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Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--help!

My husband and I have been married for ~2 months but have been together for over 2 years. We are 19 and 20 years old. Both new at sex. Because I am my husband's first sexual partner he had previously used masturbation his entire life. He mainly watched porn or looked at pictures online.

Our issue lies in how he views women and sex. During sex he likes to think of women as very ****ty and rather impersonal. He likes skimpy lingerie, dirty talking, etc.. I think of it as a fetish. I don't really meet this role that he is so attracted to because I'm his wife and doesn't think of me as a **** so he can't really get off when we're having sex! He can't ejaculate unless he's watching porn and touching himself. I tell him that it's okay and that I just want him to enjoy himself during sex and that he can cum later. But I really want our sex life to be pleasurable and for him to see me in a sexual way.

Let me describe the problem the way he described it to me. He told me that there are different classifications for women in his life... there are female colleagues which he isn't attracted to, schoolmates which are just friends, family members who are sisters, mothers, wives, etc, and then there are sexual partners which fall into the realm of sexual attraction due to their appearances and lack of close or friendly ties. I just happen to fall into the family category. Maybe this is because we were in love before we ever had sex.

I've suggested to him that I could wear sexier lingerie or start talking dirtier. I've tried the former but it didn't work out that well.

What I truly need and want is to understand what the problem really is and how to truly fix it... if becoming more sexy/****ty is the answer, then I'm open to it, but I would love some opinions on this.

Thank you for your help in advance. It means very much to us :):)

Edit: in our defense, marriage was the only reasonable way to be together because before we were married we were living in two different countries (me in USA and him in Switzerland) and I needed to marry him if I wanted to come live with him as a resident. We are a very strong couple and we are ready for commitment, but thank you for your concern.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

He has to reprogram himself for a relationship with another person. He has to get rid of the porn and probably quit masturbating for awhile and get lots of practice with you.

My husband had similar issues at first from being alone so long, and had trouble climaxing from intercourse alone. A little time and practice and the issue resolved itself. :)
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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

The thing is, this is his problem to fix and not your problem to fix.
What you have to do is communicate that this is about what you need, and not about what he needs. You need to tell him to get whatever help or work out whatever is causing him not to be sexual with you or you will leave him.

Now, some other comments. 1. You are too young to be married. 2. You should have figured this out in dating phase or engagement phase, becuase the purpose of that part of your relationship is to determine if you are compatable. 3. Most men want to have sex with virtually all women in their life except their relatives. If he considers his wife in the same way as his mother, he really needs therapy.

Good luck to you.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

He is decenstized to you, a real human body who can bring him pleasure. Instead he gets off to women on a screen. Unfortunately this isn't a marriage and wont be until all porn is out of his life and he understands what being with a real loving human being is.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

I agree it's HIS problem to fix. He has no idea how to relate to a real woman.

And yes you likely got married way way too young.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

He is only 20, he hasn't gotten out of his porn/masturbation stage yet, not enough to at least know about real love and sexual satisfaction with a actual woman. And yes, some men never really get out of that stage.

Anyway I see this as a problem for you down the road as well. Unless he gets some serious help. I think he is hooked on the porn/masturbation on the computer. He probably doesn't need that for awhile and maybe needs to see what its like to go without that. maybe it will help him connect with you more on a physical/emotional level.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

He has to reprogram himself for a relationship with another person. He has to get rid of the porn and probably quit masturbating for awhile and get lots of practice with you.

My husband had similar issues at first from being alone so long, and had trouble climaxing from intercourse alone. A little time and practice and the issue resolved itself. :)
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I agree. Tell him to stay away from the porn and masturbation. Or at least only masturbate with you and watch porn with you...ideally with you doing the masturbating if that is what is required at first. In time, if you become his sole sexual outlet and you guys keep it fun, I bet he will change his thinking

He sounds like he is still conflicted about sex and can't reconcile respects with a actual fun erotic sex.

If he has a happy and willing partner and he applies his imagination and energy to you, then he may find real life can be a lot more satisfying than a fantasy world.

But the key is he has to try and invest some effort.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

Is he from a family that is very religious or from another country?
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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--help!

So he married you why? So you can cook, clean, and do everything else why he gets to satisfy himself with the computer?

No, neither of you are ready for a committment, you are both young, 19 and 20 most people at that age do not know anything about what they want. Most are still trying to find themselves, and sow wild oats.

If you haven't already, give it some time and when he hasn't changed you will grow, angry and harbor resentment, if you think its not good now, just wait.

Give him a choice/Ultimatium, tell him its either you or the computer. If he chooses the computer, then you need to head back to the USA.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

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Someone mentioned (then deleted) something about a Madonna/***** complex. After some quick research it sounds just like him. I will research this some more. Thanks for the replies and advice guys, but I still stand by my knowledge that we are mentally and sexually mature enough to marry, however, we still need more sexual experience with each other to figure this out.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

What religion is he?
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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

I'm thinking despite the secular upbringing it's the "Madonna/*****" complex common to catholic and orthodox thinking.,women are either virginal moms or *****s. Lots I men think sex is dirty and any woman who likes it is a ho.
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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

The thing is, this is his problem to fix and not your problem to fix.
What you have to do is communicate that this is about what you need, and not about what he needs. You need to tell him to get whatever help or work out whatever is causing him not to be sexual with you or you will leave him.

Now, some other comments. 1. You are too young to be married. 2. You should have figured this out in dating phase or engagement phase, becuase the purpose of that part of your relationship is to determine if you are compatable. 3. Most men want to have sex with virtually all women in their life except their relatives. If he considers his wife in the same way as his mother, he really needs therapy.

Good luck to you.

I can assure you that a marriage this young can work out, and I really don't understand people's need to bring this up as some sort of non-generalizable reality check. This poster is married, so too late. Unless you are advocating that she get divorced because she was married young its an irrelevant point. I can tell you from personal experience (about 15 years worth) that young relationships can continue and survive in a healthy fashion.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

Maybe instead of straight out porn you both could watch erotica, about couples. It might help
him to see the more sensual side of it.
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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

I think this is a time for compromise. Does he need to lay off the porn? Yes. But if wearing lingerie for him didn't work out the way you would have wanted to, don't give up. Learn from what went wrong and try again.

None of us learned to ride a bike the first time we took the training wheels off. We all fell down and scraped our knees and elbows. But just because we failed once didn't mean we'd give up on the idea. We picked ourselves off and worked it until we got it right.

So if your uncomfortable because want to try to arouse your husband in the way he'd like to see you and the first time didn't go well, don't worry about it. Just try it again.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

I'm afraid two things jump out at me from the page;

1) You are both far too young to get married

2) - Hey! I can remember!! - alarm bells ringing re his true intentions; he is Macedonian and used to live in Switzerland. The Swiss have recently voted to change their immigration laws which will have a detrimental effect on immigrant workers in CH.
You are a US citizen - living in the land of opportunity.

I'm afraid I can't help thinking that he's got what he wants...a GF who wants him and a Green Card (or US residency).

Forgive me if I'm wrong.....

All that aside, having such issues so early in your marriage does not bode well for the future.
If I were you I would take your rose tinted spectacles off and have a good think about your future....
All that glitters isn't necessarily gold....
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

Yeah you need to resolve this pretty quickly or it does not bode well for the marriage.

I think he needs to throw out all his porn until he fixes this problem.

If he truly is classifying you as a family member he has a major problem and needs therapy.

How often do you want sex?

Here is my idea:
He stops using porn
You two agree to have a sexual encounter every day.
It does not have to be anything but touching and kissing but at least something sexual in some way. Maybe a shower. Give it a month or so.


I tried talking dirty to my wife once and it just made us both laugh -it was not anything she really wants though, I just thought it would be fun to try.

My point is that it takes a while to get comfortable with adding a little naughtiness and practice makes perfect.
 

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Re: Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--he

The problem is that your husband's sexual desire is entirely self centered. He is selfish. You are not the problem. To correct this, he needs to stop using pornography and he needs to learn to please you and to respond to you in a healthy way.

They are not too young to be married and that is not the topic of this thread. It is only a recent phenomena that people have been getting married later. This is partly because people are not encouraged and required to grow up in a reasonable time period.

Edited: I just realized that this thread was started in March 2012.
 
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