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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When my husband and I first got together, he had a bad drinking problem, especially with liquor. He basically would become a different person and not remember what would happen or what what said. This was kind of one of those times. I was across the country packing and planning a move across country to be with him. He went out bar hopping got really drunk and this is what he remembers from that night.

At one bar, he ended up running into a girl that he had hooked up with various times before me. She had this whole sob story about she had just gotten an abortion and needed to be around someone. My husband bought the story and brought her over to his place. He told her in his words, explicitly that he was not interested in anything sexual or flirtatious as he was very much in love with me and wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She said that’s fine and that she understands and they fell asleep in the same bed. Mind you he is so drunk during this interaction, he blacks out and doesn’t remember anything else. That is until he “wakes up/sobers” from the organism that she forced on him. He doesn’t remember consenting or even the sex, only waking up from the organism with her mounting him. He yells at her calls her a rapist, she even almost has the cops called on her from the amount on yelling and drama she was causing. He promises that he never was in contact with her again really other than random messages she would send but he would not respond, he stayed friends with her on social media because he says he was afraid that she would go “apeshit crazy on his pregnant on his pregnant wife”.

He never told me about this until 3 years later. I confronted her and asked if he was telling the truth. I didn’t really think that a rapist would actually admit to it but I wanted to hear what she would have to say. As soon as I contacted her she took a screen shot and sent it to my husband, then blocked me. She claims to him that she doesn’t remember that night at all. We have been having problems and he actually talked **** about me to her (mostly because he says he was angry that I insinuated that he lied) and even accepted sympathy from her for our marriage problems. He says he regrets this and apologized and sends her a message saying what she did was rape plain and simple and that he was blocking her.

Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand I’m angry at the woman because I want to believe him and she is a rapist. I do believe men can be raped and from what he describes it IS rape. The part that I’m having a problem with though is that he invited an ex over to comfort her, sleep in the same bed as her, but then claims he is “loyal as ****”, which the comfort part and sleeping in the same bed really isn’t being loyal. When he’s that drunk he doesn’t remember things, what if he DID consent? But if that’s the case then that isn’t consent really. I’m so confused.
 

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So we're supposed to believe that a guy who is blacked out drunk is able to have an erection, get mounted by a woman, and only wakes up when he's having an orgasm? This story is one of the most bizarre ones I have ever heard.

You will probably not find much help here. There was a similar story recently, and most of the posters decided that when a guy is blacked out drunk and has an affair, he needs to be forgiven. After all, the poor guy didn't know what he was doing. How could he possibly have resisted?

A few of us don't buy that ********. He chose to drink, he chose the consequences.

Believe what you want. You're the one who's stuck with the consequences. You need to realize, though, that you deserve MUCH better.
 

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Whatever she did or didn't do, he choose to go barhopping, he choose to drink too much, he choose to take a women home, he choose to sleep in the bed with her and so on.
In your place I would say that you want him to take a lie detector test and if he refuses there is your answer. He may well be trying to minimise what happened.
 

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When my husband and I first got together, he had a bad drinking problem, especially with liquor. He basically would become a different person and not remember what would happen or what what said. This was kind of one of those times. I was across the country packing and planning a move across country to be with him. He went out bar hopping got really drunk and this is what he remembers from that night.

At one bar, he ended up running into a girl that he had hooked up with various times before me. She had this whole sob story about she had just gotten an abortion and needed to be around someone. My husband bought the story and brought her over to his place. He told her in his words, explicitly that he was not interested in anything sexual or flirtatious as he was very much in love with me and wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She said that’s fine and that she understands and they fell asleep in the same bed. Mind you he is so drunk during this interaction, he blacks out and doesn’t remember anything else. That is until he “wakes up/sobers” from the organism that she forced on him. He doesn’t remember consenting or even the sex, only waking up from the organism with her mounting him. He yells at her calls her a rapist, she even almost has the cops called on her from the amount on yelling and drama she was causing. He promises that he never was in contact with her again really other than random messages she would send but he would not respond, he stayed friends with her on social media because he says he was afraid that she would go “apeshit crazy on his pregnant on his pregnant wife”.

He never told me about this until 3 years later. I confronted her and asked if he was telling the truth. I didn’t really think that a rapist would actually admit to it but I wanted to hear what she would have to say. As soon as I contacted her she took a screen shot and sent it to my husband, then blocked me. She claims to him that she doesn’t remember that night at all. We have been having problems and he actually talked **** about me to her (mostly because he says he was angry that I insinuated that he lied) and even accepted sympathy from her for our marriage problems. He says he regrets this and apologized and sends her a message saying what she did was rape plain and simple and that he was blocking her.

Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand I’m angry at the woman because I want to believe him and she is a rapist. I do believe men can be raped and from what he describes it IS rape. The part that I’m having a problem with though is that he invited an ex over to comfort her, sleep in the same bed as her, but then claims he is “loyal as ****”, which the comfort part and sleeping in the same bed really isn’t being loyal. When he’s that drunk he doesn’t remember things, what if he DID consent? But if that’s the case then that isn’t consent really. I’m so confused.
Lost, how long have you and your husband been married? How long were you together with him preceding marriage? Did you see the signs of his drinking problem before you took your vows? Do you have any children with him? Has there been any suspicious activity since your wedding?

For starters, your husband is lying. Were you there? Did you see this with your own eyes? Or are you going completely on his word about the event? The problem started with him even talking to an "ex" without you present. It became cheating when he invited her back home. Sorry, just calling a spade, "A SPADE". Because at that point, he knew what was going to happen.

So now, you have to weigh your situation and decide what you are going to do about it, because he isn't going to do anything. If you have been married for decades and have children together, this becomes a much more difficult prospect (emotionally, logistically, legally, financially). But, if you all have only been married a year or two and have no children, then you need to get out ASAP! Your marriage is built on a lie.

What if you all have children and 5 or 6 years down the road, he gets blinding drunk again, and wakes up with a girl in his bed and a strange rash on his genitals? You see where I am going with this? Your husband is a loose cannon with his drinking and you (and any children that you have) are the potential collateral damage. I am sorry that you are here with this sh!tty problem, but you are at the right place for help!
 

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When my husband and I first got together, he had a bad drinking problem, especially with liquor. He basically would become a different person and not remember what would happen or what what said. This was kind of one of those times. I was across the country packing and planning a move across country to be with him. He went out bar hopping got really drunk and this is what he remembers from that night.

At one bar, he ended up running into a girl that he had hooked up with various times before me. She had this whole sob story about she had just gotten an abortion and needed to be around someone. My husband bought the story and brought her over to his place. He told her in his words, explicitly that he was not interested in anything sexual or flirtatious as he was very much in love with me and wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She said that’s fine and that she understands and they fell asleep in the same bed. Mind you he is so drunk during this interaction, he blacks out and doesn’t remember anything else. That is until he “wakes up/sobers” from the organism that she forced on him. He doesn’t remember consenting or even the sex, only waking up from the organism with her mounting him. He yells at her calls her a rapist, she even almost has the cops called on her from the amount on yelling and drama she was causing. He promises that he never was in contact with her again really other than random messages she would send but he would not respond, he stayed friends with her on social media because he says he was afraid that she would go “apeshit crazy on his pregnant on his pregnant wife”.

He never told me about this until 3 years later. I confronted her and asked if he was telling the truth. I didn’t really think that a rapist would actually admit to it but I wanted to hear what she would have to say. As soon as I contacted her she took a screen shot and sent it to my husband, then blocked me. She claims to him that she doesn’t remember that night at all. We have been having problems and he actually talked **** about me to her (mostly because he says he was angry that I insinuated that he lied) and even accepted sympathy from her for our marriage problems. He says he regrets this and apologized and sends her a message saying what she did was rape plain and simple and that he was blocking her.

Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand I’m angry at the woman because I want to believe him and she is a rapist. I do believe men can be raped and from what he describes it IS rape. The part that I’m having a problem with though is that he invited an ex over to comfort her, sleep in the same bed as her, but then claims he is “loyal as ****”, which the comfort part and sleeping in the same bed really isn’t being loyal. When he’s that drunk he doesn’t remember things, what if he DID consent? But if that’s the case then that isn’t consent really. I’m so confused.
Total bs story and you’re naive if you believe it. Men who love their wives don’t invite women that they’ve hooked up with in the past over to their pad (or any other women) It’s insulting in my opinion that he thinks you will believe this.
If you are even considering the word of an admitted liar and drunkard on a story this preposterous, you are allowing yourself to be gaslit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Lost, how long have you and your husband been married? How long were you together with him preceding marriage? Did you see the signs of his drinking problem before you took your vows? Do you have any children with him? Has there been any suspicious activity since your wedding?

For starters, your husband is lying. Were you there? Did you see this with your own eyes? Or are you going completely on his word about the event? The problem started with him even talking to an "ex" without you present. It became cheating when he invited her back home. Sorry, just calling a spade, "A SPADE". Because at that point, he knew what was going to happen.

So now, you have to weigh your situation and decide what you are going to do about it, because he isn't going to do anything. If you have been married for decades and have children together, this becomes a much more difficult prospect (emotionally, logistically, legally, financially). But, if you all have only been married a year or two and have no children, then you need to get out ASAP! Your marriage is built on a lie.

What if you all have children and 5 or 6 years down the road, he gets blinding drunk again, and wakes up with a girl in his bed and a strange rash on his genitals? You see where I am going with this? Your husband is a loose cannon with his drinking and you (and any children that you have) are the potential collateral damage. I am sorry that you are here with this sh!tty problem, but you are at the right place for help!
We’ve been married for 3 1/2 years. We started talking and dating online 6 months before I moved to be with him, though we had been acquaintance for years and had met before. During the move he met me half way to help me and during that time I became pregnant. We married 2 months after I found out I was pregnant, I proposed. I think I was scared to be alone and pregnant and I was very in love with him.

I knew he drank but he always downplayed how it really was. He did admit in discussions before I moved that he had dui’s, but each happened proceeding the death of a parent. So I attributed it to grief rather than a problem.

During my pregnancy he did still drink liquor and what not. I was pregnant and we were living in Florida. Bars there are mostly smoking so I could never/refused to go, but he would always make me drive him and pick him up from bars. He did stop drinking liquor once our son was born and recently admitted that he is an alcoholic and is trying to take steps to cut down further.

Yes I’ve always had some suspicions and some weird feelings. He’s very affectionate when drunk around me and I always wondered if he was like that towards other women when I wasn’t around. He claims no and would make it clear he was married if that situation ever occurred.

He’s apologized for having her come over and sleeping in the same bed, but claims he was just trying to be a good guy. He says that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t think I would believe him. He also thinks I shouldn’t be as upset as I am because he was taken advantage of and that he was a different person before our son was born and he stopped drinking liquor. This entire story comes directly from him, he says no one else knew.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Whatever she did or didn't do, he choose to go barhopping, he choose to drink too much, he choose to take a women home, he choose to sleep in the bed with her and so on.
In your place I would say that you want him to take a lie detector test and if he refuses there is your answer. He may well be trying to minimise what happened.
I actually brought that up, saying everything was his choice up to the rape, he could have said no screw off at any point, go sleep on the couch, etc. He very adamant that he pushed her away continuously throughout the night and nothing was going to happen.

I even said this was a woman that you had been with before, can you honestly say you didn’t expect/want that to happen? He got upset and brought up my own rape where where I wanted it to stop in the middle but I couldn’t because he had his hand over my mouth, and said shouldn’t you have known that was going to happen, to illustrate his point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Total bs story and you’re naive if you believe it. Men who love their wives don’t invite women that they’ve hooked up with in the past over to their pad (or any other women) It’s insulting in my opinion that he thinks you will believe this.
If you are even considering the word of an admitted liar and drunkard on a story this preposterous, you are allowing yourself to be gaslit.
At the time we weren’t married or even engaged, but I was moved across the country to be with him. That’s why I’m posting this story. It’s so bizarre and I don’t know if I can believe it.
 

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If he’s stopped drinking, and has been a good husband (for how long, btw) and changed, and this happened before you we’re engaged or married, I think it’s worth considering.

but he’s lying to you. And lying is not a good sign. Once again, a man doesn’t let a woman from a bar come home with him, get in the bed with him, and then claim rape. It’s ridiculous.
 

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We’ve been married for 3 1/2 years. We started talking and dating online 6 months before I moved to be with him, though we had been acquaintance for years and had met before. During the move he met me half way to help me and during that time I became pregnant. We married 2 months after I found out I was pregnant, I proposed. I think I was scared to be alone and pregnant and I was very in love with him.

I knew he drank but he always downplayed how it really was. He did admit in discussions before I moved that he had dui’s, but each happened proceeding the death of a parent. So I attributed it to grief rather than a problem.

During my pregnancy he did still drink liquor and what not. I was pregnant and we were living in Florida. Bars there are mostly smoking so I could never/refused to go, but he would always make me drive him and pick him up from bars. He did stop drinking liquor once our son was born and recently admitted that he is an alcoholic and is trying to take steps to cut down further.

Yes I’ve always had some suspicions and some weird feelings. He’s very affectionate when drunk around me and I always wondered if he was like that towards other women when I wasn’t around. He claims no and would make it clear he was married if that situation ever occurred.

He’s apologized for having her come over and sleeping in the same bed, but claims he was just trying to be a good guy. He says that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t think I would believe him. He also thinks I shouldn’t be as upset as I am because he was taken advantage of and that he was a different person before our son was born and he stopped drinking liquor. This entire story comes directly from him, he says no one else knew.
Wow, this sounds like a disaster movie. So, you are married to an alcoholic and a pathetic, terrible liar. He has "admitted that he is an alcoholic and is trying to take steps to cut down further". Um, if he is an alcoholic, he needs to not "cut down", but rather cut it out completely!!!! And his lies border on the insane. I think, deep down, you know you made a MONUMENTAL mistake marrying this man. His drinking is the larger problem. Yes, he cheated on you and you deserve better. But his drinking is going to get somebody killed. You also now have a child to worry about. And he is seeing his dad as a broken down drunk. Kids whom come from families with alcoholics for dads, can become very traumatized by what they witness from drunk parents and it will affect him later in life. Now is the time to protect yourself, and your child. First, you need to get a lawyer and get your affairs in order, legally and financially. Once that has been completed, you need to approach your husband and tell him he needs to get professional help ASAP. At that point, it is up to you to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Just from what you told me, you both got married for ALL of the wrong reasons. Presumably, you are still pretty young and thus, have a long life ahead of you. I would think really hard about whether or not you want to waist it with a lying, cheating drunk.
 

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I actually brought that up, saying everything was his choice up to the “rape”, he could have said no screw off at any point, go sleep on the couch, etc. He very adamant that he pushed her away continuously throughout the night and nothing was going to happen.

I even said this was a woman that you had been with before, can you honestly say you didn’t expect/want that to happen? He got upset and brought up my own rape where where I wanted it to stop in the middle but I couldn’t because he had his hand over my mouth, and said shouldn’t you have known that was going to happen, to illustrate his point.
So he says he had to push her off continuosly all night and still didn't do anything about it? So he knew she wanted sex and still he stayed in the bed?
Wow. Get that lie detector test sorted.
 

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So he says he had to push her off continuosly all night and still didn't do anything about it? So he knew she wanted sex and still he stayed in the bed?
Wow. Get that lie detector test sorted.
Its totally normal for married men to sleep with women who want sex and push them off multiple times while supposedly blackout drunk, and still sleep with them to comfort their emotional distress. He was only thinking of her poor traumatized heart. How kind of him.

I ageee, you are right to point out the pushing her off thing. He knew all along what she wanted and I’ll bet her butt didn’t hit the bed with panties on and they were having sex like wild rabbits immediately.
He was wanting her too. That’s why he started talking to her, that’s why he took her to his home, that’s why they ended up in bed together, that’s why they had sex.
 

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The one thing that identifies his whole story as bulls**t is that he then started communicating with his “rapist” and complaining about you and the marriage.

You have a cheater and a liar and a manipulator on your hands, a person willing to call rape to get out of the cheating, takes zero responsibility and has an easily available side piece whenever he wants her.
 

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Never ever fall into the trap of contacting the other woman.

First of all, they blame her. And then when you get into contact with her, she runs to him straight away and then they blame you, call you crazy, block you, whatever. OW will always send a screenshot and run to your hubby for protection. Ok bad luck, you fell for it. Put the blame back where it belongs and move forward. Shouldn’t he be fighting it out with her if she’s a rapist?

It’s a textbook scenario so the real bad guy is never held accountable and a drama ensues between two other parties. Great way to move the focus elsewhere right?

It’s kind of like domestic violence. The abuser does that whole divide and conquer thing. Eventually all the siblings hate eachother or blame the mother. Abuser sits back and gets away with it all, never held accountable because he’s good at pitting people against eachother.
 

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You do realise this is utterly ridiculous right?

Our ego has this habit of trying to protect itself and so it plays little mind tricks on us in an effort to try to not believe things that are really painful to accept. Things like buying into an utterly nonsensical story that makes absolutely no sense and is for all practical purposes is impossible to occur in the real world.

Rather than accepting that he is just a common jerk that hooked up with some ho one night, you go through mental gymnastics and backflips in an attempt to believe that he was some how fighting for his virtue and fighting to preserve the sanctity of your relationship when in reality he just boned some chick for the hell of it and that was the best kockamamie story his alcohol damaged brain could come up with.

Believing these stupid stories and stupid excuses is a part of codependence.

I suggest you listen to @dadstartingover recent podcast on taking responsibility for your own well being and your own station in life. His material is primarily geared towards men, but his podcast just a few days ago on taking responsibility for yourself and your own best interests. Taking full responsibility means not buying stupid stories and excuses when you know darn well someone is BSing you and it means that choosing to become involved with drunkard means that you are always going to have a life full of chaos and heartache.
 

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If I was with someone that hooked up with somebody else and then gave me that story, I'm not sure what would upset me the most -

- that they hooked up with some skud?

- that they were so stupid that they made up such a ridiculous, nonsensical story (I wouldn't even buy that "rape" story from a woman)

- Or that they thought I was so dumb and gullible that they thought for an instant that I would actually fall for that kockamamie story.

I'm not sure which would piss me off worse.
 

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In the days when I got blackout drunk in my youth, I would be focusing on the world spinning round at an alarming rate when I lay down and not throwing up. In the unlikely event that a woman would think the incoherent, drooling idiot that I would become was an attractive prospect then I am not sure I would be able to perform with that level of alcohol in me.

As I get older, the effects of drinking that heavily have an even greater impact, to the extent that I now have the sense to stop drinking at a certain point because I can no longer deal with the hangovers, feeling like death etc.

That is why I have trouble when people say they were drinking very heavily or were black out drunk as a reason for straying. Having a few drinks that loosen inhibitions, yes but then I would still be able to recognise inappropriate behaviour.

May be it is just me that has this problem (?)
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
He drinks too much!

Has he quit drinking since you married?

He also kept in contact with this gal - so I wouldn’t believe his version of his “story”.
No he hasn’t quit, he did stop drinking liquor when our son was born and recently admitted he’s an alcoholic. He says he doesn’t want to stop drinking though, but that he will cut down to a six pack a day.

He says he wish he never told me and that if problems within our marriage didn’t happen then he would have never told me. He told me because he wanted me to feel pain.
 
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