[disheartened]

Hi, I've been married for three years, and recently found out that my husband is cheating on me. First I found out that he had a second email account, which I was able to have access to due to the fact that he always uses the same password, I logged in to his account and saw that he is a member of quite a few dating sites, he has chatted to a lot of women from these sites, asking whether he could meet up with them. A month ago he met a woman on one of the sites, they were sending emails to each other, then they started texting each other every day, I was shocked to find out this, I confronted him, I told him that I had found out that he had met a woman on the dating site, he told me he hasn't physically met her and doesn't have feelings for her, he stopped sending texts to her even though she was still texting him.Yesterday I logged into his email account and found out that they were texting each other again, he wrote to her that his wife was giving him trouble so he had to be careful about contacting her, (they are using an online texting site, and the texts also show up in his email account) they were texting also about their meeting, and details about them sleeping together, my husband works a lot a way from home, staying nights in hotels.
I feel shocked, and I'm feeling betrayed and sad.I really don't know what to do, I have never been in this kind of situation before.

 

[Caribbean Man]

Sorry that this has happened to you.
But something tells me that you know what to do.
You have caught him numerous times cheating and lying.
So the question is what do YOU want to do ?
Do yo want to continue being disrespected by him, or are you prepared to do what it takes to get your self respect ,and possibly your marriage back ?

 

[cpacan]

So sorry you are here, it is quite shocking to learn that your spouse isn't the one you thought he was - which is clearly the case.

I will just give some brief initial thoughts - others will probably soon be here.

You caught him once, and he decided to continue and take his behaviour further underground. It further seems that he is the one initiating.

Do you you believe what he tells you? You shouldn't at this time. I think he takes you for granted and at the same time entitled to a bit on the side. How is your marriage? Anything there that he would want to escape from?

Do you want to stay with him or is this a dealbreaker to you? do you have kids?

Either way I think you should at least do the following (more to come soon, I am sure):

1. Collect and store your evidence in a place where he can't get his hands on it
2. Don't reveal your sources or how you found out! (since he will then probably take it further underground)
3. Tell him that you have been informed that he has inappropriate contact to another woman and refer to your last conversation where he promised to stop.
4. Get tested for STDs - make him do the same (you may go together)
5. Tell him that he obviously is not to be trusted and that your marriage for the time being has been suspended/is on probation. This will give you time to think. You may consider telling him to leave - I wish I had done so.
6. Look after yourself, eat, sleep, get support from someone close to you.

One you have decided what you want, further advice, thoughts and guidance can be given.

Take care of your self.

 

[warlock07]

Do you have kids ? Does you family stay close to you ? Do you have anyone local for support ?

 

[Ovid]

He is activly looking for affairs, and in one. There is no nicing him into behaving. You will need to stop this cold or this will continue on as long as you let it.

I don't know if you intend to stay with him or not but at this point it doesn't matter. The steps are the same in the beginning.

1. Tell him you know he is still cheating and that you will have nothing more to do with him. Tell him how bad he has hurt you.
2. File for divorce. (If he decides to behave later and you decide to take him back you can stop the divorce. Getting served will help bring reality home to him.)
3. Seperate your finances as much as you can.
4. Do the 180. Minimize all contact with him. Don't discuss anything personal with him. (This step is for you. It will help you emotionally detach. It may have a second benefit of causing him to snap out of the "fog".)
5. Don't count on getting him back. If he does come back take your time deciding if you want him or not. If he doesn't come back the steps abouve will minimize the time you have to deal with this.

These steps are hard but they are the best ones. Read all of the posts here. You will see that the BS that try to reason with their cheating spouse all get dragged through the mud. The more reasonable they are the worse the outcome. The BS that turn rabid and kick their cheating spouse to the curb always do better than the ones that don't.

I'm sorry you're here. You will get through this.

 

[The Middleman]

You are getting a lot of good advice here. Listen and follow it. Don't put up with his bullsh1t, especially if there are no kids involved. He's proven that he can't be trusted and you need to act accordingly. Don't be passive about it, take control of the situation.

 

[remorseful strayer]

He is activly looking for affairs, and in one. There is no nicing him into behaving. You will need to stop this cold or this will continue on as long as you let it.

I don't know if you intend to stay with him or not but at this point it doesn't matter. The steps are the same in the beginning.

1. Tell him you know he is still cheating and that you will have nothing more to do with him. Tell him how bad he has hurt you.
2. File for divorce. (If he decides to behave later and you decide to take him back you can stop the divorce. Getting served will help bring reality home to him.)
3. Seperate your finances as much as you can.
4. Do the 180. Minimize all contact with him. Don't discuss anything personal with him. (This step is for you. It will help you emotionally detach. It may have a second benefit of causing him to snap out of the "fog".)
5. Don't count on getting him back. If he does come back take your time deciding if you want him or not. If he doesn't come back the steps abouve will minimize the time you have to deal with this.

These steps are hard but they are the best ones. Read all of the posts here. You will see that the BS that try to reason with their cheating spouse all get dragged through the mud. The more reasonable they are the worse the outcome. The BS that turn rabid and kick their cheating spouse to the curb always do better than the ones that don't.

I'm sorry you're here. You will get through this.

You are getting good advice in this post and all others.

As someone who has strayed twice, IMO, filing for divorce is the most potent wake up call to someone who is straying.
My wife took me back after my first go 'round, and I think that enabled me to convince myself that she would forgive another transgression. She didn't and I am miserable, now.

 

[disheartened]

Thank you for your replies. I now have told him that I know about him sleeping with this woman, he didn't admit to it, or say he was sorry, the woman is still texting him but he hasn't replied, unless he has found some other way to reply to her that I don't know about. We don't have kids together, I don't have any family near by, no local support. I really want to stay with him but if I find out that he is continuing meeting with this woman, I don't know if I will be able to. I thought our marriage was great until I found out about him cheating, he says there is lack of intimacy in our marriage.