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Hello all,
I am new here. Lately my husband is getting into the habit of bitc...ing like an old man about anything and I am afraid it's becoming habit-forming and abnormal. OK, I must admit, we moved to Italy so I am closer to my parents and life is very different here. But is it normal for my hubby to:

1) Keeping on commenting how dirty the city is and how much trash people leave around every single wrapper or bottle he sees on the sidewalk
2) getting pissed off every time he sees a person walking down the road without face mask or people aggregating in bars despite covid19
3) every single day he's kicking a neighbor's baby stroller out of the way as it blocks our stairwell and complaining about it out loud
4) reminding me repeatedly when it's getting close for me to cook lunch or dinner (I work at home and sometimes I would like to finish up before cooking)
5) every single day he's pissed off he isn't losing weight and keeps on asking me if he looks skinnier
6) he talks every day about how pissed off he is with politics etc.
7) and it involves me too, today he even got grumpy because I want to keep my medicine bottles on the kitchen table otherwise I forget to take my medicine
8) he is often complaining about my parents about how they bring junk to us as gifts
9) he is always correcting how me or my parents pronunciate things wrong


He's only 46 and I (43) feel like I married an old man like those who have nothing to do other than complain. I am getting tired and would like him to chill and enjoy the great food, the beautiful sea views from our terrace, the luxury of working on our own.

I am wondering if there is some type of reinforcement going on when somebody complains so much because it seems to become habit-forming with time.
 

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Apparently he's not happy about the move and the changes involved. Was he in willing agreement to the move, and had he spent much time there before making the decision? Yes, all those things are annoying, especially in combination, but there is probably an underlying reason for his irritability.
 

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Where did you move from? Sounds like he is finding it difficult to adjust to his new home and culture.
Culture shock is a very real phenomenon and there are a few stages in the cycle. In the beginning it is all new and exciting, the honeymoon stage, however it usually progresses to frustration (the stage your H is at it seems) where everything about the new culture is annoying and irritating and never as good as the culture left behind. Read about culture shock. He will have to go through the process of acclimatization but it can be difficult. You being the closest to him, gets the full show. Does he have any interests, does he work, etc? He needs to get out an make new friends, activities, etc.

I don't understand how people simple move from one country to another and never think of the impacts. Yes it is a globalized world but you leave behind friends, family, places you know, etc. A spouse needs to be understanding particularly if you are moving to their country. I have been through this and it is really hard. I have lived twice in the country I am in now and thought it would be a breeze coming here the second time but I went through an awful period where nothing was right. I hated everything about it, nothing was right I just wanted to go back to my home country (the last country we had been in). It took 2 years to adjust.

Eventually your H will assimilate but you have to get your finger out, help him instead of complaining about him. Spousal support is important at this point, it can ruin a marriage if you simply expect him to 'get with the programme.'



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Hello all,
I am new here. Lately my husband is getting into the habit of bitc...ing like an old man about anything and I am afraid it's becoming habit-forming and abnormal. OK, I must admit, we moved to Italy so I am closer to my parents and life is very different here. But is it normal for my hubby to:
Where did you live before you moved to Italy? How long ago did you move there?

1) Keeping on commenting how dirty the city is and how much trash people leave around every single wrapper or bottle he sees on the sidewalk
I lived in other places in Italy where this was not a problem at all. But when I lived in Naples there was all sorts of trash all over the place. It was really bad every time there was a garbage strike. I think this could be a legitimate thing to complain about. But you are not the person who could fix it, so complaining to you about it is a waste of his breath.

2) getting pissed off every time he sees a person walking down the road without face mask or people aggregating in bars despite covid19
3) every single day he's kicking a neighbor's baby stroller out of the way as it blocks our stairwell and complaining about it out loud
4) reminding me repeatedly when it's getting close for me to cook lunch or dinner (I work at home and sometimes I would like to finish up before cooking)
5) every single day he's pissed off he isn't losing weight and keeps on asking me if he looks skinnier
6) he talks every day about how pissed off he is with politics etc.
7) and it involves me too, today he even got grumpy because I want to keep my medicine bottles on the kitchen table otherwise I forget to take my medicine
8) he is often complaining about my parents about how they bring junk to us as gifts
9) he is always correcting how me or my parents pronunciate things wrong
There are some legitimate gripes in that list, such as the stroller blocking the hallway.

Has he always been this way or did it start when you moved to Italy? Did he even want to move to Italy?

He's only 46 and I (43) feel like I married an old man like those who have nothing to do other than complain. I am getting tired and would like him to chill and enjoy the great food, the beautiful sea views from our terrace, the luxury of working on our own.

I am wondering if there is some type of reinforcement going on when somebody complains so much because it seems to become habit-forming with time.
Is your husband working these days too? If so how many hours a week? How long has he been working at home?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Where did you move from? Does he have any interests, does he work, etc?
We have been in the States for more than 20 years (in Arizona) and both us used to lived in Italy prior to that. He lived in the North, I lived in the South.

He works at home too, and we do long walks by the sea in the morning and jog in the evening. We really never got friends for most our married life as we work at home most of the time and have been happy this way for years.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Where did you live before you moved to Italy? How long ago did you move there?
I lived in other places in Italy where this was not a problem at all. But when I lived in Naples there was all sorts of trash all over the place. It was really bad every time there was a garbage strike. Is your husband working these days too? If so how many hours a week? How long has he been working at home?
Hi, we have been to Naples and know what you mean. We are in Sicily and it's not very different. Our heart breaks when we walk by the sea and see trash and plastic bottles. I am annoyed by it, but you see he's really irritated and it puts him in a bad mood. It doesn't help that we are renting a home and landlord is a piece of xxxit, and has the home for sale so she has to show it once a week and then she refuses to fix the fridge which doesn't cool down much and we have to put frozen water bottle each day. Also when it rains hard, it leaks from windows and we have to dry it (fortunately doesn't rain so often)

So yes, things aren't really going well, but I sort of deal with it, for him it pisses him off. Today he's pissed off with the birds who build nests and chirp loud all day. It annoys me too, but he's often

Hubby agreed to come here after our dogs died and we could travel again, but I think he doesn't like this place because it's more of a big city than a town. Some people are rude too and try to pass you in line at grocery stores. I let it slide but he gets mad at ladies too and I feel embarrassed when he does this.

We gave notice we'll leave in October and I let him pick the next place in Sicily to be where he feels he'll feel happier. He fell in love with an island we recently visited, and although it means more difficult to see my parents, I am willing to do the move if he's happier.

Thing is, we have been in Arizona mostly for his work and it was his choice to move there, and I wasn't too happy there much because I got to see my parents only once a year, so I think it would be fair that now it's time to make me happy as my parents are getting old (82 and 85) and I want to enjoy them as much as we can by seeing them at least once a month.
 

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Hi, we have been to Naples and know what you mean. We are in Sicily and it's not very different. Our heart breaks when we walk by the sea and see trash and plastic bottles. I am annoyed by it, but you see he's really irritated and it puts him in a bad mood. It doesn't help that we are renting a home and landlord is a piece of xxxit, and has the home for sale so she has to show it once a week and then she refuses to fix the fridge which doesn't cool down much and we have to put frozen water bottle each day. Also when it rains hard, it leaks from windows and we have to dry it (fortunately doesn't rain so often)

So yes, things aren't really going well, but I sort of deal with it, for him it pisses him off. Today he's pissed off with the birds who build nests and chirp loud all day. It annoys me too, but he's often

Hubby agreed to come here after our dogs died and we could travel again, but I think he doesn't like this place because it's more of a big city than a town. Some people are rude too and try to pass you in line at grocery stores. I let it slide but he gets mad at ladies too and I feel embarrassed when he does this.

We gave notice we'll leave in October and I let him pick the next place in Sicily to be where he feels he'll feel happier. He fell in love with an island we recently visited, and although it means more difficult to see my parents, I am willing to do the move if he's happier.

Thing is, we have been in Arizona mostly for his work and it was his choice to move there, and I wasn't too happy there much because I got to see my parents only once a year, so I think it would be fair that now it's time to make me happy as my parents are getting old (82 and 85) and I want to enjoy them as much as we can by seeing them at least once a month.
You say that your husband had lived in Italy before. What part of the country did he live in and for how long? I'm asking because it might give a better idea of what's going on with him.

Where do his parents and siblings live? Is he very close to them?

I agree with @aine that he's most likely going through some sort of shock stage. Hopefully he can work through this. Or maybe when you move to this little island that he likes he might do better. And when you do move, hopefully you won't have difficulties of your own.

You said that you could move after his dogs died. Do you think a dog would help him adjust?
 

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Ah I have nothing constructive to say except sometimes we all have to put on our big girl and boy pants and have a good attitude.

My exH was like that. Always negative, always choosing to say out loud the negative in any situation. It was not only exhausting, but it made me not want to come home after a bad day at work because I couldn’t handle the constant negativity.

I tried talking to my exH about it, but he never changed. All you. An really so is talk to him about it. Sorry I’m not more helpful.
 

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Hello all,
I am new here. Lately my husband is getting into the habit of bitc...ing like an old man about anything and I am afraid it's becoming habit-forming and abnormal. OK, I must admit, we moved to Italy so I am closer to my parents and life is very different here. But is it normal for my hubby to:

1) Keeping on commenting how dirty the city is and how much trash people leave around every single wrapper or bottle he sees on the sidewalk
2) getting pissed off every time he sees a person walking down the road without face mask or people aggregating in bars despite covid19
3) every single day he's kicking a neighbor's baby stroller out of the way as it blocks our stairwell and complaining about it out loud
4) reminding me repeatedly when it's getting close for me to cook lunch or dinner (I work at home and sometimes I would like to finish up before cooking)
5) every single day he's pissed off he isn't losing weight and keeps on asking me if he looks skinnier
6) he talks every day about how pissed off he is with politics etc.
7) and it involves me too, today he even got grumpy because I want to keep my medicine bottles on the kitchen table otherwise I forget to take my medicine
8) he is often complaining about my parents about how they bring junk to us as gifts
9) he is always correcting how me or my parents pronunciate things wrong


He's only 46 and I (43) feel like I married an old man like those who have nothing to do other than complain. I am getting tired and would like him to chill and enjoy the great food, the beautiful sea views from our terrace, the luxury of working on our own.

I am wondering if there is some type of reinforcement going on when somebody complains so much because it seems to become habit-forming with time.
Wow, I tough one.
This could be a million different possibilities.
It basically just sounds like he doesn't like his life now and feels powerless and trapped.
"Moved to Italy"....I do not know where you lived before. It sounds like he had to leave his home country.
Also, it sounds like symptoms of the city you live in....he could move to another part of Italy and things would be 100% different. Trash, filth...etc. parts of San Fransisco, California look like a 3rd world country not.
It also sounds like he has fallen under the curse of negative thinking. A person can choose to look at circumstances and willingly choose to be positive and look on the bring side or a person can be negative and feel negative about everything and it can feed on itself like a monster until you are sick of life and everything and everyone around you. It sounds like he is falling into a negativity tail spin.

He kind of has to choose to decide to change. You can do that for him. All you can do is point it out by first validating his feelings....acknowledge all of these things that get to him are annoying but then point out that he is becoming so negative and tell him you miss the old, more positive fellow, you fell for.

What is the back story? Does he not want to live there in Italy? Do you think he hates his life now?
 

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Where did you move from? Sounds like he is finding it difficult to adjust to his new home and culture.
Culture shock is a very real phenomenon and there are a few stages in the cycle. In the beginning it is all new and exciting, the honeymoon stage, however it usually progresses to frustration (the stage your H is at it seems) where everything about the new culture is annoying and irritating and never as good as the culture left behind. Read about culture shock. He will have to go through the process of acclimatization but it can be difficult. You being the closest to him, gets the full show. Does he have any interests, does he work, etc? He needs to get out an make new friends, activities, etc.

I don't understand how people simple move from one country to another and never think of the impacts. Yes it is a globalized world but you leave behind friends, family, places you know, etc. A spouse needs to be understanding particularly if you are moving to their country. I have been through this and it is really hard. I have lived twice in the country I am in now and thought it would be a breeze coming here the second time but I went through an awful period where nothing was right. I hated everything about it, nothing was right I just wanted to go back to my home country (the last country we had been in). It took 2 years to adjust.

Eventually your H will assimilate but you have to get your finger out, help him instead of complaining about him. Spousal support is important at this point, it can ruin a marriage if you simply expect him to 'get with the programme.'

The list she put is way beyond cultural shock. It's his personality.

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Hello all,
I am new here. Lately my husband is getting into the habit of bitc...ing like an old man about anything and I am afraid it's becoming habit-forming and abnormal. OK, I must admit, we moved to Italy so I am closer to my parents and life is very different here. But is it normal for my hubby to:

1) Keeping on commenting how dirty the city is and how much trash people leave around every single wrapper or bottle he sees on the sidewalk
2) getting pissed off every time he sees a person walking down the road without face mask or people aggregating in bars despite covid19
3) every single day he's kicking a neighbor's baby stroller out of the way as it blocks our stairwell and complaining about it out loud
4) reminding me repeatedly when it's getting close for me to cook lunch or dinner (I work at home and sometimes I would like to finish up before cooking)
5) every single day he's pissed off he isn't losing weight and keeps on asking me if he looks skinnier
6) he talks every day about how pissed off he is with politics etc.
7) and it involves me too, today he even got grumpy because I want to keep my medicine bottles on the kitchen table otherwise I forget to take my medicine
8) he is often complaining about my parents about how they bring junk to us as gifts
9) he is always correcting how me or my parents pronunciate things wrong


He's only 46 and I (43) feel like I married an old man like those who have nothing to do other than complain. I am getting tired and would like him to chill and enjoy the great food, the beautiful sea views from our terrace, the luxury of working on our own.

I am wondering if there is some type of reinforcement going on when somebody complains so much because it seems to become habit-forming with time.
Mary,
I often use humor to get me through the dark and down times. My spouse also bit**es constantly, and its getting worse! We should have a lighthearted contest to see who complains more.

This morning at about 4:15, he gets up, making his usual amount of noise and cussing. Then he starts in on how there are none of his favorite socks matched. I, straight out a dead sleep, suggest that he match socks while he's watching TV. His reply: "I don't know." ..... "Maybe because nobody else does!" Through a closed door and window, I could hear him cussing and stomping all the way out to the car to leave. He was also extra angry that I asked to borrow his truck today.

Husbands are stupid. 😆
 

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Hi Cup of Tea, I love your idea of talking about what makes our hubby's lives swirl upside-down.
About socks, I think we should start buying mass loads of socks that all are the same so that they all match, he-he!

Today my hubby was complaining that I kept the salad in the bowl unattended a few minutes while the string beans were cooking. He said it was highly irresponsible leaving it uncovered and that even a child would know that small flies and gnats would land there attracted by the vinegar and we would eat them. I don't see the issue with a little extra protein.

I used to own roosters and they were always reacting to the most stupid things, such as the wind blowing, shiny things and noises, while the chickens were so chill and cared less. Reminds me of some husbands ;)
 

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Did you, by chance, voice your displeasure? Maybe repeatedly, even annoyingly?
I tend to adapt and actually at some point started to even enjoy living there, but he knew very well that I disliked being thousands of miles away from my family and friends who lived overseas.
 

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It also sounds like he has fallen under the curse of negative thinking. A person can choose to look at circumstances and willingly choose to be positive and look on the bring side or a person can be negative and feel negative about everything and it can feed on itself like a monster until you are sick of life and everything and everyone around you. It sounds like he is falling into a negativity tail spin.
Thank you for the clear explanation on how negativity sucks you into a tail spin. I can see that happening and don't want it to get worse.

He thinks this town is too large, he wants a smaller area where everybody knows each other, where there is more respect and the places are cleaner. I would like him to choose to make him happy, but not too far from my parents that they struggle to see us. I would like a compromise.
 
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