Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 42 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for only 6 months. We have 2 kids from previous marriages, the same age. We are in our late 30's. He recently told me quit my job due to me going back to school full-time. He said I would not have enough time for school, and him and the kids if I worked also. There was a guy at my work that was hitting on me and causing problems with me. I thought I could talk to my husband about it but it backfired and he told me to quit because of him and my school. He also has to know where I am going all the time. He gets upset if I dont meet him at the door when he comes home from work, just weird things like that. We have always had our fianances separate, but we did our taxes and he had it put in his account and keep it. 6000 of it was mine from school loans. I feel I should get it and told him, he said he would write me a check and never did, he said he would keep it in his account now that I dont have a job, that he will save it so I can live off it til I get my degree in a year and get another job. Sorry this is long, but I am confused as to "what" his motivation really is. I did quit my job because I did not need it, and I do need to focus on school right now. So it wasnt cause of him. But he is being very weird lately.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Thanks for the reply. I told him I could just get another job, but he was not going for that. It was a real battle to even put in my two weeks. I worked with disabled adults so it was usually just me and this guy working alone. And he knew I was married and no I did not act on his actions. He is also married. He would just say comments to me like "damn your ass looks good" or he would drop something and ask me to pick it up. Once I was bending over a bed and he bent over against me. Stuff like that. My husband has met him and is very intimiated by him, he is a very good looking guy. But so is my husband. I have NO interest in the guy at all. As far as my money, I know if I bring it up it is just going to cause more problems. He said before "you are so worried about your money". Well yea I am! As is he! We have separate accounts for a reason. Why is he all of a sudden taking over my money? I dont get it. And why is he getting so controlling??? I wanted to go to the mall last night ot get some yoga pants for the gym, and he took my keys. He said "no. we'll go friday on my day off".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
166 Posts
How long did you date him before you married? I see some huge red flags here. It sounds to me like he is trying to control you. If you have no money, you can't leave right? Please get another job, or your $6k back. Please don't get into a situation where you CANT leave if you have to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We dated for about a year. Wow- I hope thats not his intentions. I really didnt see any red flags like this when we were dating. He was great. All his ex's cheated on him, so I know he is scarred from that. He is very insecure when it comes to me and other guys. He always checks my cell and asked me about numbers on there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
572 Posts
He said I would not have enough time for school, and him and the kids if I worked also
He also has to know where I am going all the time. He gets upset if I dont meet him at the door when he comes home from work
we did our taxes and he had it put in his account and keep it. 6000 of it was mine from school loans. I feel I should get it and told him, he said he would write me a check and never did, he said he would keep it in his account now that I dont have a job
I wanted to go to the mall last night ot get some yoga pants for the gym, and he took my keys. He said "no. we'll go friday on my day off".
Does he 'let' you go out with friends? How does he handle when you go to school? Does he check your phone and computer a lot? Did you ever find out what happened to end his previous marriage?

The statements above are what I picked out of your two posts that I see as red flags in his behavior. I don't know if I would worry so much about why he doing what he is doing, but more about what he is doing. I suspect that as things go forward, you will see him trying to isolate you more and more from family & friends, job, and people in general. This is classic abuser behavior to separate you from the world and keep you subjugated. You are a grown woman, you don't 'need' him to go to the mall with you.

I would keep a wary eye on him and his behavior. Abusers only get worse, they rarely get better. Keep your finances separate and have a plan in case things go south.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
166 Posts
Does he 'let' you go out with friends? How does he handle when you go to school? Does he check your phone and computer a lot? Did you ever find out what happened to end his previous marriage?

The statements above are what I picked out of your two posts that I see as red flags in his behavior. I don't know if I would worry so much about why he doing what he is doing, but more about what he is doing. I suspect that as things go forward, you will see him trying to isolate you more and more from family & friends, job, and people in general. This is classic abuser behavior to separate you from the world and keep you subjugated. You are a grown woman, you don't 'need' him to go to the mall with you.

I would keep a wary eye on him and his behavior. Abusers only get worse, they rarely get better. Keep your finances separate and have a plan in case things go south.
Please take the above seriously...I have seen friends go thru this..before you know it you CANT DO ANYTHING on your own or without permission...and are penniless...I so hope we are wrong but the above from you states it differently
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
387 Posts
I wanted to go to the mall last night ot get some yoga pants for the gym, and he took my keys. He said "no. we'll go friday on my day off".
You allowed him to take your keys away.

You lose, he wins.

Ever think about saying "Give me my damn keys back right now as well as that check for $6000!"

He may be acting weird and controlling for whatever reasons, but you're enabling it.

You're as much to blame as he is.

Expect it to get much worse unless YOU change.

Oh, and go get another job, you DO need it. Why you put up with sexual harassment from that other guy and not press charges is beyond me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
I also see red flags here. A controlling person will also find reasons to dislike your family or friends and demand you end contact with those people, so they can get you in the most vunerable place, make you feel like you have no one to turn to, no where to go, then they will verbally abuse you make you feel like you are nothing without them; They are your savior! Watch for this to happen as well
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
I would be very very worried around this control freak. How dare he tell you that you cannot go to the mall. Who the h*ll does he think he is? Then he takes your keys? No way is this OK. Every time he pulls one of these stunts, and you back off when he gets upset, your self esteem goes down a notch, which is his intention.

If he wants to keep you, he needs to trust you. He gets upset when you ask for YOUR money back? Then he blameshifts and makes it like you're the wrong one? Get that money back. You're going to need it when you high-tail it out of there.

Get a job. He doesn't like it? Tough. You need to be independent because that is exactly what he is trying to remove from you - your independence. He wants you to depend on him for everything, and then you'd better listen to what he says or he'll blow a gasket. This is not the way a healthy marriage is.

You want to know what his motivation is? It's to control your every waking breathing moment. It's sick.

It's time for you to get angry and tell him that his behavior is a threat to your marriage and if he doesn't give you back your money and lay off the control and the anger over not complying with his rules, then you're going to walk. You have a kid at stake here. No kid wants to see their parent treated this way.

And if he gets angry at you for saying this, or tells you that you are causing his anger and you deserve it, then pack up right then and there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,564 Posts
I know guys like this. Insecure and controlling. They do not want their women bettering themselves and having options. Chances are he would have had you quitting your job and dropping out of school regardless of whatever reasons he gave you. He is putting you in a position where you have to rely almost exclusively on him and he will want to keep it that way. Period. It is not uncommon for men like that to become abusive when their sig other starts to be assertive or stand up for themselves. Be careful. These aren't the type of men who can be reasoned with or talked to about their controlling behavior. He'll put most or all of the blame on you for how he acts if you try.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
No he doesnt let me go out with friends unless he goes with me. So I dont even really talk to my friends anymore. All his ex's cheated on him. Thats what ended his last marriage. I did go to the mall today when he was at work. I texted him while I was there and told him. He was fine with it. So thats what confuses me. He is fine today, but last night took my keys away. My mind is going crazy!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
387 Posts
No he doesnt let me go out with friends unless he goes with me. So I dont even really talk to my friends anymore. All his ex's cheated on him. Thats what ended his last marriage. I did go to the mall today when he was at work. I texted him while I was there and told him. He was fine with it. So thats what confuses me. He is fine today, but last night took my keys away. My mind is going crazy!
Again, how does he "not let you" go out?

Does he restrain you in some fashion, using ropes, chains, or handcuffs?

Does he barricade the doors?

Or is his hold on you completely psychological on you?

Of course, the last question is rhetorical. Let's now take it a step further. Since he has no physical way of stopping you from going out, how is he able to manipulate you to do as he says?

Are you afraid of him? Has he been, or does he have the potential to be violent with you?

If so, there are things that can be done to protect you.

If not, the next time you want to go somewhere, just freaking GO and if he has a problem with it that's too bad!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Again, how does he "not let you" go out?

Does he restrain you in some fashion, using ropes, chains, or handcuffs?

Does he barricade the doors?

Or is his hold on you completely psychological on you?

Of course, the last question is rhetorical. Let's now take it a step further. Since he has no physical way of stopping you from going out, how is he able to manipulate you to do as he says?

Are you afraid of him? Has he been, or does he have the potential to be violent with you?

If so, there are things that can be done to protect you.

If not, the next time you want to go somewhere, just freaking GO and if he has a problem with it that's too bad!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well I can't leave if he has the keys. He did give me a check today for my money out of the blue. So that was good. He is so confusing.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
387 Posts
Well I can't leave if he has the keys.
Every car comes with 2 sets of keys. If you haven't lost a set, there's one for you and one for him. It's probably safe to assume that there are other keys on the ring that are for your own personal use as well such as house keys, that sort of thing.

Tell him to give you back your set of car keys because they are your own personal property and he does not have the right to take them away from you. Insist on it until he does exactly that. That way, you have your keys and he cannot stop you from getting in your car and going wherever you want to go.

I know, you're wondering why you never thought of that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Just an update cause I know you all have been wondering;) SOOO I did not get a check back for my money. Instead he decided to keep it and come up with the excuse that he will know pay all the bills elcetricolliy with it out of his account so it will be "easier" on me so all I need to do is focus on school and the family. So noe the only money I have coming in is my kids child support which isnt alot. And the other night he flipped on me cause I wore a tank top to the gym to work out and asked me who was there, I told him the truth, me and one other guy. (its a 24 hour gym) and he said from now on if I go that late he has to go with me!!! WTH!! I just turned 40! what guy is gonna jump me???? lol I am really getting sick of it. I just dont know what to do about it, I am hoping he will stop. But it doesnt look like it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
If you have separate finances,don't let him save anything for you,demand that he gives you your money.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I know I know!! I just dont know how to bring it up to him now that he went to the bank and switched his account over to do all this electronic crap. I didnt even ask him to. I thought he was going to write me a check for my money- next thing I know he sits down and says- "well this is whats going to happen". So now I have to go and tell him I want my money? When he is trying to do whats best for us in his mind? Ugh.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
Yes,if you back down now then this is just a start of actions like this where he treats you like a child who can't think for herself.He is thinking about himself not "us".If he was all about "us" then he wouldn't want separate finances.
 
1 - 20 of 42 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top