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Discussion starter · #301 ·
Your personal experience colors your view of people
what else do we have to go on but our personal experiences ?



see, I thought several things for 24 years .... I thought love was for a lifetime. I thought promises and vows mattered. I thought exposing yourself by giving 100% faith and trust in another was a big key in a relationship.

I was proven wrong. I have 100% faith in my wife - I mean never a single doubt. Ever. If the woman I knew could do what she did ..... every woman is capable (and every man too)

there is a problem with that - because as humans we're suppose to love and trust, its integral to how we love and how we are loved back. when that element is missing, there are going to be problems. I am aware of that at least.


Evinrude58 is correct, its easy to find a woman ( I assume even easier for women to find men) .... but finding a GENUINE person? that's tough - really tough, especially at 50 years old.
 
I hate that you have lost faith in people. I have as well to an extent. I’ll never see a relationship with a woman in the in way u did before my wife of 14 years did what she did. After she started the cheating, I literally didn’t recognize her. I know exactly how you feel.

make no mistake, however, you do have an OPPORTUNITY here to find a GOOD woman. They exist. And you will love her that much more when you find her.

You will see things differently when you get over the pain. Sadly, it will take a couple of years, and while you’re in it, that length of time will seem like forever. But it isn’t.
Hang in there. You’ll make it.
 
Discussion starter · #303 ·
Evinrude58 I have found a good woman. She appears honest and kind, generous and loving and I didn't realize all that my ex wasn't giving until I was in a relationship where the other was actually giving !

but i don't think i can love the same anymore - maybe expecting too is asking too much


so again I ask anyone who's thinking of an affair - do not do it

Satan loves to use lust and desire and the feeling of doing the wrong thing in a way that destroys many lives - not just one
 
Evinrude58 I have found a good woman. She appears honest and kind, generous and loving and I didn't realize all that my ex wasn't giving until I was in a relationship where the other was actually giving !

but i don't think i can love the same anymore - maybe expecting too is asking too much


so again I ask anyone who's thinking of an affair - do not do it

Satan loves to use lust and desire and the feeling of doing the wrong thing in a way that destroys many lives - not just one
lots of women seem that way and can hide their true selves for even a couple of years. Better be careful. You are in a far more vulnerable state than you know. You really should hold off for a while. Are you divorced yet?

none of my business, just sayin’.....
Something to think about.

I got out of a relationship that was very hurtful and got married on a rebound too quickly and foolishly and regretted it.
 
Discussion starter · #305 ·
I was divorced March 16th 2019 - and I have no plans to marry anytime soon. To do that would mean I fully trust a woman .... I'm unable to do that right now

But I can be in a committed relationship, love and be loved and see where it leads
 
Discussion starter · #306 · (Edited)
crazy to think that on May 2nd, it'll have been 2 full years since I found out my ex was cheating

it was 2 days ago I went to the courthouse and got divorced filed

the ex never came back, I'm pretty much moved in with my new laDy, wonderful person

I close on selling my house tomorrow- when its all said and done, I got about 80% of the assests

my son hates her - calls her a *****, doesn't talk with her
my daughter ... something happened there, because she was home for 2 months and didn't go see her mom but twice


if you cheat - you WILL destroy many lives. The cascade effect is great .... like, my Dad doesn't like my former brother in law because of what his sister did. Think like that cheaters never figure. My son see's women as whores who use and manipulate, my daughter has no faith in marriage and she sees vows and promises as fake.

don't cheat - don't do it ............. the damage is terrible
 
crazy to think that on May 2nd, it'll have been 2 full years since I found out my ex was cheating

it was 2 days ago I went to the courthouse and got divorced filed

the ex never came back, I'm pretty much moved in with my new laDy, wonderful person

I close on selling my house tomorrow- when its all said and done, I got about 80% of the assests

my son hates her - calls her a *, doesn't talk with her
my daughter ... something happened there, because she was home for 2 months and didn't go see her mom but twice


if you cheat - you WILL destroy many lives. The cascade effect is great .... like, my Dad doesn't like my former brother in law because of what his sister did. Think like that cheaters never figure. My son see's women as whores who use and manipulate, my daughter has no faith in marriage and she sees vows and promises as fake.

don't cheat - don't do it ............. the damage is terrible
The vows don't change............ just the people. Choose wisely.

Nearly 90 years ago, my mom's parents met, 16 and 13. Great Depression.... they M. Can't tell me they

weren't "in heat." But somehow.... it lasted, till the day he died. She held their picture close to her as she died,

10 years after him. Saying she will now be with him. Never even looked at another man.

Our forefathers showed the way..... but many listen?

Reminds me of the "Conditioners" in Chapter 3 of "Abolition of Man."

The Conditioners...... well we see them all the time, in social media.

Be aware
 
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Hopefully the state you are in has at-fault divorce still and I definitely hope it doesn't have lifetime alimony. You are being "zeroed out" as the term goes. Basically you're finding out everything you've worked for your whole life has been a lie and you start to question everything. The main thing is for you continue counseling on your own, especially if thoughts of suicide creep in. I'm not being over dramatic here, your situation is where a lot guys decide to check out. My other advice is the first two books by Rollo Tomassi, "The Ration Male" and "Preventive Medicine". They aren't fluffy cloud smoke up your ass books, but they will help explain with the benefit of hindsight, how and even where things went wrong. You are going to be facing a lot of uncomfortable truths about life, women and men. Face them head on now so you can start rebuilding your life.

Best of luck.
 
Discussion starter · #311 ·
Al_Bundy

Never suicide thoughts nor have I really wanted to physically hurt anyone else

But its been 2 years May 2nd since I found out .... its been a bit over a year since divorce, probably 18 months since I really decided I had to divorce her and got my plan togehter.

I hurt every day still, some days a little, some days a lot.

I have dreams - this is one I had a few weeks back

I walked to a place to find the ex-wife. I think I was going there to see if she was happy or miserable. It was a wide open place, I was dropped in the middle and I went towards kinda like a town area and to a house/apartment. When I got there, I went through one room of the apartment and it was empty, but my sister were there in the second room next to a window. We said a couple of words and then through the window I saw the ex-wife running along the road that was in front of the apartment. She was laughing and smiling and waving at the people along the road. She came into the first room and was talking to my sister about going out that night to a couples dinner. I was really sad about that, and it hurt me greatly. How could she still be friends with my ex after all the pain and hurt and damage? Who would still be friends with someone like that AND going out to dinner with my family with her adulterous boyfriend on her side?

I left. I walked a long way back to where I guess I was staying. It was snowing and cold and I remember it like a giant plain of salt and I just felt depleted and exhausted. When I came to where I was going, it was a two story place, almost like a hotel. Dark, and there was a walkway with rooms on both sides. I paused, cautious I guess but a couple of people went through and I relaxed. My room was there, on the right and when I went to it … the door was cracked. I swung it open and the room was in disarray like it had been ransacked and I moved back out of the room and that’s when a large dark thing jumped me from the hallway. It knocked me down, and it had a long knife and it put the knife to my chest and pushed it through. I didn’t fight it either, I just accepted it and then …. I woke, breathing heavy and I didn’t sleep hardly any the rest of the night.



I've never not fought anything in my life. I vividly remember just accepting death, I was ok with it.


Cheaters - don't damage your loved ones with adultery., Don't. Please.
 
How your XW is doing or think how she is doing has ZERO concern to me, nor should it you.

What concerns me is how YOU are doing..... Talk to us....... What's bothering you?

How are the kids doing?
 
Discussion starter · #315 ·
oh who the heck knows about dreams - tied to events sure, but I don't read a terrible amount into them

I wish they'd go away - that much is a fact !

I talked to my sis yesterday ..... its been 2 years, and the damage done and the ripples from my ex wife's adultery has touched everyone we know in some way

don't do it - the Bible says don't be adulterous for a reason ya'll :(
 
long story

I married at 25 years old an 18 year old, wonderful person in 1995. Home schooled, as a young girl sexually abused. We had a daughter in 1999, lost a child in 2000 and had a son in 2001. She and I never did fight, and we also never really communicated well. I've always known that. No warning signs of an issue, she never told me her feelings much. Fast forward to 2013 and in that spring her Dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He came to live with us, and died on Christmas day of that year. Tough 5 months. She spiraled into a massive depression that nobody could help with. She grew distant, would not seek counseling. In 2015 she wanted to start college. In 2017, she wanted this group of friends, all guys, to study with and I agreed. She had become a runner, had male friends, it was an easy ok. I trusted her 100%.

Spring 2018 she graduated community college, moving on to a 4 year degree. This one kid from that group hung around. We'd helped several women by bringing them into our home who had marital issues etc, and she said this kid was like our own. In fact, she had at the time, my 19 year old daughter dating this 21 year old. As 2018 progressed, I noticed only like twice a linger in a hug of a touch, she easily lied those away. I never looked for things, didn't really suspect. Just didn't like the kid hanging around 3 nights a week.

Spring 2019, she went for a traditional yearly camping trip with all women friends/family. The day before she went to prep at a farm they camp on, at a bluff her and I spent many a magical night on. She slipped that evening and said "we" when talking about the day .. and it was the Kid with her. I was not happy. When the weekend ended I said enough, no more him around, he's hurting our marriage and wants to get in your pants. Deny, lies, ya'll know that.

For the next 6 weeks I was ever more suspicious. I almost caught them one day at a lake she ran out all the time. On May 2, 2019, I was home early for some spontaneous surprise passion and caught an incoming text that said how much he loved her. It took 3 hours of asking before she finally admitted an emotional/sexual affair. I was stunned. I thought maybe at the most kissed him.

So starts my real story. We started counseling, and I had planned a weekend getaway to reconnect. On that getaway she reached out to him. Later I'd find out every day she did. I found out she was meeting him in the mornings, recording things on a zip drive, letters and notes. The audio files I found through bugging her vehicle were terrible to hear. A man shouldn't hear his wife speaking to someone else that way.

I'd asked her what could I do and she said help her through summer school. I had asked her to not see him or communicate ever again and she broke that promise the next day I later found but me? I worked hard, from 5:30 to 9:00 pm at night with cooking breakfast, driving her to classes, working out with her. She had an internship and because of a GPS tracking device I'd attached to her truck, I found out she was still meeting him. The truck I bought her then because our car was something they'd done things in and I couldn't stand it. I bought her a $1000 iphone on my July birthday. Counseling was hard, because I was told things I'd been doing wrong all the years. I am a person of action, my acts define my love. She never wanted that, I never knew that my caring and loving wasn't ever enough.

In Sept after summer school finished, we went to FL for a 5 day trip and it was fantastic. When we got back, I had a means to view her texting and found an email she'd sent a friend. Devastating, the most amazing words to describe this 21 year old and their magical, once in a lifetime love. It crushed me hard

But I didn't leave. I stayed, I tried. Credit to her, she did wane from seeing/talking to him as far as I know, and things got better.

Nov 1st I sat her down and though she'd once asked me to forgive her (not serious because she went back to him the next day) I forgave her for it all. I needed it. I'd dropped to 145 pounds, I was unhealthy as a person and my soul was. That night I offered her a chance to come clean on anything, and she said when I was out of town with my son, she'd have him over spending the night at my house. So ... for 7 months she held that huge lie, lying about it constantly. I forgive her.

I went on a trip and came back Nov 10 and told her and the counselor I was done with weekly counseling for 2 reasons. #1, I was told every week I needed to change, we never talked about her. #2, I didn't want a life where I could talk to my wife 1 day a week between 2 and 3 pm. I drew a heart and said this is mine, and you want it 100% and she said yes. I drew a box in it and said this is your heart and that's the adultery in the middle and she said yes. I said I cannot live with that.

We spoke of it again twice in Dec, both time her saying she couldn't give me 100% of her heart. During this time, she entered 1 on 1 abuse counseling and I encouraged it.

3 weeks ago, I saw text messaging from the kid, and she said she has no idea how his phone was unlocked. I found out she was "following" him on a social media page and he her, and they could see each others pics. She said she has no idea how that happened.

The final nail, as she told me she didn't if she wanted to stay married. I had legal documents written up that would have given her about 15% of our worth (which isn't much, but she's had $2500 a month to finish school)

She was mad about it, said she felt like she was worthless, cheap and not valued. She came back and said she wanted 50% of everything and I said no way. We talked about where she was, where I am, and she says she doesn't want a divorce, can't take my offer, I can't take hers .... today I moved into a spare bedroom. There is silence here.

Our counselor said, in 18 years, she'd never seen a man as heartbroken as I was. I know who I was as a husband, and she and I both contributed to a marriage that while good, wasn't great, but her choice to affair was all hers and that destroyed our marriage.


I see no resolution. She has no fight for me at all. While accepting her choices are wrong, she'd say but she wants to hold it in her heart as beautiful and wonderful. I cannot live with that.


What I am asking ... has anyone had a marriage end like that? Where 24 years, the woman just goes crazy, has an affair with a 21 year old kid, blames everyone, rewrites our marriage past almost to justify her actions, has a husband who tries for 8 hard months everything he can to stay ............ I fought SO hard. I have forgiven her. She is at a place and will not change, and I can't live with how she has become as much as I still love her.

Why did she do it all? I'll never know, she sure didn't have enough love for me not to, no consideration, no respect. More baffling, she had me fighting hard for her for the most part, when it should have been her fighting for me.


I'll say this - 100% trust and faith is supposed to be given but when its violated? wow ... there is nothing like it, because it shatters the soul. She was a very religious young woman, always the highest morals and ethics. Kind, generous, someone everyone admired. After her Dad died she changed, her sister and brother both used the same words - broken. I admit I was unable to reach her and I stopped trying. My faults were never knowing how to comfort her, and her not telling me I wasn't, I just thought I was doing enough.

I have grown as a person in these 8 months, I am capable of massive changes for her. But its over now, and I'm still crushed
All I can say about counseling is that it was ridiculous for me. But that’s me. My opinion after 65 years and 41years of marriage? If she cant honor her vows punch out and leave her to her future.
 
Discussion starter · #319 ·
I can't decide which is worse ... all these many months later .... the destruction of so many relationships and connections .... or the destruction I've felt myself

The logical/reasonable part of me says the former because so many people lost in this whole thing. Greater good and all, right?

Another part of me says its my loss that is worse. I never thought I'd lose myself, my self worth, my sense of having a meaning and purpose and value. I have. Its an odd experience to have, being the person I always was and now, the person I am. Of course then, I question that maybe I wasn't who I thought I was, which lead to all of this ..... its a fascinating thing I don't like anymore to be honest :(
 
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