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I've posted on her before, but need some direction. I busted my husband texting a woman (who he works with and continues to work with) approximately 2 1/2 yrs ago. I pulled telephone bills and found 1000+ texts per month....When confronted, he said they were just friends. I called the other woman...same story...they were just friends. He said he quit texting, but found him on his ipod touch texting her again as he downloaded a free texting application (2 years ago). He said he doesn't know what he is doing, he is a mess....He starts not coming home at night, saying he doesn't know what he wants, I need to mind my own business, quit digging around, he gets his own bank account, his own phone account, etc. He goes out and says that it's none of my business where he goes or states that he is with one of his buddies. We live like this for the last 1 3/4 years. I am in MC for the entire time trying to figure out what to do. When confronted, he says that he has never cheated on me, etc....He does state he has feelings for her, but is confused. Well, about two months ago, he did not come home one night and I decided to drive to the OW house and his car was there at 7AM. I pound on the door, nobody comes to the door. I then kicked him out of our house. He only came back 2 weeks ago to get some stuff. He continues to pay the mortgage, etc...when he came around two weeks ago we got into a huge discussion and he confessed to cheating on me with the OW. Tells me he has been sleeping with her for over a year. I remain unemotional about it as I've known this and dealt with my emotions. He is all emotional.....is a wreck....says he is afraid that he will never have me again, that he believes I am the only person who understands him and that he can talk to, the other woman is immature (11 years younger). She fought with him all of the time, he is done with her, he doesn't respect her, etc....He doesn't ask to come back home and I do not invite him. I sent him an email stating that in order for him to move back into the house that he 1.) He needs to get individual counseling 2.) We need to attend MC for an extended period of time 3.) He needs to apologize in person to my whole family 4.) He needs to create transparency with everything...phone, accounts, email, etc....this is just a start. I tell him via email to just think about it and that he does not need to respond to my email. It's been two weeks and we have texted a couple of times about business stuff (filing taxes, etc...) but not one word on his end about my email or making the decision to try to see if we can work on the relationship. Wouldn't you think he would be communicating more with me over the past two weeks if he wanted to push his way back in? I think I am going to invite him over and ask him what he would like to do and if he still doesn't know then I will file for divorce. I'm at the point where the ultimatum needs to happen and then move forward in either direction...but I'm having so much trouble ending this whole thing. I don't get it as he has been so horrible. Thoughts?
 

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He has gotten away with pushing you from placing boundaries up to know. He does not want to respond because then there will be something he is going to be accountable for.

Stay firm tell him he needs to respond by a date and time and if he doesn't you need to move forward.
 

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He's been having his cake and eating it too for a long time now. He's had two women 'meeting his needs,' and now you're putting the kibosh on that. At first, he panics and acts like he wants to work to keep you, but when it becomes clear that you won't be fooled easily into allowing him to continue cake-eating, he's not so sure. And so, you don't get an answer to your offer.

I will bet that he wants both of you. I don't think he will give her up. I would file for divorce if I were you.
 

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Sorry you're going through this but you need to ask yourself how much you're willing to put up with. Because it sounds like he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

That being said, file for divorce.
 

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He is carrying on a long term affair, he has lied to you, and repeatedly gas lighted you. He is enjoying his cake, thank you.
Why would you let yourself continue to be his plan B? He has no respect for you. It is pointless to continue marriage counseling because he isn't in the marriage. Seek individual counseling to help you recover your self esteem.
 

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I've posted on her before, but need some direction. I busted my husband texting a woman (who he works with and continues to work with) approximately 2 1/2 yrs ago. I pulled telephone bills and found 1000+ texts per month....When confronted, he said they were just friends. I called the other woman...same story...they were just friends.
God I hate that "just friends" line. So patronizing and dismissive. It makes me want to :BoomSmilie_anim:!

Seriously though, as you already know, anyone texting over 1000 times a month is never just a friend. And in all likelihood, he wasn't texting you that much.

I need to mind my own business, quit digging around, he gets his own bank account, his own phone account, etc. He goes out and says that it's none of my business where he goes or states that he is with one of his buddies. We live like this for the last 1 3/4 years.
This attitude is very telling. Someone is overly entitled and is open-mouthed and enjoying that conveyor belt of cheater's cake. I'm sorry but when someone cheats, much of what they do is your business. He wants to cheat and run around and for you to sit by idly and never to pry and discover the betrayals as it will make work and upset for him. Nevermind what his cheating does to you.

He is all emotional.....is a wreck....says he is afraid that he will never have me again, that he believes I am the only person who understands him and that he can talk to, the other woman is immature (11 years younger). She fought with him all of the time, he is done with her, he doesn't respect her, etc....
Does he share any insight on what this might be like for you? This bit is all about him, his worries, his crocodile tears, his emotions, his fears, his unhappiness upon realizing that the grass isn't greener... etc. What does he say to you about how this might be for you? Has he show remorse? Is he putting in efforts at all to fix this? Right now all it sounds like me, me, me (him, him, him).

I sent him an email stating that in order for him to move back into the house that he 1.) He needs to get individual counseling 2.) We need to attend MC for an extended period of time 3.) He needs to apologize in person to my whole family 4.) He needs to create transparency with everything...phone, accounts, email, etc....this is just a start.
This is all very good stuff.


Wouldn't you think he would be communicating more with me over the past two weeks if he wanted to push his way back in?
Not necessarily. Many don't try to push their ways back in right away. They need to really feel like they can lose you. Up until this point, he was cake-eating for two years and getting your comfort as a wife while having an affair with very little consequences. If he does come home, it will take a little more insistence on your part that you are not an option.

I think I am going to invite him over and ask him what he would like to do
Not sure that I'd go this route. It comes across to me that he has the power over you by asking him to come home and discuss the relationship and he might use that to his advantage. If it was me, I'd 180 and file for divorce.
 
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I've posted on her before, but need some direction. I busted my husband texting a woman (who he works with and continues to work with) approximately 2 1/2 yrs ago. I pulled telephone bills and found 1000+ texts per month....When confronted, he said they were just friends. I called the other woman...same story...they were just friends. He said he quit texting, but found him on his ipod touch texting her again as he downloaded a free texting application (2 years ago). He said he doesn't know what he is doing, he is a mess....He starts not coming home at night, saying he doesn't know what he wants, I need to mind my own business, quit digging around, he gets his own bank account, his own phone account, etc. He goes out and says that it's none of my business where he goes or states that he is with one of his buddies. We live like this for the last 1 3/4 years. I am in MC for the entire time trying to figure out what to do. When confronted, he says that he has never cheated on me, etc....He does state he has feelings for her, but is confused. Well, about two months ago, he did not come home one night and I decided to drive to the OW house and his car was there at 7AM. I pound on the door, nobody comes to the door. I then kicked him out of our house. He only came back 2 weeks ago to get some stuff. He continues to pay the mortgage, etc...when he came around two weeks ago we got into a huge discussion and he confessed to cheating on me with the OW. Tells me he has been sleeping with her for over a year. I remain unemotional about it as I've known this and dealt with my emotions. He is all emotional.....is a wreck....says he is afraid that he will never have me again, that he believes I am the only person who understands him and that he can talk to, the other woman is immature (11 years younger). She fought with him all of the time, he is done with her, he doesn't respect her, etc....He doesn't ask to come back home and I do not invite him. I sent him an email stating that in order for him to move back into the house that he 1.) He needs to get individual counseling 2.) We need to attend MC for an extended period of time 3.) He needs to apologize in person to my whole family 4.) He needs to create transparency with everything...phone, accounts, email, etc....this is just a start. I tell him via email to just think about it and that he does not need to respond to my email. It's been two weeks and we have texted a couple of times about business stuff (filing taxes, etc...) but not one word on his end about my email or making the decision to try to see if we can work on the relationship. Wouldn't you think he would be communicating more with me over the past two weeks if he wanted to push his way back in? I think I am going to invite him over and ask him what he would like to do and if he still doesn't know then I will file for divorce. I'm at the point where the ultimatum needs to happen and then move forward in either direction...but I'm having so much trouble ending this whole thing. I don't get it as he has been so horrible. Thoughts?
Your requirements to allow him to return to your marriage are woefully inadequate. The first order of business is for him to leave that job. After that, he changes his cell phone number and deletes his social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, etc.)
He needs to write a No Contact letter to her, dumping her permanently. We can help with the wording - don't let him construct his own. He needs to write it in his own hand-writing - then YOU approve the wording and YOU mail it. He also needs to make all passwords available to you. You need to be able to pick up his cell phone at any time to review his activity.


He's staying quiet right now because he's mulling over your recent demands and is trying to figure out how to work around them. He's also busy getting boinked by OW. Pay no attention to his complaints about his younger OW - they mean nothing. Those are the ramblings of a fog-addled adulterer. He's still boinking her, isn't her? End of story.

Stay strong. Make your boundaries known to him (see my comments above) and do NOT back down from them.

All that is IF you want to keep this hound dog. That's your call. If you don't have kids together you may want to seriously examine your options.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Wow - great thoughts here. I appreciate the advice and support. Yeah, I don't know what my deal is....I'm normally a very strong person and not so sure why I have let him get away with so much. I think I was partially afraid of being alone, but frankly since he has moved out, it has been more peaceful. I just keep thinking....this is not the man I married...the guy who was so supportive, backed me 100%, couldn't believe it when his brother cheated on his wife, etc....When I see him so broken down in front of me, part of me wants to believe/wishes that he is being honest and truly has discovered that he screwed up....and will never do it again...but in my head, I know better...and you guys are probably right...as we speak he probably is at the OW house confiding in her. I know a 180 and filing is the right thing, but in my mind, I feel like I need to meet with him one more time and see where his head is at....If he doesn't provide any insight into his thoughts over the past two months since he moved out, then I do believe I will find the strength to move on. It's just so unfortunate when you give someone 14 years of your life and then they just crap on you. I'll keep you guys posted as to new events. I really appreciate the responses!
 

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This could be my story. Same stuff really. Lies, lies and more lies.

I've been married 13 yrs and this crap has been going on for the past 2 THAT I KNOW ABOUT.

I've been fed the we're "just friends" BS cheater-line too, more times than I can remember.

I've given my STBXH plenty of opportunity to do what others suggested here ie: no contact letter, total transparency, etc. He literally laughed in my face.

The past 2 months he's been asking me on dates, talking about our future and attempting to reconcile.

The past 2 wks I found pictures of him and one of his "just friends" on her Facebook (he blocked me from his). She has posted them "I'm so lucky", "What a wonderful guy", "with my sweetie". Pics taken early January posted Jan 19th. He's tagged them with stuff like "beautiful" and "I feel the same way".. tags he placed while at dinner with ME.

I'm done. Saw an attorney this past week and the marital settlement agreement is being drafted as I type. I will file this week. I can't wait.

Gaslighting: he had the nerve to call ME untrustworthy last night because I had changed my mind on whether to give him a tv or not.... unbelieveable..

A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. It's in their genes... File for divorce and save yourself more pain.
 
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