Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
OK so this is the second time this happens. Hubby and I get into a fight, I have a hard time coping with fights going nowhere, long, not getting to a conclusion. Him always wanting to be right and even going on when I tell Ok, let's do it your way.

So I tell hubby I am tired and will leave for a walk. I have done lonely walks for most of our lives together. It's the only way I get to vent. When I used to live in the country these were no big deal. I would leave, take a walk in our acreage and be back. Only danger being maybe wildlife.

Now that I live in the city, I feel quite scared taking these lonely walks at night. So we had a fight last time, and I took off, expecting him to try at least to stop me. Nothing. So I take off. I go down, cross a road. Nothing. I go farther into a dark alley. Nothing.

I go on a stroll with my heart pounding, there are odd people around at this time, sometimes even drunk drivers. I come back about 10 minutes later. Hubby was in bed!

I am even more angered now and tell hubby he doesn't love me. No sane of mind man would let a wife (or any woman) take off like that, even if it was a friend.

Tonight another fight. We are walking together. Same thing. Talk talk talk. Tonight the discussion is about my parents getting old. We moved to Italy to be closer to them. We are 2 and a half hours away and my dad struggles being on the bus that long and my mom can't walk too long to come and see us. So I would like to move closer to them being that they are 82 and 85. He wants to choose where to move and it should be a place he likes otherwise I would be favoring my parents and not him. He has this competition thing with my parents going on for a lifetime. It's as if he is jealous and wants me to be as far as possible from them.

So then we cross a road and he is mad and sort of walks risking it in front of a car. I tell him that was a dangerous move and he says it wasn't and they should let him pass since it's a cross road and there are stripes. I insist it was risky and maybe the wine he drinks makes him get grumpy (causing us to fight) and he thinks I am out of my mind. I get tired and just stop and walk the other way, turn around after about 50 steps and HE ISN'T FOLLOWING ME.

It's dark again but I stay in the crowded areas. I think to myself, if he isn't waiting me by the dark road to go home it's over. He cares less about me. However, I catch a glimpse of him just a road prior. I decide to run and surpass him and mimic runners who breath in and out as they run hoping for a laugh or a reaction. He is dead serious and pissed off because his knee hurts and he has been walking too much to search me. He tells me he is tired of my games and he is going to do the luggage. And that its not the wine, it's me.

So I said so it's over? He says yes, so I decide to walk away again and he cares less and just goes back home. I stay away and then go home.

Oddly, I am not too upset of this. Usually I cry, today I am sort of accepting. We have gone through this scene many, many times. We have talked about divorce since the first years of marriage. I don;t know how many times I told him I was leaving only to make peace the same evening.

Maybe I am in denial.

I am 44 and I think probably it's better this way (separating). I have been particularly depressed these days and I think its due to me getting older. I have read recently that as wives get older and reach menopause men find them less attractive, treat them more poorly and dream of cheating with younger women and some go on to accomplish that really.

I would never be able to cope with something like that. It would be too humiliating. Better lonely than that. I think he already fantasizes about young women, just a gut feeling more than anything else. I notice that when we are around young, pretty women he seems more inspired to be intimate later on in the evening, somewhat more passionate as if he's using me to vent.

I am not ugly and I still look quite young, but they say the body of 24 year females can not be compared to. It's biological for men to be attracted to them.

I am not sure what will happen. He is in bed now as always, while I am awake and thinking.

Please someone help me realize why we get into these fights and why I feel this terrible urge to walk away when we fight. And how to deal with the problem with my parents if we decide to still stay together. Sorry if this is long. We have been married for over 20 years.

I am a tough cookie and have probably taken more than modern women would take, I never really accepted the end of our marriage and sort of have this thing that keeps me going due to a strong attraction to commitment. Some would say I let him step over me. Yet, its like if I need him although I know I could deserve better.

However, this thing about being attracted to younger women makes me nauseous. Sometimes when we fight I start thinking they are excuses to get out and start a life with a younger woman before it's too late.

He never said anything about this, but lately he really wants to lose weight and look good and is trying to invest and get rich so this is mostly my possible distorted thinking (that he is doing this to attract younger women) or I am really good at predicting things before they happen. He once told me he wants to look good otherwise other men may try flirting with me thinking they're better than him. But I am not sure if he's being honest. I know he's scared of my reaction as he knows since he's married me that I would be super angry if he finds other women more attractive than me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,724 Posts
Sounds to me like you expect him to show you he cares by running after you every time you take off. He's made it clear he's not interested. Also you've threatened to leave, or you've left and returned, so he doesn't take you seriously. I'd suggest the next time you consider leaving the house, you make it permanent.

You'd get more responses to your post if you requested a moderator to move it to the General Relationship forum. You've posted on the forum where people are already going through divorce or separation.

Your marriage sounds like a drama-fest to me, with you supplying much of the drama. I wouldn't live in such a relationship, but that's just me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Sounds to me like you expect him to show you he cares by running after you every time you take off. He's made it clear he's not interested. Also you've threatened to leave, or you've left and returned, so he doesn't take you seriously. I'd suggest the next time you consider leaving the house, you make it permanent.

Your marriage sounds like a drama-fest to me, with you supplying much of the drama. I wouldn't live in such a relationship, but that's just me.
Well, when we lived in the country, I must admit I cared less if he ran after me or not. It was just my way to vent and I had zero problems with it. I felt safe and I loved my lonely walks with my dog.

It is now that we are in the big city where there is crime, that I wonder 'geez, doesn't this guy worry about his wife leaving alone in the streets? Shouldn't a husband who cares stop his wife? Am I creating drama just by thinking about this? or do you see other drama?

I appreciate your honesty, although it hurts because I am always open to improving myself. I must say though that I truly suffer when we fight to the point of feeling sick, my body goes into fight and flight mode.

I am not the type of drama queen who just makes up stuff to win or gain pity I am truly suffering as I have suffered for many years from anxiety and panic attacks, yet I depend strongly on my husband as he has helped me overcome these and I feel I cannot live without him, yet, I fear of being replaced by a younger woman as I get older.

Do you think I must really leave him? Is this because you think he doesn't love me since he cares less when I take off at night? or are there other reasons? I am not strong to give up. Maybe if I had somebody to support me, but I am totally alone. I posted this hear because I often think about separating but don't have the force and feel that deep down I still love him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,793 Posts
Don’t play stupid games.
Judging by your tone you would probably lose respect for your husband if he did give in to your tantrums and followed you.
I repeat, don’t play stupid games.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,724 Posts
Maybe if I had somebody to support me, but I am totally alone.
Being alone - and on my own - didn't stop me from leaving my husband. You asked your husband if it's over. He told you it is. Obviously, he doesn't care if you're walking the streets at night.

Sometimes we have to go it alone. You're not going to die if you're alone. You're not going to be alone FOREVER. Hey, I'm alone for the most part. Doesn't bother me one bit. Why? Because I live in a peaceful home. Nobody to give me grief. And, believe me, I got LOTS of grief being married to an alcoholic.

I don't have to compromise if I don't want to. I don't have to negotiate to get what I want and need. I actually enjoy life just as it is. You are too dependent. And, yes, you are being a drama queen with all this leaving nonsense and expecting him to come after you. Again, sorry to say it, but he doesn't care.

Leave him and work on yourself. Figure out why you are so dependent on needing someone to be there for you if you leave.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,066 Posts
If you love your husband and depend on your husband stop ruining your relationship with stupid fights and drama.
No he does not have to run after you.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top