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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So My husband cheated on me a month ago.:mad: and I'm mad about it. But I want to work it out. I'm confused:scratchhead: and he doesn't understand. I will admit that my emotions with him are all over the place:confused:. I'll be okay with him all day and the slightest reminder of what he did and how he lied about it makes me so angry that it just takes us back two steps.

The first month he was great, but now he's turning it into how he was the victim.

:mad:How it was my fault.

:mad:How I basically pushed him to do it.

By the way, (I honestly, did not know they had these places out here) but he went to get a massage at a place where he paid 85 bucks for sex. I heard a recording. His phone called me and left a voicemail for me. a gift if you will.

I'm always mad and I can see how that's annoying, but I don't want to let it go that fast and let him think its okay to do what he did. I am not ready to forgive.
 

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Your feelings right now are very normal. It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. He's trying to get you to just rug sweep what he did.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Also be sure to read the sticky thread for newbies in this forum.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
where's the sticky thread, do you mind posting a link?

and thanks, I'll look for the book, He wants me to get over it quick. He won't wait 2-5 years for me to get over it. It makes me even more angry that he's putting a rush on the "get over it" process.
 

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Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

You can tell him right now this wasn't trivial, it will take as long as it takes, and if he isn't willing to put 100% into his marriage, then you should file now, and start getting on with your life without him.

The choice to cheat was all his. All his, no matter what you did in the marriage. I'm sure you didn't put a gun to his head at the massage parlour. Did you play him the message? You are going to hear that in your head for a while, no matter what he does. He needs to own up to his failings and not try to shift the blame. You should go see a lawyer anyway, for a consultation, so that you have an accurate idea of what that option entails.

Sorry you are here.
 

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Hi, I have been going through your same problem and I'm very sorry. I did some digging and found out my H was doing the massage thing for years. Also visiting Strip Clubs weekly. Check his cell phone records you may be surprised how many times he has done this.

Don't buy into his crap that is it your fault. I saw a Therapist to help my deal with this and she said my H has a sex addiction and will blame me and make excuses for his behavior. He does not feel he did anything wrong and refuses to get help. So I have decided to file for a divorce.

He took my 10 year old daughter to Vegas for a basketball tournament my son was in. When they got home my daughter told me that her dad left to get food and was gone for 45 mins. but came back empty handed. She later told me about a bar in the hotel where the girls were on poles not wearing a lot of clothing. He casually mentioned having a "beer"and I was not happy he left her alone in the room. This was two years ago and started finding out more and more what was really going on.

I just wanted to share this so you open your eyes. I thought i had a good marriage and I thought the porn was not that big of a deal. But it lead to him needing more and losing all intimacy between us. All he wanted was a quick BJ and that was it. I am hopeful that someday I will meet a man with good morals who will appreciate me and give me the respect I deserve. You really need to look at how he treats you and are you getting the love and respect you deserve. We all deserve to be happy!
 

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Please read the Newbies thread - the link is in my signature.

So he got a sex massage that you heard via voicemail? Ha! That is CLASSIC.

You do know that this is not the only time he's done this, right?

If he isn't willing to accept the fact he messed up BIG TIME, kick his ass right out the damned door. DO NOT put up with him placing ANY blame on you.

If your marriage sucks, be willing to work on that with him if you want, but NEVER take any blame for HIM cheating.

You need to get tested for STD's pronto, and DO NOT have sex with him till he proves to you he's clean. Go with him for results or demand them in writing.

YOU get to call the shots, NOT HIM.

He also has to prove to you for the next however many years it takes that he is behaving himself. If he isn't willing to do this, boot him out.
 

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He got a happy ending massage....

BTW, it's not your fault, tell him to shut his trap and deal with it.

Be a man and take responsibility for his actions or you will take other actions to protect yourself from him.
 

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Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

You can tell him right now this wasn't trivial, it will take as long as it takes, and if he isn't willing to put 100% into his marriage, then you should file now, and start getting on with your life without him.

The choice to cheat was all his. All his, no matter what you did in the marriage. I'm sure you didn't put a gun to his head at the massage parlour. Did you play him the message? You are going to hear that in your head for a while, no matter what he does. He needs to own up to his failings and not try to shift the blame. You should go see a lawyer anyway, for a consultation, so that you have an accurate idea of what that option entails.

Sorry you are here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Not sure that I'd accuse him of doing it many times before. Because we share everything financially. I know where the money goes, and we don't spend that much time apart besides him working. He doens't go out with friends and I don't really either. Not because we don't want to, but just because it doens't happen and we would rather spend time at home. We have three kids. He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again. I know things were rough before this, but this is the first time that I've had questions for him that he couldn't answer and kept coming up with lies.

Since it happened though, he's changed dramatically. Like he is giving me no reason to think that he doens't want to make this work. Its only been a month, but that month has been the longest in years that he seems to want to be here... My thing is that my anger keeps "pushing" him away. and he wants me to get over it, move on, and be "happy".... I can't get over it like he wants me to. It feels fresh, and I can still hear it. and what bugs me about is that that day I told him that I wanted to go to watch a movie in the theatre with the kids, the money he wasted on the ***** prevented that.

He says he's embarrassed. He doesn't get angry like before, he's more attentive and loving... I know that he has to change if he wants to stay. BUt I gave him the option to keep doing that and he just dones't want to leave. We got married young, I dated more guys and he only had one girlfriend before we got married. And then my mom made us get married because I got pregnant. SHe gave us two weeks. I had no idea that I could say no. and he went with it because he wanted to be in our daughters life. for years though he had so much anger towards me because of how everything turned out and started, but now he doens't want to leave. he says that was how he got it out.

and he got checked out for STDs and was clean. it was one of those things that was noticed right away because he's so stupid that way.
 

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He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again.
Uh, pardon me?!?!?! He's been trying to cheat on you for years and you keep catching him?? WTF are you doing?!!! Why are you with this........this.......person? And I use the term loosely.

Have you read any of the links suggested above?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
No haven't read any links yet.

and yea I know it sounds bad, but since he never cheated before I would get mad and then we would be okay. When ever we had an arguement a few weeks later I'd find something. then he would go a year, and nothing, but then a big fight and a weeks later he was looking again. He's a hot head. Plain and simple. The slightest thing would piss him off and he'd blow up at anyone.

It's behavior that was being excused by everyone, because of how he was raised. He's mom and dad got divorced when he was like a year old and when he was 2 she didn't want him, kept the sister and he went to live with his dad, who bragged for years (when we first got together)that he knew what a thong was before his ABCs. He grew up around a lot of anger, lots of vulgar language, and around a man who prioritized his life according to how much he was into the woman he was with at the time. Its disgusting.

But, although my husband has tried to not be like him, its a habit thats hard because its whats he's seen growing up. That's why I've stuck around. Since he cheated and saw how angry I got and how disgusting he looks to me now, he's completely changed. He doens't like to be compared to his father. and he knows that I have no problem divorcing him, He thinks he's going to keep our son and our daughters because that's what happened to him, but clearly, I'm not like that.

I can't believe she did that to him, so I would NEVER let him have my son with out a fight.
 

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What do you mean, he never cheated?? He was looking for - actively looking for - sex with other women. You don't consider that cheating??

And really, you think that the one and only time he did actually get sexual satisfaction with another women he happened to butt dial your number? Uh, yeah, ok.

PLEASE read the links. You really do need to wake up here.
 

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"He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again."

So he is most likely a serial cheater, and this is most likely not the first time. The reason he wants you to get over it, is so he can continue doing what he has been doing the entire relationship. It is time for you to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.
 

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yes 12 yr old 7 yr old,,,and bang twins 16 months ago,,,thats when it started,,,it was a shock,,,i even got hemiplegic towards the end of my pregnancy,,im an md,,hes been an emotionally abusive person all along,,with ups n downs,,,punishes me all the time with his silent tretment for weeks unless i apologise and say im sorry,,controls all the financials and refused me to work,,im a doctor i tell you,,he blames it all on me,,,he does get physical or pushes me to the limit so i can push hime where he would chase me from room to room and laugh at me when im angry,,,when this happened he used to go out frequently and be late at night,,,and maybe drunk,,,hes not alcoholic,,and now after having tried sooo hard with all this haunting me,,,the first serious argument and he goes out and satys out till early hours,,,this isnt about to change ,,,i know i feel soo sad for myself and my kids,,,im 38yrs old,,,and will have my familys support,,also to add,,he viedotapes arguments,,and voice records our arguments too,,,continuously threats me to take the kids if i think of divorcing him,,,hes full of sssssssss,,,i know
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
No, I don't consider that cheating because it was stuff that I did too. It was never an EA, It was never something that we'd leave each other for. It was stuff we did cuz we were young. He was the first to cross that boundary though. and No. his butt didn't dial. I know for sure. I have my reasons. I'm saying it was a voicemail for a reason. I have access to everything he owns including money, and I don't work for money, I work at home. It sounds a lot worse to you guys because you werne't there and you don't know the situation. Yes, he did cheat, but my family was first and trying to fix us was a priority. When things are good they're great.

He and I have been unhappy for years, arguing over the little things. He held a lot against me and I held a lot against him. It was little grudges that grew and grew and just kept piling on more grudges till finally he broke. my anger comes from knowing and understanding how bad our relationship was, but I never took that step first. We grew up in broken families. I grew up in a family that was together but abusive and he grew up in a "not" together family that turned out to be just as abusive with time. He grew up alone basically. He sees it and he knows what he has to change, but its like my habits and your habits, they're a lot easier said than done to change.

My anger I think comes more from being the victim than from being the person who cheated. I've told him repeatedly since this happened, that I was in the same marriage as he and didn't cheat so its no excuse for what he did. and He understands, but doesn't know what its like to be in my shoes. He might someday, because things change.

As far as to call him a serial cheater, I personally wouldn't go that far, because like I said I've always known where he is, who he's with, how much he's spending, and blah blah blah.

I'm working it out with him right now because this is the first time he's crossed that boundary. We've been together for almost eight years next month. I've watched Dr. Phil, watch a lot actually, and there is one thing I can that I can agree with. WHen it comes to a divorce with children involved, its best to leave each other mutually and with no anger. I'm not at point where I'm ready to say good bye for good and neither is he, otherwise he wouldn't of had made a complete turn around. His cousin is like my best friend and knows everything, even she's noticed a huge difference in him. He is constantly reminding me how much he's sorry and how much he wants to be here.

I've made one thing clear to him. My father cheated on my mom from the moment she got pregnant with my sister till I was 14. I was 3 when my sister was born. That's a total of almost 12 years. First mistake, shame on him, second mistake shame on me. I completely understand that and he does too. I won't wait for him to change if he's a repeat offender. I'm trying to be forgiving and understanding of the situation (like I said, I was in the marriage and It wasn't a good one), but I'm not stupid.

I also spoke to some friends that were in relationships that ended up similarily and although still have their issues they're going on strong and their most important advice was to not make a decision based on anger. And that's why I'm here, the slightest reminder or memory of it ticks me off. They told me to wait it out and seek counsel before making that final decision.
 
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