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Daughter doesn't want to know - she knows something inappropriate happened

I told her last night if she wants to know any truths, ask me and I'll give them to her. How much she knows I don't know. I'll tell her when she's ready, if she's ever ready.

I'm renting a storage unit tonight - $90 for 2 months. Moving all her stuff and giving her the key. This way, she has access and can't say I'm keeping anything from her. That's worth the $90 to free my garage
Smart move.......I'd ask for the $90 back. When....she melts down.

It's coming.........be patient.

It will be shocking "in a way" but entertaining in others
 

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Discussion Starter #262
"Are you telling us that you did not tell your kids that their mother had an affair and left yo"

My son knew before I knew - he carries guilt from it and he hates her.

My daughter knows there was an affair of some type - she was in college and I don't think she has any idea the cruel every day things my wife did every week.

Look ... I'm not in the game of trying to destroy someone. My exwife did horrible things, still doing horrible things IMO and it'll catch up with her and in many ways it already has. When my daughter wants to know, she'll ask. Me, or someone else .... in her time.

I don't want to control her, manipulate her or anything like that. I have always told my kids the truth on things, but there is also a difference in discussing things and saying truths and then forcing things they are not ready to hear.

No .... I'm not going to pour the truths on her if she's not ready. In that, I think ya'll are wrong for me and for my daughter.


good news - no texts today !!
 

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"Are you telling us that you did not tell your kids that their mother had an affair and left yo"

My son knew before I knew - he carries guilt from it and he hates her.

My daughter knows there was an affair of some type - she was in college and I don't think she has any idea the cruel every day things my wife did every week.

Look ... I'm not in the game of trying to destroy someone. My exwife did horrible things, still doing horrible things IMO and it'll catch up with her and in many ways it already has. When my daughter wants to know, she'll ask. Me, or someone else .... in her time.

I don't want to control her, manipulate her or anything like that. I have always told my kids the truth on things, but there is also a difference in discussing things and saying truths and then forcing things they are not ready to hear.

No .... I'm not going to pour the truths on her if she's not ready. In that, I think ya'll are wrong for me and for my daughter.

good news - no texts today !!
Well isn't that so altruistic of you...

You run you life like you want to, that is your right.

Prediction: Your daughter will be angry at you when she finds out the truth. She will get over it, so maybe you are right.

I wish you well.
 

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Or make it contingent that refi'ing the truck will come off the top of you doing the house.
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Do it this way, regardless, get with your lawyer and you little hit if you even get one you called Toyota already. But pay the truck of from her share.

You an oak good to see a strong backbone.
 

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".

Look ... I'm not in the game of trying to destroy someone. My exwife did horrible things, still doing horrible things IMO and it'll catch up with her and in many ways it already has. When my daughter wants to know, she'll ask. Me, or someone else .... in her time.

good news - no texts today !!
But it's not destroying, but setting the record straight from this point forward. There's a difference and doing this for your kids is a must. This is a example to them

"just how an adult deal with problems and don't push it under the rug"

This is a life lesson for their benefit, not because you see it as guilt. And when they are older they will see you for the great father that you are and strong even enough for them.

Show them how to be adults. It's never too early in life this is what we do as parents, and why we make the hard choices and not let them play in the street.
 

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But it's not destroying, but setting the record straight from this point forward. There's a difference and doing this for your kids is a must. This is a example to them

"just how an adult deal with problems and don't push it under the rug"

This is a life lesson for their benefit, not because you see it as guilt. And when they are older they will see you for the great father that you are and strong even enough for them.

Show them how to be adults. It's never too early in life this is what we do as parents, and why we make the hard choices and not let them play in the street.
I think we are wasting our time with this. He does not see it this way.

And maybe that works for him. For me, whether people, kids, partners, whoever likes it or not, I have always felt honesty was the best policy.

Further, to his credit, even though I don't agree with the way that he feels, at least he had the balls to get rid of his cheating wife.

I think some of his thinking might change once he really processes all of this and all that his wife did to him and his family.

I know I sure became a smarter, albeit harder person.
 

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Do it this way, regardless, get with your lawyer and you little hit if you even get one you called Toyota already. But pay the truck of from her share.

You an oak good to see a strong backbone.
LOL. Would you please do me a favor and start reviewing your posts before hitting submit? I'm going cross-eyed trying to figure it out.
 

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Daughter doesn't want to know - she knows something inappropriate happened

I told her last night if she wants to know any truths, ask me and I'll give them to her. How much she knows I don't know. I'll tell her when she's ready, if she's ever ready.

I'm renting a storage unit tonight - $90 for 2 months. Moving all her stuff and giving her the key. This way, she has access and can't say I'm keeping anything from her. That's worth the $90 to free my garage
Well isn't that so altruistic of you...

You run you life like you want to, that is your right.

Prediction: Your daughter will be angry at you when she finds out the truth. She will get over it, so maybe you are right.

I wish you well.
@BluesPower
His daughter knows what happened and he offered to tell her the whole scoop if she wants to know. He's handling this the right way.
What do you expect him to do, pin her down and make her listen? Yeah ... Nah.
 

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Brother, you have not waivered in your resolve, well done. As your ex-wife has been hit with the bills can her young toy boy pay for them? As it is no longer your problem, if her car gets repossessed or she gets a bad credit mark, how is it problem? She has re written the marriage, so she can deal with her consequences, from that she has sewn.
Be there for the children, date who and when you want.
Time to nuke the boy toys life.
Buffer
 

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Discussion Starter #271
Rubixed Cubed "What do you expect him to do, pin her down and make her listen? Yeah ... Nah."

That's exactly it. I'm not going to sit her down and tell her all the horrible things her mom did until she wants to know. She has been clear to me she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm confident I'm doing it the right way. My daughter KNOWS I tell the truth, she's had 20 years of it. When she wants it all, she will ask and it will be in HER time, not mine.


My refi might go through by end of next week - in 2 weeks time, my ex will have $100,000 for her to pay all her back bills, credit cards, get a new apartment (he cousin is telling her to leave the free condo she's in, don't know exactly all that went down there but it has to do with lying about her boyfriend) ..... she will have money and that'll make her temporarily happy. My son still hate her, nothing I can say is changing his view of her and truthfully, I cannot argue with him. She's a low down, cruel, selfish, prideful, manipulative woman who uses anyone and everyone to get what she needs. I don't want those kinds of people in my life - my son doesn't either.
 

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@BluesPower
His daughter knows what happened and he offered to tell her the whole scoop if she wants to know. He's handling this the right way.
What do you expect him to do, pin her down and make her listen? Yeah ... Nah.
I already wished him well and agreed with his right to do it his way. Not sure what you are getting out.

She knows something happened is not really the same as knowing. I have some experience with this.

My kids lived my hell with me, and yet when I spoke to them about what happened they had a totally different and skewed view of what when on. I had to set them straight and I was not trying to "protect" anyone.

However, Kids, see things with a kids mind in a lot of situations, even young adults and teenagers.
 

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Discussion Starter #273
BluesPower - my daughter didn't live it - she has no idea the daily things my ex did. When she wants to know, I'll share/explain. My ex destroyed, that's what she did and my daughter will see it in her own time, I don't have to accelerate it.


I keep coming back to this ..... because someday, maybe someone will read this whole thing and get something from it. Maybe it'll be important to someone.

I virtually met someone on a dating site. We exchanged messages for days and then talked on the phone for hours. Same age as me, married a bit longer, kids are just a bit older ... different reasons for divorce than me but going through it all is similar. I met her for lunch yesterday for the first time. As I know her so far, super easy to talk to, intelligent, modest, alone ..... she can be an awesome friend if nothing else.

This cheating/divorce thing..... damaged me. I've been warned about "healing" and "time" ..... I can see why those warnings are given.

It really hit home yesterday because understand I've not "dated' or even looked really at another woman in 25 years. All the weirdness of "do I like her" "am I attracted to her" ... I noticed her dimples, the way she brushed her hair to the side. Do I give her a hug? What would it be like to hold her hand? I can't imagine a kiss but ...... as I'm thinking of all this later, it occurred to me .... my ex-wife went through ALL OF THAT except she did it while we were married. She went through every little step of the nuances of forging a relationship with someone WHILE MARRIED TO ME. She'd do this on the side, come home, kiss me, sleep with me ..... and how she juggled that I will never ever understand. Its psycho, its not normal

It fuels another kind of hatred and I'm having a hard time controlling it. On top of that is this new feeling that if I could possibly be lucky enough to have a relationship with someone, it will end with them just not loving me or them using me and tossing me in the trash. That has been implanted in me deeply for 18 months with what my exwife did.

Its not fair. I hate it. Its a byproduct of someone who used me and manipulated me in the cruelest ways. I think I know how to escape it - this new person (or anyone after) is not my ex. I know who I am, I'm one of the good guys. I have faith that God is putting me somewhere for some reason (this is a new thing for me). I know my past doesn't define my future.

I get all that. What I'm saying is those feelings rear their ugly head - and I have found a new level of hate for my exwife for doing all of this. Maybe that's normal?

I have 0.00% want for my exwife and in fact, I don't want to ever talk to or see her again. She is a pathetic, laying piece of trash human being and I want nothing to do with her. I don't WANT to hate her .... boy its sure hard not to :(
 

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Yes I came back to it. But I left it alone after you commented about how you felt about your choices...

But I was replying to someone else who commented on it.

Let me be completely clear about this.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT TO DO. NO PROBLEM.

Some of us may disagree with some things that you have done and some my be completely on your page.

From my perspective, you got out of infidelity as quickly as you could and I applaud you for that.

Carry on...
 

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I keep coming back to this ..... because someday, maybe someone will read this whole thing and get something from it. Maybe it'll be important to someone.

I virtually met someone on a dating site. We exchanged messages for days and then talked on the phone for hours. Same age as me, married a bit longer, kids are just a bit older ... different reasons for divorce than me but going through it all is similar. I met her for lunch yesterday for the first time. As I know her so far, super easy to talk to, intelligent, modest, alone ..... she can be an awesome friend if nothing else.

This cheating/divorce thing..... damaged me. I've been warned about "healing" and "time" ..... I can see why those warnings are given.

It really hit home yesterday because understand I've not "dated' or even looked really at another woman in 25 years. All the weirdness of "do I like her" "am I attracted to her" ... I noticed her dimples, the way she brushed her hair to the side. Do I give her a hug? What would it be like to hold her hand? I can't imagine a kiss but ...... as I'm thinking of all this later, it occurred to me .... my ex-wife went through ALL OF THAT except she did it while we were married. She went through every little step of the nuances of forging a relationship with someone WHILE MARRIED TO ME. She'd do this on the side, come home, kiss me, sleep with me ..... and how she juggled that I will never ever understand. Its psycho, its not normal

It fuels another kind of hatred and I'm having a hard time controlling it. On top of that is this new feeling that if I could possibly be lucky enough to have a relationship with someone, it will end with them just not loving me or them using me and tossing me in the trash. That has been implanted in me deeply for 18 months with what my exwife did.

Its not fair. I hate it. Its a byproduct of someone who used me and manipulated me in the cruelest ways. I think I know how to escape it - this new person (or anyone after) is not my ex. I know who I am, I'm one of the good guys. I have faith that God is putting me somewhere for some reason (this is a new thing for me). I know my past doesn't define my future.

I get all that. What I'm saying is those feelings rear their ugly head - and I have found a new level of hate for my exwife for doing all of this. Maybe that's normal?

I have 0.00% want for my exwife and in fact, I don't want to ever talk to or see her again. She is a pathetic, laying piece of trash human being and I want nothing to do with her. I don't WANT to hate her .... boy its sure hard not to :(
On a completely different subject... Everything, and I mean every single feeling, that you wrote about is normal. Completely normal. Almost everyone in your situation has felt them.

You are normal. And, sorry to say, some of these feelings dissipate over time and some of them stay with you.

I just encourage you to be patient... Also, gentle as a lamb and clever as a fox...
 

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At least keep an eye out and make sure your XW doesn’t manipulate your daughter in to becoming her tool.
 

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Discussion Starter #277
so yesterday .... my daughter last night was driving to stay with her mom and then on to her apartment in her college town and she opened up a path for me to talk and I did. She tried to say things like "well, you and mom were never a match" or " mom spent 20 years making everyone else happy and just wanted to be happy for herself" and I was like NO. That's all lies - and shared very hard truths with her for about 15-20 minutes until she said said stop, I don't want to hear anymore. So later, she sent me a couple of texts .... communication is still there so, those are good things. She did say she doesn't want to come "home" ever again. My ex ruined that too :( but truth? I'd not stay in this house either if I had a good quick way out.

also ... and I'm sharing all this for people who might be going through similar ....


I'm telling ya'll this ... as almost a journal for others? I wish I'd have found a thread like this 11 months ago myself.


I had a date last night with a beautiful woman ... we have talked a lot lately, had a lunch, and tonight dinner and it was amazing. I went 57 days without a meaningful hug or kiss. The damage done by narcissists like my ex is unfair, cruel .... but it doesn't define us.

Today, I'm happy and that's good enough for me
 
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