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Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support.

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for almost 8, and there have been a lot of trust issues throughout our marriage. Basically, my husband has lied from day 1. Literally. We have a 2 year-old daughter and I am 3 months pregnant with number 2. Two months ago, after I stumbled upon incriminating evidence, he confessed to a few betrayals from the time we were dating. He never came completely clean and claims to have “forgotten” what happened since it wasn’t important and he was drunk. He remembered a lot of irrelevant details, though, like who was there, what they said, drank and the setting, just not much about the women and what happened. Selective amnesia? His stories also changed a lot, and the more I pressed, the more he would confess, contradicting his initial story. It was like pulling teeth. He even pulled out a piece of paper to draw the whole thing out since he couldn’t keep the story straight. It was ridiculous. I never felt he came completely clean. But he reassured me over and over - while looking me straight in the eye - that he never cheated on me after we got married. I thought that was weird... so he respected a piece of paper but not me?

Our marriage is not a very healthy one, we went to counseling but that didnt work. He is an extremely passive-agressive nice guy who constantly acted out little revenges on me, agreed to do something and then would break his word, constantly threw me under the bus with his parents and friends, never talked to me about whatever issues he had with me, etc etc. Too much stuff to list here. I did my best these last 8 years, trying as hard as I could to rebuild trust and have a real marriage. I am not perfect and am aware of my contributions to this mess.
We went for a 2-year dry spell starting when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with our first, initiated by him. I always tried to talk about it and ask him to work with me to re-establish our sex life. He would blame for not wanting sex and that was the end of it. He never did anything about it. Just recently he confessed it wasn’t my fault, and that he would just resort to porn and masturbation to “relieve himself” because he didn’t feel like doing “all the work” to have sex with me, which I guess meant my requests for foreplay and romance so we could re-establish our connection.

Yesterday I had to see my OB because of strange symptoms. Chlamydia was brought up as a possibility, but I am only getting tested tomorrow. On the car drive back home he mentioned using public toilets and how sometimes his penis would touch the toilet bowl. He was already trying to excuse himself. I have suspected my husband of cheating with prostitutes but he has always denied it. I told him if I tested positive for an STD, I would know he had cheated. He looked me straight in the eye and again said he never did, that I knew all there was to know. He looked guilty though and started researching chlamydia, saying that maybe he got something from his ex 10 years ago. He was trying hard to prove this was not something recent. I tested twice for chlamydia during my last pregnancy and both were negative, so there was no way he could’ve had it for 10 years and not given it to me. Plus, if he caught chlamydia, it's possible the whole family is HIV+ now. I will find out soon. I cannot believe this.

After putting my daughter down for her afternoon nap, he sat next to me on the couch and had the saddest look on his face. I braced myself. My heart was pounding and I thought I was not going to make it through whatever he had to say. For a second there I think I had an out of body experience just looking at his face. But confess he did. He saw a prostitute after one of our fights. At first he didn’t remember when, but later confessed it had been when I was pregnant. He said it was only once, the sex was horrible and the whole thing disgusting. He has said this before about prostitutes. I don’t believe that for a second. He’s lied so many times, I’m jaded. I think it was way more than once. And I think he also had a thing with a former co-worker, which he denies as well. He’s only confessed to dirty deeds after I shoved evidence in his face, and would only come clean as far as the evidence. Never did tell me the whole story about anything, or volunteer information. I shudder to imagine how many things I’ll never find evidence for and that I’ll never know.

A strange calm came over me. I guess I was in shock. He started bawling and threw up. I never involve other people in our issues, I respected him too much and felt too shamed, but this time I called my family and told them everything. I didn’t want to go through this alone. They were, of course, disgusted.
All he could say was “I’m sorry” in a really monotone voice. He asked me to forgive him, he asked me to try again. He said he was happier with me now (WTF??). He said we were making progress and getting to a better place.

He left last evening. I worry about him and am entertaining calling his parents to come out here to support him during this time. I don’t hate him. I am just really sad he made the choices he did and that he killed our dreams. I am grieving, but I think I’ve already been grieving for a long time. I feel sorry for him because I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now. He’ll have to carry this for the rest of his life. I also don’t blame myself for any of this and for not believing my gut. He led me on, he deceived me. He did this, not me.

I intend to divorce. I am doing ok, but I’m scared this will hit me strong tomorrow or next week. I’m hoping it doesn’t break me. I’ve been entertaining divorce for soooooo long now, but always had so many doubts, always thought maybe it was me and I couldn’t let a marriage end over my own issues. Now it just seems like the right thing to do and, in a way, I’m relieved to have a clean way out.

Right now I do think we’ll be able to forge a semi-decent co-parenting relationship. Despite all he has done, he is an above average father and has pretty good qualities as a human being. Just not as a husband. Or maybe I’m just in a haze and the anger will hit me full-force in a bit. I guess I need some support and to know what to expect, as well as tips to remain strong.
Thank you all for reading.
 

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If you knew he lied from the start why on EARTH did you marry him? And have kids??

Ask him to take a polygraph test, see his reaction.

Also, I think he is a serial cheater and you'll never be able to trust him.
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Discussion Starter #3
I only recently found out about these lies. Whenever I suspected something, he was really good about turning it around on me and convincing me I was crazy and jealous. I just recently found out I am none of those things.
 

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Not only is he putting you at risk, he's putting your unborn baby at risk as well! Unfrickenbeliebable! He is so freaking disgusting! I can't imagine an unborn baby coming out with a permanent std because of their extremely selfish father.

I'm so very sorry. His excuses are extremely lame to boot. Also, I want to add that he's a serial cheater and will never stop cheating. He will continue to lie to you or any woman he's with.
 

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His reasoning is that he was angry at me and thus saw a prostitute once, as revenge. He is accepting full blame and seems digusted with himself. It doesn't matter.

I think I was so mentally abused that I just don't know which way is up anymore. I can't seem to get angry, but maybe this is a defense mechanism. I feel sorry for him. What is wrong with me?
 

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Everyone, and I do mean everyone, thinks he's the greatest guy in the world and that I am unstable, thanks to him.
 

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That's because he's talking himself up and talking you into the ground. He's doing this as an ego boost.:/

This guy is a creep. Under no circumstance should there ever be an affair. There is nothing that can justify messing around on your spouse.

I'm wondering if your in the beginnings of emotionally detaching yourself from him, which you should. He has zero respect for any women. He's a liar and a cheater that should never be forgiven. His actions are absolutely appalling. He will blame the failing marriage on you I bet. This is what happens most of the time. It looks like it truly is happening by others seeing him as this "great guy". Ugh, I'm so sorry.

My ex h tried running me into the ground like this. He had several partners during our marriage. One woman moved in 3 days after I left. They are together today and he's had several affairs on her these past 19 years. She allows them to happen.
 

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I have a reputation of being very pro reconciliation. But I am not sure if reconciliation is either possible or desirable in this case. So sorry you are here. :(
MattMatt, I don't think it's possible or desirable either. I am just scared this will tear me apart in a bit. I am too calm.
 

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wow, what a scumbag. Don't feel bad about believing him - guys like that are master manipulators

but you don't get chlamydia from your knob touching a toilet seat and you know it

you have to think of yourself and your kids - if you stay with this guy you'll never be able to trust him and you'll look back on your life and wonder why you spent so much of it on a lying cheat who has no respect for you

lawyer up
 

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you will be fine.....stay strong......you have been put to test by life.....stay strong...overcome it with patience.....

And instead of tellig yourself that you will break as you are calm;tell yourself that you will overcome this situation happy and peaceful in thenend;;;;;;positive affirmations;;;;

You are in my prayers;;;;take care;;
 

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The calm you feel now is probably resolution, and, yes, you will likely experience something of a roller coaster of emotions as you detach further from your H. I hope you won't let that dissuade you. Your H has lied and lied and lied again. He will lie to you with the last words he speaks to you, either in divorce court or on his deathbed, whichever comes first.

Deceitful people really wear you out. After a while, their antics stop twisting your life around. You just want them to leave you alone, to go sell their wares somewhere else.

As for his convincing others that he is a great guy - he'll get his. Most people eventually see through this. I hope it won't stop you from acting in your own best interests.
 

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It's just insane to believe this is who he is. He had me and everyone else completely fooled. I remember him saying to me: "I would never lay a hand on another woman, no matter how gorgeous or if she really came on to me. I'm not like other men, I'm totally trustworthy". Even his friends would come reassure me of his trustworthiness after he complained to them of my jealousy. I was jealous for a reason, obviously. But he made me believe it was my issue and had nothing to do with him.

Major cognitive dissonance here.
 

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This kind of very convincing lying is common apparently. Just keep reading here & you will see how sadly typical your H's behavior is for someone who wants his cake and eat it, too.

I bet if he were to be honest for a change and try to explain why he wants you and his family, but at the same time is betraying you with other women, he would be struck dumb. I'll bet the farm that he has no rational idea why he wants you in his life when he is clearly so interested in cheating. They want what they want & that's the only answer there is. And he will lie forever in order to get what he wants.

Again, I hope you won't feel pressure to stay because he's managed to hoodwink everyone else about his cr*ppy character.
 

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This kind of very convincing lying is common apparently. Just keep reading here & you will see how sadly typical your H's behavior is for someone who wants his cake and eat it, too.

I bet if he were to be honest for a change and try to explain why he wants you and his family, but at the same time is betraying you with other women, he would be struck dumb. I'll bet the farm that he has no rational idea why he wants you in his life when he is clearly so interested in cheating. They want what they want & that's the only answer there is. And he will lie forever in order to get what he wants.

Again, I hope you won't feel pressure to stay because he's managed to hoodwink everyone else about his cr*ppy character.
I always asked him why he wanted to be with me. He says cause he loves me. I ask him what he loves about me, and he really squirms in his seat with that question. The best he can come up with is "you're authentic". Our therapist asked him the same question and he couldn't answer either. Now, if I ask him to list the things he DOESN'T like about me, he could write a book on the spot. Easily.

This is all so strange to me. I can't relate at all. I can't believe someone can be like this. If he was unhappy or unsure... then why? Why stay and not actively work to change things? Why do this? Why lie and betray and then blame me and try to make me work harder to be worthy of his love? Why badmouth me to friends and family but not once try to solve things WITH ME? Why did he need so many allies against me? Is he a psychopath? Why in the world do I feel sorry for him and still empathize with his pain despite everything he did? Am I insane?

God, I was always SO transparent. I had this immense need to share everything with him.

I made an appointment with our former marriage therapist. Hopefully she can help me screw my head back right.
 

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From your original post, it sounds like he's been acting out passive aggressively throughout your relationship. People like this will always badmouth you, subvert you, and self-justify. It just kind of is what it is.

If I were you, I would cut my losses now. If you don't, you will have a lifetime of pain and betrayal. And who wants to always be portrayed as the bad guy in the drama? Life is too short to spend it that way.
 

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Yes, he is passive-agressive. I asked him to see a therapist a couple of months ago so he could work on his issues, which he agreed to do. He did admit to having strong passive-agressive tendencies. Long story short, after a couple of sessions, his therapist told him I was abusive and urged him to divorce me. His issues were never even broached. I can only imagine how monstrous he makes me sound to people.
 

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Yes, he is passive-agressive. I asked him to see a therapist a couple of months ago so he could work on his issues, which he agreed to do. He did admit to having strong passive-agressive tendencies. Long story short, after a couple of sessions, his therapist told him I was abusive and urged him to divorce me. His issues were never even broached. I can only imagine how monstrous he makes me sound to people.
Time to cut your losses.
 
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