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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I probably should have mentioned that pornography is not something I will engage in and that is something my husband was aware of long before we were married.
 

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There are lots of opinions on this - which I'm sure you will hear.

Does he often turn you down for sex? Do you often turn him down? When you do have sex does he try to please you? Is your sex life generally good and varied?

IMHO, porn and masturbation are OK if they are not interfering with a couple's sex life ,but a problem if they are. In particular I think that if one person on average has a higher sex drive, it is fine for them to masturbate and use porn to make up the difference. (sort of a "right of first refusal", if you turn someone down for sex, its OK for them to take care of themselves.

OTOH some people do get addicted to porn and start preferring it over sex with their partners. I see that as a huge problem.


As long as its legal, I have no concerns about what specific type of porn someone watches, it just fantasy.

Other people will disagree.
 

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Curious, why are you so emotionally destroyed by this?

What is it about porn that rocks you to your core and brings you to tears because your husband watched some?

Does it make you feel bad about yourself some how? If so, why? Why does it bother you so much?

I admit, personally, I have zero issue with it. I masturbate, my husband masturbates. Porn doesn't do much for me, so I don't use it, but I understand men are visual creatures and the vast majority indulge in porn from time to time.

It doesn't affect my feelings of self worth, nor how I feel about my husband, nor my perceptions on how he feels about me.

As for your husband, yes, I imagine he has always hid his porn viewing from you, because he knew you would have a strong reaction and it wasn't something he felt safe to tell you.

I think adults should be allowed to masturbate the way that they enjoy. Even in marriage, I think most people need to have a little bit of their life that is private to only them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Uhtred, I'm sure I will too, lol.

No, we don't typically turn each other down for sex. I would say our sex life is good and he does make efforts to please me as do I. I've even engaged in some acts that I do not personally enjoy but I know please him. So, I don't feel like the "right of refusal" has had to be applied.

I have wondered if he struggled with porn addiction since he does have what I would call an addictive personality. This leads me back to the main point of trust being broken. I can't stand lies and secrecy. This is why I can't seem to forget what he did. I"m worried I will be lied to again.
 

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So now you know that your husband, like most husbands, watches at least a little pornography.

Can you live with this? If no, why not? Because he isn't likely to stop, but only go underground. Your chance of finding another man who tells you he does not is high; your chance of find a many who really does not do this is not zero, but it's not exactly encouraging either.

If he's a good lover, treats you well, and meets all of the duties which you require of a husband, perhaps it's time to reassess your position.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I shouldnthave, I don't want to get hung up on this being strictly and issue of him possibly being addicted to porn. I have personal reasons for not approving of porn which my husband has been well aware of before we got married and knew my stance on. The issue I"m struggling more with is his dishonesty in our married. He's been dishonest about other things not relating to porn at all.

I don't have poor self-esteem so him watching it didn't make me feel bad about myself. It upset me that I caught him in yet another lie after we had just rebuilt trust. What might he be dishonest about next, you know?
 

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I can't stand lies and secrecy. This is why I can't seem to forget what he did. I"m worried I will be lied to again.
If you want to understand why he lied, look no further than your reaction.

I'm not saying you are necessarily wrong, it is your choice, but I have no doubt that he knew this.
 

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Speaking as a husband that is still madly in love and lust with his wife after 28 years of marriage, I can say that you should not confuse his looking at porn for a 'quick release' as being in any way linked to the way he feels about intimacy with you.

I've had a very high sex drive since I hit puberty; masturbation was a daily release for me... sometimes more than once a day. Sometime several times a day, when my desire were really strong. Once I got married, I thought this would change. I though surely intimacy with my wife would fill that desire and I would never masturbate again. I think that notion lasted about 6 months into our marriage, before I started again. I wanted sex daily, my wife did not. My wife is GORGEOUS, and I was walking around in a state of arousal with no relief... so I started back to taking care of myself now and then. But never did this interfere with my intimacy with my wife... and never did it lessen my desire for her.

Today porn is available everywhere... your phone, your tablet, your computer. It's -possible- your husband is looking at porn because he has a desire that cannot be filled within the bounds of a 'normal' marriage relationship. But it's also highly likely that he simply does it out of a habit that is very difficult to break, and a temptation that is constantly there. It doesn't mean he is being unfaithful. It doesn't necessarily mean -anything- in regards to how he feels about you.

I know, in my case, I love my wife with all my heart, and my desire for her is stronger than for any other person in the world. And she knows it. My two cents in regards to your situation; try talking to your husband about the porn, without being judgemental. Ask him what he likes about it. Ask him if there is something missing. Let him know your thoughts, and listen to his. Communication is the most important thing for a couple. He may be embarrassed and find it difficult to talk about, but he might also be relieved to be able to talk to you about it openly, and both of you might learn something about each other that will help the situation.


Yours,

H.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
H., I understand what you are saying, truly.

The day we walked and talked we discussed much of what you and others have suggested. My reaction and if it made him want to hide porn from me, what he likes, if there is any way he isn't being satisfied, if he has always hid this from me, if he's addicted, if he's lied to me about other things, if he's unhappy, etc. We literally talked for half the day about everything and our feelings. I think it just comes down to trust and how I can trust fully again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I forgave him for what he did but I just can't seem to move on. I love him very much so I want to find a way to heal from being so "emotionally destroyed". He doesn't know I still feel like this. I even asked him to make me a video of him masturbating so that I could "replace" the negative image I seem to have of him masturbating secretly
 

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Do you have reason to believe his is addicted to porn? If so, why have been the symptoms?

What were the other addictions he hid from you? Gambling? Drugs?

If its not about the porn, but the lying, why do you have nightmares about it while you have sex with him?

Do you consent to him masturbating in secret? Would that be okay with you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I shoulldn'thave, I found porn on the search history of our iPad years ago when we first got married and he had the job that kept him away a couple days at a time. I would say the symptoms were that his sex drive went from daily sex to once a week within a short span of time.

He didn't really have other addictions accept chew. He has kind of an obsessive personality where he will do one thing in particular constantly for months and then move on to something else. Hopefully that makes sense.

It is partially about the porn but i'd say more about lying. I assume the nightmare are a fear of him possibly lying again and because I never fully processed my strong emotions when I initially found out.

I consent to him masturbating if I can't fulfill his needs for some reason.
 

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Uhtred, I'm sure I will too, lol.

No, we don't typically turn each other down for sex. I would say our sex life is good and he does make efforts to please me as do I. I've even engaged in some acts that I do not personally enjoy but I know please him. So, I don't feel like the "right of refusal" has had to be applied.

I have wondered if he struggled with porn addiction since he does have what I would call an addictive personality. This leads me back to the main point of trust being broken. I can't stand lies and secrecy. This is why I can't seem to forget what he did. I"m worried I will be lied to again.
Did he actually lie? Or was he just being secretive?

Lots of men watch - few are going to advertise it. And you really don't need consent to masturbate - needs met or not.
 

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The same old same old gets boring and he wanted a release. He was probably afraid to let you know what he does because of your strong feelings against porn.
 
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