Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 107 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi
Am new here, have joined the forum because I have put my sweet wife in such a tough situation.

We have just completed a month of our wedding, at this stage both of us are staying in different countries while i am waiting for her to come over.

Last weekend, i visited a strip club with a friend. She knew about it and she was fine with it. At the strip club I ended up getting a lap dance, and then left the place immediately.

Why did i do it? Because i was too curious, i had never seen a lapdance, in fact it was the 2nd time i had been to a strip joint. And my buddy got one and said its no big deal. But it was a very awkward experience for me. I do not want to experience it again.

I returned, told my sweetie everything upfront on phone. Afterall i had always maintained that i would be transparent.

The poor girl has not been able to talk to me properly ever since. She says she keeps on picturing this woman over me and she will not be able to move past.

I feel terrible, i have hurt the person i value the most in life. I do not know how to move past this. I wish i could go back in time and undo it, but i cannot.

What do i do to make things right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,973 Posts
You admit you made a selfish choice and were not thinking of how it would hurt her. You then promise to talk about boundaries with your wife. You both agree to some boundaries and move forward. I doubt she is gonna be okay with you going back to a strip club for a while though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
587 Posts
You admit you made a selfish choice and were not thinking of how it would hurt her. You then promise to talk about boundaries with your wife. You both agree to some boundaries and move forward. I doubt she is gonna be okay with you going back to a strip club for a while though.
:iagree:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
You admit you made a selfish choice and were not thinking of how it would hurt her. You then promise to talk about boundaries with your wife. You both agree to some boundaries and move forward. I doubt she is gonna be okay with you going back to a strip club for a while though.
I am not interested in visiting the place again. It was morbid curiousity that caught me, they have nothing more to offer.
But, i want her to feel okay, it feels terrible to have hurt her. I don't know how to make her feel better :-(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
587 Posts
I am not interested in visiting the place again. It was morbid curiousity that caught me, they have nothing more to offer.
But, i want her to feel okay, it feels terrible to have hurt her. I don't know how to make her feel better :-(
Time....it's just going to take time. There really is no quick fix for something like this because what has happened cannot be undone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,973 Posts
I am not interested in visiting the place again. It was morbid curiousity that caught me, they have nothing more to offer.
But, i want her to feel okay, it feels terrible to have hurt her. I don't know how to make her feel better :-(
You can't MAKE her feel better. You can do your best to ensure that you are both on the same page with boundaries with members of the opposite sex.

You might want to address WHY you thought it was okay to have another woman rubbing herself all over you so soon after you took your marriage vows. THAT is going to be what she wants to know, and "curiosity" isn't going to settle the issue for her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Maybe in the future, you should not do things that you know will hurt your wife?

Seems like basic common sense - we all know our limits, IMO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
You can't MAKE her feel better. You can do your best to ensure that you are both on the same page with boundaries with members of the opposite sex.

You might want to address WHY you thought it was okay to have another woman rubbing herself all over you so soon after you took your marriage vows. THAT is going to be what she wants to know, and "curiosity" isn't going to settle the issue for her.
I am clear about being on the same page.
I really do not have any answer about why i did it except what i said. Indeed it was a foolish thing, my buddy telling me its no big deal also didn't help either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Time heals all,well almost all.I had some pretty crappy things done to me too.All I can say is I'll never forget but I will forgive..Seems like I'm always on guard now :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
You need to get down on your knees and beg your wife to forgive you 1000x. Tell her all the time how sorry you are and that it will NEVER happen again.

You also need to come up with a better answer as to why you did it than "I don't know". Maybe go to a couple of individual counseling sessions and figure it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
Allow me to play the insensitive oaf here:

1. Your wife's reaction seems an overreaction. She had no problem with you going to a strip club. So she apparently could readily accept you ogling naked women from a short distance. But ogling a naked woman from your lap is something she can't get past? Hmmm.

2. Unless she specifically told you she didn't want you getting a lap dance, and you specifically agreed to respect that wish, you've done nothing wrong. A lap dance is a common part of the strip club experience. She

3. What happens in strip clubs stays in strip clubs. I only mean that half-jokingly. It's admirable of you to be honest with your wife about going to one. It's foolish to detail everything that occurs within. Again, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't cheat. You didn't disrespect her wishes. You didn't act inappropriately (by the low standards of a strip club at least). You had nothing to confess. So don't act as if you're guilty of some great sin. You're not.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,818 Posts
Short of never going there again - I think you've done about all you can do.

Honestly - I never thought of it as "cheating" before I'd read the reactions of some of the female users on this site. And aparrently your wife is one of those women who thinks its a very serious breach of boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,156 Posts
Well,
Since she knew you were going to the strip club, was there an understanding of what was going to be ok and what wasn't? I see the whole strip club thing as kind of silly in my mind.:confused:

"ok, you can go to a strip club but don't look" or

"you can go to a club but only look at the ones that are less cute than me"... or

"ok, you can go and look, but no lap dances" or

"ok, you can go and have a lap dance but only for 1 song" (there was a recent post about an inappropriate lap dance duration...)

You see where I am going with this?

I believe the best policy is not to go to sexually oriented businesses, unless accompanied by your wife at her request.

As far as your situation, I would simply apologize and tell her it won't happen again and make sure it doesn't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Allow me to play the insensitive oaf here:

1. Your wife's reaction seems an overreaction. She had no problem with you going to a strip club. So she apparently could readily accept you ogling naked women from a short distance. But ogling a naked woman from your lap is something she can't get past? Hmmm.

2. Unless she specifically told you she didn't want you getting a lap dance, and you specifically agreed to respect that wish, you've done nothing wrong. A lap dance is a common part of the strip club experience. She

3. What happens in strip clubs stays in strip clubs. I only mean that half-jokingly. It's admirable of you to be honest with your wife about going to one. It's foolish to detail everything that occurs within. Again, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't cheat. You didn't disrespect her wishes. You didn't act inappropriately (by the low standards of a strip club at least). You had nothing to confess. So don't act as if you're guilty of some great sin. You're not.
Posted via Mobile Device
1. Yes, she was okay. If she weren't i wouldn't have gone. We were frank about it.
2. No, we didn't discuss the lap dance.
3. I didn't detail everything but i told her that i got the lap dance.
I do feel guilty about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
You need to get down on your knees and beg your wife to forgive you 1000x. Tell her all the time how sorry you are and that it will NEVER happen again.

You also need to come up with a better answer as to why you did it than "I don't know". Maybe go to a couple of individual counseling sessions and figure it out.
On his knees begging forgiveness? Counseling? Over a lap dance?
Good Lord ....
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
On his knees begging forgiveness? Counseling? Over a lap dance?
Good Lord ....
Posted via Mobile Device
FK - If it's causing this much of a problem, then yes, counseling...I've read several of your posts/replies before - and you seem ahem...a little argumentative at times. It's a little insulting to those who come here looking for answers to their problems. No one likes to be made to look a fool.

OP - I say do what you have to do to get your wife to forgive you. It'll take time, but I'm sure she will - your offence is relatively minor compared to some.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
FK - If it's causing this much of a problem, then yes, counseling...I've read several of your posts/replies before - and you seem ahem...a little argumentative at times. It's a little insulting to those who come here looking for answers to their problems. No one likes to be made to look a fool.

OP - I say do what you have to do to get your wife to forgive you. It'll take time, but I'm sure she will - your offence is relatively minor compared to some.
Thanks.
Maybe it needs time, i just need to be patient. I know for some it is a no big deal but for her it isn't and that's what matters to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
FK - If it's causing this much of a problem, then yes, counseling...I've read several of your posts/replies before - and you seem ahem...a little argumentative at times. It's a little insulting to those who come here looking for answers to their problems. No one likes to be made to look a fool.

OP - I say do what you have to do to get your wife to forgive you. It'll take time, but I'm sure she will - your offence is relatively minor compared to some.
Not argumentative, just injecting some common sense into some occasionally over-the-top responses.
No one needs to go see a psychologist or a counselor to find out why he got a single lap dance. That suggestion is absurd. If saying so is insulting to someone, that's not my intent, but I can live with it.

Even you describe it as a minor offense. I say it's no offense because there was never an indication beforehand that she disapproved, or any agreement that he wouldn't partake. To the contrary, she was 'fine' with him going to a strip club, a place where lap dances are a matter of routine. It's like telling one's wife to take the credit card to her favorite store then getting upset when she returns home with packages. (Yeah, that may be a bit of a stereotype, but the point stands).
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,644 Posts
Not argumentative, just injecting some common sense into some occasionally over-the-top responses.
No one needs to go see a psychologist or a counselor to find out why he got a single lap dance. That suggestion is absurd. If saying so is insulting to someone, that's not my intent, but I can live with it.
Even you describe it as a minor offense. I say it's no offense because there was never an indication beforehand that she disapproved, or any agreement that he wouldn't partake. To the contrary, she was 'fine' with him going to a strip club, a place where lap dances are a matter of routine. It's like telling one's wife to take the credit card to her favorite store than getting upset when she returns home with packages. (Yeah, that may be a bit of a stereotype, but the point stands).
Posted via Mobile Device
Perhaps she was under the impression he would "look but not touch". I think lap dances cross the line personally in to cheating territory for a married person. I mean they literally grind on you with nothing but your pants/her thong separating genitals. In many case, the man ejaculates. So yes, I do view it as more than a minor offense. If she said "Bye honey have a great time having Crystal grind on you" and then got upset that he did, that's a different story. If she was under the impression that Crystal was 30 feet away, she has every right to feel cheated on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Guys,
Its okay. I don't want you to get into an argument with each other. I value everyone's opinion. I know some of them seem over the top too...but its okay, it does help me.
All i have been looking for is a hope that its not the end of the world and she'll be okay.
We are a young couple and atleast one of us (me) is not as mature too!
 
1 - 20 of 107 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top