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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So it's long story, but I'll try to make it short.


Found out WW was having an affair with a business partner back in April. I filed in June we went to medation in Sept and agreed on all the major points( house, visitation and debt).

WW then comes back to the house in November and says she does not want to get divorce and wants us to work on our M. I ask if she left OM and she said yes.

Now here is where I did everything wrong.....

I let her move back in, we spend the holidays days as a family. I never pushed for full access of her email or phone. I talk to my attorney and tell him I want to stop the divorce, he tells me why don't you wait a couple of months and see how things go(Thank god!!). I try to talk to her about the A, tell her I need her support to get over the pain and all I get is "All you ever want to do is talk about". What she does not know is that she syncs her phone to the cloud and I have access to her account. Last week I look at her pictures and I see pictures she has taken of OM. When she gets home, I ask her if she saw OM. She gets angry and says NO, and I can't keep living like this if you are always going to accuse me of it!!

I should have just made her leave, but I did not.:confused:

I decided to put my VAR in her car this past Friday to find out once and for all. When I listen to the recording. I heard her talking to OM and saying that she was angry that I have not stop the D( The only smart thing I'v done) and a lot of I love you baby.

I go downstairs tell her I know she has been lying and that she had to leave!! We get into a yelling match and I had to basically push her out the door. When she leaves, I txt my attorney to let him know that the R was fake and that we need to go forward with divorce.

I go NC Saturday, even when she txt me, I txt her today to say we need to discuss how we are going to tell D about the divorce.

We meet at a coffee shop, she sits down and says nothing for a couple of minutes. I then say "how do you want to tell her?" She replies, "What do you want to tell her?" I said well, I thought our R was real and have had only two days to think about, you on the other hand have had this planed out the whole time.

After a little back and forth we agree that will will try to make D know we love her, that this is not her fault and we will try to make the adjustment as easy for her as we can.

As I was leaving I ask her "Was it worth it?" she says nothing for awhile and then shakes her no, I ask, then why did you do it? She begins to go into her "You know that are marriage was bad..." I stop her and say, I won't listen to you try to blame the past for your CHOICE to have an affair!I get up and start walking out, her following behind me. As I get into my car she ask if she calls will I pick up? I say if it's about our D or the divorce, then I will speak to her, she says of course that is what I meant.

This woman has zero remorse, does not care that she has broken up our family.

Some info on the OM: He's married, has three kids all under two. I have not exposed yet, a couple of months back it was because my attorney want to dispose OM wife, and up till this week because I thought we where trying to R. I know ALL WRONG.

I'm going to ask my attorney that since the mediation paperwork is done, could she back off it if I exposed tmw, if he said it's signed and know backing off, I will expose to wife and employer. If he said it might be an issue, I will expose after the D is final.

I know I did all the wrong things, rugsweep, no boundaries and I know the best thing is to be rid of this woman, but I wont lie, it still hurts.

Let the 2x4s begin :(
 

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So sorry you're have a need to be here, but glad you are.

How old is your daughter and how long have you been married?

Exposure is your chance at busting this up. Also, considering the players and the circumstances you have a very good chance of doing this if you go full blown nuclear on it. Forget what your lawyer says right now and please, listen to us.

Read this from Marriage Builders. It's the most comprehensive exposure plan I have seen. Others may disagree.

MelodyLane said:
[size:14pt]Exposure 101 [/size]

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

Dr. Bill Harley said:
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.[color:#FF0000] In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery.[/color] It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Dr Bill Harley said:
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" :)

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!
 

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And this.......

MelodyLane said:
FB or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
 
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No 2X4's from me. You were trying to save your family, and were willing to reconcile with your unfaithful wife. Luck was on your side with the sync and the VAR, painful yes but at least you know the truth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the replies, I have exposed to WW family back in the summer, and all I got was WW needs help..... I have not heard from them since not even a call to see how my D is doing, so I've said F*** them!

I know I need to expose, but want to make sure the mediation papers are binding and cant be changed. To be honest, I do have tiny hope that we can stop this and I HATE myself for this. Why should I want to stay with a woman that cheats and even worse, gives me false hope with a fake R and puts me back emotionally where I was back in the summer.

D is 8.
married for 10yrs this past December.
 

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Does your wife work with the OM? If so, and you expose the affair to her employer she might very well get fired. This will increase the amount of support you will have to pay her until she gets a job. In this economy it could take her a long while to get a job. You really need to think about this part of the exposure.

Does she have an extended family? Expose to them.
 

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YOUdid thr right thing in tryig to rebuild your marriage, she's the one who is shameless and lacks even one shred of integrity. If there's a 2x4 to be given it's to her because she is still in a fantasy where you can be manipulated.
 

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Thanks for the replies, I have exposed to WW family back in the summer, and all I got was WW needs help..... I have not heard from them since not even a call to see how my D is doing, so I've said F*** them!

I know I need to expose, but want to make sure the mediation papers are binding and cant be changed. To be honest, I do have tiny hope that we can stop this and I HATE myself for this. Why should I want to stay with a woman that cheats and even worse, gives me false hope with a fake R and puts me back emotionally where I was back in the summer.

D is 8.
married for 10yrs this past December.
Does your wife disagree with the settlement agreement as it is? Why would she want a false recovery? What benefit would she get out of that?
 

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You should inform her of what her mother is up to in an age appropriate manner. You don't want to make the mistake of her assuming responsibility for what is going on in her family.

I'll let someone with more experience in this explain why. Read...

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Does your wife work with the OM? If so, and you expose the affair to her employer she might very well get fired. This will increase the amount of support you will have to pay her until she gets a job. In this economy it could take her a long while to get a job. You really need to think about this part of the exposure.

Does she have an extended family? Expose to them.
The OM is a business partner for her company. The companies are very close and he is in their office almost everyday.

In the mediation paperwork we agreed to no alimony and no CS, each parent will pay all child expensive when the child is with them, and we would share all extra (summer camp school stuff..etc...etc..) 50/50
 

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Hopefully you proceed on schedule with the divorce and expose.

IF down the road you want to give her a chnace you can but I would not personally. But I would keep to NC and also allow for at least a year of time to go by.

I am betting you will find a better woman by then.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Does your wife disagree with the settlement agreement as it is? Why would she want a false recovery? What benefit would she get out of that?
I left a couple of parts of my story out......

Back in Oct. we get into a BIG fight, a lot of yelling, pushing and shoving. WW staches my face up pretty good the whole time I'm yelling stop hitting me!!. What she did not know was that I had my VAR recording the hole thing. We where loud , that the neighbors call the police. When the police get here they separate us and ask what is going on. I tell the police the we where getting a divorce and that I had recorded the whole fight. The cop listens to the VAR and they take her away for assault. So now she has a case for domestic violence.

During the fake R, WW tells me that the OM business partners have found out about the affair and they are suing him because he has given WW money and they fear that they will lose business with my WW company because of the A.

SO... I think the fake R was to get me to stop the affair to help them with their cases.
 

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You will be getting a lot of advice to expose to the OMW and I`ll second that advice BUT ...in your case you should hold off for now until your lawyer says you`re absolutely clear of any possible repercussion from your Ex.

Fast hard exposure is necessary to destroy an affair but you don`t have that goal, you`re beyond that, all you have left is righteous vengeance.

Vengeance can wait until you`re secure and untouchable.
 

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You will be getting a lot of advice to expose to the OMW and I`ll second that advice BUT ...in your case you should hold off for now until your lawyer says you`re absolutely clear of any possible repercussion from your Ex.

Fast hard exposure is necessary to destroy an affair but you don`t have that goal, you`re beyond that, all you have left is righteous vengeance.

Vengeance can wait until you`re secure and untouchable.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I totally agree with this. Divorce and then expose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
You will be getting a lot of advice to expose to the OMW and I`ll second that advice BUT ...in your case you should hold off for now until your lawyer says you`re absolutely clear of any possible repercussion from your Ex.

Fast hard exposure is necessary to destroy an affair but you don`t have that goal, you`re beyond that, all you have left is righteous vengeance.

Vengeance can wait until you`re secure and untouchable.
This is what I'm thinking... I have the email addresses of her boss, the VP of corp HR, the OMW email address, phone number and email address.
 

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:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I totally agree with this. Divorce and then expose.
I agree as well.

That left out info was, shall we say...pertinent?

At the very least get an iron clad agreement, then drop the bomb. You've been played like hell.

Time for the reckoning.
 
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