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No he hasn’t quit, he did stop drinking liquor when our son was born and recently admitted he’s an alcoholic. He says he doesn’t want to stop drinking though, but that he will cut down to a six pack a day.

Yeah his story just has never sat right with me when he told me. He says he wish he never told me and that if problems within our marriage didn’t happen then he would have never told me. He told me because he wanted me to feel pain.
So what are your next steps? What are your going to do to get your life back from him?
 

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He says he wish he never told me and that if problems within our marriage didn’t happen then he would have never told me. He told me because he wanted me to feel pain.
Intentionally inflicting pain upon someone to cause distress is the very definition of abuse.

Not only is he a career drunk, a cheater and a liar, he is also an abuser.

Remind us again why you are even with him in the first place?
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 · (Edited)
So what are your next steps? What are your going to do to get your life back from him?
I’m going to explain to him that maybe if he had told me back then that I would have believed his his story. That because he told me years later in the face of our recent problems, lied to my face for years (I’ve even asked him a couple of times if he cheated and he always said no), and still remained “friends” or at least didn’t stop any real contact with her. He also hasn’t shown any real remorse for what he did because he says it’s rape so in his mind he doesn’t need to feel bad for that. Also the fact that he knows he has a problem and while he’s he has gotten better since our son was born, he’s admitted he has a problem, he still does not want to stop drinking.

I feel like our marriage was completely built on a lie. This was the beginning of our problems and miscommunication that affected our relationship for years. Since he was able to so easily lie to me I don’t know I can trust him or believe anything he tells me.

Right now unfortunately we are in a weird situation. He made me quit my job in my career with no job prospects in a new State where I have no experience. All because he wrongly accused me of infidelity (never had cheated or even considered it) and he didn’t like where we were living at the time (but honestly it was covid, no one was happy staying at home). Since I didn’t find a job in the new state, we decided to stay with my father until I could nail down a job. In any area with no contacts or work experience it takes time. I was able to find a job actually but he made me turn it down because it involved traveling and other reasons. Now I’m working in a restaurant just so I can do something/make money until I can find something else. He bought a truck that needs so he’s fixing that up.
Part of me still loves him and wishes to work it out somehow, but with everything you all have brought up and my distrust of him, I don’t see how it could work again. If it ever really did in the first place.
 

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If your marriage is going to work, it will only be after he puts in an enormous amount of effort. Since the marriage doesn't rate as much effort as his truck does, it's not going to happen.

The job market is hot as fire right now. There's a good job out there for you. Where I am, businesses are closing early because they don't have enough employees. A major supplier in Texas is taking eight days to ship orders that normally ship by the end of the day. Wendy's is offering a $500 signup bonus for $15 per hour employees. Don't fall into the trap of no jobs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
If your marriage is going to work, it will only be after he puts in an enormous amount of effort. Since the marriage doesn't rate as much effort as his truck does, it's not going to happen.

The job market is hot as fire right now. There's a good job out there for you. Where I am, businesses are closing early because they don't have enough employees. A major supplier in Texas is taking eight days to ship orders that normally ship by the end of the day. Wendy's is offering a $500 signup bonus for $15 per hour employees. Don't fall into the trap of no jobs.
Oh I know, that’s why I took a restaurant job, I’ll work fewer hours while making good money so I’ll be able to save up. I’ll find a job in my career, it’ll just take some time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I thought about giving him an ultimatum. Through out our problems he has given me two different ultimatums, which he has taken back. First one was have a baby or break up, I chose break up. Second was my career or him, I chose my career. I don’t respond to ultimatums think they’re stupid and not constructive. So I’ll give him one, drinking or me. And that he has to take some kind of alcohol class (he refused AA) and then prove he has been sober for at least six months. Then I’ll think about maki it work out. I feel like that is completely reasonable since his drinking has caused so many problems and pain throughout our marriage.
 

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And that he has to take some kind of alcohol class (he refused AA) and then prove he has been sober for at least six months. Then I’ll think about making it work out.
You don't take his ultimatums, but you're expecting him to take yours?

Six months is not long enough. "Some kind of alcohol class" is way too generic. I'm not a big fan of AA, but they're better than nothing, and they do work for some people.

Spend the time convincing yourself that you're fighting a losing battle. You might win, but I doubt it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 · (Edited)
You don't take his ultimatums, but you're expecting him to take yours?

Six months is not long enough. "Some kind of alcohol class" is way too generic. I'm not a big fan of AA, but they're better than nothing, and they do work for some people.

Spend the time convincing yourself that you're fighting a losing battle. You might win, but I doubt it.
That’s a good point.
 

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One thing you need to understand about addicts (alcohol IS a drug) is that their brains simply do not function in a normal and healthy manner and they are truly physiologically incapable of thinking, behaving, feeling or responding the way a healthy, clean, sober person would.

Talk means absolutely nothing. What you say to them and what they say to you means nothing. They are not fully functional as human beings.

And that is not just when they are drunk or have chemicals in them at that time. Even if they are chemical free, it takes many months or even YEARS for the brain to recovery and heal, and even then they may never be fully functional even if they never take another sip again.

He's not a normal, healthy, functioning human being so nothing that a normal, sober person would do or think or say matters.

He is defective.
 

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I thought about giving him an ultimatum. Through out our problems he has given me two different ultimatums, which he has taken back. First one was have a baby or break up, I chose break up. Second was my career or him, I chose my career. I don’t respond to ultimatums think they’re stupid and not constructive. So I’ll give him one, drinking or me. And that he has to take some kind of alcohol class (he refused AA) and then prove he has been sober for at least six months. Then I’ll think about maki it work out. I feel like that is completely reasonable since his drinking has caused so many problems and pain throughout our marriage.
Ultimatums are pointless, he needs consequences for his actions. Don’t give him the option.

If he wants to stay married he will: Join an intensive alcohol recovery program, get IC, admit his cheating and tell you the truth about it, separate from you for a year, be completely sober during that year, be gainfully employed and make decent money

In one year you will evaluate his progress and decide whether you want to enter marriage counseling to discuss boundaries and requirements for your new marriage including working through the cheating. He will never drink again if he wants to be married to you.

Honestly I don’t understand how you could want a life with this guy but if you insist, it should be on the terms he be a healthy and functioning adult. Not your adult entitled child you have to care for. It sounds like you have a codependent relationship. I highly doubt he would do any of the requirements above but don’t you think you deserve at LEAST a normally functioning person to be married to??? As far as protecting your kid...I’m sure they’ve seen the worst from their father already if a 6 pack per day is “cutting back”. And likely have seen a lot of enabling from you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
Ultimatums are pointless, he needs consequences for his actions. Don’t give him the option.

If he wants to stay married he will: Join an intensive alcohol recovery program, get IC, admit his cheating and tell you the truth about it, separate from you for a year, be completely sober during that year, be gainfully employed and make decent money

In one year you will evaluate his progress and decide whether you want to enter marriage counseling to discuss boundaries and requirements for your new marriage including working through the cheating. He will never drink again if he wants to be married to you.

Honestly I don’t understand how you could want a life with this guy but if you insist, it should be on the terms he be a healthy and functioning adult. Not your adult entitled child you have to care for. It sounds like you have a codependent relationship. I highly doubt he would do any of the requirements above but don’t you think you deserve at LEAST a normally functioning person to be married to??? As far as protecting your kid...I’m sure they’ve seen the worst from their father already if a 6 pack per day is “cutting back”. And likely have seen a lot of enabling from you.
Yes I admit I have enabled him and I take responsibility towards that. I think you’re right if he wants to be with me then he simply cannot drink anymore and has to take the steps to stop drinking and be sober and until that happens there can’t be an us anymore.
 

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Yes I admit I have enabled him and I take responsibility towards that. I think you’re right if he wants to be with me then he simply cannot drink anymore and has to take the steps to stop drinking and be sober and until that happens there can’t be an us anymore.
@QuietRiot just posted all you need to know. Are you going to take her advice?
 

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Yes I am, I just can’t believe what he’s trying to sell. I need to be smarter than that and make sure that my son is taken care of first and foremost.
I hope so, your kid and you don’t deserve this kind of life and you aren’t doing your husband any favors by staying. You do realize enabling his behavior is destructive to all of you? If nothing else care about your kid enough to remove them from this toxic situation.
 

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If your marriage is going to work, it will only be after he puts in an enormous amount of effort. Since the marriage doesn't rate as much effort as his truck does, it's not going to happen.

The job market is hot as fire right now. There's a good job out there for you. Where I am, businesses are closing early because they don't have enough employees. A major supplier in Texas is taking eight days to ship orders that normally ship by the end of the day. Wendy's is offering a $500 signup bonus for $15 per hour employees. Don't fall into the trap of no jobs.
I have to argue against this advise because even if he were to miraculously change his cheating and (coming from a man even) controlling ways, and lying ways——— she’s still left with an alcoholic that says he doesn’t want to stop and will “cut down to a six pack a day”.

This guy is not a suitable partner for anyone.

reaoectfully,jmo
 

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I have to argue against this advise
Here's what I said:

"If your marriage is going to work, it will only be after he puts in an enormous amount of effort. Since the marriage doesn't rate as much effort as his truck does, it's not going to happen."

What are you arguing against? "It's not going to happen"?
 

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Please don’t fall into the trap of giving him an opportunity to fix the alcoholism and then take him back. He’s not. I don’t know what the statistics are but I would expect fewer than 1% fix it permanently. And an addict is always an addict. Yes, he might fix that problem.
But you need to MOVE ON. It will take a long time to get this guy out of your system. Fixing the alcohol (which he clearly stated he didn’t want to do and YOU can’t want it for him) won’t fix his lying, cheating, controlling ways.
He’s a black cloud. Anyone near him as a partner is going to get constantly rained on.
Please just make up your mind to end this and start your life over. You sound like a woman who could be successful and attract a good man if you just get your emotions for a cheating, controlling, lying drunkard out of your way. And yes, I said that again because you need to hear what he really is.
Here's what I said:

"If your marriage is going to work, it will only be after he puts in an enormous amount of effort. Since the marriage doesn't rate as much effort as his truck does, it's not going to happen."

What are you arguing against? "It's not going to happen"?
sorry. I misread. You are absolutely correct—- it’s not going to happen.
 

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Please don’t fall into the trap of giving him an opportunity to fix the alcoholism and then take him back. He’s not. I don’t know what the statistics are but I would expect fewer than 1% fix it permanently. And an addict is always an addict. Yes, he might fix that problem.
But you need to MOVE ON. It will take a long time to get this guy out of your system. Fixing the alcohol (which he clearly stated he didn’t want to do and YOU can’t want it for him) won’t fix his lying, cheating, controlling ways.
He’s a black cloud. Anyone near him as a partner is going to get constantly rained on.
Please just make up your mind to end this and start your life over. You sound like a woman who could be successful and attract a good man if you just get your emotions for a cheating, controlling, lying drunkard out of your way. And yes, I said that again because you need to hear what he really is.

sorry. I misread. You are absolutely correct—- it’s not going to happen.
I would bet money on him never fixing any of his problems. But I don’t think the OP will let him go either. Maybe she would if she feels that she’s given him the opportunity to meet the fantasy version of this relationship that’s in her head.

A codependent person is almost never going to pick up and leave, even when it’s best. That’s the most difficult part of all of this. If she left, his drinking will probably increase, he will fall to pieces, and she will run back to “fix” him. Using excuses like: I love him, he needs me, he will die/be homeless/go to jail if I don’t help him. He is my kids father. So on so forth.

I should have also added OP, you need IC. You have to build your own strength and resilience. I think by the time you’ve gotten some space and time from your H you may realize you can let him go... but you don’t need to be replacing him with a new “fixer upper”.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 · (Edited)
I would bet money on him never fixing any of his problems. But I don’t think the OP will let him go either. Maybe she would if she feels that she’s given him the opportunity to meet the fantasy version of this relationship that’s in her head.

A codependent person is almost never going to pick up and leave, even when it’s best. That’s the most difficult part of all of this. If she left, his drinking will probably increase, he will fall to pieces, and she will run back to “fix” him. Using excuses like: I love him, he needs me, he will die/be homeless/go to jail if I don’t help him. He is my kids father. So on so forth.

I should have also added OP, you need IC. You have to build your own strength and resilience. I think by the time you’ve gotten some space and time from your H you may realize you can let him go... but you don’t need to be replacing him with a new “fixer upper”.
I can let him go and yes I’m scared to be a single mother, but I was extremely independent before him and I can be after. Also it’s hard to let go when you thought he was the one. I realize now that no he is not, I’m not responsible for fixing anyone, I’m too old for that ****. I deserve better and so does my son.
 

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I will let him go, yes I’m scared to be a single mother, but I was extremely independent before him and I can be after. Also it’s hard to let go when you’ve deceived yourself into believing he was “the one for me”. I realize now that no he is not, I’m not responsible for fixing anyone, I’m too old for that ****. I deserve better and so does my son.
Absolutely agree, you can and should do better. The fear is normal, but I’m willing to bet you are essentially a single mother as it is. It would probably be easier for you to parent just your kid and not your husband as well.
 
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