Husband disrespects me: confused about what to do.

6598 Views 13 Replies 11 Participants Last post by diwali123, Dec 7, 2012

confusedsad_wife

Discussion Starter · Dec 4, 2012

Hi all, I just joined today because I'm pretty tired of being sad and what I feel is disrespected. So hubs and I have been married two yrs, together seven. We fight and make up a lot. But usually we get along really well in between fights, we date, have a great sex life, we have learned to communicate well. Lately however I feel as though he has zero respect for me. In just the past fortnight he has:
Yelled at me (swearing) at two am because our 4 y.o. was in the bed wiggling around.
Accused me of not applying our daughters exczema cream because I couldn't remember where I left the tube (again, this was in the middle of the night and I was asleep)
Called me a liar when I didn't know where his paintbrush was (I have always been an honest person)
Bought home a six pack of beer when he went to bottle shop with money from my own pocket. I hate beer, and he knows it.
Watched my brand new dvd without me while I was out. He then hogs the tv and claims he doesn't want to rewatch the dvd. When the heck am I supposed to watch it if hes always on the remote?
Calls me the c word if we disagree on something.
Cuts me off mid sentence and does not allow me to get in my opinion when we are discussing something.
Yells abuse at me when I ask when he can make a repayment on money he borrowed.
I'm sure there are plenty more examples but these are what I wrote down because they have all occurred RECENTLY. I have tried to tell him that I really don't like the way he had been treating me and speaking to me, his response is along the lines of "well I can't be as articulate as you, sorry for not being smart enough!) Despite the fact that I have told hubby it is not the construction of words and sentences I care about, its the fact that you are a jerk!! Okay, well uve written enough for now but I would really appreciate Amy advice anyone has to offer. Kind regards and TIA.
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Acorn

· #2 · Dec 4, 2012

It does sound like he is being disrespectful, very much so. This sounds like something you can solve with having good boundaries.

When he treats you in a way you don't want to be treated, tell him calmly what his is doing, that you won't tolerate any more, and if he can't stop, you will have to leave. ("I won't tolerate you talking to me like that. If you continue, I'm leaving the room.")

You have to be ready to follow up because you will have to leave the first few times.

If he follows you without remorse, leave the room, the house, the yard, etc. to prove your point.

You aren't putting up this boundary to change him, but rather to protect yourself.

Is there anything that you can point at that has made him angry over the years?

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CharlieParker

· #3 · Dec 4, 2012

What Acorn says. But also elaborate a bit more.

confusedsad_wife said:
We fight and make up a lot. [...] we have learned to communicate well. Lately however I feel as though he has zero respect for me. In just the past fortnight he has:

The fortnight list, are those fights that you make up from? If so explain the communication that leads to making up. What does the making up look and feel like?

Or, is it a list of angry outbursts, if so what happens next?

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DayDream

· #4 · Dec 4, 2012

Get another TV, put it in the bedroom or something. That solves that argument.

But the disrespect towards you...you have to sit down and have a serious talk with him about it. Not only is it immature - it's hurtful to the relationship and every time he uses the "c" word he pushes you farther away. You are building up resentment with each disrespectful word that comes out of his mouth and it is dehumanizing you.

I would tell him the next time he calls you a "C" you will leave. That you can't live with a "partner" that has so little respect for you, he would stoop to calling you that.

In order to make this list of demands, though, you need to also fix anything about yourself that would be construed as immature and harmful to the relationship. Sift through the hurtful words he has spewed and search for a nugget of truth in them. Figure out if there is anything you have done that may have contributed to his lack of respect for you (and I am NOT condoning his reactions...just because you may have contributed to his anger does NOT give him the right to disrespect you).

You two need to be adults about this and learn to communicate without hurtful words and insults. As soon as an insult happens, you stop listening to anything that might be considered helpful to know about your spouse's feelings. I would tell him "This argument is over." as soon as he starts with the insults and demeaning behavior...because you aren't going to solve anything at that point. And what are arguments for? To solve a problem in the marriage.

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Ten_year_hubby

· #5 · Dec 4, 2012

confusedsad_wife said:
Yelled at me (swearing) at two am because our 4 y.o. was in the bed wiggling around.
Called me a liar when I didn't know where his paintbrush was (I have always been an honest person)
Calls me the c word if we disagree on something.
Cuts me off mid sentence and does not allow me to get in my opinion when we are discussing something.
Yells abuse at me when I ask when he can make a repayment on money he borrowed.
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The absolute worst thing you can do is to just let this go. Yelling and name calling can never be justified although probably everyone has done this at least once.

Follow Acorn's advice and speak up any time this happens, at the very least saying "I feel hurt (disrespected, humiliated) when you say things like this and I am asking you to please stop".

If he doesn't (stop) then leave the room. In my case, my wife followed me around the house and even out in the yard, ranting and raving, so eventually I had to say "I need to go to the store real quick and pick up some lotto tickets. See you in a little bit." After doing this a couple of times, she improved considerably although we are not completely out of the forest yet.

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PursuitOfHappiness

· #6 · Dec 5, 2012

confusedsad_wife said:
Hi all, I just joined today because I'm pretty tired of being sad and what I feel is disrespected. So hubs and I have been married two yrs, together seven. We fight and make up a lot. But usually we get along really well in between fights, we date, have a great sex life, we have learned to communicate well. Lately however I feel as though he has zero respect for me. In just the past fortnight he has:
Yelled at me (swearing) at two am because our 4 y.o. was in the bed wiggling around.
Accused me of not applying our daughters exczema cream because I couldn't remember where I left the tube (again, this was in the middle of the night and I was asleep)
Called me a liar when I didn't know where his paintbrush was (I have always been an honest person)
Bought home a six pack of beer when he went to bottle shop with money from my own pocket. I hate beer, and he knows it.
Watched my brand new dvd without me while I was out. He then hogs the tv and claims he doesn't want to rewatch the dvd. When the heck am I supposed to watch it if hes always on the remote?
Calls me the c word if we disagree on something.
Cuts me off mid sentence and does not allow me to get in my opinion when we are discussing something.
Yells abuse at me when I ask when he can make a repayment on money he borrowed.
I'm sure there are plenty more examples but these are what I wrote down because they have all occurred RECENTLY. I have tried to tell him that I really don't like the way he had been treating me and speaking to me, his response is along the lines of "well I can't be as articulate as you, sorry for not being smart enough!) Despite the fact that I have told hubby it is not the construction of words and sentences I care about, its the fact that you are a jerk!! Okay, well uve written enough for now but I would really appreciate Amy advice anyone has to offer. Kind regards and TIA.
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Well, read my story see if there are more similarities with your situation. It sounds more like abusive behavior, but not as serious as my situation. However, you should talk to him and ask him stop the yelling, cursing and name calling.
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confusedsad_wife

Discussion Starter · #7 · Dec 7, 2012 (Edited)

I think that I was trying to avoid confronting him about it. The list of examples I gave were indeed angry outbursts, only one of which led to a fight because I handled the disrespect badly. But I shouldn't have to! Anyway, last night it happened again. He cut me off midsentence then got annoyed because he didn't understand what I was trying to say. Well hello, let me finish and then you might! I told him he was being rude to me and it was frustrating me, he responded by walking off to the shed for a sulk.

So after 10 minutes I went out and said we need to talk. I explained that I am really upset about the way he has been disrespecting me lately. His response was 'oh, so everything is my fault again' after trying to discuss it he got extremely angry, yelled, called me the c word again, called me a liar and started smashing a hatchet on the floor. I know he has issues and is stressed out because of the season, but I really can't take this abuse. I do not want to leave him but I can't stay like this.

How can we fix this if he won't talk to me like a human being, let alone his wife?
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RClawson

· #8 · Dec 7, 2012

I think you are going to have to do a bit of shock and awe. Do you have somewhere you can take your child for a couple of days. You need to send a message because it seems you are not getting your point across. You need to take a stand and quick or it is going to be a very long and arduous 5 decades.

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EleGirl

· #9 · Dec 7, 2012

He sounds abusive and like he is escalating.

Abusers usually start out with just occasional small stuff. Overtime, as they find that they can get away with things, the up the ante.

So here you are, after years of you teaching him that it's ok to treat you like this... he's escalating.... to physical violence. Him using the hatchet while talking to you in anger has a very definite message.... next time it could be you.

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NextTimeAround

· #10 · Dec 7, 2012

1. You've been together for a total of 7 years. What was he like before you decided that his behaviour towards you is abusive? Would you characterize his earlier behavior towards you as passive / aggressive?

2. Great make up sex… hmmmmm? Do you think sometimes that you like the emotional highs and lows between you two?

3. Name calling is a very obvious breach and you should stop him doing that immediately.

4. He “borrowed” money from you. My feeling is that when you’re married, yours is his and vice versa. Having your attitude about money between a married couple suggests that sometimes one or both of you aren’t thinking in terms of being married. Perhaps you might think that he diverted household money to a pleasure of his own but I have trouble thinking that married couples “borrow” money from each other.

5. As for your other examples, those things have been visited upon me as well. A good book is the “Verbally Abusive Relationship.” The author describes these manoeuvres that you have and gives some strategy as to how to manage them.

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DayDream

· #11 · Dec 7, 2012

NextTimeAround said:
3. Name calling is a very obvious breach and you should stop him doing that immediately.

4. He “borrowed” money from you. My feeling is that when you’re married, yours is his and vice versa. Having your attitude about money between a married couple suggests that sometimes one or both of you aren’t thinking in terms of being married. Perhaps you might think that he diverted household money to a pleasure of his own but I have trouble thinking that married couples “borrow” money from each other.
QUOTE]

These. My mother drives me nuts with the whole "MY money, not YOUR DAD'S" argument she's been having forever. Whenever hubby and I go out to eat, and I happen to mention it off-hand to her, she gets an immediate attitude and says, "Yeah? Did YOU have to pay??" and I tell her every single friggin' time we are married, we have a joint bank account, the money is both of ours, not his or mine. It doesn't sink in. I think this kind of attitude is a hindrance to the marriage myself and I'm glad we have joint because that is one less complication to the marriage.

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Ten_year_hubby

· #12 · Dec 7, 2012

confusedsad_wife said:
I think that I was trying to avoid confronting him about it. The list of examples I gave were indeed angry outbursts, only one of which led to a fight because I handled the disrespect badly. But I shouldn't have to! Anyway, last night it happened again. He cut me off midsentence then got annoyed because he didn't understand what I was trying to say. Well hello, let me finish and then you might! I told him he was being rude to me and it was frustrating me, he responded by walking off to the shed for a sulk.

So after 10 minutes I went out and said we need to talk. I explained that I am really upset about the way he has been disrespecting me lately. His response was 'oh, so everything is my fault again' after trying to discuss it he got extremely angry, yelled, called me the c word again, called me a liar and started smashing a hatchet on the floor. I know he has issues and is stressed out because of the season, but I really can't take this abuse. I do not want to leave him but I can't stay like this.

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I'm sorry that all this had to fall into your lap, but sometimes life is not fair. First, we have to establish for ourselves that you are the emotionally mature person in the relationship. This means you have to hold the high ground if anything is ever going to improve. Lots of people bail at this point, but if you're still with me, I'll give a couple hints.

When you "told him he was being rude to me and it was frustrating me" I'm sure he got defensive at the way this was presented. We have to be very careful here to say things in a fashion that gets our partner to work with us.

When "after 10 minutes I went out and said we need to talk. I explained that I am really upset about the way he has been disrespecting me lately" you didn't wait long enough for him to calm down (at least a couple hours or overnight) and you brought up a bunch of old stuff rather than sticking with the specific incident at hand. This is called "piling on" and is always has a bad outcome. You would have been better off saying nothing.

You have a tall order to fill. If you're still with me, write back and if not, I completely understand

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ShawnD

· #13 · Dec 7, 2012

Ten_year_hubby said:
If he doesn't (stop) then leave the room. In my case, my wife followed me around the house and even out in the yard, ranting and raving, so eventually I had to say "I need to go to the store real quick and pick up some lotto tickets. See you in a little bit." After doing this a couple of times, she improved considerably although we are not completely out of the forest yet.

"I have to return some video tapes"

RECENTLY

Maybe he recently became a drug addict and that's why he's such a c*** all the time.

Get another TV, put it in the bedroom or something. That solves that argument.

Then he'll watch TV when she's trying to sleep. He won't turn down the volume, and he'll laugh like an idiot just because it keeps her awake.

He cut me off midsentence then got annoyed because he didn't understand what I was trying to say.

It's hard to understand people when you're on drugs.

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diwali123

· #14 · Dec 7, 2012

Who did he borrow money from?
What did you mean when you said the season has him stressed?
I would take that hatchet thing seriously. To me that's a threat and it scares me for you.
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