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@katcann88
You sound like an awesome lady and I like how you stand up for yourself. I think you may have the KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) syndrome though. As stated earlier you are not his parent and you certainly don't need to "rescue" him. You need to document his irresponsibility so when it comes time for custody arrangements you can prove why you should have full custody. This isn't to punish him or reward you it's what is best for your kids. If he is willing to endure the stuff he has endured he must be OK with it. I get the depression thing and that can really deflate any ambition, but they make plenty of meds that can take care of that. Maybe one last thing you do for him should be trying to get him back to his doctor if he refuses there's not much you can do. After that be done with the babysitting and let him sink or swim on his own. You obviously have the brains and the fortitude to do it just take that step.
 

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Right now, my reason for giving him a place to live is for the sake of my kids.
What a great excuse. Makes you sound so noble.

The "kid" excuse is what most spouses use when they're too paralyzed by fear to do anything positive about their untenable situations.
 

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Your not offending at all.
I honestly don't believe he is capable of getting his life together and can see him being the same as your ex.


I could never go back to loving him romantically, but I do still deeply care and haven't reached the point yet where I can sit back and let him suffer with his consequences without having a massive panic attack.

Someone earlier said something about him being the kind of person who ends up homeless.
My heart absolutely broke at that statement.

I know your right. I know all the commenters are right and that I need to stop all of it. But it's not just a switch that I can flip. As women, we see a need and it's in us to fill it. I cared for this man and gave my marriage everything I had for 10 years and not caring any more is going to be a process.
Been there, more or less. I didn't love my exH, but I did want him to get his life straight and be a decent father to my kids. Then I realized something I hadn't seen before. Children live what they learn and they are watching. They see, adsorb, and internalize far more than we give credit for.

Not only was our marriage a piss poor example of marriage, not only was my exH a piss poor example of male adulthood, not only was he a piss poor example of fatherhood, but managing him was taking time, energy, and resources away from my actual children.

It's not a switch to flip. It's behaving as if the switch has flipped because you realize that you cannot save him. You can't. Only he can and he won't even begin to think of saving himself as long as you're there doing it for him.

My exH was hanging off a cliff. So were myself and the kids. Guess who I saved?
 

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Do you think some counseling would get you over this emotional hump so to speak? To rid you of the feeling that you need to make sure your H will be ok?

I get where you're coming from. I do. I used to be like you in a previous relationship but it was to my own detriment. And that's an understatement.
 

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Discussion Starter #26
What a great excuse. Makes you sound so noble.

The "kid" excuse is what most spouses use when they're too paralyzed by fear to do anything positive about their untenable situations.
Everything about divorce is untenable.
Not sure what side of the fence your taking here, but every divorce has it's horror stories and it's the kids that suffer the most.
We are in the very beginning of our divorce and all studies show that the trauma of a broken home is something that stays with you long into adulthood.
Again, not sure what it is YOU think I should do but when we sat down to tell them about the divorce all they cared about was if dad moved away.
Without kids, this whole situation would be very different so while you sarcastically called it "nobel" I sincerely call it good parenting.

Now, as far as being paralyzed with fear? ***** please!
I don't NEED him for anything! I have been handling my life as a single parent for over a year, making incredibly positive improvements for my family and never came to a point that I had to ask for his help. My only fear has been his wellbeing and the safety of our boys while he maintains a relationship with them.
I never pretended to not care about him. As far as divorce goes, ours is very civil and no matter where he goes or what he does, I plan to keep it that way for the simple fact that I'm an adult and don't need to use hateful or hurtful tactics to move on with my life.

So whether you're saying that I'm keeping him around or making him leave out of fear. The answer is neither. I am throughly weighing the options and consequences and taking the physical and emotional health of all involved into consideration.

It's easy to sit on the outside and know what someone else should do and while I came here for constructive advice, belligerence won't accomplish anything
 

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Ok then, ancestral property is different from the standard equal ownership marriage.
You didn't state that detail in your post.
Just kick him aaall the way out....out into the world. He is an adult.
He can sink or swim on his own. You own him nothing.
If he doesn't get a safe place...no judge will give him custodial rights.
 

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Everything about divorce is untenable.
Not sure what side of the fence your taking here, but every divorce has it's horror stories and it's the kids that suffer the most.
We are in the very beginning of our divorce and all studies show that the trauma of a broken home is something that stays with you long into adulthood.
Again, not sure what it is YOU think I should do but when we sat down to tell them about the divorce all they cared about was if dad moved away.
Without kids, this whole situation would be very different so while you sarcastically called it "nobel" I sincerely call it good parenting.

Now, as far as being paralyzed with fear? ***** please!
I don't NEED him for anything! I have been handling my life as a single parent for over a year, making incredibly positive improvements for my family and never came to a point that I had to ask for his help. My only fear has been his wellbeing and the safety of our boys while he maintains a relationship with them.
I never pretended to not care about him. As far as divorce goes, ours is very civil and no matter where he goes or what he does, I plan to keep it that way for the simple fact that I'm an adult and don't need to use hateful or hurtful tactics to move on with my life.

So whether you're saying that I'm keeping him around or making him leave out of fear. The answer is neither. I am throughly weighing the options and consequences and taking the physical and emotional health of all involved into consideration.

It's easy to sit on the outside and know what someone else should do and while I came here for constructive advice, belligerence won't accomplish anything
Please clean this up. You don't want to get banned for name-calling.
 

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Not everyone can or will grow up and there are numerous reasons for that. My MIL was one who did not and she made life difficult (an understatement) for more than nine decades for everyone in her family. Your STBX is likely to be the same. Maybe there’ll be a miracle at some point but probably not. So it will obviously be up to you to provide your children with the stability that their father isn’t capable of giving them. I hope things work out well for all of you.
 

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@katcann88 Something is "off" with your husband. I think that this needs to be investigated, especially if you are going to consider allowing the children to visit him or stay with him. Is he ASD, perhaps?
 
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