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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so I've posted a couple of times here about my marriage. My husband of 6 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on sept. 26 of this year. I was shocked, begged for a chance and for him to really try. He said he liked flirting with other women and didn't find me attractive but not sure if he wanted a divorce. He said he would try. A couple of weeks later I started getting a gut feeling there was someone else. He of course denied it. I guilted him into admitting he talked to a 26 year old female co worker but it was innocent. I didn't believe him but had no proof so I told him he needed to choose between talking with her and being with me. He chose being with me. Fast forward to a week ago. I found the secret cell phone. Many texts about how hot he thought she was and just give him time and he will divorce me etc. when confronted he was very remorseful said he didn't love her, he just wanted to screw her. Long story short he says he feels like he owes it to the kids and me to give us a real try. The catch is she still works with him. He ended things with her and management knows about it and told them both that if it continued she would be fired on the spot. From reading the texts I got the impression that he was more into it than her, that she more or less just liked the attention and control she had. My question is has anyone heard of people involved in something like this continuing to work together platonically? He says he can handle it.
 

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NO he CANT. NO he CANT. NO he CANT!!!!!!!!! Please take my word for this if you do NOTHING else- HE CANT Handle IT! He will keep going back and if not her then someone else until you get to the bottom of 'why'? But for now he needs NC- immediately. Transfer to another dept. whatever. My H had to leave his job to get NC. It was the ONLY way to pull him out of his "feelings" for her. This is not acceptable. It wont work.

You are expected to just smile and pack his lunch and send him off to HER everyday???? Is that his plan??? Business as usual?
 

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Start reading forum threads. You will find that proximity of an OW or OM prevents reconciliation.

Here is how to understand it:

--he is obsessed with her

--he is sexually attracted to her and infatuated with her

--he has spent a lot of time and effort to court her

--he took the trouble to buy a secret cell, for goodness' sake

He gets a hormonal reward "hit" in the brain from any interaction with her. That includes calling her, messaging her, texting her, whatever communication form he was using. But it also includes SEEING HER without saying a word.

Hitting on her became an escapist fantasy for him--highly, highly addictive. Not technically physically addictive, but an extremely bad habit--a compulsion. Compulsions (like shoppaholism, gambling) involve a hormonal / dopamine reward circuit that can actually be measured in the brain physiologically--since taking an interest with her you can actually measure the difference in his brain (if you had a baseline view of his brain from before his attachment).

Worse still, you have evidence that this relationship may have been largely one-sided. One-sided obsessions are extremely tough to crack. In other words, if it's true it never went physical, she's 'the one who got away.' His ruminating and obsessing over her is a way for him to forget, temporarily, that's he's married, tied down, committed to one person, middle-aged, must work to pay the bills, etc., all of that stuff that causes anxiety, stress, and depression.

Some people turn to alcohol; he turned to this co-worker. This isn't just a switch that he flips because you found the phone and his boss is watching. I know it's an enormous thing to ask, but I would not risk my marriage over his keeping that job.
 

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Start reading forum threads. You will find that proximity of an OW or OM prevents reconciliation.

Here is how to understand it:

--he is obsessed with her--he is sexually attracted to her and infatuated with her
--he has spent a lot of time and effort to court her

--he took the trouble to buy a secret cell, for goodness' sake

He gets a hormonal reward "hit" in the brain from any interaction with her. That includes calling her, messaging her, texting her, whatever communication form he was using. But it also includes SEEING HER without saying a word.

Hitting on her became an escapist fantasy for him--highly, highly addictive. Not technically physically addictive, but an extremely bad habit--a compulsion. Compulsions (like shoppaholism, gambling) involve a hormonal / dopamine reward circuit that can actually be measured in the brain physiologically--since taking an interest with her you can actually measure the difference in his brain (if you had a baseline view of his brain from before his attachment).

Worse still, you have evidence that this relationship may have been largely one-sided. One-sided obsessions are extremely tough to crack. In other words, if it's true it never went physical, she's 'the one who got away.' His ruminating and obsessing over her is a way for him to forget, temporarily, that's he's married, tied down, committed to one person, middle-aged, must work to pay the bills, etc., all of that stuff that causes anxiety, stress, and depression.

Some people turn to alcohol; he turned to this co-worker. This isn't just a switch that he flips because you found the phone and his boss is watching. I know it's an enormous thing to ask, but I would not risk my marriage over his keeping that job.
I had to answer THIS very question. No way was I ever A) gonna get the full truth B) was he ever going to even start detaching significantly enough for R- As long as there is ANY ANY kind of interaction. That means as little as "hello" in the hall each morning. SHe will never leave his head while there is proximity to her. Never. Take it from someone who has lived THIS very scenerio. He has to leave that job or she does. The longer this goes on the less likely it is to end in your favor.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I felt that she should leave the position as well. He is a doctor and she is one of his assistants. He pretty much told me that if he wanted her gone she would be, but that he would resent me for making him do that and going without help until they find a replacement for her. His office manager doesn't want to get HR involved because it would be messy. Part of me wondered if I should contact HR annonomously. I just don't know what to do.
 

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Here's a question for you--did your husband tell HR about the secret cell phone? If I were HR, I'd be mighty, mighty concerned about this assistant's ability to sue for sexual harrassment. YOU should be concerned about this too, and this is an excellent reason for telling your husband he should quit. (There is no question of her quitting--the company would have a lawsuit on its hands that very second.)

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Cris7, I hope you don't mind, but I'm linking your other threads in the forum and quoting the most relevant posts so people have the full picture.

(the link below goes to page 2 of that thread, where she discovered the EA)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/59173-help-2.html#post1177376

Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!
Ok I have more to add. I have a friend that works in the same office as my husband and his assistant. She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on. She also said that yesterday my husband was distant towards her like he said he would be. My friend is going to keep an eye on things for me. I am also getting the assistants cell number so I can check our phone bill to see if he contacts her outside of work. My gut is telling me that this was just flirting that was going down a path of something more, but my husband admitted it to me and agrees it was wrong and that he will stop. He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark. He tells me he loves me. Am I silly to think we have a chance? My game plan as of now is to just be the best mom and wife I can be to show him how good things can be.
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http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-says-no-passion-desire-me-but-great-sex.html

Ok so my husband told me recently that he has lost a spark for me and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. He says that he doesn't feel a desire or spark for me. We are working on things. The confusing thing is ever since he told me how he felt our sex has been great. He is very passionate and the frequency has increased. When I asked him about it he said that he would think about other women and direct the passion towards me. I can believe that to a point, but it has been going on for a month and a half now. He makes eye contact with me and caresses my face and body. I want to know from the guys out there, is it likely that he isn't feeling any desire for me? Can men really fake passion like that? Or is he still feeling a little something for me?
Some background information. I suffered depression after our youngest was born and wasn't the most supportive wife. I was sad most of the time and just didn't enjoy life. I did the bare minimum while my husband worked very hard. It's went on for 3 years. He says he feels that his love was just chipped away during that time and he's not sure how to get it back. He recently turned 39 and he lost a very good friend to suicide. He said that made him look at his life and wonder if he wants to spend the other half of it unhappy. I came out of my depression a couple of weeks before he told me all of this. I feel wonderful. So much more energy. I've lost 25 lbs and am taking much better care of myself. His eyes started wandering and he has started flirting but has said he will stop to try and make it work with me
Deep down I think he wants it to work with me. The way I see it, why would he tell me all of these things if he didn't want to get things out in the open. He also has told me that he started talking to a much younger co-worker very casually about relationship issues she had and then he would say things like he understood. He says he's leaning towards a divorce, but he doesn't know. I really feel like he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to be the best I can be for now and hope that he comes around. I'm certainly not going to pressure him at this point.
 

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I felt that she should leave the position as well. He is a doctor and she is one of his assistants. He pretty much told me that if he wanted her gone she would be, but that he would resent me for making him do that and going without help until they find a replacement for her. His office manager doesn't want to get HR involved because it would be messy. Part of me wondered if I should contact HR annonomously. I just don't know what to do.
That's because this situation is almost by definition sexual harrassment.

Did you know that the other assistants can sue for sexual harrassment in this case? Most people think sexual harrassment is something only the subordinate can sue over (i.e., Monica Lewinsky) but the truth is, that the OTHER subordinates can sue on the basis of a "hostile work environment." That's because it's hard NOT to show favoritism (in terms of job perks and favors) to the assistant who is getting sexual attention. Even something like getting extra breaks, long lunches, permission to leave early, etc. all amounts to favoring that assistant over the others--hence their ability to bring a lawsuit on that basis.

Your husband is mighty arrogant to pick this particular woman to have an emotional affair over. Does that arrogance translate into other aspects of your relationship?
 

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YOU shouldnt have to handle it..the hell with "He says he can handle it"...its about YOU!!



CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten,or have to see this person at work. it is time to break those ties. Do what you must to avoid any contact. Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the MOST IMPORTANT to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once....ever
 

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How do I go about this without causing my H to be angry with me?
I'd start by bringing up the sexual harrassment issue. The fact that this particular assistant isn't the only one with the ability to sue; that the other assistants would also have the ability to sue based on a hostile work environment. Urge him to quit on the basis that this would be hanging over his head at that particular place if he stays. The other shoe would always be able to drop. What do you think he would say to that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He has always been a workaholic, but I wouldn't say arrogant. I think he is going through some sort of midlife crisis at this point and that the younger girl was an ego boost. His logic was that now that they have the threat of her being fired over their heads that he is not going to pursue her anymore and she hasn't been the aggressor so he doesn't feel like she would do anything. He kind of plays it off like it wasn't about her as a person, he just wanted to screw her. I feel like this a cross road and I don't want to do anything to push him away. I know it sounds crazy with what he is putting me through, but I love him and I don't want to have regret.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
He feels that he cannot quit. Him being a doctor he doesn't think he will be able to find as good of a job as he has now with the hospital system.
 

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How do I go about this without causing my H to be angry with me?
Cris, two things going on here.

First, it sounds like you aren't giving him much of a reason to choose you. No offense, but if you've been depressed, he's been doing all the hard work, you've not been a great wife, as you described, then it's hard to justify coming down hard on him. What are you offering in return?

Therefore, I want to suggest that you now bust your butt to get yourself into gear and overcome whatever it is that you're going through and step up and become the wife/mother you should be. Get therapy, get on meds, do whatever it takes to become 100% for your husband.

Second, you DO have to stop their contact, whether he gets mad at you or not. Whether you stay married or not. That is not a healthy relationship and it shouldn't continue. For anyone's sake, including your kids. So you DO have to contact HR. Don't do it anonymously. OWN your own right to save your marriage, ok? OWN your right to be mad at him and EXPECT him to respect you. If HE can't do the right thing and get rid of her, it's up to you. Once the affair fog dissipates, he'll be able to see that you fought to save your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Turnera, I completely understand your points. That is part of the reason I haven't demanded anything from him when it comes to this OW. Just before the "speech" I got over my depression. Since the speech I have lost 30 lbs and have been very affectionate towards my H. I didn't know he was unhappy and now that I do I am trying to fix it. I can say that I feel really good about how I have been behaving towards him. I just don't know how to deal with him working with her.
 

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You don't. You tell him it has to stop. There are certain times when either spouse has the right to put their foot down, for the protection of the marriage. This is one of them.

They WON'T stop cheating if they continue to work together. Every day is a new hit of the drug. You need to man up and say 'I won't stay married if you won't get rid of her.'
 
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