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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, I wanted to tell my story of surviving infidelity. After two months of trying to understand, why my husband cheated. And what kind of mistakes I made for this to happen. Here goes...

My husband and I have known each other for 15 years. We were friends at school. He’s been in love with me since he was 16 years old. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact as the years passed by. By coincidence, we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married.
After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year. (This was his idea).
The last couple of months were tough with the lockdown. Our company had to shut down for two months, his sister getting married and the whole family getting crazy about this special event. We fought a lot. He was never home. Always working or helping his sister planning her special day. He didn’t have any time for his child or me. I ranted a lot, and I mean a lot.

At the beginning of September, the wedding had finally taken place. I’m a photographer and took the pictures, and we were off for a two week holiday. He was in a good mood, making plans for the following days. We were planning to visit the zoo when he gave me his mobile phone to look for the opening hours.
Don’t ask me why, but instead of looking for those hours, I looked at his text messages. What I saw was a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as I’ve never been kissed before. I couldn’t breathe. I threw the phone at him and ran away.
When I came home, he told me she was one of his driver’s students. You have to know we live in a different country, where you have a driving school, with a driving instructor who shows you how to drive a car in about 2-6 months.

She’s seventeen (which is legal age in our country, if her parents agree with it). He is thirty. They have seen each other privately for the last few weeks, and he’s in love with her, but she’s not the reason he’s leaving me. He told me he’s been thinking about leaving me for about nine months because I make his life living hell. I was speechless. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would cheat on me. I tried to reason with him. I asked him what have I done to make him feel like I made his life a living hell.
He didn’t have answers for me. He just wanted out. After a lot of talking, that didn’t help me figure this out at all. We decided on a three-week break because he didn’t know what he wanted. We decided on marriage counseling.

The summary of these three weeks is: He canceled the marriage counseling, and I went on my own. He didn’t feel “ready.” I kept on working in his office. He kept on playing hot and cold with me. He kept on telling me that his feelings for me seemed to vanish from day to day, and his feelings for her grew.

On the last day of those three weeks, we sat in the office drinking coffee, and I asked him if he’d seen her since. What he told me made me dizzy. He had continued to meet her during those three weeks frequently, and he had sex with her the night before in our office, where he has slept since he moved out.
I got up and started to pack everything that belonged to me from the office. First, he was furious, then he left me to my things and came back two hours later. When he saw me packing our son’s playthings, he started to cry. I went to him, trying to talk to him. He told me it was all too much for him.
I told him that I could understand what he was doing. That he felt free with her. No responsibility for his wife and child. No problems. I mean, she is seventeen. She probably adores him, makes him feel special. While I only tell him what we have to do next to keep our business running, listen to his every word.
Afterward, he didn’t say anything. I got up and tried to leave the office. He followed me and held me back. What followed was him begging me to have sex with him one last time.
He said things like, of course, I miss you, I don’t want to admit it to myself, and I love you, but not as much as in the beginning. Let’s have sex, and then we’ll see where this leaves us. We didn’t. I left.

Afterwards I found out that this girl has been in his family’s home weeks before his sister’s wedding. I found out that my husband badmouthed me to his mother the whole time while meeting the other girl. I found out that he wanted to wait until after the wedding to end things with me because I’m a photographer and was booked to take the pictures at the wedding.

I got a lawyer. He got a lawyer. Everything is running its course.

The counselor called him one day and asked if he was willing to meet him. He agreed. He talked to him for two hours, and they decided on a second meeting with me joining in. That meeting was my absolute highlight. It went on for four hours!
My husband told me five times that he was done with me and our relationship and that he was looking forward to us being best friends after our divorce. He finally had the courage to tell me all the reasons why he didn’t want me anymore, always adding that Kathrina wasn’t the reason.
These are the reasons why I’m making his life living hell:
I’m too dominant concerning his business.
I’m calling my parents once a day to ask how they are.
I’m a daddy’s girl.
I can’t admit mistakes.
I rant too much.
I’m thinking too economical, always saving money instead of spending it.

That’s about it. He always seemed happy. He never fought with me. We had a good life. He never said a single thing about any of those reasons he now pointed out.
We decided on another meeting... where I would be able to tell him things that I didn't like in our relationship. Even-though he told the counselor four times he was done with me. Doesn't love me anymore etc. He was kinda talked into another meeting by the counselor.
The counselor told us we shouldn't see or hear from each other for the next two weeks. (Only exception if it's about our boy). We both agreed and I actually felt relieved. Unfortunately my husband wasn't able to keep his promise. I got a text message ever day... every time he picks up our son, he asked what I was doing today, who I was meeting, if there was another man in my life.

On Sunday things escalated. I went to pick up our son from him and told him to just give me our boy and his things and I'm off. He shouted at me, screamed at me in front of our kid. About totally stupid things, like when he was allowed to pick up his dvds. And he told me that people are asking him, what's gotten into me as I'm running around like a *****. Don't ask me what has gotten into him. I am a hundred percent sure, that no one has said such a thing to him. I wear normal clothes. He is jealous cause he realizes me slipping away from him. And people have found out he's having a relationship with a 17 year old girl... which he wanted to keep under the rug.

Two months I've tried to understand him, tried to make this work in whatever way. But after this conversation I was finally done. I told him, that I don’t want any contact with him anymore. That I don’t want to see him, hear from him, or read messages. Only exception is if it is about our child. I cancelled marriage consolation.
And I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, he couldn’t accept it at first and has tried to reason with me, telling me that he thinks it would be good for us to keep on going to marriage counseling. And how sad he is that all of this is happening right now.

For a second, I thought about this being the right or wrong decision, not going to counseling anymore, now that he seems to want to. But I know now that this is only a way for him to bind me to him again. He hasn’t and won’t change. He’s still with the teenager and only wants me as his other option if this doesn’t work out in the end.
I told him: “I am not sad, that all of this is happening. I am sad, that you gave up on our family. I tried everything I could. But now I’m done. This is on you and I’m working on my life now without you.”

I haven’t heard from him since.
 

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While he’s still seeing his girlfriend any counselling is a complete waste of time. He’s just using delaying tactics, trying to save face because of the young girl he’s been cheating with.
You should expose him to everyone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I already did. He's not that happy about it and is trying to tell everyone that we've been separated for months and he met her later... and she's 21. Which is a complete lie.
 

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I know this must seem bizarre and otherworldly to you, but he is actually following the script right out of The Cheater’s Handbook to the letter.
It’s downright surprising how similar they all act.

Everything from rewriting history in saying he’s been unhappy for long time to stonewalling the counseling to being hypercritical of you to the rages to using the separation time to hook up with and further the relationship with the girl - it’s all in the script. Everything.

And you feeling a sense of freedom and relief once you separated yourself from the crazy is also pretty par for the course. Continue to do so.

The best thing you can do at this point is to protect your assets, get as far away from the crazy as you can and make a good life for yourself as you leave him behind in the scrap heap he is making of his own life. Don’t let him make a scrap heap of yours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I know this must seem bizarre and otherworldly to you, but he is actually following the script right out of The Cheater’s Handbook to the letter.
It’s downright surprising how similar they all act.

Everything from rewriting history in saying he’s been unhappy for long time to stonewalling the counseling to being hypercritical of you to the rages to using the separation time to hook up with and further the relationship with the girl - it’s all in the script. Everything.

And you feeling a sense of freedom and relief once you separated yourself from the crazy is also pretty par for the course. Continue to do so.

The best thing you can do at this point is to protect your assets, get as far away from the crazy as you can and make a good life for yourself as you leave him behind in the scrap heap he is making of his own life. Don’t let him make a scrap heap of yours.
Really? I have to say, that I have never had to deal with anything like this. Not even in my circle of friends, family whatever. So what's next for me and him in line?
I'm going to stay as far away from him, as I can. I don't have that "longing" to write or talk to him anymore. That's new for me. And if I take a look at my future it doesn't look as dark anymore than it did in the last few weeks. That's something isn't it? ;)

I often ask myself if I could have done anything different. Especially since the moment I found out. My friends and family would have thrown him out right away. I wasn't ready then.
 

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So, don't beat yourself up about this -- it 100% his fault that he cheated -- and he did it why? Because he's a cheater. Sometimes that's all you will ever be able to know. You didn't do anything to cause him to cheat with a 17 year old.

Oldshirt is right -- what he is doing/acting is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Read more here and you will see. He's nothing special in this regard. Just a run of the mill cheater.

You weren't ready then to throw him out, but you are NOW, and that is what is important. Everyone processes things at their own speed, NOT at the speed of family, friends, or Internet chat folks!
 

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I often ask myself if I could have done anything different. Especially since the moment I found out. My friends and family would have thrown him out right away. I wasn't ready then.
Believe me Mara.May, we all question things when this happens and second guess our past choices and behavior.
I think it helps us grow and be better in the future, but don't put too much emphasis on it as you were not the cause of his behavior.
Good luck to you.
 

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He’s totally lied to you about everything. The reason he no longer has feelings for you is 100% because he chose to give his emotions to the kid. Rest assured this will come back to bite him in the ass and I would bet my next 10 years salary that he will idiotically beg for another chance with you one day. It will deeply hurt him when he sees you with another man, particularly when the kid he’s with changes her mind once she’s dealing with him on a regular basis and their relationship isn’t strictly about sex.
At least you have found out with enough time to restart your life and likely find a man that treasures you. I’m sorry you married a loser.
 

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He relates to the teenager--doesn't have to be an adult. He has been grooming her for some time. She was two when y'all met. Wanting sex one last time with you is insulting--he keeps trying to make you a w----. Please do NOT EVER considering his return. Do not let what others think influence you. Do let them know the truth.

You sound like a strong woman which I admire, but some folks do not. Find someone who does!

BTW: I do not see ranting as a successful ploy.
 

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Yes, the sex with her “one last time” pretty much proves what a narcissistic bastard OP’s husband is. Total lack of empathy. It’s unimaginable that he would think she’d want to have sex with him, knowing that he’s been banging another woman and has told her he has zero feelings for her. He can’t see that she now finds him disgusting, because he has his own delusions of grandeur like every other narcissist. He sounds like a real sad excuse for a person.
 

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Also, it might not be statutory rape where you live, but I would not want my 17 year old being with a married 30 year old father. Her parents may be pissed... His should be ashamed for promoting this!
Did I understand correctly that she is his student (driving)? The power differential ramifications would lead to job loss here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
So, don't beat yourself up about this -- it 100% his fault that he cheated -- and he did it why? Because he's a cheater. Sometimes that's all you will ever be able to know. You didn't do anything to cause him to cheat with a 17 year old.

Oldshirt is right -- what he is doing/acting is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Read more here and you will see. He's nothing special in this regard. Just a run of the mill cheater.

You weren't ready the to throw him out, but you are NOW, and that is what is important. Everyone processes things at their own speed, NOT at the speed of family, friends, or Internet chat folks!
Don't laugh at me... is there really a book about "Cheaters" to read about this? Or is it just a saying? 🙈
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
He’s totally lied to you about everything. The reason he no longer has feelings for you is 100% because he chose to give his emotions to the kid. Rest assured this will come back to bite him in the ass and I would bet my next 10 years salary that he will idiotically beg for another chance with you one day. It will deeply hurt him when he sees you with another man, particularly when the kid he’s with changes her mind once she’s dealing with him on a regular basis and their relationship isn’t strictly about sex.
At least you have found out with enough time to restart your life and likely find a man that treasures you. I’m sorry you married a loser.
I actually agree with you on this... sometimes I noticed his "love for me" steps to the surface while we talked... and the second he noticed he shut down and accused me of something bad or told me how happy he is with her... or what he's doing with her. Don't get me wrong. I don't want that cheating lying man back. But it makes me smile if I think about him having to struggle with his feelings.

And I wouldn't bet on him begging me to give him a chance one day. He's too stubborn for this. But if he really did one day, I hope I can shut the door in his face!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Also, it might not be statutory rape where you live, but I would not want my 17 year old being with a married 30 year old father. Her parents may be pissed... His should be ashamed for promoting this!
Did I understand correctly that she is his student (driving)? The power differential ramifications would lead to job loss here.
You understood correctly. She was his student while he fell in love with her. But as his parents own the driving school, there won't be any consequences for him. My in-laws... at least my mother in law knew about the affaire. They just didn't say anything, cause they wanted to get this wedding of their daughter over without any complications.

After I found out about his cheating I continued to work in their office for a few weeks. My mother-in-law told me to keep on fighting for my husband. That it wasn't anything serious with him and this girl. In the end I found out, that this girl stayed overnight with him in my in-laws home (same room my office table stands) and she lied right into my face.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yeah, I'd make sure her parents know about this...
They know! He's been in their home... her mother is alright with it. The father only said: So you are the man that has a wife and kid at home... I can't do anything about this relationship but if my daughter's grades get bad at school it's over.

I was speechless when I heard this.
 

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Wow, lies lies and more lies. What a scum bag. Claiming that none of this was because he has a 17 year old lover. You have done the right thing. His adoring teenage lover will get fed up with him eventually, and move on to someone of her own age who has no baggage and no child to support.
Be the best mum you can and I hope you will eventuially meet a good faithful man.
 

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They know! He's been in their home... her mother is alright with it. The father only said: So you are the man that has a wife and kid at home... I can't do anything about this relationship but if my daughter's grades get bad at school it's over.

I was speechless when I heard this.
Sometimes parents astound me. Mind you they have probably told them a load of lies about how he had been separated for months before they met etc etc.
 

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Don't laugh at me... is there really a book about "Cheaters" to read about this? Or is it just a saying? 🙈
No, there isn't a "cheaters handbook" -- it's just that the same things are done when someone is caught cheating, the same sets of excuses, the same patterns of behavior on the part of the cheater, that it's just referred to that way.
 
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