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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
A week ago I found out my husband has been "sexting" with someone he met online. They've been sending pictures, talking dirty and what not.. He says that it only happens when we are fighting and it's been going on for the past 6 months. They've never met in person and they never discuss any personal information. Everyone says I am overreacting because I am so upset to the point I am questioning our entire marriage.

What they don't know is that he was messaging with another man. He tells me that he isn't gay and that he loves me and only wants me. That he joined a swingers site out of morbid curiousity and said man was the first person to give him any attention. He swears he was just looking for attention from anyone that would give it to him and he didn't really get off to it.

I'm not naive so please don't think that I just all of the sudden believed him. I am skeptical about the entire thing but is it possible he's telling the truth and he really isn't gay? Or am I just kidding myself and I just need to realize he's denying his true self? He swears he's not attracted to other men but he could just be telling me what I want to hear to get me to stay. I want to believe him because I love him but I also don't want to be his crutch.
 

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If he is having sexual conversations with another man, that makes him at least bi-sexual. Hetrosexual men do not have that kind of interaction with other men. Definitively. He is either lying to you or in denial.

Anyone who tells you that you are overreacting or that it's no big deal are fools. It is a big deal. A very big deal. Your husband agreed when he married you that you would be the only one and he's telling you he only wants you, yet he is clearly lying because he has added someone else to his sex life beyond you. This is clear cut. You aren't crazy. Again - you are not overreacting.

Most people caught in this situation have already acted out in person. Of course you don't want to believe he has, but chances are that he has. If he is sexting with another man, he must have some experience to sex about, so it would make sense that things are much worse than what you have found so far. I know I'm just an internet stranger telling you this, but look at the facts and draw your conclusions as if you weren't hearing your husband trying to talk you out of thinking he's doing something damaging. He's trying everything he can to get you to believe him and rug sweep this whole mess. If you do that you will find yourself in a much worse situation very quickly.

Now is the time to set some very clearly boundaries and take some time to decide what you are going to do about your cheating husband. Please immediately stop having sex with him and if you can sleep in separate quarters, that would be ideal. He has lost his marriage privileges when he broke his vows and opened up the marriage. Make no mistake, you've been living in an open marriage without your knowledge or consent.
 

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No you are definitely NOT overreacting. This sort of thing is what you are supposed to do with your spouse and no one else. As well as that, going onto swingers sites is also damaging and harmful for a faithful marriage.
As for the story he told you about why he is doing this with a man, complete nonsense. No hetrosexual man would do that.
I too would be questioning the marriage, his idea of faithfulness and forsaking all others is very skewed.


Unless he admits that what he is doing is very wrong and stops it for good, I can't see how your marriage will work. Even then how can you trust him not to do it again?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I agree with everything said here and have said these things out loud. The person he was "sexting" with lives half way across the country and they've never met obviously. I'm the only person physically my husband has been with (he just lost his virginity 3 years ago at 30). He could be in denial, that I don't deny. I tried to think back to other signs because I've been sitting on this for a week and he must hide it really well.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
He's been admitting he was wrong for this entire week and has been looking for counselors to help address the issues at hand.. But my issues are, am I a cover-up? Or can we honestly get through this and he only be with me. Is it possible? But I will always wonder...
 

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He is definitely gay and sexting is definitely cheating

I'd call a lawyer and prepare to leave him.
 
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I deleted your other just one thread. Only one thread on a topic please.
 

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Even if this person he is sexting with is were a woman, it's wrong. It's a form of cheating.

Have you checked his phone and computer history going back even further? You might find that he has been doing this all along.

You say that he 'lost his virginity' 3 years ago at age 30. Does he have any kind of normal sex drive? If he does, it's highly unlikely that any young man with a normal sex drive will go with out sex until age 30. You might be his first woman. But what did he do before for sex? Porn? (does he use a lot of porn?) or men?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I checked his history and our laptop history and it didn't show anything that I wasn't already aware of or anything out of the ordinary. Meaning certain websites he reads, comics, etc..

I've known him (not dated) for a long time before we got married. He had a normal sex drive but he got off with porn but it was always girl and guy. Obviously he could've had a hidden life so I'm going by what I know but what I know growing up he wanted to wait till marriage to at least have sex but to release himself it was anime porn or guy/girl.
 

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I checked his history and our laptop history and it didn't show anything that I wasn't already aware of or anything out of the ordinary. Meaning certain websites he reads, comics, etc..

I've known him (not dated) for a long time before we got married. He had a normal sex drive but he got off with porn but it was always girl and guy. Obviously he could've had a hidden life so I'm going by what I know but what I know growing up he wanted to wait till marriage to at least have sex but to release himself it was anime porn or guy/girl.
A 30+ year old heterosexual guy does not just one day start sexting with a man. There must be a history of something between him and men. Something is not adding up.
 

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He just lost his virginity 3 years ago at 30). He could be in denial, that I don't deny. I tried to think back to other signs because I've been sitting on this for a week and he must hide it really well.
First time sex with a woman at age 30? Was he in jail? In a monks monastery?

That is an eye opener.

Eye, yai, yai !
..................................................................................................
He has sex issues. He does not know if he is the Pusher or the Pullee.

If nothing else, he is searching for his sexuality. At this point he sounds bi-sexual.

Not good, me thinks.
 

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The reason you are having a hard time wrapping your head around all this is because it doesn't make any sense. A hetrosexual man does not sex talk with another man. Sex talking between men makes it a homosexual relationship. He could be bisexual, but hetrosexual men don't do sexual things with other men. Doing sexual things between two people of the same sex makes it a homosexual relationship by definition. Anything he tells you otherwise is complete nonsense.

What boundaries have you set with him? Are you still having sex with him?

Do you have any children with him?

Are you dependant upon him financially?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Sex at 30 was because his family is super religious so he believed he wanted to wait for the one he married. Or he's confused.

You see my dilemma. I'm sure there's a past but he could've done a really good job of hiding it at the time. I wasn't with him 24/7 like we are now (well not 24/7 but you catch my drift). I can only go by what I know and seen.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
We have boundaries set. He sleeps on the couch, no sex, he has to go to counseling and we have 2 kids together.
No I'm not financially dependant on him.
 

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I was in this situation, I would put a keystroke tracker on his computer and cell phone without telling him. And I would put a GPS tracker on his car.

And then I would watch. I would just keep quiet and watch.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I already have the keystroke on the computer. He doesn't actually go on the laptop because it's mine. How do you put a keystroke on a phone?
Also I already track him going to and from work, it all matches up.
 

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He needs to find a therapist who understands sexual addiction. It is likely that is what his problem is. It's good that he is willing to seek therapy, as he needs someone who understands these issues that can work with him and help resolve whatever is going on. The sooner the better. He will likely have homework to do, which he should plan to spend probably an hour a day working through a workbook and reading.

Good that you have set some firm boundaries right away. Most people don't do that and it makes the problem worse.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I agree with others that even if this had happened with a woman it would be serious. The homosexual aspect add another layer to the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
He found a therapist that specializes in marriage/relationship but also sexual issues. It's a start.

I want to believe that maybe he's bi and he really was curious. I started to search the internet on how common this was and it said it was fairly common in men (not the cheating part). I could be rationalizing because it's all still fuzzy and confusing and overwhelming.
I might need to find an attorney.
 
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