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The 180 is not a game. It is not to try and get her back. It is for you to help you detach. It is to give you a stronger mindset. It has helped countless people to begin to heal. It is a form of triage.

You were the one to claim that you wanted to gain something out of this, some sort of victory. Every person that comes here has suffered through the same thing as you have, some under much worse circumstances.

This is not to demean your pain. It is painful to read your suffering. But, the general wisdom of the place is not to be denied.

We are not advising you on how to get her back; quite the opposite. We have seen the scenario many times. We are trying to give you support to help overcome the worst pain a person can suffer, betrayal by a loved and trusted one. Even Jesus Christ suffered this.

Good luck. I wish you only the best for you and your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #202
skerzoid it says things like "Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner."

to me, that just feels like game playing

"Every person that comes here has suffered through the same thing as you have, some under much worse circumstances"

I wish I'd have come to this site 9 months ago. My story is so much like so many others.

I'll also add this - the counselor that we went to? NOT good. I don't know if that's common to get bad counseling, but our counseling was emotional based where I was told every week that if I came towards my wife in love, in softer ways, she'd respond with love and in softer ways .... that healing could happen blah blah blah. It was in many ways opposite of the 180 plan. Seriously - but that's over and done and gone now.



Thanks again for the many replies. I wonder how I'll look back at this thread in 1 year ?
 

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I'll also add this - the counselor that we went to? NOT good. I don't know if that's common to get bad counseling, but our counseling was emotional based where I was told every week that if I came towards my wife in love, in softer ways, she'd respond with love and in softer ways .... that healing could happen blah blah blah. It was in many ways opposite of the 180 plan. Seriously - but that's over and done and gone now.
I got the sense that most marriage counselling is to solve problems in an intact relationship. I'm sure it helps couples who sincerely still love and trust one another but may have problems communicating, or need help staying strong through an external issue.

Most counselling is not designed for crisis and disaster management and recovery from damage caused by one of the partners.

It's oil and filter change and tire rotation maintenance. It's not body work after a nasty collision repairs.

All the oil changes in the world cannot help if the car should be written off.

I did two stints of marriage counselling. The first psychologist that we went to soon after I discovered my ex's affair told us that there wasn't anything that could be done until my ex's affair partner was out of the picture. My ex hated the psychologist and fumed that he was clearly on my side, and didn't do anything he asked of us (including ending the affair!). I figured out that my ex's only goal in the counselling was to get me to accept an open relationship. We stopped going.

Then we floundered on our own for a few months while my ex got sneakier and sneakier about continuing the affair. I'd keep figuring it out, and finally asked for counselling again with a different psychologist. This one sat us down and told us that she could tell when one person in the relationship wanted out but didn't have the courage to say so. My ex nodded silently, and that was it.

I owe my sanity today to that second counsellor. I don't know how long I'd have continued to smoke the hopium thinking that my ex would have a magic epiphany and stop cheating and transform back into the loving spouse I thought I had.

Marriage counselling could have helped so many of us if we had sought it out when the relationship was good, to do simple maintenance work. Maintenance doesn't do any good after the engine has seized and the brakes have failed and you're careening off a cliff your spouse aimed you at.

Thanks again for the many replies. I wonder how I'll look back at this thread in 1 year ?
You'll be in a much better place, mourning the dead marriage your wife killed, hopefully nearing the end of the divorce process, and understanding that the pain you felt at this point was a necessary part of the process. You, like many/most of us, needed to go to the ends of the earth to try to save the marriage before you ended it, because that's the type of person you are.

All our advice comes from a position of hindsight, where we wish we had been able to get out and start healing sooner. We always hope new people will be able to get out sooner than we did so they will suffer less pain than we did.

Do I wish I had kicked my ex out the night I discovered the affair? Of course I do. But that's with the benefit of hindsight. At the time, I was shocked, reeling, in crisis, not eating, not sleeping, my planned future was collapsing, and I was in very poor condition to do something that required such strength. And I'm a tenacious, dependable person of integrity, who keeps my word, finishes what I start, works hard on things I commit to, and assumes everyone else does the same. I honestly believed for many months that my ex was going through a mid-life crisis, but would eventually realize the mistake and work hard to make everything right again. I look back at things I wrote during that time, and see that I maintained that integrity and optimism through the anger and the pain, and that says a lot of good things about me. And, frankly, terrible things about my ex who took advantage of that.
 

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Discussion Starter #204
"that my ex would have a magic epiphany and stop cheating and transform back into the loving spouse I thought I had."

I had Divorce Care today, did a bit of praying, lots of reflecting the last few days ..... and tonight I feel different

How ?

I've thought about my soon to be x-wife ..... today like I do everyday bit ... but its not the thoughts of "oh I'm so sad for the wonderful person I've lost" .... its thoughts of "I'm glad the horrible person she became is out of my life"

Sure, I'll always "miss" .... but today? Something seemed to change and the horrible person she became is now trumping the memories I had of her wonderful

I'm sure I'll relapse from time to time .... less and less. This is a big week coming, seeing the lawyer get the signed papers, knowing the time frame ahead etc.


Hopeful Cynic - I like your "hopium" word :)
 

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@Arkansas your ex is your ex wife.

But she is also your son's ex mother

She doesn't love either of you.

The wife and mother she was is dead, murdered by the pod person who has replaced her.

Maybe you and your son could grieve for the woman she was.
 

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Discussion Starter #208
"so i could hate her..."

I'm not going to hate. If I did, that would impact my soul and me


"But she is also your son's ex mother

She doesn't love either of you."


I would say she loves her son, but that she and herself is just far more important. College, running, herself, working out, her boyfriend ... those things are more important than her son and somehow in her mind, she justifies it all

Me? She managed in her mind to not even remember me as a good husband now. Not that it matters to me a whole lot anymore.

"Maybe you and your son could grieve for the woman she was."

my son calls her mom when talking about who she used to be ... he uses her first name when talking about who she is now .... its his way of separating

:(


fricking sad .... and she doesn't get it at all. She's truly oblivious to the damage she's done in many ways.
 

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"so i could hate her..."

I'm not going to hate. If I did, that would impact my soul and me


"But she is also your son's ex mother

She doesn't love either of you."


I would say she loves her son, but that she and herself is just far more important. College, running, herself, working out, her boyfriend ... those things are more important than her son and somehow in her mind, she justifies it all

Me? She managed in her mind to not even remember me as a good husband now. Not that it matters to me a whole lot anymore.

"Maybe you and your son could grieve for the woman she was."

my son calls her mom when talking about who she used to be ... he uses her first name when talking about who she is now .... its his way of separating

:(


fricking sad .... and she doesn't get it at all. She's truly oblivious to the damage she's done in many ways.
But this is what you said that made me think she doesn't, really, love you or her son anymore:

my son is having a hard time at 18 with this - he said last night 50% of him is me, 50% is his mom ... if mom hates me, then mom hates 50% of him too .... that was a hard conversation to have. Why did she destroy our family? why did she leave me 1/2 way through my SR year in high school? Why doesn't she want to be around for Sr pictures, prom, etc? I don't have those answers because she doesn't want me at all either
 

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Discussion Starter #211
"but the detachment is becoming rather difficult and painful..."

I had to meet her to sign a tax document today ... and it was difficult, a bit more so than I expected. I was bound heart, body and soul to her for 24 years ..... this SHOULD be difficult and painful

That said ... today those few minutes that I felt super sad I pushed them away and its not going to change the rest of my day. I could be divorced as soon as 3 weeks - can't wait to be honest.

MattMatt " But this is what you said that made me think she doesn't, really, love you or her son anymore:"

maybe she doesn't .... I'd hate to think she doesn't love her son but maybe she truly is in a place where she cannot love anyone but herself.

I don't know - but I'll not tell either of my kids to question their mom's love ... that's not for me to say to them.
 

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I don't know - but I'll not tell either of my kids to question their mom's love ... that's not for me to say to them.
I agree, however, you may have to deal with them asking you about it. It is possible, maybe even probable, that they will question whether she loves them, or not and they may want to discuss that with you.
 

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Discussion Starter #214
update

lawyer said maybe by March 14-20th time frame depending on courts/judge scheduling

A week ago today I met with her for a few minutes, nothing since. She did text her son Saturday asking for him to water her plants (yes, she left them all here for the last 4 weeks)

Today, she texted me and said hey, did you change the locks again? I replied yes, so son can have a key to go in and out and if she needed anything from the house I'd leave work and meet her in 30 minutes. No reply

When I got home, my neighbor D called and said hey, don't want to get in the middle of it all, but my wife had asked her to come over and get the plants, and then my wife would go to my neighbors house in the next few days and get them

How childish IMO. Is she 17? In the coming weeks, she's going to HAVE to meet me to get all her stuff out of my garage, to sign/quick deed the properties so she can get her 100K

This not talking then has been an issue for 24 years - and it still is !! when she does this, makes it a lot easier to not have any sad emotions

I'm maybe 14-16 days give/take from being divorced.
 

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Discussion Starter #216 (Edited)
01-29-2020, 05:59 PM

48 days since I started this thread .............Divorce was finalized today, 9:45 am CST

wow


I texted her today and said you are free, you no longer need my help, comfort or love. I said I wish you happiness, I forgive you and will always think of the million memories we had, just wished we'd have had it for life. I told her before God I gave her my heart and soul to do with as she chose, and now I feel I've lost 1/2 my heart and soul. I told her good bye

defriended her from facebook, I will not engage in any discussions, she's no longer my responsibility or concern.

my my how life changes
 

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01-29-2020, 05:59 PM

48 days since I started this thread .............Divorce was finalized today, 9:45 am CST

wow


I texted her today and said you are free, you no longer need my help, comfort or love. I said I wish you happiness, I forgive you and will always think of the million memories we had, just wished we'd have had it for life. I told her before God I gave her my heart and soul to do with as she chose, and now I feel I've lost 1/2 my heart and soul. I told her good bye

defriended her from facebook, I will not engage in any discussions, she's no longer my responsibility or concern.

my my how life changes
God has truly tested you, and for the better, I might add! You may not realize it now, but in time it will come to be more than crystal-clear!

And you will be a far better man for it!
 

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01-29-2020, 05:59 PM

48 days since I started this thread .............Divorce was finalized today, 9:45 am CST

wow


I texted her today and said you are free, you no longer need my help, comfort or love. I said I wish you happiness, I forgive you and will always think of the million memories we had, just wished we'd have had it for life. I told her before God I gave her my heart and soul to do with as she chose, and now I feel I've lost 1/2 my heart and soul. I told her good bye

defriended her from facebook, I will not engage in any discussions, she's no longer my responsibility or concern.

my my how life changes
@Arkansas, your heartfelt message to her breaks my heart but it speaks to your classiness. Your honesty and vulnerability, even in light of everything that has happened, is remarkable.

I know it hurts right now but you will get through this. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even next month but eventually you will.

Have you looked into joining divorce recovery groups in your area? I joined one at my church and it helped me a lot. Divorcecare has great programs nationwide and they are free. Give them a shot.
 

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Haven't read your entire thread, just your first post, but in case you haven't found the answer to....
"What I am asking ... has anyone had a marriage end like that? Where 24 years, the woman just goes crazy, has an affair with a 21 year old kid, blames everyone, rewrites our marriage past almost to justify her actions"

The answer is this "abused as a young girl".... unresolved CSA is notorious for causing severe issues into adulthood, and out character behavior, this was the issue with my W affair 7 years ago. She will struggle in many areas of her life until her CSA is fully deal with..... Good luck and stay strong, divorce wasn't your fault.

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk
 

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01-29-2020, 05:59 PM

48 days since I started this thread .............Divorce was finalized today, 9:45 am CST

wow


I texted her today and said you are free, you no longer need my help, comfort or love. I said I wish you happiness, I forgive you and will always think of the million memories we had, just wished we'd have had it for life. I told her before God I gave her my heart and soul to do with as she chose, and now I feel I've lost 1/2 my heart and soul. I told her good bye

defriended her from facebook, I will not engage in any discussions, she's no longer my responsibility or concern.

my my how life changes
I am in awe...... this is legend. You took the bull by the horns while you grieve.

Obviously you will come out of this just fine. Just remember when she comes crawling back.....

Tell her to depart your door. A Jedi you are on your path to be

Keep posting............ keep reaching for the stars
 
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