Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My husband doesn’t wear his ring and it bothers me. In all fairness, he did tell me he wouldn’t. We talked about it and he agreed to wear it for a month after we got married, which he did. So when he did eventually stop wearing it, I wasn’t terribly surprised. Hurt, but not shocked. eventually stop wearing it, I wasn’t terribly surprised. Hurt, but not shocked.

Personally, I believe that a wedding ring is a sign of commitment and mutual respect and is only so if both members wear one. I’d be lying if I said I weren’t disappointed that he refuses to wear it, but I got fair warning and I can buy the argument that it is, after all, just a piece of metal. To him, that’s all his ring means to him. Besides, “men don’t wear jewelry.” I can accept that he feels that way. We’re all entitled to our own opinions. I then explained to him that if that’s the case, then I’d stop wearing my ring as well. If it’s a meaningless gesture to him, why should it be anything more to me? How can anyone publicly acknowledge that something is meaningless to them yet give it to someone else and expect that person to cherish that thing? If I know someone thinks something is meaningless when given to me, I’m not too impressed by the sentiment behind it. Well he got upset. He said it made him feel “like ****” that I now consider the ring he gave me a meaningless gesture, told me to throw it away, enjoy the attention I would get without them then wouldn’t talk to me for days.

I have difficulty reconciling his view on him wearing his ring and that on me wearing mine without misogyny at the center of the explanation. He has said that there are things that I should not just do, but should do gladly because I am a woman and this is one of them. To him, wives wear rings and that’s the way it has always been and the way it will always be. I can’t accept that. Now I feel as though the only reasons I wear this ring is to prove to everyone one else that I am someone’s something and to avoid arguing about it. I do feel hurt— not so much by the fact that he won’t wear his, but with the double standard he has on the matter and the subsequent disregard for my beliefs as not just a woman, but also his wife. It doesn’t help knowing that he occasionally wears it when he misses me and when he did wear it, took it off when he was upset.That adds an entirely new dimension to the story that there just isn’t enough space to elaborate on.

I guess my question is: am I right to feel this way? What do you think?

I'm terribly sorry for the length of this post. This is both a question and a well needed vent


EDIT: I'm afraid I didn't express myself clearly. My issue is not with him not wearing a ring. That's his choice and I'm not the type of person to change someone else's beliefs. My issue is with him not wearing a ring and not just expecting, but angrily insisting that I wear mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,969 Posts
Neither of you are necessarily "wrong" in your views on this, as long as the actions you show of commitment mean a lot more than the ring issue(respect for each other). For myself, I do think wearing the ring is important and luckily my husband feels the same way.

Can you compromise somewhere in this? Since he does not like jewelry, what about a tattooed ring on that finger?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,696 Posts
I do not wear a ring.

why I hate things on my fingers, its dangerous when working with tools,

in my mind wearing a ring dose not equate to how much you love someone. there are many many people who always wear their wedding ring a still end up cheating, abusing,etc etc.

if he shows you his love in other ways then I would suggest you try your best to get over it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,123 Posts
I would be bothered by his double standard. His thinking is archaic. If he had a job where it was dangerous to wear his ring, of course, I would understand completely.

I've never been married so I might be talking out of my arse. But the rings mean lots of things to me. First and foremost, it shows others that you are spoken for and don't even bother to try to hit it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,032 Posts
My husband doesn’t wear his ring and it bothers me. In all fairness, he did tell me he wouldn’t...

Personally, I believe that a wedding ring is a sign of commitment and mutual respect and is only so if both members wear one. I’d be lying if I said I weren’t disappointed that he refuses to wear it, but I got fair warning and I can buy the argument that it is, after all, just a piece of metal. To him, that’s all his ring means to him. Besides, “men don’t wear jewelry.”

...I have difficulty reconciling his view on him wearing his ring and that on me wearing mine without misogyny at the center of the explanation. He has said that there are things that I should not just do, but should do gladly because I am a woman and this is one of them. To him, wives wear rings and that’s the way it has always been and the way it will always be. I can’t accept that. Now I feel as though the only reasons I wear this ring is to prove to everyone one else that I am someone’s something and to avoid arguing about it. I do feel hurt—

...I guess my question is: am I right to feel this way? What do you think?

I'm terribly sorry for the length of this post. This is both a question and a well needed vent
Been married over 40 years. I don't wear jewlery, including a wedding ring. Never really have. In Junior High I wore a silver ring given to me by an aunt. It tarnished and gave me a hell of an infection. I have worked in college in labs and I now work with electricity. Rings are an incredible safety risk in certain fields and actually prohibited by some employers.

So much for me.

You feel the way you do and that is you don't like that he doesn't wear a wedding ring. Are you right to feel this way?

You can feel any way you want, but you need to ask whether this fixation on a ring is that important to you and really find out why your husband doesn't want to wear the ring.

It is clear you want someone to say you are right and your husband is wrong. You want to change your husband and the way he acts and thinks. That really isn't good.

Obviously he has tried wearing it and prefers not to. If it bothers you this much, you might want to get some conseling as it is really "your" problem unless you make it "his" problem. If you do make it "his" problem, which you seem heck bent on, then I think that there are probably other issues the two of you need to discuss and a marriage conselor would be a good start.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Been married over 40 years. I don't wear jewlery, including a wedding ring. Never really have. In Junior High I wore a silver ring given to me by an aunt. It tarnished and gave me a hell of an infection. I have worked in college in labs and I now work with electricity. Rings are an incredible safety risk in certain fields and actually prohibited by some employers.

So much for me.

You feel the way you do and that is you don't like that he doesn't wear a wedding ring. Are you right to feel this way?

You can feel any way you want, but you need to ask whether this fixation on a ring is that important to you and really find out why your husband doesn't want to wear the ring.

It is clear you want someone to say you are right and your husband is wrong. You want to change your husband and the way he acts and thinks. That really isn't good.

Obviously he has tried wearing it and prefers not to. If it bothers you this much, you might want to get some conseling as it is really "your" problem unless you make it "his" problem. If you do make it "his" problem, which you seem heck bent on, then I think that there are probably other issues the two of you need to discuss and a marriage conselor would be a good start.

No, my question is not if I should feel upset that he does not wear a ring. Not at all. He told me he wouldn't and I have accepted that. I can buy his argument that a ring is just a piece of metal. After all, it is. I can respect that. I'm asking if I should feel hurt by his anger at my insistence of the same.

I see a ring as having meaning only if two people wear it. If one does not, that meaning is lost to me and it becomes just another piece of jewelry. My belief was met with a lot of animosity which, quite honestly, was very hurtful to me. I felt as though my beliefs on the matter were not as valid or important as his.

Again, my question is am I right to feel hurt by his response to my beliefs? I do tend to dwell on issues where I feel like I am not treated fairly so I would like some perspective on that specifically. Not his decision to not wear a ring. That in and of itself is an non issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
I see a ring as having meaning only if two people wear it. If one does not, that meaning is lost to me and it becomes just another piece of jewelry. My belief was met with a lot of animosity which, quite honestly, was very hurtful to me. I felt as though my beliefs on the matter were not as valid or important as his.

Then tell him that the way he responded to you hurt your feelings.

IAgain, my question is am I right to feel hurt by his response to my beliefs?
Again, they are YOUR feelings so they are not right or wrong. It's how YOU feel. How we feel about it doesb't mean a hill of beans.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,230 Posts
29 years married, neither of us wears a ring. I broke mine, and my wife's no longer fits her hand.

The marriage is what's important. The sign of ownership on your finger is not.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
Did you tell him before you got married that either you both wear your rings, or neither of you wear your rings? Seems like he was up front with you on his feelings... Were you?

Another question... How much did your wedding rings cost, vs. his?

Some guys just don't like jewelry, and things on their fingers in particular. We don't grow up wearing rings, often. We don't fantasize about the big ol' rock we want someday. Doesn't mean he's less committed to you if he doesn't wear it, and doesn't mean he's more committed to you if he does.

And yes, his opinions are misogynic. But he was honest with you about his feelings on wearing his ring up front.

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Did you tell him before you got married that either you both wear your rings, or neither of you wear your rings? Seems like he was up front with you on his feelings... Were you?
When he told me he wasn't going to wear it, I told him that I wasn't going to wear mine either. He made me promise to wear it so that everyone would know I'm married, and foolishly, I agreed. I don't like conflict of any kind and it seemed like a simple solution. You're absolutely right. I might have been upfront with my feelings, but I should have insisted that my views be heard and valued as much as both he and I value his. I guess this is a lesson in why I should stand up for myself more often.


Another question... How much did your wedding rings cost, vs. his?
He asked for an inexpensive ring and admittedly, it was. He told me he wouldn't wear it if it was over a designated price limit. He got my ring from his sister. It was free, so we were both happy.


Some guys just don't like jewelry, and things on their fingers in particular. We don't grow up wearing rings, often. We don't fantasize about the big ol' rock we want someday. Doesn't mean he's less committed to you if he doesn't wear it, and doesn't mean he's more committed to you if he does.
I get that. I understand he doesn't like jewelry. I've also never fantasized about a ring. a wedding, marriage, or any of that. I also don't like the fact that I know have 2 metal appendages on my finger that get caught in my hair and clothes. I don't think he's any less committed to me because he won't wear a ring. I am, however, disappointed that he feels that I am less committed because I now do not see the purpose in wearing mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,887 Posts
you should tell him that you have had a change of heart and you have decided not to wear ring end of story....for the simple fact what is good for the goose is good for the gander, don't get into a fight, just tell him that he has convinced you that the freedom away from jewelry is a wonderful feeling...and you both are married in your heart and mind....people are allowed to change their mind...simple as that...don't get so worked up about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,196 Posts
DJ-
As far as jewelry I never like wearing anything. Not even a necklace.

However, I liked wearing my wedding ring. I wore it for many years. I liked it because people didn't have to ask if I was married or not. They knew from the ring.

My wife isn't big on jewelry either. So when I stopped wearing mine, she stopped wearing hers. We never really discussed it. It's only fair. I would never expect her to wear it and not me. That's bs.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,204 Posts
There are several sound reasons some people might not wish to wear rings. My grandparents never wore jewelry for religious reasons and they were married over 74 years. Obviously, 100% devoted to the marriage and each other. Some people shouldn't wear them to work for safety reasons. A wear mine but I'd be just as married if I didn't.
Obviously, men do wear jewelry, so there might be some other reason he doesn't wear his. I'm wondering if it might be a religious thing. Maybe not his personal beliefs but maybe some of his close family. The "men don't wear rings" argument doesn't make sense to me. Does he wear any other form of jewelry? Do his other family members?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,083 Posts
I always wear my wedding ring. I wear my engagement ring when I go out. I like my husband to wear his too. Sometimes he forgets and it's no big deal, but if he announced he was no longer going to wear his ring I would be very hurt.

Why? I don't know, lol. I just would be.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top