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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I haven’t been married long. We will make 2 years this September. Been together 4 years total. Since we got married, he has threatened me with divorce 4 times. I was petrified and couldn’t bare to lose him. But the last time he said “divorce,” I had enough of it. Especially because my mom was sent home on hospice care the day he “wanted a divorce” again. He put it on the back burner bc he knew I was going through a lot with my mom..long story short, I knew going through the loss of my mom and my marriage was too much for me to handle at once, so I didn’t push the issue either. 2 months went by and I had hardly no support from him taking care of my mom. I was so hurt and bitter about it and I knew once I took some time to grieve, I would tell him I’m also ready for the divorce. He didn’t agree with my mom passing away at home and wanted her to be in a hospice care facility. We had many disagreements about that..and it was hard feeling like I was going it alone. My mom passed away April 23. By June 8, I called my lawyer, reviewed a prenup I signed only to discover he had it worded in such a way that my separate property would be half his if we can’t agree on an amount he contributed to it. He is worth 15 million. I’m worth a little less than 1. I brought this up to him and told him I needed the prenup FIXED ASAP. He refuses. I told him I want a divorce. A week a later, not even, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I’m torn. I can’t help but wonder if this is karma for him not being supportive when my mom was just going through stage 4 cancer and all she wanted was to pass at home. I gave her that wish and he and I would fight about it nonstop. He told me I was being selfish and putting her before him and complained bc I slept at her home a lot and wasn’t making time for him. But now I’m expected to drop everything for him? I went out on fmla leave with work for the duration of her treatments and hospice care. He kept asking me when I was going back to work. Now miraculously, he doesn’t ask bc I take him to all his appointments! And I will be expected to take him to treatments and be there for him..when we wasn’t there for me or my mom when she was passing. He finally came through when she had 3 days left. He finally slept over with me and he was there when she passed..but for months before hand her was going it alone and felt zero support. We were not at all expecting a cancer diagnosis..the doctors thought he had really bad acid reflux. Now I feel stuck taking care of him and that sounds terrible but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to do. The right thing to do would be stick it out “through thick and thin.” And then I’m DONE but I can’t shake this resentment! I feel bad for him and I just keep telling myself we put divorce on the back burner when my mom went into hospice so I’m going to put it on the back burner now to return the favor. Does that seem right/fair? Looking for advice!! I am so torn. I don’t want to see him suffer or go through chemo and surgery. I just lost my mom to this disease. But he is also is such a crappy mood and we are bickering over everything! We were LITERALLY just about the part ways and then we get this diagnosis!?? How does this happen :(
 

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As a male I will say that a lot of men would have behaved the same as your man. Men are selfish creatures. I would have fully supported you right up to the dying in my house. He should have stayed with you more and helped you cope.
Very selfish and the whole game with the divorce threats. Juvenile.
That all being said I would hope you could rise above his crap and help take care of him. I myself could not leave anyone you is battling a terrible sickness. Esophageal cancer is no joke. Always try to be a better person cause you feel it in your heart. To do it because you may feel your karma needs a boost is the wrong reason. There has to be a tiny bit of love left. Just be the better person the world needs better people and people that care about others. It will be hard but you may learn some nice things about yourself and maybe even him.
Good luck to you both.


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The right thing to do would be stick it out “through thick and thin.”
This is what you promised to do in your wedding vows, no?

There is no honorable way out of marriage, unless it is related to egregious behavior on the part of your spouse. Selfishness, unless carried to an extreme level, like in abandonment, adultery, physical violence, etc. are the limited cases focused upon by our divorce laws.

What you did while taking care of your mom was construed as abandonment by your selfish husband. I have to admit that my feelings were torn when my wife quit her job to take care of our daughter during her battle with cancer. However, the overriding factor in my mind was that I loved our daughter as much as I loved my wife. I wanted our daughter to receive the good care, even though my wife essentially lived at our daughter's house and hospice for months. I also have to admit that my resentments would have been more difficult to ignore if it was my wife's mother. Simply because I had no "bond" to my MIL.

I can’t help but wonder if this is karma for him
No. It is not. Cancer is a disease which is common to all people in all families. It is part of our human condition. My beautiful daughter, my morally-upright, loving son who became precisely that to his wife, are both now at home with God due to it. I can assure you, neither of them ever did anything which qualified them to receive it. My son at 17, my daughter at 36.

I am so thankful that I didn't stop, or hinder, my wife from providing care to our daughter. Our son lived 2000 miles away, but he had a tender wife who was there for him. His death actually came from the weakened heart and lungs he was left with by chemotherapy and radiation 26 years before his death.

Looking for advice!!
Ok. This is mine. Divorce is not an option. Stick it out. I am not allowed to "preach" on here. But I believe there is a just reward for your unselfishness. I received mine.....
Your "doing what is right" will pay greater dividends, going forward, than the relief you will feel temporarily. My reward is far greater today than any I would have gotten by cajoling my wife into staying with me.
 

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I'm with @Livvie.

@nmgeo, treat others as they would have treated you. Ask yourself "would he stick around and help me if the shoe was on the other foot?" and proceed in kind.

If this was happening to me and the answer was No, then I would file for legal separation (get it on record that your intention is to divorce) then see my soon to be ex-husband through the INITIAL, traditional treatments, not to exceed 6 months. If he chooses to slow play cancer treatment with holistic medicine (keto diet, infrared light, meditation, etc ) then I would file for divorce immediately and let his next of kin deal with it.

It's a dog eat dog world out there and your husband knows that based on the fact that he could quote the prenup.

I think your actions should represent your heart. Don't act out of guilt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Did you have the benefit of counsel before signing the prenup? If not, the prenup may not be valid. How did he contribute to your separate property before marriage?

You haven't said anything about loving your husband. Do you?
He offered to pay for me to go see a lawyer bc at that time I was struggling financially and idiot me out of stubbornness I refused to take his money. Instead I went to my moms best friend’s husband who happened to be a lawyer and he walked me through the prenup for free. He is an immigration lawyer so looking back I feel foolish for doing that. But I trusted him. I also trusted my husband and didn’t think he would ask for a portion of my home under any circumstances. He before we were married, tried to help me fix a leak I was having in the basement. My husband is in construction and owns a business. He told me before we were married, not to worry he wanted to help me fix it. I was hesitant and told him it was OK I would do it on my own but he insisted. He told me he had a friend of a friend who wrote him a favor (owed him money) and the job would get done. This “friend of a friend“ went to my family home and digged out The perimeter of the house and left it like that for several months before going back to finish the job. Literally, if you go on Google earth you can see photos of my home in shambles with dirt dug up for months! My mom was living in the home at the time and she would constantly complain and ask when they will go to finish the job because we had no front steps anymore. They removed the front steps and created a makeshift mailbox very far from the front door. Being that my mom was sick at the time, it was a huge inconvenience. I realize looking back now, the work was completed a couple months after we were legally married. And I look back and can’t help but wonder if this was done intentionally so he would have receipts showing he contributed financially to my home so he could claim half of it in the prenup if we ever got divorced. I confronted him about that when I reviewed the prenup upon his last threat of divorce and he claims he didn’t even know his lawyer worded the prenup that way. I find it very hard to believe. He told me he was willing to amend the prenup and he did that. But now, instead of being stupid, I took the amended prenup to a lawyer and he is still playing games because he still worded it in a way where he would be entitled to the appreciation value of my home instead of making claims on work that was done in the past. He believes that he is entitled to at least the appreciation because, “ what if my business goes under, I did work in your basement and I would need something to keep me afloat in the future.“ One very important factor, the “friend of a friend” allegedly ended up charging him $37,000 to fix a leak in the basement. I find that so hard to believe. He claims he will show me receipts anytime and that amount has changed three times. The first time, he told me the guy ended up charging him 13,000. Then one day when he was upset with threats of the divorce he told me he paid 200,000 towards my home. Then, when I told him I was ready to proceed with the divorce, he said OK well you know, it was $37k. There are a lot more reasons why I was headed in the direction of divorce. My mom on her deathbed informed me she had money put aside in cash. I made the mistake of telling him how much it was and it was only at that point, that he was willing to get a joint bank account with me. That was a huge red flag. He kept asking me about the money where did I put it how much was it, and it didn’t sit well with me. For the last couple years we’ve been sharing one car because my lease was up and I thought I should use my money wisely and pay off my debts. Well, I did all of that and have had one heck of a year.. when I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy a car possibly with some of the money my mom left me, he got upset and told me why do I need a car now when I can use his anytime I want? between the prenup and the cash and him trying to make claims on my home, and now trying to take appreciation value of my home when he told me from day one he would never touch my home, I just feel also financially bullied by him. He is worth a lot more than I am. He earns over $200,000 a year. There is so much more to the story.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You both were ready for divorce and had started the process. See him through his treatments, then proceed with the divorce.
Thanks for the feedback… This is the direction I am feeling would be most appropriate. It’s just sad because he is becoming very clingy and seemingly loves me for sticking by his side even though he knows we were on the verge of signing divorce papers. It’s sad because he hugs me at night and holds me and says thank you and cries and I can sympathize with him but deep down I still do want the divorce and I do not want to continue a life with him after he is done with treatments. He doesn’t know this, but it will come out. And to throw a monkey wrench in all of this, I will not start a family with this man. I know That’s some thing he definitely wants but for me, that’s a dealbreaker because I will never have children with this man. We are going to therapy in the mist of all this and I know that will become a topic we must discuss. I know it’s really hard because he’s going through a tough time with this diagnosis, chemo, radiation and surgery in the near future… So I’m also wondering if I should keep all of this inside and not talk too much about it in therapy because I need him to get through that first? There’s just so much to this and it’s so complicated. I wish I could just leave now and MoveOn but I wouldn’t want that done to me so I’m sticking it out but it’s so hard with this resentment inside.
 

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I'm sorry you are in this situation. You want to have a clear conscience and help this guy get through this disease, and this proves that you are a good person. My guess is that, once he is out of the danger zone, he will revert to his old self, and you are completely right not to want a family with him. He sounds dishonest and selfish. Someone said that all men are selfish. I don't think we should accept it as the norm. I'm not sure all of them are selfish, but even if they're not, society makes it ok that they are selfish, while it is not ok for a woman to be selfish. She is always supposed to prioritize others in her life before her happiness and stick it out.
I think you are right to want to help your husband to get his treatments and then get to the divorce once he is out of danger. I agree that doing it with so much resentment is hard. I would bring it up in therapy, so that he realizes what you are dealing with and despite all that you are still helping him.
 

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when I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy a car possibly with some of the money my mom left me, he got upset and told me why do I need a car now when I can use his anytime I want? between the prenup and the cash and him trying to make claims on my home, and now trying to take appreciation value of my home when he told me from day one he would never touch my home, I just feel also financially bullied by him. He is worth a lot more than I am. He earns over $200,000 a year. There is so much more to the story.
Are you absolutely positive? Because he sure is acting like a guy who has a lot of shady accounting and/or business practices who is perhaps using his wife as a piggy bank in case it all comes crashing down.

Why do I have a feeling a forensic accountant would terrify him? See, he owns a business and has assets that have grown in value since the marriage. You very likely have reason to request the court force full financial disclosure. Since you don't trust him...any why would you?...you'd get a forensic accountant to look at the records. Dollars to donuts he'd suddenly be willing to give you an amicable divorce to avoid a forensic accountant pawing through his records.

Even if that's not the case and he's just a garden variety jackass ( sometimes I really do hate not being able to use strong language here) I'd leave his sorry ass cancer or no. He's worth $15 million, right? He can use his money to pay for a nurse and driver.
 

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If it looks terminal then stay married and take his money. If not just get the divorce.
This is the go-to answer.
An answer I choke on.

I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this.
Be the better person.

Wait it out, say...two more years.
Bite your tongue, avoid him if necessary.

It could be he knew about his cancer before all this and wanted you out of his life, and out of his last-will, before hand.

If necessary, fight the divorce in court, wait him out.

Note: not all cancers are ultimately lethal.

This particular cancer is often caused by heavy alcohol use (and GERD) or from oral sex from someone with a virus.

Esophageal cancer is 45 to +60 % survivable out to five years.
It depends on its stage, whether it has spread, etc.
 

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This is the go-to answer.
An answer I choke on.

I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this.
Be the better person.

Wait it out, say...two more years.
Bite your tongue, avoid him if necessary.

It could be he knew about his cancer before all this and wanted you out of his life, and out of his last-will, before hand.

If necessary, fight the divorce in court, wait him out.

Note: not all cancers are ultimately lethal.

This particular cancer is often caused by heavy alcohol use (and GERD) or from oral sex from someone with a virus.

Esophageal cancer is 45 to +60 % survivable out to five years.
It depends on its stage, whether it has spread, etc.
Yeah honey…be the better person so when he survives the cancer, he can screw you out of every penny he can get. BUT…you’ll have a clear conscious right?

SMDH


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This is the go-to answer.
An answer I choke on.

I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this.
Be the better person.

Wait it out, say...two more years.
Bite your tongue, avoid him if necessary.

It could be he knew about his cancer before all this and wanted you out of his life, and out of his last-will, before hand.

If necessary, fight the divorce in court, wait him out.

Note: not all cancers are ultimately lethal.

This particular cancer is often caused by heavy alcohol use (and GERD) or from oral sex from someone with a virus.

Esophageal cancer is 45 to +60 % survivable out to five years.
It depends on its stage, whether it has spread, etc.
I’ll marry him for 15 million.
 

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Yeah honey…be the better person so when he survives the cancer, he can screw you out of every penny he can get. BUT…you’ll have a clear conscious right?

SMDH


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A clear conscious js priceless.
 
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My parents got divorced when I was just 4 years old starting kingergarten. They spent years hating on each other. When I was 17, my mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. Despite being divorced, my dad still showed up at my mother's house every day for the last year of her life to help take care of her. Maybe there is no reward for doing the right thing but you should still do it. I've always liked this quote: "Honor is a gift a man gives himself."
 
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