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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and have been separated for 5 mos. I have been trying to work things out but Im still hurt my is affairs. Now he has entered into a relationship with a 20 year old (he is 14 years her senior). He works on the road and she has left school to join him. He will not communicate with me. The few times I have I point blank ask him what he plans on doing as far as our marriage goes. He does not respond. Others ask and he does not respond. The last time I talked to him I asked him again if he wants to work on our marriage, if not Ill even file for divorce with no hard feelings. His response to this question is "what do you mean?". He goes on to say that he does not know what will happen in the future. Now Im hearing from his family members that he is trying to have a child with this girl and he plans on purchasing a home with her in another state. Why wont he tell me this so I can move on? He is being cruel on purpose by stringing me along playing with my feelings? He knows I want us to get back together. If he plans on staying with her why cant he tell me so I can try to move on and be happy instead of hoping he will return? Or does he not know what he wants to do?
 

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Hey. I'm really sorry you're going through this. May I suggest you take the initiative and file for divorce? Get him served instead of waiting on him to make a decision??
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Apart of me wants to file but the other wants us to work if possible. he travels on the road so he doesn't have an address other than mine right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You are right. His actions speak volumes. If this is so why cant he communicate this to me so I can have closure?
 

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Possibly because if you leave him, he's not the "bad guy". At least not in his eyes. Stop looking to him got closure. Start taking ownership of your own life and future.

C
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You are right. His actions speak volumes. If this is so why cant he communicate this to me so I can have closure?
He may be:

1 - A bad communicator
2 - Hedging his options (so he can come back if it all blows up, or if he has a stroke and needs someone to wipe his behind and change his diapers)
3 - Hoping you'd ease the guilt by filing so he can blame you later on for breaking up the marriage

I really don't know. Only he can answer that question.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Do you love yourself?
I do love myself and I love my husband. I just want us to work. I thought if he ever loved me he would at least communicate his real feelings to me so I won't hurt anymore.
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You're his plan B. He knows its shaky that a women this young will stay with someone his age for long, but he wants her. What he doesn't want is to be rejected by her and not have you to come back to.

He's on the road having the time of his life with this women and has no idea how long it will last. So he does everything in his power to postpone and delay committing any answer to your question. Which is why he is ignoring you. This also explains why he would want to get her pregnant as he hopes this ties her to him.

I'd file for divorce and move on with your life. I'm not sure about your whole story and how he's treated you throughout the relationship, but it sounds like he is showing his true colors now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Im starting to believe this too. I just wish I didnt love him as I do. I just cant believe he would throw his marriage to the side for a 20 year old. he brings her around his friends and makes all these plans with her. Its like he pretends I don't exist like we never were together. I just wish the pain would end.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I even tried to email him but she checks his email. she sent me an email posing as him requesting that i file for divorce. i knew by the way the email was written that he did not right it. i sent one back calling her by name letting her know i knew she sent the email. she sent one back claiming that she did it based off what he has said and she was trying to make it easier for me. when I talked to him last and told him about this he said that he saw the emails and she is young so don't feed into it. Im like this is your response to me?
 

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Just do the 180. Work on making yourself happy and move on. You can't change him and nothing you do or say will. Pleading and begging will only make you less attractive to him and drive him away. Hanging on will only prolong how painful this is for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you....
 

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what is the 180?
I wish this site would make a sticky of this, but here it is.

The 180

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
thank you for the 180. i wish i had learned of this sooner. i think my situation would be different now. i think hemay see me in an unattractive light because I tried so hard to get him to talk by constantly calling, email and texting. i wish i could go back
 

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thank you for the 180. i wish i had learned of this sooner. i think my situation would be different now. i think hemay see me in an unattractive light because I tried so hard to get him to talk by constantly calling, email and texting. i wish i could go back
Don't feel bad. I wish I had read this site years ago and maybe I'd still be married. I also pleaded, begged, cried uncontrollably etc when my wife told me she no longer loved me. I think you can go down the list of what 'not' to do and its everything I did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I have to be honest in that I still want him back. Have I ruined my chances since I behaved in a "desperate" manner with the constant calls and texts until he changed his number? It just breaks my heart when I hear what he is really doing with her and planning their future from his sister-in-law. I can move on with my life but my personal life would be in a standstill. Why I do I suffer when he cheated?
 

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I have to be honest in that I still want him back. Have I ruined my chances since I behaved in a "desperate" manner with the constant calls and texts until he changed his number?
No one can answer that, but him. The only thing you can do is move forward with purpose and hope for the best.

Why I do I suffer when he cheated?
Good question. Its just the way of life unfortunately.
Luckily there is this thing called Karma which usually pays people back twofold. He may be getting a younger women, but with that is a women who isn't fully matured or experienced and he will have to deal with that fallout eventually. Plus eventually their age difference will become even more apparent when she decides she wants a younger man and cheats or dumps him.
 

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Honey, he is telling you what he wants by not speaking to you, changing his number, having a relationship with another woman, moving out of state, buying a house with her, etc. You have got to accept what he IS telling you instead of hoping for him to tell you what you want to hear. I know it's easier said that done, but you have to move on with your life. File for divorce. You can do better than him. Get it over with so you can begin a new life and start healing. Hugs....
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Him moving to another state, buying a home with this 20 yo, and trying to get her pregnant are all things he doesn't know I know. His sil told me. If he wants to do all these things why not tell me so I can move on? I told him I would not get upset, no hard feelings, i'd file for divorce. Whats wrong with letting me know so I can move on? When I have talked to him in the past he tries to down play the seriousness of their relationship.
 
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