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Discussion Starter #41
I'm listening to ya'll - a legal separation she's going to want $$$$ for the next 18 months, I'd have to also pay insurance etc.

As it stand, unless she lies greatly, she has no grounds for trying to file for divorce. We are an at fault state, I've never done anything to warrant a divorce.

So, my lawyer said don't be nice, start unbinding, don't sleep with her, don't talk with her much other than necessary. Provide but not above and beyond. Make her WANT to come to a resolution

That's where I am right now. Its very difficult for me to STOP being "mr nice guy" .... 24 years its my core, who I am you know?

I am trying
 

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That great news on the fault state, get you info and VAR record every interaction with her keep what's yours and today start your new way of life by not being that nice guy.
 

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Let it be her that hangs herself. Just record every thing. You'll come out better than her and if the kids stay with you l smell rose's.
 

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I'm listening to ya'll - a legal separation she's going to want $$$$ for the next 18 months, I'd have to also pay insurance etc.

As it stand, unless she lies greatly, she has no grounds for trying to file for divorce. We are an at fault state, I've never done anything to warrant a divorce.
As far as I know, New York is the only state that is at fault. States are generally no fault, because courts are already burdened with a full calendar. If you can claim grounds, do so on adultery and alienation of affection. It should fly, since she's admitted to having an affair. Caveat: this is just MY opinion. See if it flies with your lawyer.

So, my lawyer said don't be nice, start unbinding, don't sleep with her, don't talk with her much other than necessary.
Please listen to your lawyer. And this isn't going to be an amicable divorce based on what your wife is already telling you. Frankly, as a woman myself, I find her reactions/behavior disgusting. Sounds like she wants nothing more than to squeeze you for every dime she can get. Don't communicate with her unless it's about the kids. Let your lawyer discuss negotiations with her lawyer.

That's where I am right now. Its very difficult for me to STOP being "mr nice guy" .... 24 years its my core, who I am you know?

I am trying
Do you hit the gym regularly? If not, start NOW. Hard workouts really work to alleviate stress and anger. You also get the added benefit of getting in shape. Yes, it is hard to stop being a nice guy, but you can see what it got you. Don't try, just DO. Believe me, if you are a decent looking, well groomed man with self-confidence, you won't be alone. Seriously.
 

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I'm listening to ya'll - a legal separation she's going to want $$$$ for the next 18 months, I'd have to also pay insurance etc.

As it stand, unless she lies greatly, she has no grounds for trying to file for divorce. We are an at fault state, I've never done anything to warrant a divorce.

So, my lawyer said don't be nice, start unbinding, don't sleep with her, don't talk with her much other than necessary. Provide but not above and beyond. Make her WANT to come to a resolution

That's where I am right now. Its very difficult for me to STOP being "mr nice guy" .... 24 years its my core, who I am you know?

I am trying
If you are still living with her tell her she needs to leave the house as she has left the marriage. You will never be able to think clearly and rationally with her continually in your presence. Get her gone! Tell her to go live with “ Prince Charming” and chase her rainbows. Man up! That is an order. Do not mouse out on her. If you are in an at fault state, works more in your favor. Minimize and financial impact on you by using this to your advantage.

As this old jarhead has told several others on here, consider reading Larry Winget’s “Grow A Pair” and “No More Mr. Nice Guy”.
Passivity will get you nowhere. Want to freak her out totally? Radio silence. Do not engage, do not speak unless it is about your kids and if they are adults, **** her. Just do not speak to her at all. Indifference my good man.

I hope you have taken your ring off and if not take it off hand it to her and tell her she can stick it up her skanky ass. As for you tell her to take her rings off if she has not. Make reality for her a *****.>:)
 

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I'm listening to ya'll - a legal separation she's going to want $$$$ for the next 18 months, I'd have to also pay insurance etc.

As it stand, unless she lies greatly, she has no grounds for trying to file for divorce. We are an at fault state, I've never done anything to warrant a divorce.

So, my lawyer said don't be nice, start unbinding, don't sleep with her, don't talk with her much other than necessary. Provide but not above and beyond. Make her WANT to come to a resolution

That's where I am right now. Its very difficult for me to STOP being "mr nice guy" .... 24 years its my core, who I am you know?

I am trying
Read up it’s short and free

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/mode/2up

If you don’t implement you’re only hurting yourself more.
 

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Discussion Starter #47
"Get her gone! Tell her to go live with “ Prince Charming” and chase her rainbows. Man up! "

She told me she's not going to leave because the court will see it as abandonment (yes, a twice divorced friend has coached her)

My lawyer said don't demand her leave. Make her uncomfortable enough she'll want to
 

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"Get her gone! Tell her to go live with “ Prince Charming” and chase her rainbows. Man up! "

She told me she's not going to leave because the court will see it as abandonment (yes, a twice divorced friend has coached her)

My lawyer said don't demand her leave. Make her uncomfortable enough she'll want to
She pretty determined to make it rough on you and when she brings her boyfriend over for the night then what?
 

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I'm not sure if it's been mentioned, but carry a Voice-Activated-Recorder on you when you're with her. You never know what she'll claim you said or did to her during this time. Check if your state is a one-party or two-party recording state. If it's one-party, you can secretly record without her knowing. If it's two-party, then you have to tell her you're recording. But that can be something like one time holding up the recorder and saying "I'm going to have this VAR on me to avoid any misunderstandings" (and make sure it's recording when you say that).
 

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You need to get this ball rolling. She's going to ride you like a blind pony for 18 months until you pay for her degree and then she's going to take you for 50% of what's left.
The sooner you rip off this bandaid, the less in debt you will be.
She doesn't love you. At least not anymore, if she ever did.
Sorry.
 

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I'm listening to ya'll - a legal separation she's going to want $$$$ for the next 18 months, I'd have to also pay insurance etc.

As it stand, unless she lies greatly, she has no grounds for trying to file for divorce. We are an at fault state, I've never done anything to warrant a divorce.

So, my lawyer said don't be nice, start unbinding, don't sleep with her, don't talk with her much other than necessary. Provide but not above and beyond. Make her WANT to come to a resolution

That's where I am right now. Its very difficult for me to STOP being "mr nice guy" .... 24 years its my core, who I am you know?

I am trying
Time to get pissed off, dude.. get the hell off the pity pot, dump the Mr Nice Guy, and find your anger! She will get what the state says she is legally entitled to, as will you. DO NOT make any more offers, DO NOT give her a damn thing that isnt ordered legally. Stop trying to negotiate, stop talking to her, stop doing for her. She FIRED YOU as her husband, so she is no longer your responsibility.
 

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"Get her gone! Tell her to go live with “ Prince Charming” and chase her rainbows. Man up! "



She told me she's not going to leave because the court will see it as abandonment (yes, a twice divorced friend has coached her)



My lawyer said don't demand her leave. Make her uncomfortable enough she'll want to


She’s never going to leave. She is going to keep using you. This isn’t killing her like it’s killing you.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
on that article yes I am some of those things, some I am not


she's mad right now, telling me I was unethical to remove her from my banking where my SS# is primary. I told her to open her own and she said she doesn't have anything to put in it. well yeah ... she knew that before the affair and chose anyway

our cell phones are all in my name only, I changed that password too

I'm only doing things that are in my name only - anything joint I'm not touching

I told her this is tough, separating mine and hers, doing the best i can. I left it at that.




I'm listening to ya'll - its what I've been told for a while now. I just wanted to try really hard, I did. Now, I need her to find a way to settle with me and leave. I can think of no series of events/actions she could do that would undo this
 

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on that article yes I am some of those things, some I am not


she's mad right now, telling me I was unethical to remove her from my banking where my SS# is primary. I told her to open her own and she said she doesn't have anything to put in it. well yeah ... she knew that before the affair and chose anyway

our cell phones are all in my name only, I changed that password too

I'm only doing things that are in my name only - anything joint I'm not touching

I told her this is tough, separating mine and hers, doing the best i can. I left it at that.

Now that is how you deal with a wayward. I think you are getting it.....albeit slowly.

As for her lack of money tough ****.>:)



I'm listening to ya'll - its what I've been told for a while now. I just wanted to try really hard, I did. Now, I need her to find a way to settle with me and leave. I can think of no series of events/actions she could do that would undo this
 

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legally yeah, after a long battle she'd probably get 50% minus all the costs of her lawyer etc

there is another cost ... the damage a long battle would do to our kids, to our families, everyone would know just the depths of what she did .......... I thought that would have value

I guess I thought after 24 years, after all she's done to me .... maybe she's have a soft place left to give me something
She's selfish enough to cheat on you and destroy the marriage. Don't expect generosity or kindness from her in the settlement.

Split things evenly and walk away, or be prepared for a fight. Talk to all the best lawyers, find one who's a good fit for you (and prevent her from using the others!) and find out how family law looks in your jurisdiction.
 

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"From your very long post the one thing that sticks out is you took no action."

um .... actions like asking her to leave or divorce papers earlier than now or ?

I took a lot of actions ..... trying with counseling etc. She says the way I interact with her now is so much better, why didn't I do it all those other years? Thing is ... I did for the most part, she just never noticed.

Oh, I admit my things. Sometimes I didn't listen well. I never gushed on her in part because she said it was cheesy. Never abuse of any kind and in fact, we never had fights which I know now is a sign of marital breakdowns. We agree on all that and we also agree the choices in cheating was hers.

I have said all along had she told me all these things years ago I'd have addressed them. I'd have had a choice. She removed that choice from me.


Today, I have removed my name from all 3 credit cards we have. They are all in her name only now.
Good that you took the financial actions, BUT -- her blaming you and your actions for her cheating all this time is PURE BS. YOU did not cause her to cheat -- SHE DID. It was HER choice. She is re-writing your marital history to make herself feel better. Get yourself a shark lawyer, stop talking with her (look up the 180), and file. Get YOUR plans together. Expose her for the cheater she is to your/her family and especially your kids.

EDT: just caught up -- glad to see you've met with a lawyer, now EXECUTE your plan. Make sure you expose her to all.
 

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Discussion Starter #57
I'm curious how ya'll are reading this and the snowball that it is

Tonight, we talked. Wow. First thing, I clarified there is no way to salvage this marriage and she said no. Ok, honest. Hurtful still but honest.

We then talked about how to end nicely and both agreed that our kids, relatives, everyone involved .... it doesn't have to end bad. I said ok, what do you want. She said 50%. I said I won't give that. She said less devalues her. I said 50% tells me all the hard work I've done all these years and putting you through 4 years of college AND all the house things I've done ..... they're not calculated either and to be honest, you destroyed the marriage and yes, I think there is an emotional value.

Not only that, I told her that her freedom, her independence, her being NOT married to me? that has value too. I closed by saying if I take this to the courts, drag it out, get so many people hurt, the lawyers will get their cut and in the end I'll be give you MAYBE 50% .... why would I give 50% to you now? make you suffer through it

and I hated saying those things, I truly did

she got mad, started saying hurtful things .... and for once, I didn't care. It wasn't screaming cursing but her warped reality showed clear and I finally said ok, I'm going to double my original cash offer and tomorrow have it set up and I want you to sign and and lets get this done now. She said she'd think about it

I think she'll sign it to get this done. I hope so.

After tonight .... I doubt I ever shed a tear for her again. How amazing fast things change. I'll always love her deeply. I have no idea who she is now.
 

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Love is blinding. It’s shocking when the blinders come off and you see them for who they really are.

This is who she is, was and will always be.

I’d tell her full exposure on everything. We may as well let everyone know what’s going on. I bet she’ll sign.

Get the paperwork ready. Stay strong and you’ll get through this.

As you’ve witnessed you aren’t losing much of a wife.
 

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Discussion Starter #59
I have seen her grow from a woman who never lied, was always honest, truthful, admired by everyone for it ... into that which she herself hates most.

I wish her the best, will always love her, give me what I'm asking and go peacefully
 

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I have seen her grow from a woman who never lied, was always honest, truthful, admired by everyone for it ... into that which she herself hates most.

I wish her the best, will always love her, give me what I'm asking and go peacefully
You may be right about her changing - it happens.

It is also possible that STBXW was always deceitful* etc.. - but that, like many of us, you were shown an untrue image. Some people are naturally good at recognising what we want to see and supplying that which encourages us to see what we long for. Once they achieve their object they tend to rely on our commitment to sustain our mistaken view of them - and they get lazy about maintaining the image.

It often requires a huge blow to dislodge the comfortable and comforting novel that we have immersed ourselves in and which enables us to concentrate on the rest of our life "knowing" that our relationship is beyond question.

As to always loving her - I hope not. The image you love is not real - not now (if ever it was). Retain happy memories but, should you find that the love you had wanes, don't mourn it - it is a natural way of preparing oneself for a fuller and more rewarding future.


*my fingers sometimes think they know better than me - on reading what I'd typed I saw that the final letter of "deceitful" was wrong - not greatly - just one key to the left of "L"!
 
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