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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let me start by saying that I have been lurking here for a while and finally have the courage to post this in search of help and opinions of others in my situation. I am looking for both male and female responses so hopefully I can fully understand what I need to do if there is anything I can do

Before I delve into the situation let me state that I am by no means not responsible for anything that is happening. I had a very bad addiction to online gaming which led to most of the problems such as:her being ignored by me for the game, saying negative things or things being said before I thought about them, but I have fixed that problem, which has allowed me to think clearly and not be the jerk that I used to be.

The Story

My wife and I have been married since September of 2012 (relatively short I know) but have known each other since the 7th Grade. We dated for a brief time in high school, but as many of you know, we don't know what we want in high school and we went our separate ways but remained friends. We got back into touch with each other after high school and talked for a bit and then didn't talk to each other for almost a year. Then out of the blue we started calling and talking to each other again, and before I knew it, I was driving her up from Florida (she lived there because she went to college there) in a moving truck to Illinois.

We got an apartment together and everything was great. No fights, arguements or anything like that. I popped the question in July of 2011 and we started planning the big day, which as I stated earlier was in September of 2012.

We got married and had a great honeymoon. Then in October we started discussing her switching birth control, she was on the NuvaRing and it was causing infections and irritation so it made any kind of sex painful after a few minutes. So she saw her doctor towards the end of November and switched to a pill b.c. The doctor told her and me that this switch would cause hormonal imbalance for a few months which would change how she acted. I knew from prior experiences what that was like and told her I knew what to expect. Mind you she was on the NuvaRing for 4-5 years, so the side effects were quite severe. Before she switched, we got along great and had no communication problems whatsoever. Since the switch she has said quite a few hurtful things to me and we had many discussions on if our relationship would last.

She also had an emotional affair, that to my knowledge didn't get physical, but I have no proof that it didn't either. We had a major discussion yesterday about that and I spoke to the man (who happens to be one of our friends), but I dont know what to do anymore. I love her with all my heart but I am so broken and hurt right now that I am numb throughout the day.

Here's where you guys and gals come in.

If you have any questions, whether it be about what I have done or just in general, please ask and I will answer them.

Gals:
-Can switching birth control really cause my wife to fall out of love with me and is there anything I can do about it?

-I made a commitment to be there with her thru the good times and bad, but I have to ask the question.... When is it time to stop trying to fix something that she doesn't want fixed?


Guys:
-Have any of you been in this situation and worked thru it, if so what happened and how did you acomplish it?


Again any questions and responses are welcomed
 

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if you are not sure it went PA then 90% chance it did. i dont know if the pills made her not love you but what you are saying is that she no longer does. if you want to save the marriage you have to be willing to lose it. sit her down and be straight up, either things change or you will leave her. just my .02 cents dont bluff if she hesitates or blames you for everything then go get the divorce started you can always stop it if things get better
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How long were you addicted to the online game, how did you resolve it, and when did you resolve it? Believe it or not, that can have long lasting resentment effects. When did the EA start after you fixing the gaming problem?
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I was addicted for a little over a year, and it was resolved by my walking away from it. I just realized what I was doing and walked away. I quit the game at the beginning of november 2012.

The EA started towards the end of January.
 

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If she's still talking to the OM, nothing you do will make a difference.

If she has cut contact with him, then I would say she needs more time. She doesn't trust you anymore. You can say you've changed, and maybe you have, but think about how long you mistreated her. She'll need at least that much time to forgive you and move forward.

Is she interested in counseling?
 

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I agree with Terence about the PA/EA thing.. Although if you have no proof you have to try to except what you have been told.. HArd to do.. Keep your gaurd up but not to the point you obsess over it.. Is the OM still in the picture? If so, he probably needs to go.. I have a fWWSO and I know she had a PA and its tuff.. I would recommend IC and MC.. I know it has been working for us.. But even if it wasn't I think it helps people figure out where to go from here... I know that I will probably be in some for of IC the rest of my life.. I beleive that strongly in the positive I have seen out of me in the past few months..

You sound like you got a clear thinking head on your shoulders.. Walking away from any addiction and staying clean is hard work... Congrats to you..

Still think the bottom line in relationships and life in general is to figure out what you want and how to things work..
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
You sound like you got a clear thinking head on your shoulders.. Walking away from any addiction and staying clean is hard work... Congrats to you..
Its a struggle everyday, but I just take it one day at a time.

We had a conversation last night, she has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks to switch b.c. again. I have hopes that this will help bring back the woman I fell in love with and married, BUT I know nothing is certain. She also told me "I made a vow to you and I will do everything I can to make it through this".

That gives me some hope but I'm not putting all my hope into that statement.

The OM is currently out of the picture, when I confronted them both on what was going on, I was very clear that there was to be no communication between them in any form. So far that seems to be holding up because I also told her that I wanted full access to her phone's texts, computer, etc. To which she has been compliant with so that is also a plus I feel.

It's just a struggle right now to make it through the day without becoming overwhelmed by everything. Seems all I can do now is wait and see what transpires.....
 

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BBC NEWS | Health | Pill changes women's taste in men

Birth Control Pills Affect Women's Taste in Men: Scientific American

And there are many others ... so, quite possibly the pill might change her inate attraction parameters.

But that wouldn't MAKE her cheat.

We found that being on the pill upset my wife's libido - she came off it and things got better (and there are better methods of birth control than changing your body chemistry, I think.)

Suggest she comes off the pill, and see what happens to her feelings.

However, this only addresses one aspect of what's wrong.
 

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Let me start by saying that I have been lurking here for a while and finally have the courage to post this in search of help and opinions of others in my situation. I am looking for both male and female responses so hopefully I can fully understand what I need to do if there is anything I can do

Before I delve into the situation let me state that I am by no means not responsible for anything that is happening. I had a very bad addiction to online gaming which led to most of the problems such as:her being ignored by me for the game, saying negative things or things being said before I thought about them, but I have fixed that problem, which has allowed me to think clearly and not be the jerk that I used to be.

..............

No you haven't fixed the problem, you have ceased with the poor behaviour that caused the problem. Just stopping your online addiction does not mean the issue will go away. Sounds like you actions have cause great problems with your wife and your marriage, you need to fully own that and seek counselling to learn how to fix the mess you have made.



Gals:
-Can switching birth control really cause my wife to fall out of love with me and is there anything I can do about it?


No idea, BC has no impact on my moods at all. I would say that your past behaviour was what lead to your wife falling out of love with you and you seem to be wanting to blame it on her and the BC. This won't end well.

-I made a commitment to be there with her thru the good times and bad, but I have to ask the question.... When is it time to stop trying to fix something that she doesn't want fixed?


Guys:
-Have any of you been in this situation and worked thru it, if so what happened and how did you acomplish it?


Again any questions and responses are welcomed
Good luck with all this but unless you are going to step up and take some real action yourself then it is a lost cause.
 

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In the time that should have been purposed for learning each other's needs, you hadn't made an environment where bonding could flourish. Since she couldn't fine it from you, in her emptiness she is vulnerable to have her emotional needs filled else where. Now it's time to get that back. I assume your question is how?

You have not mentioned MC, a good counselor can be of great help. Seek one out.

In the mean time I suggest two of the most recommended books, by the posters on this site. These books will open you eyes to how a marriage works, how it can fall apart and what you can do about it. You will see your self and situation in them. You can recover if you both are willing.

For you marriage:

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley

For you, as a man: (no it's not a sex manual)

Married Man Sex Life

Get them today!

Good Luck
 
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