I keep coming back to this ..... because someday, maybe someone will read this whole thing and get something from it. Maybe it'll be important to someone.
I virtually met someone on a dating site. We exchanged messages for days and then talked on the phone for hours. Same age as me, married a bit longer, kids are just a bit older ... different reasons for divorce than me but going through it all is similar. I met her for lunch yesterday for the first time. As I know her so far, super easy to talk to, intelligent, modest, alone ..... she can be an awesome friend if nothing else.
This cheating/divorce thing..... damaged me. I've been warned about "healing" and "time" ..... I can see why those warnings are given.
It really hit home yesterday because understand I've not "dated' or even looked really at another woman in 25 years. All the weirdness of "do I like her" "am I attracted to her" ... I noticed her dimples, the way she brushed her hair to the side. Do I give her a hug? What would it be like to hold her hand? I can't imagine a kiss but ...... as I'm thinking of all this later, it occurred to me .... my ex-wife went through ALL OF THAT except she did it while we were married. She went through every little step of the nuances of forging a relationship with someone WHILE MARRIED TO ME. She'd do this on the side, come home, kiss me, sleep with me ..... and how she juggled that I will never ever understand. Its psycho, its not normal
It fuels another kind of hatred and I'm having a hard time controlling it. On top of that is this new feeling that if I could possibly be lucky enough to have a relationship with someone, it will end with them just not loving me or them using me and tossing me in the trash. That has been implanted in me deeply for 18 months with what my exwife did.
Its not fair. I hate it. Its a byproduct of someone who used me and manipulated me in the cruelest ways. I think I know how to escape it - this new person (or anyone after) is not my ex. I know who I am, I'm one of the good guys. I have faith that God is putting me somewhere for some reason (this is a new thing for me). I know my past doesn't define my future.
I get all that. What I'm saying is those feelings rear their ugly head - and I have found a new level of hate for my exwife for doing all of this. Maybe that's normal?
I have 0.00% want for my exwife and in fact, I don't want to ever talk to or see her again. She is a pathetic, laying piece of trash human being and I want nothing to do with her. I don't WANT to hate her .... boy its sure hard not to