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I probably should have mentioned that pornography is not something I will engage in and that is something my husband was aware of long before we were married.
That's okay that you're not into watching it, but if your husband likes to watch it occasionally, would you not allow him to do so? Is it the porn watching that bothers you, or just the fact that he was masturbating, or a combination of those 2 things?
 

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I consent to him masturbating if I can't fulfill his needs for some reason.
Well that is certainly a loaded way to "give consent".

You know masturbation isn't the same as sex right? That it is healthy and normal? That sometimes people just need a simple release without worrying about pleasing their partner or involving anyone else?

It sounds like the way you see it, the only reason it would be okay for him to masturbate, is if there is something WRONG.

Well of COURSE he isn't going to tell you he masturbates, if the only reason you allow him to do so is if you "can't fulfill his needs" - of course he would hide that.

Look, people masturbate, most people masturbate. I do just about daily. I don't need to hide it from my husband because he knows its normal and healthy, and doesn't mean something negative about him or our sex life.

Its just nice to have a private little thing to yourself sometimes.

I feel for your husband, I don't think there is any way for him to "win" here. Basically he has to never look at porn, and never masturbate, otherwise you would be personally offended.
 

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H., I understand what you are saying, truly.

The day we walked and talked we discussed much of what you and others have suggested. My reaction and if it made him want to hide porn from me, what he likes, if there is any way he isn't being satisfied, if he has always hid this from me, if he's addicted, if he's lied to me about other things, if he's unhappy, etc. We literally talked for half the day about everything and our feelings. I think it just comes down to trust and how I can trust fully again.

Ah, I understand. Yes, dishonesty between a couple is VERY painful. I speak from experience. I had an issue with my wife about three years ago. She lied to me about something... something important. It could have ended our marriage. It took a lot for me to forgive, but a trust broken makes you doubt, and wonder, when you don't WANT to doubt. You want to have complete trust in your mate.

For me, I had to sit my wife down and explain to her that it was NOT okay to hide anything from me, even if she thought it was to spare my feelings. It didn't happen right away... it took a couple of instances before she understood the need to be completely honest with me, but now she is, and our marriage is solid again. I won't lie; there are times now that I worry, times I wonder, because of what happened before. But she has kept her word with me and we have no secrets, and things are good. I'm sure you've told him this already, but it might take more than once for him to understand how important this is to you. Don't give up.


Yours,

H.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Nice777guy, consent isn't necessary but I am okay with it regardless.

The same old same old gets boring and he wanted a release. He was probably afraid to let you know what he does because of your strong feelings against porn. - This is conclusion is obvious and is something we previously discussed. Naturally, he denied being bored and said it was a moment of weakness.
 

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Speaking as a husband that is still madly in love and lust with his wife after 28 years of marriage, I can say that you should not confuse his looking at porn for a 'quick release' as being in any way linked to the way he feels about intimacy with you.

I've had a very high sex drive since I hit puberty; masturbation was a daily release for me... sometimes more than once a day. Sometime several times a day, when my desire were really strong. Once I got married, I thought this would change. I though surely intimacy with my wife would fill that desire and I would never masturbate again. I think that notion lasted about 6 months into our marriage, before I started again. I wanted sex daily, my wife did not. My wife is GORGEOUS, and I was walking around in a state of arousal with no relief... so I started back to taking care of myself now and then. But never did this interfere with my intimacy with my wife... and never did it lessen my desire for her.

Today porn is available everywhere... your phone, your tablet, your computer. It's -possible- your husband is looking at porn because he has a desire that cannot be filled within the bounds of a 'normal' marriage relationship. But it's also highly likely that he simply does it out of a habit that is very difficult to break, and a temptation that is constantly there. It doesn't mean he is being unfaithful. It doesn't necessarily mean -anything- in regards to how he feels about you.

I know, in my case, I love my wife with all my heart, and my desire for her is stronger than for any other person in the world. And she knows it. My two cents in regards to your situation; try talking to your husband about the porn, without being judgemental. Ask him what he likes about it. Ask him if there is something missing. Let him know your thoughts, and listen to his. Communication is the most important thing for a couple. He may be embarrassed and find it difficult to talk about, but he might also be relieved to be able to talk to you about it openly, and both of you might learn something about each other that will help the situation.


Yours,

H.
This here, is really well said, sir! :smthumbup:
 

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In order for someone to be 100% truthful and vulnerable to their partner, they need to feel safe to do so. Not be judged, taken the wrong way etc.

I see two choices for this man, never masturbate again (I know I wouldn't be able to do that!) or hide it from his wife.

OP - can you accept the fact that he may want to masturbate and that is not a reflection of you? That it has nothing to do with you? That sometimes people need a little privacy even if they are married? That touching one's self is totally natural and normal?

That your husband should't feel like it is wrong, or guilty, or that he has to hide the fact that he masturbates?

I wonder if the other things he kept in secret had the same kind of loaded no win situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
I shouldn'thave, you are misunderstanding.

I am obviously aware masturbation and sex are two completely differen't things. It's scientifically proven to be a healthy, normal, and positive act which I am not opposed to.

I would find it to be "wrong" if he was masturbating to avoid having sex on a regular basis.

There's nothing for my husband to "win". It's not an argument. My husband is a big boy. If he wanted to watch porn then I would have expected him to tell me this long ago when we discussed porn, sex, intimacy, etc. before we were even married.

But, he can lose my trust and the point here is that this was just one more way on top of many others he hurt my trust in him.
 

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I shouldn'thave, you are misunderstanding.

I am obviously aware masturbation and sex are two completely differen't things. It's scientifically proven to be a healthy, normal, and positive act which I am not opposed to.

I would find it to be "wrong" if he was masturbating to avoid having sex on a regular basis.

There's nothing for my husband to "win". It's not an argument. My husband is a big boy. If he wanted to watch porn then I would have expected him to tell me this long ago when we discussed porn, sex, intimacy, etc. before we were even married.

But, he can lose my trust and the point here is that this was just one more way on top of many others he hurt my trust in him.
To help you out with this, you may need to divulge what broke your trust earlier in the marriage. Also, if you're still dwelling over this months later, and are having trust issues, have you considered going to talk to a therapist? Maybe a couple counsellor for you and your husband so you can finally get over these trust issues once and for all?
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Ursula, we have discussed what broke my trust and I actually have visited the therapist. Unfortunately, these things haven't helped much for some reason. I suppose when you have been lied so many times over so many years the healing process can take a lot of time.
 

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Certainly there must be bigger issues at play here. Finding your husband fapping to porn in a tub shouldn't be traumatizing. Might be a little unexpected sure, but its not like the mind movies people talk about after walking in on their spouse banging another man/woman.
 

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Ursula, we have discussed what broke my trust and I actually have visited the therapist. Unfortunately, these things haven't helped much for some reason. I suppose when you have been lied so many times over so many years the healing process can take a lot of time.
I'll be honest - reading your thread, I am not convinced that the problem isn't really just as simple as you don't want him masturbating to porn. You didn't start a thread entitled "My husband has been so dishonest over the course of our marriage that I can no longer trust him". You started a thread "Husband Caught Masturbating to Pornography".

I really do get the feeling that you're back pedaling in the face of stiff resistance. Am I wrong?
 

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The trust issues you have may have set this off. I know W and I are going through lists of that right now. I’m still trying to stay in relationship and she says she’s in for the long haul. The trust thing has pretty much made me ambivalent to “us” after 30+ years...

The mastrubation thing is normal. It was morning you were leaving, sometimes men need release, it hurts if we don’t cum occasionally, I know in the morning I hurt, but don’t take things that far for other reasons. Get him a mastrubator for use if you’re not around. A picture book of you would be a nice thing also. My wife would never consent to any of that. You already made a video, pictures would be easy.

Good luck with the trust thing. It doesn’t sound like sex is the issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
I guess this just boils down to me needing to sit down and talk to him again but really I think he will just be dishonest again. So, that leads me to considering marital counseling which he won't agree to. He told me he wasn't lying because at that point he knew his dishonestly had dug him into a huge hole, but something just feels off . . . and I dont' know if it's must me or not. True, that that day he knew he hadnothing to lose and should just fess up to any lies he may have told but I think he's lied for so long that it's not so easy for him to come clean now.
 

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The trust issues you have may have set this off. I know W and I are going through lists of that right now. I’m still trying to stay in relationship and she says she’s in for the long haul. The trust thing has pretty much made me ambivalent to “us” after 30+ years...

The mastrubation thing is normal. It was morning you were leaving, sometimes men need release, it hurts if we don’t cum occasionally, I know in the morning I hurt, but don’t take things that far for other reasons. Get him a mastrubator for use if you’re not around. A picture book of you would be a nice thing also. My wife would never consent to any of that. You already made a video, pictures would be easy.

Good luck with the trust thing. It doesn’t sound like sex is the issue.
Woah, you actually did make that video? If my STBXW would have done something like that I'd be set for quite some time :)
 
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