[hope4us]

I have been married for 20 years to a man who I want to believe is my best friend. We work together in our family business.
Last year I discovered emails that he had not deleted from an old girlfriend (25 years ago) that he had found him on the internet. He explained to me that he did not want to hurt me, thus deleting inbox, outbox and trash. I forgave him.
It has happened again. This time with a member of a civic group he is a member of. He let me know that he was doing a three hour a week for 12 week training with a co member frim his group. He failed to tell me that it was a woman, which is unusual for this group. I noticed emails showing up at work with pics of him and this other woman. When I questioned who she was he told me that she was partnered with him at the evening training.
We went to an awards dinner last night and at the end of the evening I discovered that she was the member of the group attending the training with him. I could not understand why he choose to hide this from me. He told me that he was pretty sure that he had mentioned it. I then checked his personal email account and found out that he has been corresponding with her and deleting threads with the exception of a few of the newer ones. I do not see anything harmful in the emails other than him offering his personal email address. I just feel that he is not being completly honest with me. Considering what I know, I question what I do not know. I also question his jealousy as a sign of his own indescretions. He apolgized quickly and went right into rationalizing what he had done, only to make himself feel better and making me feel worse. He did admit to enjoying the feeling he got in having this other woman as a friend. I know that it took alot for him to admit that. He did agree that he would not like it at all if the situation been reversed. He says he is sorry sarcastically, like I am the one with the problem.
We slept in separate rooms last night and havent spoken since.

 

[draconis]

Well, it depends on the level of trust you have in him and if he actually was having an EA with either woman, I'd need to know that before I could offer advise.

draconis

 

[hope4us]

I thought that I trusted him completly.
I know that with his ex, there had been emails that were personal in nature to both of their relationships.
Currently, is harder to say. I just got a feeling of awkwardness with him at the dinner last night. I do not want to read anymore into this than necassary. I have had problems with him in the past reading more into what I do and I do not like it. I am trying to be respecful of him, but I do not want to be played a fool. I think that we have done a pretty good job at getting past his jealousy issue, partly in reading posts on this site. I am now faced with the issues myself. The difference is that I have never done anything to make him distrust me and am honest to a fault. I feel like he has violated my trust.

 

[hope4us]

A little backgroung on my husband.
He is an extremely high need individual. I am almost afraid to say how bad it has been in the past.

 

[draconis]

just to let you know you can send pm's here than destroy them like an email and it is not public domain.

I do see red flags that he has trust issues, and from what you have said is without cause. When a person has an Emotional Affair they lose some of their privacy to regain trust, just my opinion. Most marriage can and I hope will be saved, but in your case I think communication on both sides (more on his) is needed. When he tells you something how well do you really listen to him? How often do you two talk in general about your life(s)?

draconis

 

[hope4us]

I listen carefully and in general try to keep my composure. I have been known to come unglued and I feel that this is due to the straw that broke the camels back syndrome.
We have alot to talk about in regards to our business, but we make efforts to minimize these conversations when we are outside of work. We both have activities that we enjoy together and also independantly. With both of our children in college this year we have a new found independance. We started doing new things together like going to concerts, taking dance classes, going dancing and enjoying the old favorites that we did with the kids when they were at home.
I feel that my husband is a bit of an ego maniac and I know that I enable him.
He also does not handle difficult situations well at all. I am the one who deals with all the problems, i am the one who fixes things at home and at work.
I realize as the day has gone by that it is no surprise that he stayed at work late, won't call and decided to go climbing with our son this evening. This is just his way of avioding me while I am upset. I will give in an forgive and try to forget and make love with him to show him how much I care. I love him too much to let something so trivial effect our relationship. I remember reading somthing along time ago that went something like this. "Two halves make a whole but when 2 wholes meet and make one, that is beauty, that is love."
We are two whole people each of us with our own strengths and flaws. Thank you for asking me the questions that has lead me to find my own answers. I can second guess myself and my decision to let let this go but what would it accomplish? I will let this go and if it happens again...I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

[hope4us]

Hi draconis,
I believe that in my situation that it is best to leave the past behind me. My problems with my husband in the past has made our present and future a stronger one.

 

[draconis]

It is good to know that you are moving forward with your marriage, we are always here even if you need to vent. Once a good psychologist once told me his job wasn't to give me the answers but to give me the ability to find them.

dracoinis

 

[swedish]

Well put, Draconis. It almost seems that if your husband has had past issues with jealousy that he assumes you may feel the same about him having any contact with women so he covers his tracks even though he hasn't crossed any marital boundaries. My best to you both.

 

[hope4us]

Its happening again! I have recently found out that my spouse is Private messaging old girlfriends. I also found out that he has been working out with a single, attractive woman at his gym formonths. Texting back and forth about their meeting times or sorries for not being able to make it..blah, blah blah.
He states that he never did anything wrong, nor did he lie to me.
When asked how he would feel if I did the same, he admits that he wouldnt like it. I did some research on this and have read up on emotional affairs. They all start out innocent. I feel betrayed by the sheer volume of them. Just to make things clear....he has expended more time and energy into these other women than he has me. I was chalking it all up to our being busy with just moving our business and that things would straighten themselves out when things calmed down.
I realize that we have had our ups and downs in our 22 years together.....but I thought that everything was going along pretty well. He says that we are growing apart and turning 50 has made him think about his life. He wants to work things out, he wants us to do more together, he wants more......
I feel like I have spent our life together doing and doing for him and our family....to the point where I realize..I have lost me.
I find myself scrambling to keep my man. Dressing up more, trying to do more of the things he likes, sex sometimes several times a day. I dont know how long I can keep this up! I feel like I am fighting for something that I will never win. We have discussed separating and for practical purposes that means me moving. Now he is saying that maybe we should give it a little time before taking this step. I am confused. I love him so much that I feel like I am willing to try anything. I dont want to lose him and yet I question wether I am being unfair to myself by staying with him.