Talk About Marriage banner

101 - 120 of 278 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #101
in my heart, I believe she was truly wonderful until 2014 .... the death of her Dad and her starting college and she became totally different

my judge of character is solid, a fatal law is blind trust and faith and I doubt I'll ever have that again which sucks .... your spouse should 100% trust you and have faith, it's supposed to be that way

:(


6-7 weeks, she gives me no troubles, I walk away with 2/3 of our assets .... that's a win for me, I can take something from that
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,718 Posts
in my heart, I believe she was truly wonderful until 2014 .... the death of her Dad and her starting college and she became totally different

my judge of character is solid, a fatal law is blind trust and faith and I doubt I'll ever have that again which sucks .... your spouse should 100% trust you and have faith, it's supposed to be that way

6-7 weeks, she gives me no troubles, I walk away with 2/3 of our assets .... that's a win for me, I can take something from that
Hopefully all that works out. I am not sure it matters. And I don't want you to think that I or anyone else is wrong.

But her just changing on a dime 5 years ago, yes it can happen, but more than likely this is really not the first time she has cheated. And if it is, people usually don't change like that. It is something that they had in them all the time.

Like you I am a great judge of character, in fact, I don't even have to judge, it is a feeling for me, and I think for the most part, I might have been wrong once in my entire life. If I like you, you are a good guy and if I don't the reason will appear in time.

With everyone except my Ex W. And a couple of other GF's.

So I don't know if it helps, but I can say that maybe you can be more careful and cautious in the future. It is ok to let someone PROVE something to you over the long term if that makes sense...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,094 Posts
in my heart, I believe she was truly wonderful until 2014 .... the death of her Dad and her starting college and she became totally different

my judge of character is solid, a fatal law is blind trust and faith and I doubt I'll ever have that again which sucks .... your spouse should 100% trust you and have faith, it's supposed to be that way

:(


6-7 weeks, she gives me no troubles, I walk away with 2/3 of our assets .... that's a win for me, I can take something from that
That’s fine, but dwelling on it does you zero good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,888 Posts
in my heart, I believe she was truly wonderful until 2014 .... the death of her Dad and her starting college and she became totally different

my judge of character is solid, a fatal law is blind trust and faith and I doubt I'll ever have that again which sucks .... your spouse should 100% trust you and have faith, it's supposed to be that way

:(


6-7 weeks, she gives me no troubles, I walk away with 2/3 of our assets .... that's a win for me, I can take something from that
Other people in this thread have given you great advice in areas they are sadly familiar with, infidelity.

Let me give you my thoughts on one I am sadly familiar with. My Dad passed away when I was 31. My Mom passed away when I was 43. I didn't go crazy and become a different person and cheat on my wife with a 19 year old girl.

People grieve and process things differently. But to give her the excuse of her Dad dying was so hard on her it changed her? Please. People die. Especially parents. It's not an excuse to run roughshod over your husband and family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,425 Posts
in my heart, I believe she was truly wonderful until 2014 .... the death of her Dad and her starting college and she became totally different

my judge of character is solid, a fatal law is blind trust and faith and I doubt I'll ever have that again which sucks .... your spouse should 100% trust you and have faith, it's supposed to be that way

:(


6-7 weeks, she gives me no troubles, I walk away with 2/3 of our assets .... that's a win for me, I can take something from that
As I have often said, you don't really know someone until you divorce them.

You're not seeing a change in her. You're seeing who she really is when she doesn't have the willingness or energy to pretend to be someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #106
her sister, brother, mother, best friends ..... they all say the same thing, my wife had a mental collapse

it doesn't matter now - next 7-8 weeks or so and move the heck on
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,453 Posts
Character flaw, and she proved that by how she treated your son and yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,934 Posts
her sister, brother, mother, best friends ..... they all say the same thing, my wife had a mental collapse

it doesn't matter now - next 7-8 weeks or so and move the heck on
Keep in mind that this is the kind of tough lesson she needs in order to have a true change of character. She needs to work through all this muck and come out the other side. Do not swoop in and take the burden off of her so she feels better. She needs to feel the full effect of her actions and deal with the consequences in order to be a become a person.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
274 Posts
She has no fight for me at all.

Arkansas, I'm not sure you gave her a reason to fight for you. You gave her your heart, money and marriage, when she didn't deserve it and didn't even have to work to preserve it. After months of cheating, you ask her what can I do for you? You essentially tried to nice her back and cheaters don't know that language. Why fight for something that's given to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,020 Posts
absolutely true

6 years ago her father died at our house ... I moved her mom and dad into our home for about 5 months while he battled kidney cancer because it was close to medical facilities. Anyway, she encased herself and was deeply depressed and wouldn't let anyone help her. I tried, but truth is I didn't know how to cope with it either. That was maybe THE turning point in our marriage and as she wrote to a friend in an email I acquired - she put the top layer on her wall against me.

So for 6 years she's removed herself from me inside, on the outside she made things look like they were normal.

She is all about self. She comes first, and it doesn't matter the damage done. I compared it in counseling to Thanos and the Soul Stone. He had to sacrifice the only thing he loved to get what he wanted - Gammora. He threw her off the cliff to get it, choice. My wife threw me and my family and all her connections off the cliff for adultery and she chose.

Now, just get through this End Game and move the hell on.
My XW closed up just like that when her mom died. My MiL was like my 2nd mom.

Five years later, we were through. She too closed off. I tried talking to her, mentioning go talk to

someone. She wouldn't. Even got my mom to try and talk to her. Refused all efforts.

Day came she told me she wanted us to stay M but do our own thing. I countered with MC.

She refused. So I dropped D papers on her. Her wanting to just walk away from 15 years without

making an effort..... was the largest form of disrespect. Only had 60 day wait for it to be final.

To this day I have no clue if she cheated or not. Walking out without a fight was enough for me.

She started reaching out for me near the end of the D but it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

After the D.....I was beyond done. She reached for years. She would now if she had a way

of contacting me.

Arkansas...... give defiant people exactly what they want. Because in the end it rarely ever

turns out to be what they thought they wanted. She showed you her true colors, leave her out with

the trash. She is showing you who she really is......BELIEVE HER
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,094 Posts
her sister, brother, mother, best friends ..... they all say the same thing, my wife had a mental collapse

it doesn't matter now - next 7-8 weeks or so and move the heck on
Just like you, they are invested and not Doctors. If the roles were reversed, under the EXACT same circumstances, you would be a cheating creep who is a borderline pedo. I was just reading a story about a guy who was making out with a 23 year old youtube personality. Everyone is calling him an old grooming creep.

Yes, it is hard, but do not dwell and listen to her supporters. You all are rewriting her history. Instead of leaning on you, she helped created a porn movie storyline called “I slept with my GF’s mom.” Now, you find evidence of two other men. One she was mad at, another she asked for help. Note, none of those were you, her friends or her family.

If you keep finding reasons, you’ll go back and might end up in the same position again.

Also, reread your OP and make sure you take note of your actions. Do not reward bad behavior with gifts. You bought her a truck, a brand new Iphone, paid for terrible one sided counseling, continued paying for school and now give up 1/3 of the assets. She checked out and had at least one confirmed affair with your daughter’s boyfriend.

I am pointing all of this out because this is the tough part. This is where you and others in your life will feel bad and rewrite history.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #112
"Arkansas, I'm not sure you gave her a reason to fight for you. "

um .... there is some truth to this, if I had said i want a divorce from the day I found out, then I'd have been giving up and not fighting and she would have been forced to i guess ?? but it would have been fake

this is a good thread for people to read I think - I wish i'd have posted here 9 months back. I do not regret fighting hard, I'm at peace knowing I did all I can. i fought hard for me to know I did, I never wanted to look back and wish I'd have done something more. I did it all and I'm proud I did

1/3 assets is a good win for a man in a divorce in Arkansas. I'm going to pour myself into being the best single Dad a son can have, I have sr photo's to do, invitations, a little graduation party I'll plan, weekend trips with him. I'm getting up every morning and making him breakfast, keeping home made food at nights though I default to grilling (she was a great cook, we'll miss that)

I have joined DivorceCare at a local church, starts this coming Sunday.

I'm going to survive and be better, but a part of me will always deeply love my marriage and what she meant to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #113
I can say this - all the things I've done in the past 9 months were things I've always done. I told myself I'd not stop being the man I promised to be as long as I was married. I held my promises

I talked to a friend the other day. 6 years after her divorce she says she's never forgiven him. Ok, I do NOT want to be like that. If I was? Then MY soul and my self has been damaged IMO. I told myself and still do everyday that's not going to be me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,718 Posts
I can say this - all the things I've done in the past 9 months were things I've always done. I told myself I'd not stop being the man I promised to be as long as I was married. I held my promises

I talked to a friend the other day. 6 years after her divorce she says she's never forgiven him. Ok, I do NOT want to be like that. If I was? Then MY soul and my self has been damaged IMO. I told myself and still do everyday that's not going to be me.
Well 9 months was long enough. I am glad that you were able to wake up though.

While I respect your sentiments, any longer and you would start to be a fool.

You see, those vows and promises are great, I believed them myself for a long time... But when they cheat, all that goes out the window.

Further, make no mistake, you are damaged from this. This is trauma. Trauma damages people, it just done.

Now, if you can forgive her over time then good for you. But never forget this. Never forget the signs that you missed. Do your best to be no ones fool every again.

For me, I don't know if I forgave or not, I just don't think of my ex that much. It is a type of indifference that we all should hopefully reach. I don't wish her harm, I just don't care of think about her for the most part...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #115
BluesPower

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins


I'm trying to live like the above.

I will say I do recognize the damages .... I'll maybe meet someone in the future and when I do? I'll need to be very cautious that what my x-wife has done to me doesn't harm my chances at finding love in the future. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to find out. That's all i can do, search and hope to be the best person i can, right ?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,718 Posts
BluesPower

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins

I'm trying to live like the above.

I will say I do recognize the damages .... I'll maybe meet someone in the future and when I do? I'll need to be very cautious that what my x-wife has done to me doesn't harm my chances at finding love in the future. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to find out. That's all i can do, search and hope to be the best person i can, right ?
I am very familiar with the verse... But notice it does not say that you have to be stupid. Notice that is does not say that you should learn from this. Notice that it never says forget. Because, unlike God, we cannot forget in most situations.

But notice I never said don't forgive. I am emphasizing trying to learn about women/people/relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,020 Posts
I can say this - all the things I've done in the past 9 months were things I've always done. I told myself I'd not stop being the man I promised to be as long as I was married. I held my promises

I talked to a friend the other day. 6 years after her divorce she says she's never forgiven him. Ok, I do NOT want to be like that. If I was? Then MY soul and my self has been damaged IMO. I told myself and still do everyday that's not going to be me.
Arkansas..... I will ALWAYS love who my XW...WAS. NOT who she turned into. The old "her" is long gone.

Same for your STBXW. You gave more than I would have. Cheating is a deal-breaker.

I would have D her immediately. She saw you wanted to keep the family together and was in church.

Lying cheating manipulators use that against good people. She has turned your life upside down

and twisted your soul any which way it would go. She no longer loves you. So set her free.

She will crash and burn....allow it.

Many years ago I forgave my XW. Why? I had her at her very best. I was blessed to be with her

during that time. God she was amazing. Who she is now would not interest me in the least.

XW is in some ways a tragic story....somewhat similar to my 1st love. I have posted about 1st love

often on my four main threads. Sad stories....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,020 Posts
BluesPower

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins


I'm trying to live like the above.

I will say I do recognize the damages .... I'll maybe meet someone in the future and when I do? I'll need to be very cautious that what my x-wife has done to me doesn't harm my chances at finding love in the future. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to find out. That's all i can do, search and hope to be the best person i can, right ?
Proverbs 14:1

I can go OT if you like....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,716 Posts
unbelievable to me, I'll never know the full truth or even 10% of what she's done
As much as you think you'd have liked to know, remember, curiosity killed the cat.

You can't unhear something, or forget it once you know...not the kind of things your wife would tell you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
As much as you think you'd have liked to know, remember, curiosity killed the cat.

You can't unhear something, or forget it once you know...not the kind of things your wife would tell you.
I'm a bit of an alarmist by nature, admittedly. But this whole love triangle thing with several men would have me damn concerned.
I'd stay as far away from this as possible.
I've just got a bad feeling on this one.
 
101 - 120 of 278 Posts
Top