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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Last week I had proof via eavesdropping on a phone conversation that my partner has been having an affair for ( i think) several months. Later that I night I read emails between them which mention him putting money in her bank account. He had a wad of $ in his drawer which he said were given by his father to his grandson, about $5000.Unlikely as his father is on a $1000 per month pension. Too coincidental just before this trip with her. I remember he had this amount a few months ago They were going off to a resort in Asia somewhere. He had told us, his 17yr old son & I he was heading to New Zealand for work. I saw her photo, checked her FB & she is wearing a bunny costume, showing a lot of breast. He is conventional university professor and a medical doctor. When we were first together and madly in love, I noticed in the history of his laptop & work computers that there had been many visits to escort web sites. When I confronted him about this, he apologised and said it would stop. I belived him. Then I saw it again a few years later & he said it was from before. In counselling he claims he only went a few times when he spllit from his wife. Again I believed him. I now find, after snopping a bit that he has been to sex shops to buy sex toys, has several in the house. These are mentioned in his emails to the affair. I feel crazy. I think it;s highly likely this affair is with a prositute and that he has ben visiting them all throughout our relationship. I am still in shock. He is so not the man I thought he was- conventional, kind, loving family man.
I have left & staying with friends but the betrayal is awful especially in this way, my life feels like a soap opera. Anyone had similar experiences or thoughts on this?
 

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Why do you think she is a prostitute versus a girl using him as her sugar daddy - which would explain the cash and trip.
 

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Yes I have had a similar experience. The lies, the double life, how I trusted completely. To find the truth is shattering but all I can say is, for me, it made it easier to walk away. He is not a friend, he is not a husband, to treat you like that. My husband was also successful and portrayed himnself (to me) as a good sort who wouldn't cheat. Lies. He has also been diagnosed as having Narcisstic Personality Disorder, so the lies and fake portrayal make sense. How has your husband reacted? Any true remorse? How does he treat you in general - does he put you down, blame you?
The addiction to porn/prostitutes is not something that will just go away. You did the right thing getting out to give you some time to think. I assume you are divorcing and don't want to get back with him? I'd also get yourself checked out for STD's. Sorry to be blunt, but you have to think of yourself from now on
 

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Yes I have heard of cases like these before. Not from betrayed spouses ,but from the escorts girls whom these
" sugar daddies" upkeep.
All the cases seem to be the same.Very successful , high profile men in their fifties upwards.
I once knew a girl involved with such a man. i asked her how does she get him to pay for her travel , buy expensive clothes for her and pay for her rent,while she was involved with another man.
She told me
" Some men will pay ANYTHING to enjoy their vices..."

To the OP, your H sounds addicted, and worse yet,he can afford it.
Will you continue allowing him his " lifestyle" whilst you suffer?

Then confront him and tell him to choose NOW.
Be prepared to walk.
 

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Most people can stop bad behavior... if they want to.
He does it because he can, because he wants, because he believes he can get way with it.

What has been his reaction after you caught him and left?
What are you doing to protect youself legaly wise?
 

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going on expensive trips to be a sugar daddy?

I would kick him to the curb
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thank you so much for your thoughts, i wrote the post late last night when i couldn't sleep
it's morning now & good to read your posts
he was kinda remorseful, but still went away with her the next day, lying to his son, who he adores, in the process.
We have been living in a house he owns, luckily I have a house of my own which i will be able to move back into in Nov.
The weird thing is I still love him but feel totally betrayed, hurt & angry that he is still not owning up to what he is doing. Not about the affair, not about the prostiutes. I bet he's told his son & family that we just couldn't get on.
The idea of a sugar daddy fits, he's bought her rings, sent flowers, taken her away to resorts, paid for massages ( that's kinda ironic!) & according to the emails i read have plans for more overseas travel.
It is hard to walk out but what is the alternative? Stay & watch him do this to me? How could I ever know if he's stopped going to prostitues. Part of me wants to tell his family so thay might intervene to help him, but that's just me still looking after him. I need to look after myself. He has no friends. I have many who have offered me comfort & many places to stay. I have my niece & nephew visiting this weekend so I asked him to stay away. He has to go a hotel, no one to stay with & the shame would stop him staying with his family, who are traditional Chinese & I know will give him a hard time. I have worked hard to develop a good realtionship with his son too. SHould I speak with his 1st wife to see if this is a pattern or let that go & concentrate on my own life?
 

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thank you so much for your thoughts, i wrote the post late last night when i couldn't sleep
it's morning now & good to read your posts
he was kinda remorseful, but still went away with her the next day, lying to his son, who he adores, in the process.
We have been living in a house he owns, luckily I have a house of my own which i will be able to move back into in Nov.
The weird thing is I still love him but feel totally betrayed, hurt & angry that he is still not owning up to what he is doing. Not about the affair, not about the prostiutes. I bet he's told his son & family that we just couldn't get on.
The idea of a sugar daddy fits, he's bought her rings, sent flowers, taken her away to resorts, paid for massages ( that's kinda ironic!) & according to the emails i read have plans for more overseas travel.
It is hard to walk out but what is the alternative? Stay & watch him do this to me? How could I ever know if he's stopped going to prostitues. Part of me wants to tell his family so thay might intervene to help him, but that's just me still looking after him. I need to look after myself. He has no friends. I have many who have offered me comfort & many places to stay. I have my niece & nephew visiting this weekend so I asked him to stay away. He has to go a hotel, no one to stay with & the shame would stop him staying with his family, who are traditional Chinese & I know will give him a hard time. I have worked hard to develop a good realtionship with his son too. SHould I speak with his 1st wife to see if this is a pattern or let that go & concentrate on my own life?
Regardless of whether this is a pattern or not, he has paid big bucks to please this other woman. And once confronted, still went out the next day with her. That means that his remorse was nothing more but a manipulative way to have you unsuspecting about what he was going to do the next day. False remorse is all it was. Nothing more.

If you have support systems and a way to separate from him, I would say do it. You already gave him the chance to show remorse and he ignored that. He can have his special secret life of fantasy. You can have a second chance at life.

If you are willing to leave him, then I would say, go stay in your other house, move on, and get a lawyer to give you legal advice.
 
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Sorry. He has no remorse. He went anyway. He gives sh!t. It's all lip service.
Talk to a lawyer yesterday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He has lived in the "west" since he's been 16 so no excuses there. I am a white australian.
Off to the doctor asap.
I have so many revenge fantasies but i think it'll only be bad for me to do anything like out him to his son or family. At least not the prostitute angle, maybe just the cheating. It's a double life. I feel like i'm in a crazy movie. someone took control of my life. How can this be happening to me? Will I be believed?
How can I trust a man again?
 

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He has lived in the "west" since he's been 16 so no excuses there. I am a white australian.
Off to the doctor asap.
I have so many revenge fantasies but i think it'll only be bad for me to do anything like out him to his son or family. At least not the prostitute angle, maybe just the cheating. It's a double life. I feel like i'm in a crazy movie. someone took control of my life. How can this be happening to me? Will I be believed?
How can I trust a man again?
You have to talk to someone about what your H has done. If you hide everything, and ignore it, he will just keep feeling unashamed with what he's doing. It would help him snap out of it if anything. If those you tell do not believe you, then shame on them. and they are just as bad as your H.

I know what that "Jerry Springer" kind of a life feels like. It sucks. It feels like the walls have come crashing down. What you have to realize is, this stuff does happen, and to good people. But you can't let it take over your life. You have to take action now.

I always ask myself if there are men out there who can be faithful at all costs....I'm sure there must be. Not everyone is like your H or mine.

Because your H doesn't seem to have any remorse what-so-ever, and is continuing this lifestyle, I would recommend getting a lawyer, and filing for D. Otherwise, you will be living with this man the rest of your life, while he pays for other women to meet him...risking your health and well-being.
 

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He has lived in the "west" since he's been 16 so no excuses there. I am a white australian.
Off to the doctor asap.
I have so many revenge fantasies but i think it'll only be bad for me to do anything like out him to his son or family. At least not the prostitute angle, maybe just the cheating. It's a double life. I feel like i'm in a crazy movie. someone took control of my life. How can this be happening to me? Will I be believed?
How can I trust a man again?
You sound like you are still in denial that this is actually happening to you. especially the "prostitution angle."
You need to get it out of your system.
Consider what you have sacrificed and lost and,

Tell everybody EVERYTHING!
 

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From what I've seen on TV, these sugar babies actually think their sugar daddy's are vile and putrid. They have no respect for them. I can't imagine giving my hard earned money to someone like that. I couldn't imagine taking that money away from a loving wife and a son even if I had money to burn....

Sorry you're going through this OP. Seek comfort in those that care for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
i have left, i left the night i had my suspicions confirmed
every day things seem a little easier, i have a lot of friends & my family support me. I know he is alone except for his son who is 17 & moving into life as an adult. I have stopped contact, not seen him since i left, answering emails as briefly as possible. I don't want to go back to the house even but will need to get some stuff ( more clothes) & then eventually when I have my own home back in Nov to get my furniture. The grief comes in waves. Work is good as I enjoy it & am busy, at night i stay with friends & got to bed early as I am exhausted. Reading a book about this. Can anyone recommend anything to read to help me but this stuff into perspective??
Things can only get better i reckon!!
 
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