[shoshana]

When one walks into the room the others demeaner changes.

My husband is very overbearing with the children. He is very strict and gripes about everything all the time. For example, a typical day at my home consists of my husband coming home, saying hi to myself and my daughter. He then proceeds to turn to my son and start ordering him to get his "crap" out of the living room and "go clean his room". There's no "hello", or "how was school". He doesn't even care if he's in the middle of something. He just expects him to jump.

He talks to my 11 year old son with shortness and is very intollerant of him. Never tells him he loves him, never gives him a hug, and the only time he takes him somewhere is when I make him. If my daughter and I leave to go somewhere and I leave my son home with my husband, they hardly speak. My husband says he has nothing in common with "the boy" and can't relate to him.

My husband watches TV and never engages in any conversation with my son unless it is lecturing him or being short with him. My son thinks his Dad hates him and I don't blame him. I asked my husband the other day when they got into another fight if he even loves my son. His response was "I am working on like right now". I try to get them to work on their relationship, but neither one of them even want to. My son says he "has no relationship with his dad, and does'nt want one". This breaks my heart and I don't know what to do.

My son is suffering in school, I'm trying to help him cope with his ADHD, and my husband wants nothing to do with it, but to punish him. You can cut the tension with a knife when they are in the same room. Both ignore each other completely or speak with complete distain for each other. I am afraid that if something doesn't change my marriage will end, which would hurt my daughter. I feel as if I am being torn between my marriage, and the emotional wellbeing of my son.

My daughter and my husband have their moments, but have a good relationship. They kid around alot and golf together. He's even taking her to see his parents for a week long ski trip(again). Just her! And, it never crossed his mind, our son's feelings would be hurt by that or that he should try and take our son somewhere special too!

I can't stand the fighting day in and day out. I know this will eventually progress to physical altercations when my son gets older and bigger. Both are very head strong and neither will back down. It breaks my heart to think my son feels that he doesn't have a father and will grow up despising him.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am so desperate.

Shoshana

 

[Dryden]

Family Counseling?

Can either of them express why they dislike each other? Obviously your son's answer would likely be because dad is always harping on him and criticizing him.

Does your son actually leave a lot of his 'crap' lying around and have his room messy?

Have you asked your H to try and start off with a 'Hello, how was your day' then ask in a more polite manner if he would 'take that stuff up to his room and tidy up a bit'?

Also, were your H's parents very demanding of him when he was growing up? This seems to cause people to be very demanding of their own children, because it is what they are used to. I've been working on it myself with my daughter (she's almost 8).

If your son suffers from ADHD, maybe your H just doesn't know what to do about it. Possibly he feels like he should be able to fix it but can't?

 

[Alexandra]

I agree that counseling, especially for your H, is a good place to start.

How was his childhood (as asked above)? Did he have issues with his own father? Possibly he didn't have a decent role model and is now flying blind as to how to treat his son. It sounds as if he has a chip on his shoulder and needs to open his eyes to who his SON is, leaving his own problems in the past. But I could be way off.

I understand your feelings as a mother. It's a really impossible situation to be in. All you can do is encourage the relationship and offer help and support to both men in your life.

Would your daughter be helpful at all in helping your H relate to your son? Could she put in a good word, go out together with the two of them?

 

[artieb]

Sit your husband down and ask him what he wants. When/if your son does things your husband doesn't like, what would your husband want to happen afterwards? Does he want your son's behavior to change? Does he want to yell? Does he want your son to yell back? How long does your husband want the yelling to go on; another year? Five years?

If all he wants is yelling and people getting angry and resentment, then he's doing fine. But if what he wants is your son's behavior to change, then your husband has to get control of himself first. Like many other elements of behavior, self-control can be contagious: when you see it modeled by another person, you're more likely to maintain control of your voice and your words.

And it's your husband who needs to take the initiative here: your son can't, and shouldn't have to, model proper adult behavior for the adult man in his life. Your husband is, like it or not, one of your son's male role models. It's time for him to control himself and model proper manliness and manhood; where else does he expect your son to learn it? You might even tell him that for you, too: "I need you to be an adult, and be a father to my kids. I want a man in my life, and you haven't been acting like one."

There's a book, How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, by Norman Wright. If your husband is talking and your son isn't listening, maybe that's a book your husband should read.

 

[momof6girls]

i totally get that my hubby the same way it sounded like i was reading a day at my own home.

if yours is like mine then sitting down and talking it out well they don't think there is anything wrong so why do we need to talk? or the child is the one with the issue? or i love the they don't see nothing wrong at all with there relationship...? really

and councling well again mine thinks there has to be a problem to go to councling and there is no problem my daughter is just lazy and needs to be pushed and he is the one that has to push because i am to easy on them or do it for them and not teaching them a thing...

as for your question... yes we have to buffer some but in the end your son will either except that is how his father is, hopefully not become his father... or he will avoid him until he grows some and dad changes (i hear they do lighten up when not in there house under there rules)....

keep talking to your son don't always defend or go against your hubby he is well his own man... just keep a relationship with your son they way you want to and maybe the rest will fall into place....

but if you can get hubby to councling by all means it would be worth it... so i hear... mine will not go.

 

[european]

When one walks into the room the others demeaner changes.

My husband is very overbearing with the children. He is very strict and gripes about everything all the time. For example, a typical day at my home consists of my husband coming home, saying hi to myself and my daughter. He then proceeds to turn to my son and start ordering him to get his "crap" out of the living room and "go clean his room". There's no "hello", or "how was school". He doesn't even care if he's in the middle of something. He just expects him to jump.

He talks to my 11 year old son with shortness and is very intollerant of him. Never tells him he loves him, never gives him a hug, and the only time he takes him somewhere is when I make him. If my daughter and I leave to go somewhere and I leave my son home with my husband, they hardly speak. My husband says he has nothing in common with "the boy" and can't relate to him.

My husband watches TV and never engages in any conversation with my son unless it is lecturing him or being short with him. My son thinks his Dad hates him and I don't blame him. I asked my husband the other day when they got into another fight if he even loves my son. His response was "I am working on like right now". I try to get them to work on their relationship, but neither one of them even want to. My son says he "has no relationship with his dad, and does'nt want one". This breaks my heart and I don't know what to do.

My son is suffering in school, I'm trying to help him cope with his ADHD, and my husband wants nothing to do with it, but to punish him. You can cut the tension with a knife when they are in the same room. Both ignore each other completely or speak with complete distain for each other. I am afraid that if something doesn't change my marriage will end, which would hurt my daughter. I feel as if I am being torn between my marriage, and the emotional wellbeing of my son.

My daughter and my husband have their moments, but have a good relationship. They kid around alot and golf together. He's even taking her to see his parents for a week long ski trip(again). Just her! And, it never crossed his mind, our son's feelings would be hurt by that or that he should try and take our son somewhere special too!

I can't stand the fighting day in and day out. I know this will eventually progress to physical altercations when my son gets older and bigger. Both are very head strong and neither will back down. It breaks my heart to think my son feels that he doesn't have a father and will grow up despising him.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am so desperate.

Shoshana

Hi Shoshana,

Actually I am the son of a father who hates me. I'm already 52 years old and of course, one gets over it in time but nevertheless it's a curse you have to carry during all these years, and partly it will always remain a scratch on your personality which can lead you to despair in certain moments. It's a gruelling situation for all parties concerned, for the son it's a sheer nightmare (I can testify) and probably also for the caring mother who is desperate why her lovely boy is so reluctant and silent at times. (Or probably very often). My advice is quite extreme : choose for your own blood & flesh and divorce this man (I only could wish my mother had done this 40 years ago). A father who hates his son is in my opionion a guy who also lacks certain screws in other fields - so honestly, - as you seem to be a caring and quite realistic mother - don't waist too much time on him.

Regards

The European

 

[greeneyeddolphin]

One thing I caught that I don't see anyone else touching on, but I'd like to, is your son's ADHD. Both of my sons have ADHD as well. It is a daily struggle to deal with a child that suffers from it. The lack of attention, the hyperactivity, it's all very stressful. While it doesn't excuse his behavior, I wonder if your husband does what he does because he simply doesn't know how to deal with your son. My boyfriend, when we got together, knew the "on paper" ADHD...but had never dealt with a child that had it (they are my sons, not his, although I refer to them as ours since he acts as their father and their bio dad does not). I had to kind of teach him how to interact with the boys. It wasn't this "ok, now do this" kind of thing, but more of a situation where when his reaction to something they did seemed overblown or somehow inappropriate, I'd sit down with him and explain to him how best to try to deal with them in that situation. It was a process, took a while for him to learn, but he did. Now, of course, he's always had a good relationship with our boys, anyway, so I think that may have made it easier. And that means that the very rocky relationship your husband has with your boy will make this more difficult, but I think trying to teach him better ways to interact with your son could help.

I also agree that some counseling is in order. Their relationship seems to be so bad that I think, even if the ADHD is contributing, they'll need a lot more help to repair the relationship. They'll need professional help.

Talk to your son too. His resistance to dad probably doesn't help either. And while it's understandable that he would be resistant, they both need to find new ways to deal with each other. If one changes and the other doesn't, the same situation will continue to occur.

 

[DarBra]

Leave while you can. It doesn't get any better. Your son will be WAY better off if he feels loved and respected in his own home. I didn't leave and now my son is about to turn 18 and he is struggling with what direction to go with his life. He has no confidence in himself because of the years of verbal abuse. It's hard to believe in yourself if the people who are supposed to love you don't believe in you. My husband has repeatedly said that he doesn't think my son is even capable of flipping burgers. He thinks he'll get fired from any job he could possibly get and then he turns around and tells my son he needs to get a job. My son is a smart kid who took honors classes and his dad thinks he can't flip a burger. Thats NOT love. I feel like I did my son an injustice by staying. I thought he needed two parents. No one needs a parent who doesn't believe in them. All of my encouragement and positively goes out the window when his dad opens his mouth. "The bad stuff is easier to believe".
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[teckie01]

Sometimes a father can be pushed too far. As they say "A mothers love knows no bounds but you can push a father just so far. I have a son and from the time he was born I loved him, took him with me at times when I could, and yes we spoiled him. However, at 12 years old he got away with a lie and the lying just continually became a part of his life. He doesn't and is incapable of telling the truth. He has NEVER followed the advice we gave him. We tried our best to guide him ut he never once listened and wound up doing probation at 14 costing his mother her job and an expense that we couldn't afford at the time. Then it just got worse. After signing for a new car for him when he was 18 so he could work at the same place I did all he had to do was make the payments, which he could well afford. He was living home and we never asked for a dime from him. After a month he started lying again that he was going to work but wasn't. Instead he was sitting at a friends house doing drugs and planning to rob banks with these jerks. That cost him 6 years in prison. Then when he came home after crying to his mother how he should have listened to us and how he found God and changed, that lasted one week and he was back to the same person. Then I inherited a house in NY after my Aunt passed. He wanted to go there with some white trash girl he met. I asked him for only $500.00 a month so I could pay the taxes and he would they would have to get jobs and take care of the utilities also. I gave them 6 months free. When the rent was supposed to start it was one excuse after another and for another 9 months didn't see a dime. When I went to see the house the damage they did was indescribable. Then I come to learn that the money I sent him for food cause he claimed they were starving and he never got his tax return he was feeding his friends, paid $300 for a puppy that he claimed he adopted which I now have because guess what, he and his girlfriend are both back in jail for drugs and that he had over $6000 dollars but used most of it to pay his girlfriends bills and the hell with us. For 18 years I tolerated this. His mother, although she has a broken heart still defends him while I have argued with her to the brink of divorce that he just doesn't care whatsoever about either of us. He knows very well how to play his mother but can't play me. Yes, I've gotten to the point I can actually say I don't care whether he lives or dies and that's a shame. He's destroyed everything I have worked for and had the nerve to call an ask me to bail him out. I left him there because its only a matter of time that if he does get out he'll go back in again eventually. I am seriously considering legally disowning him. Some may think I'm a terrible person but there is so much more I can add I don't think there would be enough room here. I feel sorry for him because he will wind up alone. No-one in the family wants any part of him. Some people are just born bad and unfortunately he is.

 

[arbitrator]

Family counseling for your entire family is an imperative must! Sounds a lot like "parental or paternal bullying!"

No kid ever deserves to be treated like this by a parent, stepparent, or anyone for that matter!