It's funny, I came to this site by googling "husband emailing ex girlfriend" and it's amazing how many posts there are about this. My story is a little different -- maybe not as serious as some of these posts I'm reading, but still upsetting. My husband started an email correspondence on Facebook with an ex-girlfriend about 2 years ago. I found out when I was using his computer and he left his facebook account open. I saw her in his list of friends and thought 'when did that happen?" and then checked his email and saw to my horror that they'd been emailing back and forth, almost every day, for about three weeks. I was devastated.
The emails were not sexual or like he was trying to get her back, more along the lines of "remember when?" inside jokes, compliments, etc. I still felt they were inappropriate for a married man. The fact that he hadn't mentioned it at all was the biggest red flag to me.
When I confronted my husband he was remorseful and said he had emailed her (he did start it by friending her) to say hello, and he figured they would just exchange a few emails and it would die out like most contact with old friends does. He said I was reading too much into the emails in terms of tone, although he admitted that his emails might have been a little too personal (you know, when you've dated someone for years, you talk to them in a way that you would never talk to someone of the opposite sex who you meet, say, at a soccer game). He pointed out that she lives on the other side of the US, so there was no chance that they would meet. He hadn't mentioned it to me because they'd started emailing and then there were several and he knew I'd be upset. He volunteered that he would immediately stop since I was upset, and if she emailed him he would let me read any future emails he sent her, which he did.
I actually had to go to counseling over this, although in fairness we had several friends who were getting divorces around that time so I was freaked out.
So, he'll often leave his computer on with his Facebook page open (which I guess means he doesn't hide it.) On occasion, I would check his email, just to see what was going on. I come from a family where there were a lot of divorces, and it helped me to feel more secure to see that he wasn't contacting her. She actually emailed him from time to time afterwards -- about every four months or so-- and it was gratifying to see that he would only email her back something cursory (although he didn't show me these), or not at all. It's been almost a year since she last emailed him. However, in the meantime, she and her husband have moved back to the East Coast where we live.
Today my husband is coming back from a week-long trip overseas. I suddenly got that "check his email" feeling. I swear I have some minor ESP. I checked his phone while he was in the shower, and sure enough, discovered he emailed her while he was gone on the business trip. All he did was congratulate her on getting a new job, which he said he heard through the grapevine. But why not just post congratulations on her facebook page? Why the email?
So now I'm supposed to be excited that he's home and ready to jump all over him, and instead I'm upset and thinking, "why?? why would he start this up again?? why does he keep contact when he knows it upsets me? why would he do this on a business trip?? Is it really nothing??" We've been married 20 years, and until this email thing happened I would have said there was no more faithful husband on the planet. We have such a fun, and enriching marriage. I thought I was lucky. I do not understand why he needs to be getting attention from an ex-girlfriend. If he had just been forthcoming about getting in contact with her in the beginning, maybe it wouldn't upset me so much. But it does.
Men, call us naive but women love the fantasy of Prince Charming who is only interested in them. That's what makes us feel loving and sexual towards someone. I don't know how I'm even going to look him in the face without feeling upset.
Am I making too much of this?
The emails were not sexual or like he was trying to get her back, more along the lines of "remember when?" inside jokes, compliments, etc. I still felt they were inappropriate for a married man. The fact that he hadn't mentioned it at all was the biggest red flag to me.
When I confronted my husband he was remorseful and said he had emailed her (he did start it by friending her) to say hello, and he figured they would just exchange a few emails and it would die out like most contact with old friends does. He said I was reading too much into the emails in terms of tone, although he admitted that his emails might have been a little too personal (you know, when you've dated someone for years, you talk to them in a way that you would never talk to someone of the opposite sex who you meet, say, at a soccer game). He pointed out that she lives on the other side of the US, so there was no chance that they would meet. He hadn't mentioned it to me because they'd started emailing and then there were several and he knew I'd be upset. He volunteered that he would immediately stop since I was upset, and if she emailed him he would let me read any future emails he sent her, which he did.
I actually had to go to counseling over this, although in fairness we had several friends who were getting divorces around that time so I was freaked out.
So, he'll often leave his computer on with his Facebook page open (which I guess means he doesn't hide it.) On occasion, I would check his email, just to see what was going on. I come from a family where there were a lot of divorces, and it helped me to feel more secure to see that he wasn't contacting her. She actually emailed him from time to time afterwards -- about every four months or so-- and it was gratifying to see that he would only email her back something cursory (although he didn't show me these), or not at all. It's been almost a year since she last emailed him. However, in the meantime, she and her husband have moved back to the East Coast where we live.
Today my husband is coming back from a week-long trip overseas. I suddenly got that "check his email" feeling. I swear I have some minor ESP. I checked his phone while he was in the shower, and sure enough, discovered he emailed her while he was gone on the business trip. All he did was congratulate her on getting a new job, which he said he heard through the grapevine. But why not just post congratulations on her facebook page? Why the email?
So now I'm supposed to be excited that he's home and ready to jump all over him, and instead I'm upset and thinking, "why?? why would he start this up again?? why does he keep contact when he knows it upsets me? why would he do this on a business trip?? Is it really nothing??" We've been married 20 years, and until this email thing happened I would have said there was no more faithful husband on the planet. We have such a fun, and enriching marriage. I thought I was lucky. I do not understand why he needs to be getting attention from an ex-girlfriend. If he had just been forthcoming about getting in contact with her in the beginning, maybe it wouldn't upset me so much. But it does.
Men, call us naive but women love the fantasy of Prince Charming who is only interested in them. That's what makes us feel loving and sexual towards someone. I don't know how I'm even going to look him in the face without feeling upset.
Am I making too much of this?
It's understandable that you worried when he started talking with the ex without telling you, and also when he didn't post on FB instead of e-mailing the congratulations message, but it's good that you can be honest to each other and your husband does care for you much more than the ex, which means nothing to him (but maybe a small "revenge" to show her that she dumped a nice guy).
