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When it comes to disliking porn use, the best advice on this topic that I know of comes from Dan Savage.

Your husband pretends that he doesn't use porn, and you pretend to believe him. His part of the bargain is to make sure that you never have to "discover" that he does it except by accident - no leaving web pages open, cleaning his browser history, keeping his videos or magazines if he has any in a discreetly hidden location. Your part of the bargain is to not snoop unnecessarily to uncover the white lie.

In other words, agree to disagree, but respectfully.

All of this is predicated on having an otherwise healthy sex life with a willing partner who is able and attentive to your needs and not abusing porn. Because if you have that, then you have basically everything you could reasonably expect sexually out of a mate. The rest is just a difference of opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
Nice777guy, no I haven't. Although I doubt he'd ever let me catch him again. That's usually an error that's only made once
 

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The hiding it part and looking at other women on his phone are what would worry me too. He waited until he thought you had left the home and then got busy. Why did he lie to you about it in the first place?

While I don't think there is anything wrong with masturbation, but doing it to porn can detract from the marriage. Also sneaking around looking at porn and masturbating to it can affect the marriage in different ways.

I hope your husband is being honest about it now.

How do you feel about your sex life? If it is not what you would like, I would look deeper into the porn. Is he willing to be honest with you and tell you when he masturbates if you ask? Is he committing to not looking at porn? Do you believe him?
 

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I understand how you are feeling. My H has lied to me before breaking my trust and continues to do it on occasion. His reasoning is always the same- well I thought you would be mad if I did x,y, or z. He lies to avoid conflict. I do react strongly to things. It doesnt make it easier knowing that I am partially to blame. We have been to MC and discussed this issue amongst others and MC said he is a habitual liar and will without a doubt continue to use it as an "escape" from the marriage... she says it often is developed by having a parent that is very judgemental and overly strict while growing up- they lie to avoid consequences, punishment and judgement. She said if I was to continue in the marriage I have to except the fact that his behaviour will most likely continue.

Sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes I am ok knowing that its his issue and my happiness doesnt depend on him being 100% honest. Everyone lies. Some people lie more than others. I have done alot of reading on this. There are some good sites on line about "deception." Its a bit of an eyeopener.
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
Araucaria, the secrecy is a definite problem. It does concern me that porn may be why his drive is lower. But that can also just be because of time that has passed and work.

That's the problem. I can't tell anymore if he is honest or not. I just don't know anymore.
 

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Maybe it's not so much that you can't move forward, but that now you perpetually fear him lying to you again, which is understandable. I don't think all men are into porn, if they have good sex lives, and love their wives. I think that's a cultural narrative that we have come to accept. ''Everybody does it,'' sort of like what we said as kids, when we wanted our parents to accept something we were doing, that we know wasn't the best choice.

Porn viewing isn't abnormal, I don't think that, but it shouldn't be viewed as ''every man does this so get over it,'' either.

I think that it probably has more to do with his lying, though, if you can't get past it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
This is slightly off topic but a question for the men here.

The other day I was on the last day of my period but I gave him oral sex just for fun. We always shower before sex and I keep very clean and trimmed. Usually we keep things "even", but during he barely touched me anywhere and didn't let me take care of myself.

Now, I'm not saying that I always expect/need reciprocation, but it's kind of nice. I mean, if he's taking care of me I always get turned on and can't keep my hands off of him.

I'm probably just reading into things to much here . . .
 

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This is slightly off topic but a question for the men here.

The other day I was on the last day of my period but I gave him oral sex just for fun. We always shower before sex and I keep very clean and trimmed. Usually we keep things "even", but during he barely touched me anywhere and didn't let me take care of myself.

Now, I'm not saying that I always expect/need reciprocation, but it's kind of nice. I mean, if he's taking care of me I always get turned on and can't keep my hands off of him.

I'm probably just reading into things to much here . . .
What do you mean he didn't let you take care of yourself? And what are his reasons for not attending counseling? Sorry for the return volley of questions :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 ·
Stillfightingforus, that's alright. I mean I didn't get to orgasm.

He says counseling doesn't work and that you are only told what you want to hear.
 

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He didn't ''let'' you take care of yourself, and didn't want to please you? You don't have to listen to him, neon. ;)

I really feel sad for some of the relationship dynamics I read on here. They sound honestly abusive. (emotionally/mentally, if nothing else)
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
Deidre, I should have worded that differently, Trust me when I say that I do what I want regardless of what other say/think.

"let" was Poor choice of words. He simply didn't offer to pleasure me.
 

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Okay....

Ummm, first your husband does not sound like he has a PORN addiction. It sounds like he has a lack of respect for YOUR sexual needs or desires.

My husband if he whacks off a bunch porn or no porn it does AND WILL effect our sex life. When he does use porn chronically he becomes MORE selfish in the sac.

That said, I have too viewed his porn use as betrayal of trust and LIES and felt as you that he is an addict. Truth is I had unreasonable expectations to ban porn and equate it to betrayal. The betrayal is the lack of respect for how it impacts the sex life.

I dont think you will EVER get him to quit because truth is I dont think he is an addict.

Best I could do was have reasonable expectations and vice versa.
 

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Maybe it's not so much that you can't move forward, but that now you perpetually fear him lying to you again, which is understandable. I don't think all men are into porn, if they have good sex lives, and love their wives. I think that's a cultural narrative that we have come to accept. ''Everybody does it,'' sort of like what we said as kids, when we wanted our parents to accept something we were doing, that we know wasn't the best choice.

Porn viewing isn't abnormal, I don't think that, but it shouldn't be viewed as ''every man does this so get over it,'' either.

I think that it probably has more to do with his lying, though, if you can't get past it.
My husband used it at first because he didn't know that I was a willing partner any time he wanted. He felt "guilty" asking me for sex so much (in his mind.) He was also using it to avoid "needing" me, according to him.

Later he used it like someone uses alcohol or drugs, to avoid his own anxiety from work, feelings of inadequacy, children/marriage stress, etc.

He was a conflict avoider, but the conflict he was avoiding still got to him and he needed a release, and he thought masturbating to porn was a good release. Then he felt ashamed about his "secret" and so he needed to do it because of that stress...the cycle was self perpetuating.

Now he tries to be open about things, as much as he is able. No need for porn, or masturbation. It took him knowing I was going to leave him if he didn't get "real" with me and stop all the secret sh*t, whatever it was.

He likes himself better now.
 

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This is always such a difficult topic because of the opposing views on porn.

It is understandable how much the betrayal of trust hurts and it is unfortunate that your husband could not be honest with you from the very beginning about his interest in porn. Considering your aversion to it however, it is not surprising that he withheld this from you.

You say that he should have been honest about it in the beginning, but seriously, how would you have responded if he did OP?

I don't know how realistic it is to expect a spouse to cut off porn consumption. It's more likely that said spouse would simply hide their use. As a previous poster pointed out, this dynamic of men lying about their porn use is extremely common: https://fightthenewdrug.org/the-porn-gap-men-and-women-porn-patterns/

My guess is that these men are in similar situations like your husband. Perhaps it's best to confront the issue head on and do what you two should have done from the jump - be honest about the fact that he does use porn. Otherwise, risk feeling betrayed again in the future in the event you inadvertently stumble upon his porn use again.
 

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OP, you need to think hard about your feelings on this.

It is extremely unlikely he will stop masturbating, that is not something that is expected even in marriage. Given that he has been watching porn, I think it is very unlikely he will actually stop. Your attempts to forbid him to use porn will likely cause him to lie about it again, and once lies start, its easy for them to continue and spread.

In an ideal world people would never lie in marriage, but that requires an acceptance by both parties that the other may be a flawed human being (as we all are) but that they are loved anyway. There are still of course some things that most people won't tolerate, violence, drugs, cheating etc, but most minor failings will be tolerated.

If you do not want to be with a man who watches porn, the I think you need to divorce because that is where this will go. After all, if you catch him again, what are you going to do except divorce?


I don't know what he lied about in the past. If it was an affair, then it sounds like you have never reconciled on that (which is OK) but THAT is what you should divorce for, not the porn.


Realistically you can accept him as he is, divorce him, or assume that he will simply lie and hide things better the next time. There is nothing you can do to *force* him to stop masturbating and watching porn (or doing anything else hew wants to do).
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Araucaria, that's very interesting.

I don't think this profile fits my husband though since he definitely does not avoid conflict. He's very outspoken and direct.
 
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