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Hi everyone. I'm a newbie here. I joined this forum to help me release my emotional stress (although I don't know if it'll work)
My husband and I are married for 13 years. We have a 5 year old daughter.
I like sex, I love sex. When we were just boyfriend and girlfriend we have sex like almost everyday and he said I was unbelievable and he liked it.
Now we're married and have a child, it seems like our sexual life has decreased more and more. I always come to him and makes a move making him feel that "hey I'm feelin sexy, I want to have sex" but he sometimes avoid it. And when we are making love he's Peni$ is unable to erect for long its just like after 5 mins its not hard anymore. I asked him if he has an erectile dysfunction or some problems with it. He always say he's tired he needs more sleep. I try to understand him.
And now i feel like I'm a fool always asking him to have sex with me. He never comes to me nor ask me to have sex with him anymore.
Then last night, I caught him naked in front of his laptop watching porn and masturbating. I don't know what should I feel but it was like "what the F!!"
I said why are you watching porn and masturbating, he said he wants to know if his **** still gets hard. I said "What am I to you? Why don't you want real sex with me? I want to have sex, I love sex. I always ask you to have sex with me but you always avoid me, and now your watching porn masturbating, saying that you want to know if your **** will still get hard?" ......I was so mad, I felt like it so unfair on my part. It made me feel like, I'm not desirable anymore, he doesn't feel horny when he sees me naked anymore, I'm not attractive anymore. I feel so mad. I feel pity towards my self. I know its crazy but it makes me cry. :( I have caught him a few times naked in front of his laptop, he suddenly covers his lap and sit straight acting as if nothing happened. I had a feeling that he watches porn and masturbates but I just try to ignore it. I also asked him if he do sex chats or cam 2 cam with other women, he said no. Although in the middle of the night i hear him like he's talking to someone. I just ignore it I'm thinking maybe he is just talking to his friends or family.
I told him, I always ask you to have sex with me but you avoid me, and every time we try to have sex his **** never gets hard its because he prefers to watch porn and masturbate instead. I don't know what to do, what to think, I'm trying to understand but it really makes me sad :(
Please guys, I need some of your insights or advice about my situation? Thank you all. :(
 

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Although in the middle of the night i hear him like he's talking to someone. I just ignore it I'm thinking maybe he is just talking to his friends or family.
I don't think he's talking to "friends" or "family" in the middle of the night..... unless these friends or family live in a radically different time zone.

every time we try to have sex his **** never gets hard its because he prefers to watch porn and masturbate instead
He may prefer to masturbate and watch porn because his penis doesn't get hard, or goes flaccid quickly. This has nothing to do with you. It may be that he has erectile dysfunction. It doesn't matter if he loses his erection in front of a picture, there's no embarrassment, no shame, like there is if he loses it with you.

He should get checked out by a doc, instead of retreating into porn.
 

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Although in the middle of the night i hear him like he's talking to someone. I just ignore it I'm thinking maybe he is just talking to his friends or family.
I'd bet my last dollar that it's live cam girls or another woman. He's not talking to friends or family in the middle of the night. I'd be listening in on the next midnight conversation, not ignoring it. Burying your head in the sand won't do anything. You KNOW he's up to something or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

As for the ED, he clearly needs to go talk to a doctor.
 

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I think he's telling the truth. I think he has erectile dysfunction and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. so he's humiliated if he tries to have sex with you and fails because that puts him on the spot and embarrasses him. so he's trying to solve the problem on his own by masturbating to see what's going on. But what he needs to do is go to the doctor.
 

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Yes, the Committee of Erectile Naysayers at work.
So many things go into an erection, when one factor does not cooperate, the obelisk collapses.

What are your ages?

Yes, the shame on his part. No excuse however.

Yes, the laziness and selfishness at his end of that soft rope.

Sit down and talk this out and hope it is not that the "Thrill is gone".

 
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It is male pride that is his strength.
It is male pride that can make him a pariah.

Male pride is displayed in many ways...

In his material worth.
In his acknowledged accomplishments.
In his loud voice, his competitive and his dominant behavior.
In his ability to turn female heads.
In his physical prowess, on the field, on the links, on a run, on a bicycle, in the gym, in a pool.
In the bedroom.

The last one is the one that any failing can collapse, quickly, his ego.

Know this....


Gwendolyn-
 

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Time to have a serious talk about this. There is this whole thing called "your brain on porn", but the gist is it's hard for real to compete with fantasy. You husband needs to cut out his porn habit, because it's effecting your sex life. You need to let him know how hurt you are. Even if he is telling the truth and it is ED, then he needs to fix it.

I think it makes sense for you to be hurt but don't make the mistake of comparing yourself to what he sees on a computer. It would be like him comparing himself to a character in a movie and using that for a sense of his worth as a husband or man. It's a movie, it's not real. Same with porn. Don't let this get you down on yourself.

I am also assuming you have not let yourself go, and I don't mean the normal aging put on a few pounds time stuff, I am talking putting on massive amounts of weight, stop taking care of your hygiene or appearance. Those are things that I do believe will make it hard for someone to still feel the same kind of sexual attraction that they once did. Doesn't sound like is your issue.
 

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Hi everyone. I'm a newbie here. I joined this forum to help me release my emotional stress (although I don't know if it'll work)
My husband and I are married for 13 years. We have a 5 year old daughter.
I like sex, I love sex. When we were just boyfriend and girlfriend we have sex like almost everyday and he said I was unbelievable and he liked it.
Now we're married and have a child, it seems like our sexual life has decreased more and more. I always come to him and makes a move making him feel that "hey I'm feelin sexy, I want to have sex" but he sometimes avoid it. And when we are making love he's Peni$ is unable to erect for long its just like after 5 mins its not hard anymore. I asked him if he has an erectile dysfunction or some problems with it. He always say he's tired he needs more sleep. I try to understand him.
And now i feel like I'm a fool always asking him to have sex with me. He never comes to me nor ask me to have sex with him anymore.
Then last night, I caught him naked in front of his laptop watching porn and masturbating. I don't know what should I feel but it was like "what the F!!"
I said why are you watching porn and masturbating, he said he wants to know if his ** still gets hard. I said "What am I to you? Why don't you want real sex with me? I want to have sex, I love sex. I always ask you to have sex with me but you always avoid me, and now your watching porn masturbating, saying that you want to know if your ** will still get hard?" ......I was so mad, I felt like it so unfair on my part. It made me feel like, I'm not desirable anymore, he doesn't feel horny when he sees me naked anymore, I'm not attractive anymore. I feel so mad. I feel pity towards my self. I know its crazy but it makes me cry. :( I have caught him a few times naked in front of his laptop, he suddenly covers his lap and sit straight acting as if nothing happened. I had a feeling that he watches porn and masturbates but I just try to ignore it. I also asked him if he do sex chats or cam 2 cam with other women, he said no. Although in the middle of the night i hear him like he's talking to someone. I just ignore it I'm thinking maybe he is just talking to his friends or family.
I told him, I always ask you to have sex with me but you avoid me, and every time we try to have sex his **** never gets hard its because he prefers to watch porn and masturbate instead. I don't know what to do, what to think, I'm trying to understand but it really makes me sad :(
Please guys, I need some of your insights or advice about my situation? Thank you all. :(
I'm a husband, and I think you have reason to be upset. Now, that is without knowing what your work schedules are like, bill stress, etc; however, the more porn he watches, the more it will affect his libido. The crazier things he watches, the harder it can be for someone to act in a "normal" situation. That said, and I don't know how you feel, but sometimes marriages get into these ruts. I've been married over 20 years, with my wife for even more, and that is not abnormal. I don't want to pry, but maybe he gained weight? Some guys, like women, can have self image issues that can cause an effect. With that said, I doubt seriously it has anything to do with you. Whether my wife is 120 pounds or 220 pounds, she always looks the same to me, and I'm sure your husband feels the same way. Just some advice from a man's perspective, have an open and honest conversation with your husband when it isn't bed time, if you know what I mean. If he is doing online activities, and I am.not sure how you feel about this, but maybe offer to participate with him? Sometimes us guys seek new experiences to kick things up, and maybe he isn't communicating that. Other than that, maybe try something out of the ordinary in bed. Again, this is NOT your fault, but I am trying to cover all possible bases. Maybe an online catalog with toys or lingerie. Maybe discuss fantasies in bed....that can work. The wilder fantasies might require a good bit of trust lol. I hope this helps. It's definitely not you. Either he is in a rut due to stress, or he needs to get off the net. I hope this helped
 

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Unfortunately this is one of the very bad effects that porn can have on a man.He eventually cant get aroused by normal sex with a real life woman. Nothing will change unless he stops the porn (and whatever else he is up to), and even then it will take a long time for his brain and body to begin to get back to what it should be, if it ever can completely as those images will always be in his mind.
 

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Dear Beth;

A surprisingly high number of men have occasional ED. I suggest you find a time when you and your H can really talk.

Before you do, start to do some introspection on what he has told you and really try to believe him. Then try to forgive him for the pain he has caused you.

If he says he is tired, try to believe that and work with him and getting more sleep or doing things prior to bed that will allow him to sleep better. You might research some of those things before your next talk. They usually include not watching any electronic screens prior to bed, meditating, and focusing on relaxing.

If he again says he was maturbating to see if it can still get hard, thank him for doing that as having ED can be a sign of stress, age, or serious diseases. If he is having a problem ask him to go get checked out by a doctor as ED can be warning sign for heart disease. Tell him that he is too important to you and your child to loose to heart disease.

Ask if there is any way you can help to stimulate him when he is in the mood to have sex. Tell him that you also know that sometimes men suffer from performance anxiety. Tell him that you apologize if your need to feel emotionally and sexually connected to him has caused any performance anxiety. Tell him that yo miss the intimacy the two of you once shared. Ask him if one or two nights a week you can just cuddle, kiss, hug and be close without having sex in addition to scheduling a night or two a week for sex.

Again, assume he is telling you the truth. Express your needs. Try to help find ways to help him. If he is lying to you, he will dig himself into a huge hole that he won't be able to get out of.

With Covid-19 so many people I know are worried about job security, money, their parents or elderly friends. The stress levels are off the charts. He may just be stressed out and tired and not handling it well. Good luck.
 

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This is a tough one to deal with because... he's too embarrassed to deal with it. He's likely nervous & anxious and "talking" about it just makes him more nervous & anxious. This is one of those things where he needs to be told, by someone he trusts, that getting through this may involve some painful revelations and honesty. That he may be using porn not just as a fantasy (which might be the case) but perhaps as a way of avoiding dealing with issues in the marriage.

He may not realize how serious the issue is because it's just not talked about much... this idea that a woman, married, with a kid, still has strong sexual desire for her husband, which her husband cannot fulfill. That's an un-manly thing. He might feel totally alone, without support (outside of the on-line porn which exists as an alternative reality through fantasy).

If he's oblivious to the damage he's causing, do a search on the Ted Talk "Sex Starved Marriage." Watch it yourself first, and see if you can relate to the strong sense of rejection she talks about. And then watch it with your husband. Because he might really not have a clue how you feel, and how damaging it is.
 

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Unfortunately this is one of the very bad effects that porn can have on a man.He eventually cant get aroused by normal sex with a real life woman. Nothing will change unless he stops the porn (and whatever else he is up to), and even then it will take a long time for his brain and body to begin to get back to what it should be, if it ever can completely as those images will always be in his mind.

FTW. Your H is getting sexual gratification from porn, his hand and imagination.
 

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So he’d rather have sex with ‘live girls’ on the net and masturbate to porn than have sex with his wife?
What are your ages?
How is the state of your marriage otherwise? Are you happy? Is he jealous and controlling?
I’d go through his laptop and phone, messages, apps. He’s probably using private/incognito mode so hiding porn/chat activities. Check search history on all devices. If it’s been wiped clean then you’ll need to look further.
Listen in to his late night conversations when he’s on his laptop. Check your credit cards and find out the financial status to see if he’s spending anything on these women and how much. You may need to go back several years worth.
Have you got kids and how old?
 

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My husband does this as well. I dont really have much advice. My husband has rejected me and then 30 mins later I catch him watching porn.

Your husband may be stressed, tired, or flat out lazy. This is why my husband does it. Porn is an easy way to get sexual satisfaction compared to actually having sex with someone. Its actually pretty dangerous for a marriage in these circumstances.

Your husband needs to see a doctor for potential ED and then he needs to work on alleviating whatever is making him stressed or tired.
 

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Many of the responses addressed the issue...I'll just add that many guys grow sexually "bored" of women that they have been with for a while..And it can have absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about that particular woman...I have no doubt that women do get the same feelings, but IME, it seems to be something that guys tend to have issue with on a more frequent basis...I know women hate to hear this, but if you stop and think about if from a evolutionary/biological viewpoint and try to take the emotion out of the equation, it's actually quite logical...The so called "spread the seed" philosophy that practically all male species of creature seeks to achieve... I also believe that many women don't realize that for many guys the sexual experience is mostly about the finish and a lot less about everything else...That's why I think men use porn so much..it's easy, cheap, and effective at reaching the end goal...

Now with all of that said, it doesn't make for a solid relationship experience for the vast majority of humans , no matter what nature and evolutionary programming has been instilled...I've always felt that people underestimate the importance of a very strong sexual attraction at the outset of any relationship...If it's not really all that strong at the outset, its more likely to result in this type of abandonment ..

IME, these issues are not easily rectified...IN many cases when that ship sails, it doesn't come back...Many of the guys I know are probably doing the same thing that the OP's guy is doing...Some for decades....For most of them, if you believe what they tell you, it's because their wives are annoying, stopped caring about their appearance, sexuality and femininity, or any combination..For some it just "happens", with no obvious stimulus or logical reasoning...

I will tell you that bringing this topic up and chastising him as a mother would a child that won't clean his room, will NEVER work and will only lead to more distance and less interest...He knows how you feel...he doesn't seem to care- at this point, anyway...And you can sit around and spy on him all you want....What will that achieve and how do you think that will help anything?? You already know the answer.. The thought that he will recognize that he's caught and all of a sudden become a raging sexual beast toward you because you shamed him is ridiculous....never gonna happen...And most men don't want to talk to a partner about their "performance issues"...That's something that they may confide in a buddy or a doctor...but not really a SO...

I wish I had an easy solution.. If there is a positive outcome, what will probably have to happen is that he uses his brain to realize that if he doesn't act appropriately, then he will probably lose you...and run the risk of messing up his daughters life at a very early age...It's a tough situation, for sure and not that it will make it any easier to accept, its actually quite common, just from my own life experiences and what I have heard over the years..
 

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Just a guys perspective for what it’s worth. I’m usually a deep thinker, and had to be over these last years. A great question to ask him (and be open to what or how he replies - with no defenses if you want the truth) when things are calm and no distractions (not at bedtime). Tell him him you love him more than anything and want to get to know him better, and want to be open to hear his perspective. Ask: How do you feel/define intimacy? Listen carefully and DON’T say anything except that’s a good point or I’ve never thought of it that way, because he might just realize things for the 1st time too. Is it when he recognizes he is wanted for his advice, fix things, wanted physically or noticed, when you actually respond to his issues on other days and give an opinion/debate as his confidant vs the typical female empathetic response that works for when girls talk, feels listened to vs talked at/over, when you both have a chance to open up and share without fear of being rejected again (from his perspective of rejection not yours) or hear a stupid response like “well that’s because you ... If he brings up sex as how he defines intimacy, go a step further (because that’s just a surface answer most men never get to explore beyond that without being told “you always want sex” which shuts them down saying anything further. Doesn’t stop his natural desire, just changes where he goes to feel vulnerable in whatever he defines as intimacy (like pornography - no rejection, or work, or other people’s praises, etc.). His definition might be seeing you naked and feeling as if you want to share everything “intimate” (something that is just between you & him) with him. Intercourse isn’t always beginning/end for a guy. Example. You want “sex” and you guys have intercourse, then later you ask why doesn’t he want it anymore. If the lights are always out, no foreplay (how he defines foreplay occasionally), just sex and it’s over. Well truth be told later in life a guy might physically climax if he really tries, but mentally nahhhh without the “intimacy” piece. Some even say, it’s difficult to feel down there when inside a woman if that’s your immediate or only go to action. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, just the intimacy isn’t there or changed to something else over the years.
 

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Hi everyone. I'm a newbie here. I joined this forum to help me release my emotional stress (although I don't know if it'll work)
My husband and I are married for 13 years. We have a 5 year old daughter.
I like sex, I love sex. When we were just boyfriend and girlfriend we have sex like almost everyday and he said I was unbelievable and he liked it.
Now we're married and have a child, it seems like our sexual life has decreased more and more. I always come to him and makes a move making him feel that "hey I'm feelin sexy, I want to have sex" but he sometimes avoid it. And when we are making love he's Peni$ is unable to erect for long its just like after 5 mins its not hard anymore. I asked him if he has an erectile dysfunction or some problems with it. He always say he's tired he needs more sleep. I try to understand him.
And now i feel like I'm a fool always asking him to have sex with me. He never comes to me nor ask me to have sex with him anymore.
Then last night, I caught him naked in front of his laptop watching porn and masturbating. I don't know what should I feel but it was like "what the F!!"
I said why are you watching porn and masturbating, he said he wants to know if his ** still gets hard. I said "What am I to you? Why don't you want real sex with me? I want to have sex, I love sex. I always ask you to have sex with me but you always avoid me, and now your watching porn masturbating, saying that you want to know if your ** will still get hard?" ......I was so mad, I felt like it so unfair on my part. It made me feel like, I'm not desirable anymore, he doesn't feel horny when he sees me naked anymore, I'm not attractive anymore. I feel so mad. I feel pity towards my self. I know its crazy but it makes me cry. :( I have caught him a few times naked in front of his laptop, he suddenly covers his lap and sit straight acting as if nothing happened. I had a feeling that he watches porn and masturbates but I just try to ignore it. I also asked him if he do sex chats or cam 2 cam with other women, he said no. Although in the middle of the night i hear him like he's talking to someone. I just ignore it I'm thinking maybe he is just talking to his friends or family.
I told him, I always ask you to have sex with me but you avoid me, and every time we try to have sex his **** never gets hard its because he prefers to watch porn and masturbate instead. I don't know what to do, what to think, I'm trying to understand but it really makes me sad :(
Please guys, I need some of your insights or advice about my situation? Thank you all. :(
It sounds like he is a porn/sex addict. He cannot get hard with you due to PIED, porn induced ED. Also because he is so used to gripping his penis so tightly while masturbating (also known as death grip) he has lost sensitivity.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk
 

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Just a guys perspective for what it’s worth. I’m usually a deep thinker, and had to be over these last years. A great question to ask him (and be open to what or how he replies - with no defenses if you want the truth) when things are calm and no distractions (not at bedtime). Tell him him you love him more than anything and want to get to know him better, and want to be open to hear his perspective. Ask: How do you feel/define intimacy? Listen carefully and DON’T say anything except that’s a good point or I’ve never thought of it that way, because he might just realize things for the 1st time too. Is it when he recognizes he is wanted for his advice, fix things, wanted physically or noticed, when you actually respond to his issues on other days and give an opinion/debate as his confidant vs the typical female empathetic response that works for when girls talk, feels listened to vs talked at/over, when you both have a chance to open up and share without fear of being rejected again (from his perspective of rejection not yours) or hear a stupid response like “well that’s because you ... If he brings up sex as how he defines intimacy, go a step further (because that’s just a surface answer most men never get to explore beyond that without being told “you always want sex” which shuts them down saying anything further. Doesn’t stop his natural desire, just changes where he goes to feel vulnerable in whatever he defines as intimacy (like pornography - no rejection, or work, or other people’s praises, etc.). His definition might be seeing you naked and feeling as if you want to share everything “intimate” (something that is just between you & him) with him. Intercourse isn’t always beginning/end for a guy. Example. You want “sex” and you guys have intercourse, then later you ask why doesn’t he want it anymore. If the lights are always out, no foreplay (how he defines foreplay occasionally), just sex and it’s over. Well truth be told later in life a guy might physically climax if he really tries, but mentally nahhhh without the “intimacy” piece. Some even say, it’s difficult to feel down there when inside a woman if that’s your immediate or only go to action. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, just the intimacy isn’t there or changed to something else over the years.
I'm sure there are some nuggets of wisdom in there; but, I can not figure out what you are trying to say.
 
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