[cwga4a]

This is my first time doing this, so I'll try not to share unnecessary info.

Over the past year or more my husband and I have been struggling. He admittedly has a drinking problem, but will not consider counseling b/c he says he can do it himself. So we go through phases of him not drinking at all for a few days and then he will drink almost every single night for weeks in a row. When he does drink he goes out to bars without me and will tell me he doesn't even want me to go if I offer. So of course I feel horrible, sad, alone, confused, etc. We fight about his drinking and his social life that I consider to be of a single person, not a married person.

Recently, in one of our many discussions about how to fix things, I begged him to just be brutally honest with me about how he felt. He finally opened up and said that while he loved me very much, he didn't like being married and didn't know if he still wanted to be. He said he thought his going out and drinking all the time was because of these feelings that he doesn't like having expectations, responsibilities, etc. of a husband. Then he dropped the bomb... He said that he had been thinking about it and he didn't think he wanted children. I was shocked because this was something we had talked about at length before we married 2 years ago (during our 3 years of dating) and we always agreed we would have children. He told me that when we talk about our future and saving money, he doesn't want to think about a family but travel and buying nice things.

The baby issue alone is HUGE for me because I know that I will always want children and would regret not having. On top of this, he says he needs time to clear his head and decide if he even wants to stay married.

I'm walking around like a zombie, not sure how to live in limbo while he decides if he wants a future, but on top of that not sure what I want to do if a future together means no children. Deep down I feel like the baby issue alone is a deal breaker, but I can't imagine not being with my husband. I love him so much. Advice???

 

[recent_cloud]

you say he says he drinks because he doesn't like the responsibilities of being a family man and husband.

i wouldn't be surprised to find out that it's the other way around: he doesn't like the responsibilities of being a family man and husband, nor does he want to have a child, because these things specifically interfere with his drinking.

respectfully, you shouldn't be thinking of having a child with an alcoholic.

maybe there's more to the story that will change my opinion, but based on what you've posted here, before any other decisions can be made, before your marriage can move forward, your husband needs to find sobriety.

 

[Shoto1984]

Maybe it's rude to be so blunt but....... run! Run, Run, Run. Just based on the little you've given us, the road you're on probably does not have a happy ending for you. This guy is your husband, you've invested several years of your life with him, you probably have much love for him but it's very unlikely that you're going to change him. It's also pretty unlikely that he's going to change into a better version of himself. Right now you can cut your losses, chalk it up to life experience and go find a man who wants a future more like the one you want.

 

[1nurse]

Your husband's moral character is flawed. He's not a very nice person. WHY would you want to stay with someone like this?? I know because you love him. Whoever coined the phrase love is blind was bang on. If you truly want a better life with someone who wants children cut your losses and move on. If he has been untruthful to you about the children issue what else is he holding back on? Sorry to say but you need to leave him. Just be glad you did before you did get pregnant.

 

[Blonddeee]

It's so much easier to leave now and find someone who wants the same thing. My ex had a drinking problem too and he was the one who wanted kids before I was ready... I held off on kids for a number of reasons, but if he's acting that way without the stress of kids, then he'd be worse after kids and you'd have to deal with him for the rest of your life if you end up leaving after having enough of his drinking. Leave now and find someone who doesn't have a drinking problem and also wants kids. Just imagine the nights alone you'd have with kids while he's out at the bar... don't do it... you can do better and you deserve better.

 

[snix11]

Having kids complicates everything. You need to decide whether it's more important to you to try and fix the marriage you are in, leave it now and find someone else or give up your idea of kids. Not an easy choice.

If you want to try and fix it, he will have to be on board 100%. Try the marriage fitness program. If it works, great, if not then you will know you tried everything you could to make it work.

Just my two cents

 

[cwga4a]

Just in response to the comments...

We've been married 2 years, together 5. And known each other another 10 years before that. So, I've certainly considered the "just a phase" issue, but in reality when I look back over the years we've been together there have been signs all along that, well I think because I loved him so much, I overlooked or ignored. Even on the kids issue. He's made comments before that he didn't want kids, but when I would ask him about it he would say he was just joking.

We aren't trying for babies right now and it's not that I even want babies in the next couple years necessarily. My concern is that if he says now he doesn't want children, do I invest two more years of life here just to have him still say he doesn't want children. And, as someone mentioned, the fact that he is an alcoholic and will likely always struggle with it, is that even a home to bring children in?

We have good times and sometimes we are the incredibly loving couple that people envy. Obviously we do or I wouldn't even consider staying. It's just that I remember being told that a healthy relationship is one that always has more happy than sad times, and in the past year or so the happy times have been few and far between. And if he isn't willing to consider counseling, can that really get better?

I wish I could be the woman mentioned in an earlier post who stuck with her husband throughout his alcoholism and even gave up having children. The reality is I think I would always resent that. Being a mother is something I've always dreamed of. And I want more than a life of just waiting quietly through bad times. Don't I deserve more? Is that just selfish?

 

[Earthmother1970]

For me, not wanting to have children would definitely be a deal breaker. I think I would feel so resentful eventually over not having had any children and it would become a great regret.

As far as his drinking problem is concerned, I do feel that he really needs outside help in the form of AA. For him to say he is capable of dealing with the problem himself is nothing more than denial. He has a problem - he should get help to fix it, but you can not force him to help himself. It is something which he must chose to do.

So no, I do not think you are selfish for wanting to be a mother. Not in the least.

Just my 2 cents

 

[recent_cloud]

no you're not selfish and of course you deserve more. we all do.

the question is, what are you willing to do to get what you deserve, in this case a healthy relationship.

the odds weigh heavily against you getting what you want in this marriage mainly because 1) your husband is most likely an alcoholic, and alcoholism has a very high rate of recidivism and 2) even sober your husband may still not want children. and he's not going to know what he truly wants for quite some time because it takes a long time for most to not just quit drinking but reach true sobriety.

and your husband doesn't even yet know he can't do this himself.

it's time to make some very difficult decisions, i'm sorry to say, and i recommend you attend an al-anon meeting for some answers from people who have walked the path you are on.

 

[cwga4a]

Just a quick update. We had another conversation about his feelings on marriage. He again said marriage "ruined" everything for us. That he still loves me more than anything, but marriage makes him so unhappy the love isn't enough. He said he doesn't know if he's willing to work on things or not. I asked him what I could do to help things and he said that he didn't know. He just knows that I don't do anything to inspire him to change or be a better person. Not really sure how to feel about that except hurt. Every part of me wants to make this work, but there have to be some major changes. First of which - he can't be undecided about us. Am I right in feeling hopeless at even trying when he can't even decide if he loves me enough to try in the first place? I just feel like I've given of myself and given up so much already...

Thanks for all the advice from everyone. While none of it was the magical "it will all be just fine" or "don't worry, every husband is this way" that I secretly hoped for, your words and thoughts are still a comfort.

 

[xmyheart]

With all due respect, I think all signs are pointing to the exit sign. Your husband himself resents the marriage, how could you possibly stay married to someone who resents your marriage? Sounds like he just wants to keep on living the single life, and he definitely doesn't want anything getting between him and his drink.
Growing up, my father was an alcoholic. Nothing or noone could ever keep him away from his drink. Maybe for a couple of weeks, sure, but our life was full of empty promises. My parents still remain married but they have been living separate lives for the past 10+ years. My father never changed for anyone, not even for his own children.
You can't change an alcoholic. They have to WANT to change. They have to admit they have a problem, and they have to change for themselves. And you can't sit around waiting for him to want to change. You owe it to yourself to be happy.
Do it now while there are no children in the picture. Children definitely complicate matters. Leave him, you'll eventually find someone who wants the same future you do. All your husband wants is his next drink. That's all my dad wanted too. And still does.

 

[Jazzmin]

I'm dealing with the disagreement about having a baby with my spouse and came across your post. This was back in 2009 so I'm wondering if you have an update for us? What happened with your marriage?

 

[MWD]

Want the truth? He doesn't want the family responsibilities being it interferes with his drinking(and all the negative consequences from drinking).

-MWD