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Discussion Starter #1
Hi...sorry if this is an old topic (I'm sure I'm not the first) but I'm new here and still trying to navigate.

To make a long story short, the title says it all. My mom, who I am extremely close with, and husband have been at odds with each other for years now. They both compete for my attention (immature), are both used to getting their way (selfish) and each want me on their side (which I refuse to do b/c they're both ridiculous). There are times I can side with one over the other b/c I feel they're right but it's mostly just bickering and mudslinging.

Forgive me for saying so, but I know my husband can be a real bastard at times. It's an unfortunate side effect of the way he was raised. He makes hurtful comments, is rude and acts like a child when he doesn't "get his way". The funny thing of it is he only does this when he has an audience - family, friends, etc. When it's just us? HE WOULDN'T DARE!! I've called him out on this several times, but it never seems to change. The things he says often embarrass me and I know it upsets my mother...

Now onto my second problem child. My mom takes everything so damn personally not to mention she treats me like I'm some delicate, helpless creature that my husband should adore and worship and care for as if I can't be responsible for my own actions. Sure, I believe in chivalry, but she expects us to have this 1950's dichotomy and that just is not the way we operate. One instance: she seems him as less of a man if I have to go back to work once we have a baby. NEWSFLASH! I WANT to work, and we don't live in a part of the country where it's easy to live on one salary. She recently let the floodgates go on how much she dislikes him which obviously, is a lot for me to take in (even though I already knew).

So here's my dilemma: I'm sick and tired and exhausted of being in the middle of their bull****. They both have valid points at times but more often then not are just being completely out of line. However, on the brink of buying our first house + trying to have a baby, I really don't want to just let it go. I want to try and make it work for our future relationship(s). My husband doesn't care to and my mom is just too difficult to deal with. What should I do? I know it's not really up to ME to play referee, but if I don't, they won't try and fix things either.

I would love to hear from people who've had or have similar issues. Sorry this is so winded. Something about just writing it makes me feel better...
 

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This is why I pray that my DD marries a man I can like.

The only advice I have is put both on notice. Let your mum knows that she cannot speak negatively about your H. He is your H and if you have problems then, you will work it out together. She is not to comment about him or your marriage. You are a grown women and need to make decisions that are in your marriage best interests.

If she cant accept that then, limit your contact with her and between her and your H.

Your H needs to know the childish crap has to stop. She is your mum and you will not take him disrespecting her. He needs to act his age or he will be sent to his room when family/friends are over.

What will he do once you have kids, who needs attention?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
This is why I pray that my DD marries a man I can like.

The only advice I have is put both on notice. Let your mum knows that she cannot speak negatively about your H. He is your H and if you have problems then, you will work it out together. She is not to comment about him or your marriage. You are a grown women and need to make decisions that are in your marriage best interests.

If she cant accept that then, limit your contact with her and between her and your H.

Your H needs to know the childish crap has to stop. She is your mum and you will not take him disrespecting her. He needs to act his age or he will be sent to his room when family/friends are over.

What will he do once you have kids, who needs attention?
Thanks for that insight...

I definitely could us a break from "family" activities. I think keeping them in their separate cages for a while is a great idea and necessary for my sanity.

I do not want to give up on this, though but I know well enough you can't change a person (especially these two bone heads).

*sigh*
 

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I have learned so much from being here at TAM, when it's my time to become the MIL, I hope I will not mess up too much. But if the guys a bonehead, I might have to put laxative in his pie.:grin2:

I am trying my best to give my D space to grow and make her own decisions. I realize when she vents to me, she just needs to voice what is going on with her. She does not need me to fix things or manage her life. Also, I am so learning to bite my tongue and not speak what I am thinking because she will get mad at me. To keep the peace and love, I listen and give advice when she invites me to.

It's hard to let go of your baby girl. You still want to make life easy for her. But I have to believe that she remembers all the things I have taught her and will use those tools, to deal with life.

I however, firmly believe that when it comes to your marriage no one should be allowed to interfere in the normal going ons between H and W.
And I don't like people talking bad about my H.

You just have to get mum to calm down and realize you are happy. And she did a great job raising you and now she has to back down.

Good luck with the H.
 

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OP, you need to get good at enforcing your own boundaries. Next time your mom says something unpleasant tell her that it's not okay for her to be disrespectful of your husband, your marriage, and you by saying stuff like that. Then tell her that you can't be around her if she's going to continue. When she says something unpleasant again, calmly remind her that you've asked her not to say things like that and then leave. Tell her you'll be happy to get together another time. The key here, is that you need to be calm and serious. This isn't the time to explain yourself, beg, cry, yell or otherwise be emotional about it. Just be calm and polite and refuse to back down. Do it every single time she's snarky, mean, or otherwise showing out. Do not remain around her if she's going to be disrespectful of your wishes, of your husband, or of you. She will eventually stop once she realizes that her behavior isn't getting her what she wants. Oh, and the flip side of this is that you cannot then complain about your husband to her. If she's not allowed to comment on your husband, then you need to stop making him a topic of conversation. Being BFF's with your mother doesn't make it okay to involve her too much in your marriage, if you have, so that's something to watch out for.

You need to do the same thing with your husband. Let him know that you sometimes find his behavior in public embarrassing and that if it continues, you can't be with him in social/family situations. Then, the next time he pulls a stunt, remind him of your earlier conversation and leave. Let him know you're taking a cab (or the car, whatever) home and you'll see him later. Again, remain firm, calm, and direct. Don't refuse to go out with him, just refuse to stay around if he's going to behave poorly. You're not punishing an errant child or starting an argument, you're removing yourself from a situation that you find unpleasant and hurtful.

Yes, it's annoying to have to teach good behavior to other adults. However, think of this as not teaching them, but simply refusing to accept their poor behavior. They're putting you in the middle because they know they can - because you keep tolerating it.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Is your husband a good man? Is he worthy of your respect and admiration? Will he make a good father?

If he is not all of these things, don't have a a baby with him.

If he is all of these things, then tell your mother to treat him politely and with respect.
Oh, absolutely. No doubt about children in our near future.

My mother DOES treat him politely, HE is the one who is biting and disrespectful in her presence. She has said many things to ME about how she feels about him, but never to him or in a public setting.

Honestly, they're both wrong. It's just a matter of who's more wrong than the other at times and I'm sick of making that call.
 

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You have two separate issues going on.

1. A rude immature bast--d for a husband who makes hurtful comments? Can you give an example.? If he treats you this way, how will he treat children? A crying baby?

2. An overbearing, over protective mother. Does she see all of the above that goes on? Him disrespecting you? Nobody should get involved in another's marriage including a mother but that said the comments you yourself used to describe your husband border on abusive. As a parent I would have zero tolerance for that if it involved my child.

Question- how old are you and husband? do you guys live on your own or with your mother?
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You have two separate issues going on.

1. A rude immature bast--d for a husband who makes hurtful comments? Can you give an example.? If he treats you this way, how will he treat children? A crying baby?

2. An overbearing, over protective mother. Does she see all of the above that goes on? Him disrespecting you? Nobody should get involved in another's marriage including a mother but that said the comments you yourself used to describe your husband border on abusive. As a parent I would have zero tolerance for that if it involved my child.

Question- how old are you and husband? do you guys live on your own or with your mother?
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1. Great example just happened Saturday: we're at lunch b/c my uncle was briefly in town. It was us, my mom, uncle and a family friend who's house it was. We got on some pointless convo about sales and how Kohls accepts a thousand coupons etc. etc. My mom joked about how it's practically a "pyramid scheme" for them to make you buy more and he says, "Yeah, well, I don't have time for all that. If I want something, I just buy it." The table went silent b/c the WAY he said it was so pompous and rude! I was mortified! So I said (with the same intonation), "Yeah, well, not everyone is made of money like you are."

Same day, same lunch table and conversation, we were discussing our new house (which we had just come from the inspection). My family was commenting on how the previous owners kept the place so clean and nicely decorated. My mom said, "I especially like that wallpaper in the dining room..." and before she could finish her sentence, he jumped and said, "Absolutely not, that's the FIRST thing to go." The I said, "Not it's not...because I like it." Emphasis on I.

See the pattern yet?

2. She only sees the bad, b/c he only "acts up" when he has an audience, per se. He NEVER opposes me like that at home or when it's just us and if he differs in opinion, he doesn't come off like that and we just talk about it. When there's an audience, no one's safe. He has to go against the majority and make the people around him feel inferior. I don't fall for it, but it embarrasses the hell out of me. My mom doesn't stand for ANY of it...but she's no angel herself. If we're in a group setting and my husband is talking about something we or he did that doesn't interest my mother or she doesn't agree with, she checks out. She thinks that I've changed for the worse b/c of him, but that's just b/c she now has to share the spotlight with someone else. It was her regime up until the last 6 years.

We're 33 and 35, on the verge of purchasing our own house.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
To add, if I was forced to choose sides I'd say at least my mom has TRIED in the past to make things work with him and she's also fully recognized how much this is hurting me. He is completely unaffected. I don't understand why he can't just be nicer or silent if nothing else! I don't particularly enjoy either of his parents...he has an aunt that has blatantly insulted me to my face and made me uncomfortable every time I've been in her home, and yet, I am civil with all of them (well, not the aunt - she's a c**t and she's irrelevant.) If his parents say something I disagree or find offensive, I either leave the room, stay quiet or respectfully assert my point but I don't jump down everyone's throat.

He called me out for being too "animated" and "phony" in family situations - hell, maybe that's how my being civil comes off. But it's a hell of a lot better of a tactic than being at each others throats.
 

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Again, he sounds abusive - mentally/verbally

and how is he when you are home alone? He embarrasses and belittles you in public, but home alone he is sweet as pie? Odd - usually it's the other way around.
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Can you tell me how your husband got along with HIS Mom?
Did he have siblings?
What was his childhood like?
I would say he tolerates her, and she lets him disrespect her. It is a very odd relationship (to me, anyway), very strained, he only seems to spend time with or talk to her out of necessity. However, she made it so. She has taken advantage of him financially, physically (meaning physical labor), basically cleaning up all her bad decisions. We are both only children, he suffered thru his parents awful divorce and I don't think he's ever full repaired from that. Childhood in short: not good, IMHO.

We all have our demons, but we can't let them rule/ruin our lives and ESPECIALLY not take over our new lives i.e. with our spouse and children.

I have suggested therapy for him, for us, he won't go. He doesn't see a problem with his attitude or behavior.
 

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Again, he sounds abusive - mentally/verbally

and how is he when you are home alone? He embarrasses and belittles you in public, but home alone he is sweet as pie? Odd - usually it's the other way around.
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That wouldn't be a far fetched comment, his father certainly is...

I guess I don't see it as "abuse" b/c I don't feel abused? Embarrassed, on occasion, but I'm pretty good at defending myself and those around me. I don't stand for it. The only time I either let it happen or am timid is in a social situation I don't want to make worse, then deal with it at home.

When it's just us, at home or out, it's wonderful! Never a problem! We even fight/argue effectively. I can honestly say in 6 years, we've never gone to bed mad. It's something he is adamant about not doing.

He's like a cat...or a toddler. When in a comfortable environment and on his own terms, he's perfectly fine but when it's not all about him, the claws come out and he throws his tantrums. It's very odd behavior.
 

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Tell him that he needs to worry about his own behavior and stop monitoring yours.

My husband loved sarcasm and sometimes wouldn't let a subject (picking) drop. He thought he was being clever and entertaining. I informed him that if he ever made a member of my family cry, he was history. Some people don't recognize that adults can take the ribbing a lot better than children. And, there is absolutely no reason to make a child cry.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Quick reply

Your husband and baby are your family now, so your H is your priority in terms of sorting out any issues. Your mother's needs to mother you comes secondary.

If they are bickering between them the solution is to separate them as you would children. You visit on your own, you keep conversation about each party to a minimum and play neutral. (Sometimes playing dumb when people around you are squabbling is the best bet).

When the baby comes you need to draw up some boundaries as her over protectiveness as she may become overbearing (so visitations by strict appointment, interfering quickly distracted and ignored), exercising the work 'no' from the get-go.

HTH.
Sorry if I wasn't clear somewhere but we don't have a baby yet. Working on it. But it's good advice for the future.
 

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My mother DOES treat him politely, HE is the one who is biting and disrespectful in her presence. She has said many things to ME about how she feels about him, but never to him or in a public setting.
Your mum is out of line to say ANYTHING disparaging about your husband to you or anyone else and needs to be shut down. I can't believe that you allow this!! :O

1. Great example just happened Saturday: we're at lunch b/c my uncle was briefly in town. It was us, my mom, uncle and a family friend who's house it was. We got on some pointless convo about sales and how Kohls accepts a thousand coupons etc. etc. My mom joked about how it's practically a "pyramid scheme" for them to make you buy more and he says, "Yeah, well, I don't have time for all that. If I want something, I just buy it." The table went silent b/c the WAY he said it was so pompous and rude! I was mortified! So I said (with the same intonation), "Yeah, well, not everyone is made of money like you are."

Same day, same lunch table and conversation, we were discussing our new house (which we had just come from the inspection). My family was commenting on how the previous owners kept the place so clean and nicely decorated. My mom said, "I especially like that wallpaper in the dining room..." and before she could finish her sentence, he jumped and said, "Absolutely not, that's the FIRST thing to go." The I said, "Not it's not...because I like it." Emphasis on I.

See the pattern yet?

2. She only sees the bad, b/c he only "acts up" when he has an audience, per se. He NEVER opposes me like that at home or when it's just us and if he differs in opinion, he doesn't come off like that and we just talk about it. When there's an audience, no one's safe. He has to go against the majority and make the people around him feel inferior. I don't fall for it, but it embarrasses the hell out of me. My mom doesn't stand for ANY of it...but she's no angel herself. If we're in a group setting and my husband is talking about something we or he did that doesn't interest my mother or she doesn't agree with, she checks out. She thinks that I've changed for the worse b/c of him, but that's just b/c she now has to share the spotlight with someone else. It was her regime up until the last 6 years.

We're 33 and 35, on the verge of purchasing our own house.
I honestly don't see what he said that was so terrible? About the coupons I mean. I see his response to the wallpaper as a petty challenge to your mum - but honestly, I'd be the same with my MIL, she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong, telling us how we should arrange our furniture, and one day I got so sick of it I had a reason against every suggestion she made. It was all I could do not to tell her to shut her pie hole and mind her own darn business.

In the above incident though, I saw you giving your mum more ammo by challenging your husband in front of her.

Sorry if I wasn't clear somewhere but we don't have a baby yet. Working on it. But it's good advice for the future.
Baby/no baby yet is irrelevant. You are a married woman, your husband is your family, your immediate family. Your mother is now extended family and comes second to your husband.

When you're married, your spouse comes first. Always. I wouldn't challenge my husband or argue/disagree with him in front of others - especially someone who I knew doesn't like him. I'd go to town in private, but in public I have his back no matter what.
 

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It seems to me, from the examples you gave, that he's not really insulting anyone as such, but he's trying hard to contribute something to the conversation and it's coming across as rude. He would know how your mother feels and I bet that when she comments on something to do with your lives (like the wallpaper in your house), he would see it as her way of trying to intrude in your lives. I see that you tend to shoot him down in public as well, being just as rude and obnoxious as him.

I bet, based on your aggressive responses to him in front of other people, that he would have to feel excluded, probably a little betrayed too. I get why you're doing it, but I think you're digging a nasty pit full of resentment between you and your husband. You don't have to agree with him, but you don't have to attack him either.
 

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You are in the middle becuase you are choosing to be in the middle.

You describe your husband as a jerk and put the blame on him. What if he is a jerk to your children? You want to make a baby with someone who you yourself describe negatively. It's a mistake to pursue baby at all costs without considering the child.

However, if you choose to stay marred and choose to have a baby you are choosing to accept your husband 100% for who he is. Once you make your choice you then choose the "collateral damage" that it does to your mother. You need to defend your husband.... If your mother thinks he is less of a man for allowing you to work then your mother needs to have a serious consequence there...
 
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