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Rubixed Cubed "What do you expect him to do, pin her down and make her listen? Yeah ... Nah."

That's exactly it. I'm not going to sit her down and tell her all the horrible things her mom did until she wants to know. She has been clear to me she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm confident I'm doing it the right way. My daughter KNOWS I tell the truth, she's had 20 years of it. When she wants it all, she will ask and it will be in HER time, not mine.



My refi might go through by end of next week - in 2 weeks time, my ex will have $100,000 for her to pay all her back bills, credit cards, get a new apartment (he cousin is telling her to leave the free condo she's in, don't know exactly all that went down there but it has to do with lying about her boyfriend) ..... she will have money and that'll make her temporarily happy. My son still hate her, nothing I can say is changing his view of her and truthfully, I cannot argue with him. She's a low down, cruel, selfish, prideful, manipulative woman who uses anyone and everyone to get what she needs. I don't want those kinds of people in my life - my son doesn't either.
Uh..

What your son, your daughter's brother..... knows, she knows 'now' for sure.

Siblings talk, and they share the truth.

Don't assume for a minute that the daughter knows, little.

She does not want to talk about it because it is damn painful to hear this crap about her mother.

The God awful truth hurts worse, those whose love is/was strongest.
 
...so if you're reading this- if your wife cheated, understand it was 100% deliberate, intentional, planned and schemed. I know that now, and I didn't fully understand it when I was going through it. Only by going out with someone did it hit me the depths of what a new relationship goes through - and a cheater did that all while MARRIED

it takes an ugly person to do that - cruel, mean, selfish, self centered .... and my ex became that
But....but....it was the "fog" that made her do it! And limerence!! And "NRE" (new relationship energy). Don't you see? That damnable fog/limerence/NRE came swirling in through the window and she couldn't think straight and just kept making bad decisions. None of it was her fault! 🤪 🤪 🤪

Had you made her go to a therapist, they would have pulled some nonsense excuse out of the air for why she cheated on you. The excuses are ENDLESS from therapists. For a cheater, going to a therapist = Get Out of Jail Free card.🥴 What a damned clown show most of them are running.

And then, there's just the cold hard TRUTH without all the delusion - which you have written so accurately and succinctly, OP.

Cheaters do what they do because they WANT to and because they enjoy it, because they get excitement from it, for many it's for the sexual variety, and they do it because they think they deserve to have just a little bit more in life than the average Joe. Most of them have an extreme sense of self-entitlement which is no surprise to anyone.

And you're right - it takes an ugly and VERY SELFISH person to continually make willful choice after choice after choice to deceive and betray you. Luckily, you were wise enough to see that instead of deluding yourself into thinking the choices she was making were due to some other factor causing her to make them.

I'm glad to see your motto is "leave a cheater, gain a life." Good on you.
 
Discussion starter · #283 ·
" For a cheater, going to a therapist = Get Out of Jail Free card. "

I think now there is truth in that. A counselor/therapist can maybe help realizations about yourself but only a damn good one will tell you what you don't want to hear. The one we had enabled my ex in my opinion. Not that it mattered, ya'll knew from the first page my marriage was going to fail, there is no way, NO WAY, to recover from the damages done like was done to me.

I want to share things like this for others to see.

Here is the last email I received from the ex - i think she might finally be out of my life. What she's doing here is projecting her own lying, cheating, manipulating and dishonor onto me. She doesn't need to miss her son, in 10 weeks she has texted him twice. Once was using his birth certificate as a means to manipulate him into going to lunch with her, the other was last night and I'm certain it was a hint to please not forget mothers day. Her choices and decisions has led her exactly here - where she wants to be. Now, she doesn't like that she doesn't have a house, a home, family, friends, money to spend etc. She used to have all that and now she doesn't and she has to miss it all. Me? No, she doesn't miss me. There are two ways this goes in a situation like this .... she realizes and accepts how terrible she is, or she blames me. I've seen this pattern all my life in how people react to situations, and I've been very careful not to fall into the the trap of always blaming others. Sometimes, its me, and when it is, I need to own it.

Anyway ,,,, this last email is very encouraging. She hates me now - and that's something I was told needed to happen. When she hates me ... then she'll leave me alone, stop bothering me and go away. Note - her brother and I are still close and that's unusual but he and I almost drowned together one time. In many ways he's close to me than my brother is, and I'm more of a brother to him than his brother and more of an uncle to his kids too. She's got to hate that, but I'm not throwing away my brother because of her, blood or not



" These were the verbal terms that I agreed to of which you unfortunately for me but fortunately for you emotionally manipulated me into withholding from the contract ( she's referring to the texting that we did to hash out who got what etc ... and listed them) I took you at your word that you would honor your verbal commitment to me and you say that you will not. How very disappointing and telling about your honor as a man

I took care of the (20 acres) filing. I don’t want any of those things - I don’t want anything at all from you. You can give (my things to my brother) . That plus the $7,000 that you loaned him that you should have used to honor your promise to me plus the $1,700 you so graciously spent - not for my benefit - but for the convenience of relieving you of getting my stuff out of YOUR HOUSE- about covers the credit card debt that you promised to pay. The only thing I will miss is my son."
 
Discussion starter · #288 ·
The ex has not said another word to me - my girlfriend says she'll come back at some point but me? I believe she's way too prideful. I think her life has imploded, I think she's miserable and lonely and in her crazy mind a martyr in some ways

What I don't understand is her totally ignoring her son whom she was so close to for so long. The lies she told devastated him and how he sees her and women in general. She literally swore to him once "I will never cheat on your Dad" .... and she was cheating on me when she said it.

So he's 18, young man .... and a couple of nights ago we had a pretty deep talk. He doesn't understand why I would want to date someone right now. When you're cheated on the way I was, it chips away, making you feel unlovable, unwanted and that you'll be alone the rest of your life. Coupled with this now deep rooted fear that everyone is a liar ..... and those scars are the worst thing anyone can do to another person IMO.

I simply told him that when you're in it - when you have someone you trust and you know they trust you, its a beautiful thing. God made us to be coupled, I believe that. Satan works to destroy it, I believe that too. Yes, my son is right, sometimes you get burned really bad but that's not a reflection of how I was. In 24 years of marriage I don't think I ever lied. I never betrayed, broke trust etc. Nobody can take that away from me, I know I did it right and everyone else does too. That's something to hand my hat on.


So for anyone thinking of cheating - don't. You'll destroy your family and impact them all in irreversible ways you cannot imagine.

If you were cheated on, leave them behind and move on with your life knowing it wasn't you, it was them. Don't work so very hard to save what cannot be saved. They don't want it saved or they'd not have done what they did.
 
Discussion starter · #289 ·
I don't regret anything really looking back all these months.

My son left on Monday for the Coast Guard ... he's not seen in person or spoke in person to his mom since the day she left. They met with her mom and had breakfast. I don't think he'll ever like her and that's a massive payment for what she chose. Our daughter talks to her some, I don't know in what length. I know the ex has a small little apartment she rents. Last I heard she was dating the young kid and his parents hate it.

I gave the family dog to her on Monday - told her yes after she asked that she could take her. i figure with me spending time doing my thing, the dog will get more attention and truth is, the ex probably needs the old dog.

I'm bitter still from time to time. The bad side of me hopes she fails school, work, gets cancer and everyone ostracizes her for her actions she's made. The Christian side of me prays she'll get it together some day. I'm actually non-nonchalant about her - if she's good, bad, happy, sad, rich or poor ... I don't care. The woman I knew and loved died, and the person in that body now I don't like nor do I want any relationship with at all. But I'm close to selling my house, my kids are now gone ... this was the time that a man and woman really start their lives together and she bombed ours.

I have a great girlfriend. She's fantastic person, cute, smart, her heart/soul everyone loves. I don't know where it'll go, taking it week by week, going with the flow.


So notes -

#1 again, if you're considering an affair, don't. Its selfish, manipulating, mean and terrible and everyone will probably hate you for it - and justly so - and it damages your sould.

#2 if your spouse cheated - plan your out. It aint going to work, period. You know 5-10% of what they did - if you knew 100% it'd crush you completely. Plan your out, execute it, find something in it that you can feel like you didn't get 100% screwed. me ? that was the settlement and I did win there

#3 after it's all done .... live. Get back to living, embrace the changes you're having to go through.
 
"There are A LOT of broken people out there."

Arkansas...my cheating sister from SE Okla was a runner also...had a 2.5 yr affair on my brother with coworker from north of Alma on the east side of Ft. Smith. After OM broke up with her she got a tat covering her leg from the knee to the top of her azz. Nice momento to remember your OM fond memory from. BiL should have divorced her azz.

I wished she had been killed in a car wreck than to become an adultress. My kids know what their aunt did and it has caused a wall between me and her. We rarely talk now, used to be close. She quit coming around because my wife can read her like a book. My wife knew before any one else did.

Your ex is a hypocrite. Praying on things! Really! Professing to be Christian, if divorced due to her adultry, she can never remarry or the Bible says she will be committing adultry with new man. It is clear that "Whoever practices such things(ie. Adultry) shall not inherit the Kingdom of God"
So many people do not take marriage serious. God is dead serious about marriage. He cut off Israel due to their adultry and that opened salvation to the Gentiles. Many people will have hell to pay for the way they lived.
 
Arkansas...... really like the growth you have accomplished. Her affair is on her 110%. If she was so "mis-er-able" then

she could have been a respectable spouse and come to you saying she wants a D. She wanted to test drive a new

toy while keeping you in the dark......just in case she scares him of. She threw away a quarter century. For an itch...

She is in store for a tormented life. She lost you and her son.....for......??? A kid only in it for gift wrapped sex.

Keep working on yourself.....check in with son. One day he will want to talk about what she did.

And he will be the one to nail a dagger into her heart.....for what she did. May be a year, two, five, seven.....

but it will happen.
 
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Discussion starter · #292 ·
its been a year when I started really figuring my exit plan

the 23rd of Dec would have been my 25th wedding anniversary

I've spent both of the holidays for every year the past 25 years with my in-laws .... I didn't this year

it was very odd, uncomfortable ... and though i did spend it with people who cared it was just very different

I have an amazing woman I date, didn't understand just how little appreciation and thankfulness I had in my marriage. its a funny thing looking back.

I think the damage done to my kids is what makes me most bitter now .... my son doesn't trust a woman any farther than he can spit on them, my daughter doesn't believe in relationships/love and has made bad choices lately and part of that is because her mom destroyed the family unit.

don't have affairs - don't cheat
 
Yes, your first post, anyone could see your marriage was doomed, and it would pretty much h be guaranteed that when you get over the loss of your rotten selfish cheater, you’d find a new woman and you’d wonder why you spent 24 years living with a person who clearly didn’t love you.

It’s such a shame that when you’re hurting, you can’t see reality...
The reality is your ex wife is a cheater who divorced her husband and will most likely be a bicycle that guys take for a ride for a few weeks and drop like a bad habit once they see how she really is. You however, will have lots to choose from. But few good women. Mainly a whole bunch of women just like your ex.
 
But few good women. Mainly a whole bunch of women just like your ex.
I don't know what to say. Really. I'm so sorry you've been so ill treated that you have come to have this jaundiced view of women.

Aren't you the guy who went ahead with your second marriage only because her parents had plunked down a large amount of money for the wedding even though you knew it wouldn't last? Well, it did last - for a whole six months. And, yet, you're the put upon one.o_O
 
Discussion starter · #296 ·
I don't know what to say. Really. I'm so sorry you've been so ill treated that you have come to have this jaundiced view of women.
my 19 year old son see's women like that

understand, the woman that was his model for what he was supposed to look for - kind, honest, trustworthy, put family first, moral, ethical etc .... she was all those things then changed into a damned demon

and my son was taken advantage of, used and manipulated too by her - that kind of hurt, the deep level of broken trust and faith ... it stays with a person

the only person in the world I trusted completely - 100% without doubt - was the very one who showed me never to do that again. that's a barrier when it comes to forging new relationships and although I "trust" my new lady, I know always and forever isn't real. 100% trust and faith isn't real. 100% I'll always be there for you, isn't real

Its for today - tomorrow is tomorrow and we'll see what happens when it comes

so in that light, I see what Evinrude58 is saying - maybe you have never been crossed that deeply before ?
 
I don't know what to say. Really. I'm so sorry you've been so ill treated that you have come to have this jaundiced view of women.

Aren't you the guy who went ahead with your second marriage only because her parents had plunked down a large amount of money for the wedding even though you knew it wouldn't last? Well, it did last - for a whole six months. And, yet, you're the put upon one.o_O
I don’t see my personal business as having relevance to this guy’s thread. My second wife wasn’t a cheater.
It appears you enjoy making low blows , btw, for no apparent reason.
I don’t believe my opinion of women is any worse than your opinion of men. My statement stands based on my experiences.

A good person is hard to find. I wholeheartedly stand by what I typed.
 
I think I quoted this, not sure. Arkansas........ you came, you learned, you dealt with it with grace and dignity. Can't say that about your XW.

Often parents do not think about their child(ren)'s welfare when they go through a D. I have posted here eight years and I have always said,

the kid(s) often get thrown in the middle by one or even both spouses. They are so wrapped up in their "new" life....kids are on backburner.

This scars kids....and some never get past it. How many times have you read a sad D thread where the dad wasn't around or the mom wasn't?

Those scars are took into their relationships. And their kids...most likely...will follow in the footsteps. There's three generations already.

My parents fought a lot and yes, I was put in the middle and was manipulated. I don't know how in the he!! I made it through with very little scars.

Mom was a master caregiver but not good at teaching. Pop was pathetic at caregiving but a master teacher. Luckily...that was balance.

Rarely does that happen.

Arkansas....you have every right to be guarded. You gave all and left everything on the field. At least...now you "know." Strict boundaries. Enforced.

Do you know older people who were in your kids situation somewhere in their past; who made it through? Maybe they could talk to them...
 
I don’t see my personal business as having relevance to this guy’s thread. My second wife wasn’t a cheater.
It appears you enjoy making low blows , btw, for no apparent reason.
I don’t believe my opinion of women is any worse than your opinion of men. My statement stands based on my experiences.

A good person is hard to find. I wholeheartedly stand by what I typed.
How is the truth a low blow? Your personal experience colors your view of people and based on one person cheating you have determined that the OP will have a hard time finding a new love. He isn't you.

I don't have a low opinion of men. Just some men.
 
“You however, will have lots to choose from.” My words.

OP, I don’t think you’ll have a hard time finding a new love. Quite the opposite.
And it won’t be hard to find a better one. But it’s not easy to find a really good woman with character and loyalty.
 
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