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Hi All,

My story goes like this:

My husband and I met not long after his divorce. At the time we were still young and crazy and the last thing on our minds was having kids and being tied down. A few months before we got engaged he had a vasectomy because he had decided not to have anymore kids with anyone ever..

At the time I though he was just doing it because he needed some way to get over all the hurt and suffering his ex had put him through. She basically took everything and cost him 10 years worth of debt. I went with him and supported him, we were still new and I knew that I would only end up losing him if I ever challenged the vasectomy..

He has a 9 year old girl from his previous marriage and she lives with her mum on a full time basis, but we have her on alternative weekends and holidays etc. She is absolutely stunning, and every time I look at her all I see is the ex. My husband is a very good looking man and we always joke that we would have stunning babies.. I take care of his daughter like she is my own and I always tell her how much I love her.

I have been in a few relationships and never wanted kids with the guys I was with as it never seemed right, but now that we have been together for 3 years and married for 2 I want nothing more than to have a family of my own with my husband. My hubby is a gorgeous man, who is loving and caring and giving in so many ways. We get on like soul mates and he is my best friend. Our time together is spent doing things we both love, we hardly ever argue but lately things have been getting harder and harder for me. We’ve talked about kids and the subject is a sore one. He told me that if I wanted kids I must leave now and find someone else. He does not want anymore kids EVER.

I am only 27 and he 35 and I know that I can easily find another man but it’s so hard for me. My husband and I could have a fantastic future together, we are set to inherit A LOT of money from his parents in a few years and if I stayed he would give me the best life I can ever imagine, but I am so empty inside. All I think about day in and out is having a baby and a family of my own. I’ve even bought a cat to try and fill the void but the poor thing is so pampered and spoilt and loved but still I yearn. All my friends are the age where they are having babies and starting families and I am totally left out.

I feel embarrassed that I am married to a man that does not want a baby although he says he loves me so very much. I live in a foreign country 17 hrs away from my own country, don’t really have many friends and I have a good job that pays very well but I am considering throwing it all away to go home and have a proper family, near my own family. Can anyone help me?
 

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I truly feel for your situation. I am not sure what to tell you, it sounds like you truly love this man and he loves you, BUT , and it is a very BIG life altering .....BUT. Some things in relationships are "Deal Breakers", in this case, too bad you did not realize back then when supporting him duing the vasectomy, before you married, that THIS very decision had the potential to rip your & his hearts from each other.

Now you have let it get the best of you and you have this yearning, this longing to be a Mother. Many women can understand this, but not many men, especially if they have their own child. I know what that is like, and I know for me, I would have left a good man over it. Thankfully, I never personally had to make that choice as we agreed on kids before we married- but did struggle with infertility for a time.

In your case, you can not blame him for not changing his mind, as he is keeping his word that he so honestly shared with you before - this would never happen.

I really can not tell you how to fill this void in your life. It doesnt appear he is going to budge. So you have to make the choice on whether to stay & live with this yearning, or how to overcome it to satisfy these longings in your soul.

I have one friend who was shocked when her Vasectomy husband & her got pregnant a couple years later, that would be the best thing to happen, but how rare it is.

Do you really feel he will just let you walk out that door ? and could you ?
 

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Thank you both for replying to my post.

I am well aware that I should have thought twice.. or even three or four times before actually marrying him, but my emotions got in the way. He is a fantastic man (not totally without faults) and he totally swept me off my feet. The vasectomy to me was his way of dealing with the pain of his broken marriage. If you could only meet my husband. He is a very kind and gentle man, sweet natured and full of life, but the way his ex wife took advantage of that and ruined him changed him into a very bitter man.

He has become harder and harder towards the idea of kids. Last year we went on holiday and he told me that he always wonders about how perfect our kids would be, and I said that I have been longing so long to talk to him about the options of having a baby, and to my total surprise he said lets go home and see a doctor about reversals. I had already done all the research and knew exactly what and when and how and who.. The rest of the holiday we spent talking about names and possible hospitals and making plans re: work arrangements and saving and so on.. A few weeks later the ex did something again to get more money or more of something, and since then its been back to NO KIDS EVER...

The sad thing is that only a few months after we started dating properly (before he had the VAS) we had been intimate the one night and I was on birth control and he said to me the next morning to stop taking my pill, he really wanted to have a baby with me.. I was like NO WAY!!!! It's waaay to soon.. ha ha.. how ironic!

I should have told him how I really felt about the vasectomy, and if I knew then what I know now and all that jazz.. I would have said no and if he went ahead I would have ended it. Now I am married to an amazing man who would give me the world in his palm but not a child that I want more than anything..

It saddens me that we have a great relationship and he knows that I am 100% committed to him and our life and would never hurt him like his ex did, but he still refuses to even consider a baby.

To add to the heartache, his one cut tube has spontaneously reconnected and you can feel where its joined together, but its obviously still blocked from where it had been cut and burnt so he has no living swimmers as we have not had any accidents as yet, but every single month is a nightmare for me as I live in constant denial that this month I will miraculously fall pregnant due to his rejoining vas.. He said that if I did fall pregnant from his vasectomy failing it would be a gift from God that was obviously meant to be.. how crazy is that???

Its not clear cut, he does and he doesn’t, but ultimately he will never willingly have his op reversed and I don’t know if I can wait forever to see if this vasectomy might or might not fail oneday..

This is such a hard place to be in.. I am totally lost..
 

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He told you before you got married that he didn't want kids, and proved himself by getting a vasectomy. I don't think you can really get upset that he is sticking to what he said, and you originally agreed to.

With that said, you say there's been times he's discussed it seemingly as an option, but then at least one of those times, his ex has done something and suddenly he's back to no kids. Being as this is a sore subject, this may be hard to do, but I would see if he would consider counseling. It sounds like he's letting what his ex is like, and what she does, influence his views of all women and that's not healthy. Counseling may help him deal with his issues towards her, and by doing that, it's *possible* he could change his mind and decide he wants more kids. I wouldn't hold my breath that that'll happen, but it's worth a shot, if he's willing to go.

If he refuses, or he goes but still doesn't want more kids, then you'll have to decide if you want to give up on having kids or if you want to leave him and find someone who can give you the children you seem to so desperately want. Keeping in mind as you try to make that decision that if you stay with him, and give up on children, you may later regret that and come to resent him, and that if you leave him to find someone else, it could still take years to find someone else, especially since you'll have to heal from leaving him, and then you could find it harder to get pregnant, or you could even have undiagnosed fertility issues now.

It's not a situation that has an easy clear cut answer. Every decision has potential consequences, both good and bad. All you can do is figure out what you want, and go after that, and hope that it all works out for the best.
 

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Thank you both for replying to my post.

I am well aware that I should have thought twice.. or even three or four times before actually marrying him, but my emotions got in the way.

...

He said that if I did fall pregnant from his vasectomy failing it would be a gift from God that was obviously meant to be.. how crazy is that???

...

Its not clear cut, he does and he doesn’t, but ultimately he will never willingly have his op reversed and I don’t know if I can wait forever to see if this vasectomy might or might not fail oneday..

This is such a hard place to be in.. I am totally lost..
I don't know if it helps at all--but I can probably shed a little light on your husband's side of things. I haven't been through a bitter divorce/custody deal, but I haven't ever really wanted kids. I've just never had that "thing" in my gut that needs someone to call me "mommy". I just don't want any of the things that come with children of my own. Let me have my nieces and nephews, please and spoil them rotten. I'm a renter, not an owner when it comes to kids and if a guy wanted to marry me thinking it would just work out otherwise in time, it just wouldn't happen. It's not something that you can convince me will be okay. I don't believe that "it'll be different if it's mine" or any of that stuff. My level of disinterest in it all isn't fair to the child that would result. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I actually had resentment from old experiences too! And as an aside....I'm 36, so I've had some time to consider this!

However, there have a been a few times, when a baby didn't sound half bad. Everyone of those times though, was in my case, an absolute moment of weakness. For me, it's when I'd fight with my husband or something like that and I feel all alone. I'd have brief spurts of thinking that I ought to go ahead and have a baby, then they'd have to stay/love/entertain me. Which of course might be one of the worst possible motivations for procreation ever! But it still doesn't translate into truly wanting a child.

It sounds like the times that your husband has talked about wanting a child have been times that he got swept away too--although in a much better way! But the reality remains that he was sincere enough about not wanting more kids to take permanent action. Has he ever mentioned what his thoughts about kids were before his divorce? Did he go from wanting 10 to wanting none?

He's laid it out for you, and he's absolutely right. I would tell someone the same thing. You have to decide between exactly what you have right now or a different future with someone who wants a more traditional family. And I mean exactly what you have right now. Exactly. Not with the hope that maybe the stars will align and you'll have sex when that one lucky swimmer comes to life and makes it to an egg at just the right moment; but your life together as it is today.

If you can't imagine another 20 years of you getting to have cute fast cars instead of minivans and great vacations instead of braces because what you personally need deep in your heart is to watch that little bundle of joy grow up and ask you for their first fast car...then he's right, you should go now. You both deserve that, really. And it's hard when there are great people involved, but if you have to deny your own deep desires to stay there, the odds are, it's just going to end in resentment in the end.
 
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