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Discussion Starter #121
thanks for all the kind words and harsh reality words too - I need them all

I changed door locks on house and texted her last night and she got mad - I said hey, you let him into our house when I wasn't there, and I know he's a liar and untrustworthy, I'm protecting and being safe. We navigated some stuff and this morning she texted that "IT HURT ME DEEPLY"

LOL

um ... hurt deeply? wanna compare? but that's what ya'll are saying .... twist it, turn me into the bad guy and she is the perpetual victim in all this

unbelievable

today lawyer got decree's for divorce and sending to her tomorrow- hope for quick signing
 

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um ... hurt deeply? wanna compare? but that's what ya'll are saying .... twist it, turn me into the bad guy and she is the perpetual victim in all this

unbelievable

today lawyer got decree's for divorce and sending to her tomorrow- hope for quick signing
Now you are starting to understand, keep it up...

When she comes crawling back, DO NOT TAKE HER back...
 

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I've followed this and hurt for you--you'll never have the answers you think you want. Childhood sexual abuse changes one's life. Was she home-schooled after this as a protective measure? I'm thinking she didn't have the extensive therapy she needed over the years.

IMO--a stranger: She married early to someone she trusted. Life happened and she likely wore a (good girl) mask much of your marriage. After her father died, she grieved for a couple of years, then she wanted to enjoy her freedom from the protected life that had been offered by you and her now gone father. Remnants of sexual abuse were no longer masked--boundaries fell. Church and Normal had not given her peace. School was the first big breakaway. By then YOU had become her father. She was 43i-sh and at a critical life-stage. She wanted to soothe the holes in her soul; she thought she could do that with sex with a guy the age she would have dated if she had not married. Then, who knows??

This is a made-up possibility. It does not matter. 'Twas NOT your fault--nothing you could have done except maybe to love her less. There is something about hurting the one who loves you so much that gives some folks a sense of control/power? Continue to be the best dad you can be.

You have done well in accepting the advice you need here and letting go of what didn't fit. You have lived much of your life for her and your family. Change is hard, but your are showing great strength. As has been said--beware of her wanting to return--it would be temporary and superficial--that time has passed. Live the life you need now.

Sorry if this is way off--just sounds familiar somehow.
 

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thanks for all the kind words and harsh reality words too - I need them all

I changed door locks on house and texted her last night and she got mad - I said hey, you let him into our house when I wasn't there, and I know he's a liar and untrustworthy, I'm protecting and being safe. We navigated some stuff and this morning she texted that "IT HURT ME DEEPLY"

LOL

um ... hurt deeply? wanna compare? but that's what ya'll are saying .... twist it, turn me into the bad guy and she is the perpetual victim in all this

unbelievable

today lawyer got decree's for divorce and sending to her tomorrow- hope for quick signing
Once she realizes you are serious, she will try and nice you back or maybe even "bang you back."

If you're done, you're done. If you have the remotest thought of anything with her, D her first.

Once she sees she can't pull you back in, that is when her claws will come out.

And when you truly see her for who she is.
 

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Similar thing happened to me and my XW as she wanted to stay with the guy and stay married on paper for the increased military housing allowance. Then she tried to set me up with the wife of the guy she was having the affair with. Your STBXW will soon realize her student boyfriend cannot take care of her financially and when she has to carry them both, she will quickly lose sexual attraction to him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #126
"IMO--a stranger: She married early to someone she trusted. Life happened and she likely wore a (good girl) mask much of your marriage. After her father died, she grieved for a couple of years, then she wanted to enjoy her freedom from the protected life that had been offered by you and her now gone father. Remnants of sexual abuse were no longer masked--boundaries fell. Church and Normal had not given her peace. School was the first big breakaway. By then YOU had become her father. She was 43i-sh and at a critical life-stage. She wanted to soothe the holes in her soul; she thought she could do that with sex with a guy the age she would have dated if she had not married. Then, who knows??
"

That's not off track at all. She wore a great mask for the last 6 years. She bottled everything up, we never had a single argument about anything. She saw all her college people and she wanted to be 18 again and she did. I read an article on limerence a few months back and how people that do what she did completely rewrite the way they remember their marriages. In fact, I brought out cards and notes and letters she'd written me that were beautiful, facebook posts that showed her love and she simply says that her heart wasn't in it. Example - she posted this two days before her Dad died 2013

"18 years ago today, Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to an outstanding man. For 18 years (half my life) I have been privileged to share my life and to be tolerated and loved by a devoted, funny, loyal, loving, TRUTHFUL, person. The only things I think I would go back and change, are many of my own selfish actions. However, I can look back on even some of my negative choices and see where growth has happened for the both of us. It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. Your support and love through the darkest time of my life has buoyed me and carried me along day by day. I look forward to your goofy ways of trying to make me laugh when I'm crying, and I know that I could not smile without it. Thank you for these years, and for the promise of more. Thank you for filling my life with family. My love always and forever is yours alone."


a couple weeks back I asked her about it and she said " 2 days before Dad died, my foot was broken. You did really good caring for all of us during that time"

even words she wrote down she cannot admit - we had a great life, great love .... she changed. Period.

and maybe people reading this thread can see that - in my situation/their situation, people just change and I don't know why or how. I blame Satan and the person allowing Satan into their hearts.




For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?

I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.

She's supposed to go to our house today and pick a few things up. i consulted with my lawyer yesterday, my son will be home and he said play nice guy. Anything really valuable is locked in my safe anyway.

divorce decree's and other papers being mailed to her today. she needs to sign them quickly and return. I have no desire to wait around and drag this out
 

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"18 years ago today, Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to an outstanding man. For 18 years (half my life) I have been privileged to share my life and to be tolerated and loved by a devoted, funny, loyal, loving, TRUTHFUL, person. The only things I think I would go back and change, are many of my own selfish actions. However, I can look back on even some of my negative choices and see where growth has happened for the both of us. It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. Your support and love through the darkest time of my life has buoyed me and carried me along day by day. I look forward to your goofy ways of trying to make me laugh when I'm crying, and I know that I could not smile without it. Thank you for these years, and for the promise of more. Thank you for filling my life with family. My love always and forever is yours alone."


a couple weeks back I asked her about it and she said " 2 days before Dad died, my foot was broken. You did really good caring for all of us during that time"

even words she wrote down she cannot admit - we had a great life, great love .... she changed. Period.

and maybe people reading this thread can see that - in my situation/their situation, people just change and I don't know why or how. I blame Satan and the person allowing Satan into their hearts.




For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?

I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.

She's supposed to go to our house today and pick a few things up. i consulted with my lawyer yesterday, my son will be home and he said play nice guy. Anything really valuable is locked in my safe anyway.

divorce decree's and other papers being mailed to her today. she needs to sign them quickly and return. I have no desire to wait around and drag this out
It is super important to be able to make your partner laugh. And maybe it's just me, but she described a loyal dependable FRIEND that can make her laugh in that note. Not someone she is/was attracted to.

As to the second bolded, she is probably grieving the loss of your paycheck and stability.
 

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"IMO--a stranger: She married early to someone she trusted. Life happened and she likely wore a (good girl) mask much of your marriage. After her father died, she grieved for a couple of years, then she wanted to enjoy her freedom from the protected life that had been offered by you and her now gone father. Remnants of sexual abuse were no longer masked--boundaries fell. Church and Normal had not given her peace. School was the first big breakaway. By then YOU had become her father. She was 43i-sh and at a critical life-stage. She wanted to soothe the holes in her soul; she thought she could do that with sex with a guy the age she would have dated if she had not married. Then, who knows??
"

That's not off track at all. She wore a great mask for the last 6 years. She bottled everything up, we never had a single argument about anything. She saw all her college people and she wanted to be 18 again and she did. I read an article on limerence a few months back and how people that do what she did completely rewrite the way they remember their marriages. In fact, I brought out cards and notes and letters she'd written me that were beautiful, facebook posts that showed her love and she simply says that her heart wasn't in it. Example - she posted this two days before her Dad died 2013

"18 years ago today, Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to an outstanding man. For 18 years (half my life) I have been privileged to share my life and to be tolerated and loved by a devoted, funny, loyal, loving, TRUTHFUL, person. The only things I think I would go back and change, are many of my own selfish actions. However, I can look back on even some of my negative choices and see where growth has happened for the both of us. It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. Your support and love through the darkest time of my life has buoyed me and carried me along day by day. I look forward to your goofy ways of trying to make me laugh when I'm crying, and I know that I could not smile without it. Thank you for these years, and for the promise of more. Thank you for filling my life with family. My love always and forever is yours alone."


a couple weeks back I asked her about it and she said " 2 days before Dad died, my foot was broken. You did really good caring for all of us during that time"

even words she wrote down she cannot admit - we had a great life, great love .... she changed. Period.

and maybe people reading this thread can see that - in my situation/their situation, people just change and I don't know why or how. I blame Satan and the person allowing Satan into their hearts.




For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?

I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.



She's supposed to go to our house today and pick a few things up. i consulted with my lawyer yesterday, my son will be home and he said play nice guy. Anything really valuable is locked in my safe anyway.

divorce decree's and other papers being mailed to her today. she needs to sign them quickly and return. I have no desire to wait around and drag this out
Nope, they will not have any regret,as long as her good time roll. But really, after the fact she walks out on the son? Do you really want remorse from that turd? Quit being the doormat or you'll end up with another woman like her. Quit getting your validation from her or anyone time to quit being THAT nice guy all the damn time, it is really ok to get mad, and hate what she did to you don't give her that power over you.

Time to get off the floor and show your Son what a real man does when things don't turn out the way you thought. Dust yourself on an move on she has!!
 

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I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.
This is totally normal and should be expected. It's like you're in mourning for your relationship. Realize that these feelings are powerful, but they are temporary. In a short while this fog will lift and you be able to think more clearly. Refrain from making any big decisions about life while you're in this state with your emotions all over the place. It will get better over time. Don't do anything rash or drastic to make these feelings go away.
 

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The sooner you throw this waste in the trash the sooner you quit smelling it now only thing left is to wash your hands.
 

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"For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?'


9 Years divorced from a 30 year old marriage, that ended suddenly and totally unexpectedly, at least to me. For probably the first three years post divorce I asked myself those questions at least three or four times a week. After 9 years, about once a year, and usually after reading a post like yours. Best news is now it really doesnt matter to me, heck the guy she ran off with just died a couple of weeks ago, and I only smiled lightly. (more to do with him hacking my kids inheritance if my x were to predecease him). she has her life (totally screwed up) and I have mine. The answer my friend is living well. Living well is the best revenge. Make yourself the best you can be, love those kids, love your life. Its ok to miss the old one, but keep yourself in the present. Time is your answer, Attack your problem in a healthy way and Time will be your savior.
 

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Discussion Starter #133 (Edited)
Middle of Everything - she also said "It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. ........... My love always and forever is yours alone."

doesn't matter now, but I really am baffled how someone can completely change their history to justify their actions

https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/11/25/rewriting-history/

the above is exactly how my wife did things - I showed her something on limerance once and she shrugged it off even though it fit her to a T

she explained what she did as a temporary compromise of her values - that she was still ethical and good and moral ... and then continue to do the same things literally or in her heart or both. Unbelievable still :(



Hoosier - I've always been a planner. I plan my life in weeks and months ahead. I lost that for the last 9 months and i'm regaining it. It feels good to have a plan for something, a schedule for something

I'll survive this
 

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Middle of Everything - she also said "It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. ........... My love always and forever is yours alone."

doesn't matter now, but I really am baffled how someone can completely change their history to justify their actions

https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/11/25/rewriting-history/

the above is exactly how my wife did things - I showed her something on limerance once and she shrugged it off even though it fit her to a T

Hoosier - I've always been a planner. I plan my life in weeks and months ahead. I lost that for the last 9 months and i'm regaining it. It feels good to have a plan for something, a schedule for something

I'll survive this
I am trying to find some way to help you understand. I don't want to insult you, I don't what to make you feel worse.

Your wife, is a liar. In fact, you are old enough to understand that LOT'S of people are liars. Lots.

Let's just say that she really loved you are one time. What are those bad choices that she made at one time in your relationship. Do you honestly thing it is just being selfish.

I understand that you don't want to believe the things that I and others are telling you.

You appear to be a Christian man, and all of that is great... But at some point you have to realize that your wife did not JUST recently stop loving you, she has not for a while.

I understand that all of this hurts. I get it. But I believe that it is better to face reality and learn from it that to think the things you are thinking. To me, there thought, which are not really reality, hurt you.

My wish for you is for you to learn about life, people, women and relationships and after all of this is over find the right woman to spend your life with. To be happy, to live a full life, with love through out...

So think about this one and what it may mean in this situation...

"Look, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."
 

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Discussion Starter #136
"your wife did not JUST recently stop loving you, she has not for a while."

I understand this now .... still a hard pill to swallow. But yeah, I do get it
 

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For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?

I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.

She's supposed to go to our house today and pick a few things up. i consulted with my lawyer yesterday, my son will be home and he said play nice guy. Anything really valuable is locked in my safe anyway.

divorce decree's and other papers being mailed to her today. she needs to sign them quickly and return. I have no desire to wait around and drag this out
At one time and for a long time, she did love you. But in some people, when tragedy happens....

they snap. What happened to her as a child stunted her emotional growth. She remained in that

age emotionally. Now during good times and even complacent times...they appear okay.

The pain from her past she never dealt with. She ran, hid, buried it deep within her.

When a tragedy occurs later in their life, they revert back to the age they were, when their emotional

growth was stunted. They act in very similar ways. May not make sense to you now but you're

"clouded" by everything. And that is 110% normal.

As for the will she miss me stuff..... STOP the damn pain shopping. What she feels about you

is of ZERO concern to you. If she wanted you back, she'd let you know. But as you say... no trust.

I am a firm believer in, if you can't trust you truly can't love...at least in a healthy way.

You're scared of......uncertainty. You had your life planned out. Now things have changed.

I can't stress enough that there is a life out there waiting for you. Yes it will be hard at times

but your situation would never change, if you stayed. Staying with a cheating spouse is soul destroying.

Learn about yourself.....you've changed in the last 24 years. 24 years ago I just finished college and

had a vacation to remember with 2nd love. Even got a Nolan Ryan rookie card out of it.

More optimism and less wallowing. But I was where you are now, seven years ago.

Just trying to get you over the hill to see the light.
 

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That's not off track at all. She wore a great mask for the last 6 years. She bottled everything up, we never had a single argument about anything. She saw all her college people and she wanted to be 18 again and she did. I read an article on limerence a few months back and how people that do what she did completely rewrite the way they remember their marriages. In fact, I brought out cards and notes and letters she'd written me that were beautiful, facebook posts that showed her love and she simply says that her heart wasn't in it. Example - she posted this two days before her Dad died 2013

"18 years ago today, Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to an outstanding man. For 18 years (half my life) I have been privileged to share my life and to be tolerated and loved by a devoted, funny, loyal, loving, TRUTHFUL, person. The only things I think I would go back and change, are many of my own selfish actions. However, I can look back on even some of my negative choices and see where growth has happened for the both of us. It is true that I do feel more love toward you at this moment than I ever have. Your support and love through the darkest time of my life has buoyed me and carried me along day by day. I look forward to your goofy ways of trying to make me laugh when I'm crying, and I know that I could not smile without it. Thank you for these years, and for the promise of more. Thank you for filling my life with family. My love always and forever is yours alone."


a couple weeks back I asked her about it and she said " 2 days before Dad died, my foot was broken. You did really good caring for all of us during that time"

even words she wrote down she cannot admit - we had a great life, great love .... she changed. Period.

and maybe people reading this thread can see that - in my situation/their situation, people just change and I don't know why or how. I blame Satan and the person allowing Satan into their hearts.
She "posted" this? Like on Facebook or something for public consumption? Then the words were designed for impression management of an audience, and to bind you closer to her, not to express any honest or heartfelt love for you to you.

For people here who've been through this .... do ya'll still wonder if your x misses you? Do you stay awake and wonder if they're awake somewhere the same, thinking about you? Or maybe they're just really happy while you're really sad?

I know it doesn't matter but for my heart ... yeah, it kinda does. To think after 24 years she's not grieving the loss of me at all .... man that's just tough. Truth is, I miss her terribly, in so many ways. I remind myself all she did and while I am 100% sure she will never come back even if she did, if she did I couldn't trust anything she said.

She's supposed to go to our house today and pick a few things up. i consulted with my lawyer yesterday, my son will be home and he said play nice guy. Anything really valuable is locked in my safe anyway.

divorce decree's and other papers being mailed to her today. she needs to sign them quickly and return. I have no desire to wait around and drag this out
No, I don't care if my ex misses me or not. I know for a fact that my ex doesn't wonder if I'm sad or not. Clearly anyone who can cheat on you doesn't care a whit for your feelings. It's not worth my mental energy to wonder in return.

You miss the illusion of the wife you thought you had. It's hard to learn that this person you loved so deeply was never real.
 

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Arkansas, did I understand one of your earlier posts correctly in that your wife had this "kid" dating your 19 year old daughter earlier (prior to starting something with him)? If so this is well and truly sick!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #140
Arkansas, did I understand one of your earlier posts correctly in that your wife had this "kid" dating your 19 year old daughter earlier (prior to starting something with him)? If so this is well and truly sick!!!!
yes, she set him and her up on a couple of dates :(


Chuck71 good words, I'm reading them, listening to what people are saying ... its a tough thing none the less. Alone is the biggest fear in the world for me and I'll have to figure it out. I process things pretty fast, one I get my mind around it. I'm figuring this out, I have some support people ..... I'll survive.

Some days ... its just really hard and tough
 
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