[toskatoska]

With me.

He already has a child with his ex-girlfriend. It was a child he fought for, since his ex was on the fence of abortion at the time. He's paying child support and since he's military, it's not often we get to see his kid.

When I got married to him, I knew about all of this of course. But we also agreed that we wanted a big family with each other as well.

Lately, we've been talking about it, and he's changed his mind. He says he doesn't want anymore children, because "after the first one, nothing else matters." (And he said this while we've been talking, not fighting. He's military but he hasn't been deployed either.) He's insisting I go on birth control and won't touch me until I do, and he has become pro-choice if an "accident" does occurs with me. WTF?! That really hurts me. Although I'm not showing it, I'm getting crazy jealous and hurt because I feel like I'm not worthy to have his children, but his ex is. Also I'm pissed because we had plans together, that's why I wanted to marry him because of our future together but he's changed a part that means a lot to me.

When I took those vows I meant them. Til death do us part. Now I don't know what to do... Any help would be most appreciated, thank you.

 

[Mavash.]

This is an easy one. If this is a deal breaker then move on and find someone else who wants to have a child with you. If it's not then find some way to mourn the loss of a the child you will never have.

Whatever you do don't push, trick or expect him to change. Take his words at face value and make your decision based on that.

 

[turnera]

I would tell him you expect him to go to a MC with you to discuss it.

 

[Corpuswife]

I had this happen to a good friend. She was married for 8 years and preparing to have a child when her husband finely stated "I don't want to have kids." What? She was getting off the pill and talking about it and the whole time he didn't speak up....even prior to the marriage.

She divorced him promptly and moved on.

 

[turnera]

He was probably cheating.

 

[anotherguy]

ugh.

Unfortunately people change... if you want to put an ugly spin on it - you can call it 'bait and switch'. Bottom line though, is you want kids and he doesnt - big problem.

I think you are making a mistake by thinking that he believs that his ex deserves kids and you arent worthy. He has changed his mind on having MORE kids .. and now you need to figure out what to do, and also why the change.

You say you are 'hiding' your hurt... why? He has got to know that this is no small matter - and one that is likely a dealbreaker for many people - not just you. Some people want to have a family. Sounds like you talked about it before getting married - so what is the deal now with him?

I have to say - when my wife first wanted kids I wasnt really on board.. and I was slow to come around. The bottom line for me was that I couldnt even consider not allowing her that. I realized that simply... her desire, her right, to have kids after 10 years of marriage far FAR outweighed my little indecision on the matter. It was time to either have them or not. My point being (if I have one) he probably knows what a full embargo means. Im a bit baffled though he has a child already so not like he has cold feet as a first timer.

My inclination would be to bring the matter to a head and make sure you both understand where you both stand... and be prepared for some very frank discussion.. and yeah - think hard about if this is a deal breaker.

How old are you and how long have you been married?

 

[love my way]

Can I ask if anything good came out of this?

I am going through something similar.

My husband had 2 children to his first marriage. I expressed my yearning for children. He suggested we be married before having another one. Once married, he changed his mind (one week before final transfer of IVF). I have lived with 4 years of wanting things to be different and him changing his mind. Until today, he has not.

 

[daffodilly]

Can I ask if anything good came out of this?

I am going through something similar.

My husband had 2 children to his first marriage. I expressed my yearning for children. He suggested we be married before having another one. Once married, he changed his mind (one week before final transfer of IVF). I have lived with 4 years of wanting things to be different and him changing his mind. Until today, he has not.

And he won't. The only "good" that can come of this is that you accept that you won"t have children and find happiness in your marriage.

But if you really want children and can't be happy without them in your life, or you feel you will always resent/regret not having them (understandable)....then you need to end the marriage and find a partner who is like minded. But do not continue to make the mistake that he will change his mind. Sounds like he pulled a "bait and switch" on you.

 

[d4life]

This would have been something I would have left my DH over, especially early in the marriage. I always knew that I wanted children and if this had happened to me I would have tried counseling first to make 100 percent certain that he would not change his mind. If not, I would have moved on.

 

[Tikii]

You need to leave. You are obviously not happy, and he needs to be aware of that. If I were in your situation, I would not go on birth control, and I would make it clear that I wouldn't abort, and I would pack my things and leave. If he is going to try to force you to go on birth control, you can force him to sign divorce papers. You married with an agreement that you wanted children together, and he has broken that. It's not worth it, atleast for me it wouldn't be. If he loved you, he'd compromise.

Have you considered the possibility that he is cheating and doesn't want to have to pay child support to you if you happen to find out?

 

[EleGirl]

How long have you been married.

I agree that if you want children it's time to divorce him now before you lose more time for having a child.

 

[OhBlueOne]

I am new to the site and I am having the exact same issue. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We've been together for almost 10 years and best friends for over 20 years. I have a son from a previous marriage who is almost a teenager and who has been raising since he was 2 after the biological father (my ex-husband) abandoned us.
He has "promised" to start talking about having a baby together since before we got married. I expected that we would have some kind of game plan and make something happen soon. Last October we went on our family vacation and he told me at the time we would start when we returned home. Over a year later I am still waiting to "start."
This is the only thing we argue about nowadays and I am pushing 40 so I know the clock is ticking but he doesn't seem to get it.
I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him but this is a big deal for me.
Any advice would be most helpful. Thank you in advance.

 

[EleGirl]

The advice on here has been about the same to everyone. If you want children you need to leave the husband who does not want children.

Seems pretty clear.

 

[OhBlueOne]

I don't think it is clear...I don't want to leave. I want to work it out but I don't know how. Hence why I am here.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

The desire to have children is so deep for some women, it is not quenchable ...until satisfied... he was the deal changer here.

I would feel the same as you, deeply deeply hurt and ANGRY... You have every right to leave this marriage... he offered you false hope & broke your heart along with the dreams he promised to build with you.

Here is similar thread... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/50517-wife-wants-babies-i-dont.html

Some good replies in this thread to how -when 2 are at odds, it's just not going to work, it's like a Grand Canyon Divide.

 

[daffodilly]

I don't think it is clear...I don't want to leave. I want to work it out but I don't know how. Hence why I am here.

It will only work, with him, if you accept that you will NOT have children. Ever.

Because he has no intentions of having any with you, he is stalling until your age becomes a factor and it's no longer possible. Otherwise he would have started.

You can't convince him, and do not "accidentally" get pregnant....that's a guaranteed ticket to divorce anyway.

So it IS, in fact, clear....you may not like the advice, but ultimately this is what it comes down to. Either accept no other children in your life, or end the relationship for the possibility of finding someone who wants children.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I ran into this myself.

Divorced 1st husband over this issue. Told me he wanted children, couple years into marriage he came clean and admitted he didn't REALLY want any more (he had 2) he just kept 'hoping' he'd change his mind. That was the beginning of the end for our marriage. We divorced.

Husband #2 kept putting it off until we 'had enough money'...really, THAT POINT IN TIME never comes! Finally told him (as I was 39yo), 'Look, we're either going to have children or not; but we need to decide now. However, I'll tell you right now, if we don't have children the day WILL COME when I will NEVER forgive you.' We got pregnant immediately (I was 40yo when I had my child) and I have NEVER REGRETTED IT FOR A MINUTE. Being a mom was the ONE THING I really wanted out of life.

 

[ARF]

I watched a family member's marriage break up over the child issue. Ex-husband stated he wanted kids during dating and early in the marriage. When it came time to act upon it, he "changed his mind."

You are part of this process too. You have just as much say into what your desires are regarding your married life together. If a compromise can't be made than a decision has to be made.

If my wife changed her mind about children after that fact, that would likely be a deal breaker for me.

 

[scjp]

As a man, even I think that's horrible. A woman only has so many years for childbearing, and it takes time to find a new partner, then it might take time to concieve.

Jerking a woman around about something so serious is just evil.

My cousin went the other way. She married a man who got snipped in his 20s when he knew everything. They spent 10s of thousands trying to reverse it (and she was pushing 40), but no luck. They split afterwards.

 

[Wonderess]

A few years after we were together (married for 2, together 4 years prior) my husband told me he didn't think he wanted to have kids. He already had a daughter from a previous marriage. I was devastated, but we continued on. A few months later he came to me and excitedly told me we should have a baby. We got pregnant right away with twins!

Flash forward 4 years and he regrets the decision. We are separated and the biggest issue is the kids. He knew back then he didn't want any, but knew he would lose me, so he caved. He has tried with them, but it's a struggle.

If your husband does change his mind, please make sure it's for the right reasons. You can't convince him, he has to really want it.