trust know what’s going on and where I am. Thank you for the tip about all of my documentation, because it had honestly slipped my mind. The lady that was here when I checked in had not dealt with a service dog, let alone one that is 200lbs so she had questions. I explained to her that it was a domestic violence issue, and that to please keep my stay confidential should anyone call. Didn’t go into detail, just that I am escaping abuse and explained about Zeus being my service animal. Going to be in contact with divorce attorneys Monday morning, and the domestic abuse hotline in the morning. Thank you to everyone who helped me gain the courage to get out ❤.
 

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Hello everyone,

So, I am new here. 33 year old gay male, been with my husband for almost 16 years. For the past 2 years he has demanded an open relationship, and after numerous times of catching him cheating and him getting sti’s twice I had just given up. I already suffer from PTSD (diagnosed 7 years ago), and I am a lymphoma survivor. I have issues, and I don’t know if they are playing a part in what he’s done but I need some advice while I seek out a new therapist. Mine was not very helpful I feel, and attempted to shift the blame for what happened on me.

Alright; so to say I’ve had a messed up marriage, well that’s an understatement. I can never do anything right, can never make enough money, never be good enough. My husband is a drunk, and I suspect mentally ill but I’m not a psychiatrist. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a very dark place. My dog was killed and she was everything to me. She was my best friend, and my only real source of unconditional love. I was suicidal for a short period of time, and my husband placed a gun in front of me and told me to “do it”. Just to give a bit of a background of how my husband operates.

Now, for why I’m here now. Last weekend he sexually assaulted me I believe. As I said; he demanded an open marriage, an arrangement that I never once personally acted on but he has numerous times. I am just so depressed that I’ve lost my will to even care what he does anymore. Well, last weekend I finally decided to break my 9 month quarantine of never leaving the house and went to hang out with a good friend of mine who has also been very diligent during the pandemic. He is also a gay man, but there has never been anything sexual with him. Well, I went over there for a few hours and came home. Let my husband who was already in bed that I was home and sat down to wind down. He came out of the bedroom, and grilled me for 2 hours. Demanding that I had sex with my friend, which I did not but with his open relationship rules it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After the grilling came the begging, apparently he hadn’t found someone that night. Eventually I admittedly gave in, but very quickly changed my mind. I told him I was uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. He proceeded to tell me “if you can take him you can take me” and forcefully penetrated me. I reacted on instinct and he ended up with a black eye. He followed me out of the bedroom, I was struggling to get my voice, and I told him “you just tried to raped me”. His excuse was I left him “all worked up that night”. What? Anyway, I said I’m done and that I’m calling the police. He told me that if I did, would press charges for the black eye I gave him defending myself and that I would be arrested. He told me that I am worthless, and no one is going to believe me. He triggered my depression, and I just went into my dark place where I’ve been for the past week. I reached out to my therapist who told me flat out “I shouldn’t have agreed to have sex and then rescind”. That does not sound right to me, and I am left wondering what to do. I have no friends, no family, and I am only getting unemployment right now due to the pandemic. Any thoughts? Advice? Much appreciated in advance.
Please seek help and get a divorce, do you have rights in a divorce court, I am not sure about your situation, so speak to a lawyer?
You were only 17 when you got into a relationship with this monster? How old is he? How long has he been abusive?
The dynamic in your relationship is one of control and abuse. You are still young, get out of this relationship, and stay out before it destroys you.
Please do not under any circumstances go back to him.
 

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..... Anyway, yeah I know I need to get out. I reached out to a long distance friend that I game online with, and she made the suggestion that I leave when he’s not home so things don’t get ugly. I guess that’s what she was told when she left her abusive husband. Looking at extended stay rooms, and I do have enough in savings to get by for a little while. I was just laid off because our clinic started limiting services, and I’ve looked but not many veterinary clinics hiring right now unfortunately.
A few thoughts. Yes you are in an abusive situation. To me putting a handgun in front of you and telling you to "do it." is more horrific than the other things, although rape is very bad within marriage. I have had to live with my wife being scarred by a suicide in her family and enabling a suicide is an extreme hot button in my book. You giving him a black eye was also not good. But you have made the decision to get out. Congratulations.

You need to get some legal/financial advice on divorce and develop a plan. Some things to include are getting your mail forwarded by the postal service so you get and can pay bills you owe. Figuring out how to untangle finances, such as joint payment/ownership of home, rental lease, utilities, checking, credit cards, etc.

A long time ago, I worked with a guy who had served his time for murdering his wife. She had abused him (hitting him with rolling pin or frying pan) for years. Eventually, one day he snapped took the cast iron frying pan from her and hit her on the head. She dies, he told the police what happened and that he was sad about what he had done, he was charged and the jury convicted him of murder. The point is you really need to get out of an abusive relationship and the quicker the better.

Good luck.
 

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Thank you all. My dog Zeus, and I are in a safe place. My family back in Michigan that I trust know what’s going on and where I am. Thank you for the tip about all of my documentation, because it had honestly slipped my mind. The lady that was here when I checked in had not dealt with a service dog, let alone one that is 200lbs so she had questions. I explained to her that it was a domestic violence issue, and that to please keep my stay confidential should anyone call. Didn’t go into detail, just that I am escaping abuse and explained about Zeus being my service animal. Going to be in contact with divorce attorneys Monday morning, and the domestic abuse hotline in the morning. Thank you to everyone who helped me gain the courage to get out ❤.
So glad to hear that you're out of there. Please don't go back. Whatever happens from now, you'll be just fine, I promise.

Very brave - well done xx
 

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Hello everyone,

So, I am new here. 33 year old gay male, been with my husband for almost 16 years. For the past 2 years he has demanded an open relationship, and after numerous times of catching him cheating and him getting sti’s twice I had just given up. I already suffer from PTSD (diagnosed 7 years ago), and I am a lymphoma survivor. I have issues, and I don’t know if they are playing a part in what he’s done but I need some advice while I seek out a new therapist. Mine was not very helpful I feel, and attempted to shift the blame for what happened on me.

Alright; so to say I’ve had a messed up marriage, well that’s an understatement. I can never do anything right, can never make enough money, never be good enough. My husband is a drunk, and I suspect mentally ill but I’m not a psychiatrist. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a very dark place. My dog was killed and she was everything to me. She was my best friend, and my only real source of unconditional love. I was suicidal for a short period of time, and my husband placed a gun in front of me and told me to “do it”. Just to give a bit of a background of how my husband operates.

Now, for why I’m here now. Last weekend he sexually assaulted me I believe. As I said; he demanded an open marriage, an arrangement that I never once personally acted on but he has numerous times. I am just so depressed that I’ve lost my will to even care what he does anymore. Well, last weekend I finally decided to break my 9 month quarantine of never leaving the house and went to hang out with a good friend of mine who has also been very diligent during the pandemic. He is also a gay man, but there has never been anything sexual with him. Well, I went over there for a few hours and came home. Let my husband who was already in bed that I was home and sat down to wind down. He came out of the bedroom, and grilled me for 2 hours. Demanding that I had sex with my friend, which I did not but with his open relationship rules it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After the grilling came the begging, apparently he hadn’t found someone that night. Eventually I admittedly gave in, but very quickly changed my mind. I told him I was uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. He proceeded to tell me “if you can take him you can take me” and forcefully penetrated me. I reacted on instinct and he ended up with a black eye. He followed me out of the bedroom, I was struggling to get my voice, and I told him “you just tried to raped me”. His excuse was I left him “all worked up that night”. What? Anyway, I said I’m done and that I’m calling the police. He told me that if I did, would press charges for the black eye I gave him defending myself and that I would be arrested. He told me that I am worthless, and no one is going to believe me. He triggered my depression, and I just went into my dark place where I’ve been for the past week. I reached out to my therapist who told me flat out “I shouldn’t have agreed to have sex and then rescind”. That does not sound right to me, and I am left wondering what to do. I have no friends, no family, and I am only getting unemployment right now due to the pandemic. Any thoughts? Advice? Much appreciated in advance.
Technically the theripist is right, but not for the reason he or she was thinking. You simply should never have given in. But regardless, you still had the right to withdraw consent. If he penetrated you against your will, even once, that's not attempted rape, that's rape. Period. Done. Cut and Print. Multiple thrusts not needed.

GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! As a poly/open person, I can tell you with certainty, none of what he is doing is right. You are in an abusive relationship and you deserve better. You are nowhere near worthless.

Look up Kink Aware Professionals. While homosexuality is not a kink, a kink aware person will certainly be better able to help you that your other therapist. At this point, I would probably not peruse the rape charge. There is, sadly, too much prejudice, and too much time for hope for anything. It's wrong, but there is still a lot we need to fix. Unless you happen to find a lawyer that is sure he can make it stick.

And in the future be very careful about who you start dating. It has been shown that people who have been in abusive relationship tend to pick other abusive people to get into relationship with. So, please be careful, and don't fall into the trap that too many other abused spouses have fallen into.

Edit to add: SO glad to see that you are doing all the right steps to escape this monster. If you have family you trust, then maybe have them canvas their local area for job opportunities. With PTSD, you are ineligible for military (you come across as young enough you might still otherwise qualify), but many bases have vet clinics and services, and there is a lot of civilian hiring. Also look at jobs that are not vet clinics, but use that same experience/education (not sure what your exact experience is). Working for businesses that use animals regularly and keep such people on staff, or something similar.

Good luck.
 

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Hello everyone,

So, I am new here. 33 year old gay male, been with my husband for almost 16 years. For the past 2 years he has demanded an open relationship, and after numerous times of catching him cheating and him getting sti’s twice I had just given up. I already suffer from PTSD (diagnosed 7 years ago), and I am a lymphoma survivor. I have issues, and I don’t know if they are playing a part in what he’s done but I need some advice while I seek out a new therapist. Mine was not very helpful I feel, and attempted to shift the blame for what happened on me.

Alright; so to say I’ve had a messed up marriage, well that’s an understatement. I can never do anything right, can never make enough money, never be good enough. My husband is a drunk, and I suspect mentally ill but I’m not a psychiatrist. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a very dark place. My dog was killed and she was everything to me. She was my best friend, and my only real source of unconditional love. I was suicidal for a short period of time, and my husband placed a gun in front of me and told me to “do it”. Just to give a bit of a background of how my husband operates.

Now, for why I’m here now. Last weekend he sexually assaulted me I believe. As I said; he demanded an open marriage, an arrangement that I never once personally acted on but he has numerous times. I am just so depressed that I’ve lost my will to even care what he does anymore. Well, last weekend I finally decided to break my 9 month quarantine of never leaving the house and went to hang out with a good friend of mine who has also been very diligent during the pandemic. He is also a gay man, but there has never been anything sexual with him. Well, I went over there for a few hours and came home. Let my husband who was already in bed that I was home and sat down to wind down. He came out of the bedroom, and grilled me for 2 hours. Demanding that I had sex with my friend, which I did not but with his open relationship rules it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After the grilling came the begging, apparently he hadn’t found someone that night. Eventually I admittedly gave in, but very quickly changed my mind. I told him I was uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. He proceeded to tell me “if you can take him you can take me” and forcefully penetrated me. I reacted on instinct and he ended up with a black eye. He followed me out of the bedroom, I was struggling to get my voice, and I told him “you just tried to raped me”. His excuse was I left him “all worked up that night”. What? Anyway, I said I’m done and that I’m calling the police. He told me that if I did, would press charges for the black eye I gave him defending myself and that I would be arrested. He told me that I am worthless, and no one is going to believe me. He triggered my depression, and I just went into my dark place where I’ve been for the past week. I reached out to my therapist who told me flat out “I shouldn’t have agreed to have sex and then rescind”. That does not sound right to me, and I am left wondering what to do. I have no friends, no family, and I am only getting unemployment right now due to the pandemic. Any thoughts? Advice? Much appreciated in advance.
I am so sorry this happened. Yes, he tried ro rape you. Yes, you had every right to defend yourself. No, you weren't wrong for changing your mind.

FIRE YOUR THERAPIST. You are being abused. You need a therapist specializing in trauma.

If it isn't safe to leave yet, start covertly making your exit plan. Find support to help you execute it. Have a person you can call if you need an emergency exit.

You are worthy.
 
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