Hello all,
A few more months down the separation trail. Here's an update, for what it's worth...
At the end of October, my wife took our S4 and headed west. She did so with my permission, if not exactly my blessing. I specifically asked her if she was coming back, and she promised she would return to Ohio at the end of November.
Those of you who know my story probably guessed it...she went to Missouri to be with her family. I jokingly refer to their new home as the "survival compound," because at one point in the last year I was harshly condemned by my wife as uncaring because I wouldn't join her family in their mad dash to become doomsday preppers. I was actually called uncaring because I wouldn't quit my job and move out west.
The plan was for her to see her family for three weeks, and to spend Thanksgiving with them.
Just before leaving for Missouri, her dad (my father-in-law) fell off the roof of the cabin he was finishing and broke his arm. That caused her to want to move her departure up by a week, so she would have a full month to "help out" around the ranch.
Once in Missouri, I was informed that she would need to initiate all the contact between my son and me while they were out there, because "the compound" has spotty cell phone coverage and grandma didn't like to hear the phone ring, so I was not to call there. As it turns out, the contact with my son was very sporadic, only when they went to town on errands and such.
On one such phone call, I was informed that my son would probably say something about the hospital, because my mother-in-law had fallen and broken her wrist while moving into the new cabin.
I also got a text after-the-fact that my son had choked on a piece of candy so badly that he had thrown up. She didn't bother to tell me about this until long after the fact, and then she only obliquely told me he had "gotten sick." It wasn't until I prompted her for more information that she told me he had choked on candy.
A couple of days later, she called to ask me what our health insurance would cover for an emergency room visit. Apparently, she had injured herself somehow with a strap on a shopping cart. It had somehow flipped against her face with enough force to cause severe bruising and force her to stop eating solid food for a few days.
The day after that, she was running an errand in town, had my son call me, and told me it was going to be brief because her parents were coming back from the store soon and "they were in a bad mood." I later told her how disappointing it was that the length of time I was allowed to talk to my son was determined by her parents' mood.
After that call, it was almost 100 hours until I heard his voice again. She did send me a text with his picture and a "Happy Thanksgiving Day, Daddy" message. But I did not get to speak to my son for 96 hours, including a major holiday.
There are several things here that concern me:
(1) She seemed to be limiting my contact with my son, and I was only allowed to talk to him on "her"terms. She seemed to have a completely valid reason for everything she did - I know the cell coverage is sparse out there, and her grandma does have some weird quirks such as not liking to hear the phone ring. However, I feel as if something is not quite right in all of her excuses.
(2) What the hell is going on with everybody in Missouri getting injured? Between broken bones, jaw-bruising injuries with shopping cart straps (and the whole mechanics of that particular injury are still pretty vague to me!), and choking episodes, I have to wonder if anybody in Missouri was paying attention to anything for the past month. To say I'm concerned about my son's safety is an understatement.
(3) Her ability to go out there for a solid month and not communicate with me at all except to report the latest injuries does not lead me to believe she has come to accept any of her own responsibility in where we are right now.
(4) I told her multiple times when I was "not OK" with something (such as the limiting of my contact with my son). Each time, rather than addressing my concerns, I got excuses and justifications. Never once did I hear an "I'm sorry."
Something else happened during this past month....having been away from the confusion for 30 days, I felt a lot more clarity. That I am doing the right thing by seeking to be freed from this insanity. I have felt at peace for the first time in a long time.
Now I feel strangely apprehensive. I don't know what to expect as they come back into town. I'll enjoy seeing my son again, but I am apprehensive about how things will be between us. Will she be more like her parents than ever? Will she have seen the light about how manipulative and controlling they are? Will I be able to be strong and say "I'm not OK" when she starts in with her verbally abusive behavior?
Quite honestly, these last few weeks, I've felt clear for the first time that filing for divorce is probably my best option. But I'm worried that when she comes back to town, I'll get confused again. She is masterful at sucking me back in with her "nice" act every time I think about leaving. I don't know if it's really an act. What I do know is that when the wheels fall off, they fall off VERY BADLY! The last time things fell apart, she was accusing me of abuse and threatening to disappear and take my son with her.
So I still feel conflicted. I should be angry that she took my son away for a month and only allowed limited contact with him. I should be furious that they've all been injured in one way or another, which really makes me wonder about their level of responsibility. And I am. All these things make me angry.
But then when she explains her side of things and makes it sound so reasonable, I question myself again. I want to see my son, but I'm dreading being around her again because of the swirl of confusing feelings that will engulf me.
This is maddening!
A few more months down the separation trail. Here's an update, for what it's worth...
At the end of October, my wife took our S4 and headed west. She did so with my permission, if not exactly my blessing. I specifically asked her if she was coming back, and she promised she would return to Ohio at the end of November.
Those of you who know my story probably guessed it...she went to Missouri to be with her family. I jokingly refer to their new home as the "survival compound," because at one point in the last year I was harshly condemned by my wife as uncaring because I wouldn't join her family in their mad dash to become doomsday preppers. I was actually called uncaring because I wouldn't quit my job and move out west.
The plan was for her to see her family for three weeks, and to spend Thanksgiving with them.
Just before leaving for Missouri, her dad (my father-in-law) fell off the roof of the cabin he was finishing and broke his arm. That caused her to want to move her departure up by a week, so she would have a full month to "help out" around the ranch.
Once in Missouri, I was informed that she would need to initiate all the contact between my son and me while they were out there, because "the compound" has spotty cell phone coverage and grandma didn't like to hear the phone ring, so I was not to call there. As it turns out, the contact with my son was very sporadic, only when they went to town on errands and such.
On one such phone call, I was informed that my son would probably say something about the hospital, because my mother-in-law had fallen and broken her wrist while moving into the new cabin.
I also got a text after-the-fact that my son had choked on a piece of candy so badly that he had thrown up. She didn't bother to tell me about this until long after the fact, and then she only obliquely told me he had "gotten sick." It wasn't until I prompted her for more information that she told me he had choked on candy.
A couple of days later, she called to ask me what our health insurance would cover for an emergency room visit. Apparently, she had injured herself somehow with a strap on a shopping cart. It had somehow flipped against her face with enough force to cause severe bruising and force her to stop eating solid food for a few days.
The day after that, she was running an errand in town, had my son call me, and told me it was going to be brief because her parents were coming back from the store soon and "they were in a bad mood." I later told her how disappointing it was that the length of time I was allowed to talk to my son was determined by her parents' mood.
After that call, it was almost 100 hours until I heard his voice again. She did send me a text with his picture and a "Happy Thanksgiving Day, Daddy" message. But I did not get to speak to my son for 96 hours, including a major holiday.
There are several things here that concern me:
(1) She seemed to be limiting my contact with my son, and I was only allowed to talk to him on "her"terms. She seemed to have a completely valid reason for everything she did - I know the cell coverage is sparse out there, and her grandma does have some weird quirks such as not liking to hear the phone ring. However, I feel as if something is not quite right in all of her excuses.
(2) What the hell is going on with everybody in Missouri getting injured? Between broken bones, jaw-bruising injuries with shopping cart straps (and the whole mechanics of that particular injury are still pretty vague to me!), and choking episodes, I have to wonder if anybody in Missouri was paying attention to anything for the past month. To say I'm concerned about my son's safety is an understatement.
(3) Her ability to go out there for a solid month and not communicate with me at all except to report the latest injuries does not lead me to believe she has come to accept any of her own responsibility in where we are right now.
(4) I told her multiple times when I was "not OK" with something (such as the limiting of my contact with my son). Each time, rather than addressing my concerns, I got excuses and justifications. Never once did I hear an "I'm sorry."
Something else happened during this past month....having been away from the confusion for 30 days, I felt a lot more clarity. That I am doing the right thing by seeking to be freed from this insanity. I have felt at peace for the first time in a long time.
Now I feel strangely apprehensive. I don't know what to expect as they come back into town. I'll enjoy seeing my son again, but I am apprehensive about how things will be between us. Will she be more like her parents than ever? Will she have seen the light about how manipulative and controlling they are? Will I be able to be strong and say "I'm not OK" when she starts in with her verbally abusive behavior?
Quite honestly, these last few weeks, I've felt clear for the first time that filing for divorce is probably my best option. But I'm worried that when she comes back to town, I'll get confused again. She is masterful at sucking me back in with her "nice" act every time I think about leaving. I don't know if it's really an act. What I do know is that when the wheels fall off, they fall off VERY BADLY! The last time things fell apart, she was accusing me of abuse and threatening to disappear and take my son with her.
So I still feel conflicted. I should be angry that she took my son away for a month and only allowed limited contact with him. I should be furious that they've all been injured in one way or another, which really makes me wonder about their level of responsibility. And I am. All these things make me angry.
But then when she explains her side of things and makes it sound so reasonable, I question myself again. I want to see my son, but I'm dreading being around her again because of the swirl of confusing feelings that will engulf me.
This is maddening!
