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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so, my wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4 months w/ 2 children. While laying in bed one evening, she decided to tell me that she had been sexually assaulted. Her abuser was her best friends brother. Although, as time went on ( 2 days), I began to give the situation more thought and slowly began to have my suspicions. I would ask for more details and much like an interrogation, ask more and more questions. Long story short, she then told me that the encounter was of a consensual sort. I got her to admit that she had sex with another man and enjoyed it but she had also stated that she stopped it during the act, mid-way because she had felt guilty. I'm not sure I believe that part though. At first I was furious and unable to even look at her not to mention be civil. As time goes on though, I've begun to think that there might be some chance of reconciliation but, the mere thought of intimacy freaks me out because all can envision is them two having sex. Also, I have so many intimacy issues already due to being victimized by women and my father sexually when I was a child, starting at around 5 years old. This is one of the things that makes it hard because she knew all of this about me and still cheated. As a result of the sexual abuse when I was child, our sex life wasn't as active as she would've liked, ( about 1-2 times a week) but, it's just difficult for me to express myself in that way. I feel so confused and hurt that therapy seems to be the only option as to gain specific tools and deal with the many issues acquired. Of course, any comments would be appreciated.
 

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When did this happen? You have only been married 4 months. You both need to get tested for STD's. She saying she stopped in the middle of intercourse because of feeling guilty is laughable. She really must think you are a fool. Based on a timeline you may want to get a paternity test on one of your children. By the way the cheating spouse rarely ever tells you the full truth the first time. Do not be surprised if this was not just one time. Good luck.
 

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As BryanP said, both of you have to get tested for STDs.

And yes to professional therapy for BOTH of you.

What do you want? D or R. You must make a choice and be able to live with it.
 

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Has she remained friends with her BFF and the brother? Because if there is any hope then that must end. You don't get to cheat and then carry on like nothing happened.

And btw 1-2 times a week is fairly active to a lot of people, and does not qualify as putting her in desperate don't get enough at home territory.

Here's perhaps an important detail, how did she come to find herself in a position with the OM to have this even begin. You see that's when the cheating started, not when they got naked, but when she got physically close enough to begin touching and kissing.

I doubt this is all there is to the story, do not let her just sweep it under the rug saying.arent you happy I stopped it before I cheated? Because like I said, she cheated the moment she accepted him being inside her physical zone.
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When did this happen? You have only been married 4 months. You both need to get tested for STD's. She saying she stopped in the middle of intercourse because of feeling guilty is laughable. She really must think you are a fool. Based on a timeline you may want to get a paternity test on one of your children. By the way the cheating spouse rarely ever tells you the full truth the first time. Do not be surprised if this was not just one time. Good luck.
It happened apperently 4 weeks ago and I actually found out she had cheated 1 week ago. Also, I did have her go to a womens clinic to get tested and will find out the resuts this week. And yeah, stopping in the middle of things does seem laughable but, she's swearing by it and I guess I'm not sure how to tell if she's lying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
As BryanP said, both of you have to get tested for STDs.

And yes to professional therapy for BOTH of you.

What do you want? D or R. You must make a choice and be able to live with it.
I guess part of me haven't decided yet but, we did make an appointment for therapy at the end of this week. I still feel really confused.
 

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to help you make the R or D decision you should start digging and see if there was any other affairs or if it was going on longer than what she said

start with phone records to see if there were large amount of calls or texts placed
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Has she remained friends with her BFF and the brother? Because if there is any hope then that must end. You don't get to cheat and then carry on like nothing happened.

And btw 1-2 times a week is fairly active to a lot of people, and does not qualify as putting her in desperate don't get enough at home territory.

Here's perhaps an important detail, how did she come to find herself in a position with the OM to have this even begin. You see that's when the cheating started, not when they got naked, but when she got physically close enough to begin touching and kissing.

I doubt this is all there is to the story, do not let her just sweep it under the rug saying.arent you happy I stopped it before I cheated? Because like I said, she cheated the moment she accepted him being inside her physical zone.
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Yeah, she still wants to be friends w/ her BFF but I've let her know how uncomfortable that would make me feel. As far as sexual activity, she's saying that part of the reason is I hadn't been making her feel sexy enough. But now, she's changed her story saying, it's her insecurities and not me. This could be believable because in a way, she's trying to search within herself and answer that question, "Why did I cheat"...? Because mabey she's not sure.

Also, the encounter happened when she was volunteering to work at our local theater and had a little to much to drink according to her and the OM was drunk as well, followed her into the bathroom; initiated a kiss, she kissed back and they went from there. It sounds stupid but, her stating that she stopped it mid-way would mean a lot and I'm really struggling with the fact that they could've finished. Even though cheating is cheating.
 

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Typical fact dampening.
Hear what she says, but believe it less.
 

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Odds are she is lying about both the extent of the affair and his completion. One waytofind out is to have her take a polygraph. There are very good odds that thiere is way more here than you know.
 

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Think about her story, because it doesn't add up.

The guy just decided to, after a couple of drinks, to out oftye blue follow her in and start kissing. There was clearly something already going on that would have made him think thatthiswould be acceptable with her. No man would just go in to the nath like this expecting it to be ok. Which it appears to ave been.

There s much more here than she is admitting too.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Odds are she is lying about both the extent of the affair and his completion. One waytofind out is to have her take a polygraph. There are very good odds that thiere is way more here than you know.
Perhaps our therapist can do one otherwise, where could I go for something like that....?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Think about her story, because it doesn't add up.

The guy just decided to, after a couple of drinks, to out oftye blue follow her in and start kissing. There was clearly something already going on that would have made him think thatthiswould be acceptable with her. No man would just go in to the nath like this expecting it to be ok. Which it appears to ave been.

There s much more here than she is admitting too.
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Keep in mind this dude is a total horn-dog that is a raging alcoholic and cannot keep it in his pants. Plus, he's made multiple advances towards her in the past that she's told me about. Of course she said nothing ever came of it and she had turned him down each time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
One technique used by investigators is to have the person tell the story in reverse.
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As to check for inconstancies....? I'll give it a shot cause at this point I'm pretty desperate and can't take the fact that I don't know what's going on.
 

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As to check for inconstancies....? I'll give it a shot cause at this point I'm pretty desperate and can't take the fact that I don't know what's going on.
Yes. Turns out people have trouble constructing lies in reverse order. We are taught in school to write stories, but in a forward order.
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Keep in mind this dude is a total horn-dog that is a raging alcoholic and cannot keep it in his pants. Plus, he's made multiple advances towards her in the past that she's told me about. Of course she said nothing ever came of it and she had turned him down each time.
Well, you are relying on the characterizations of a known liar, your wife. Were you there when he approached her in the past? Did you witness any of this?
 

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I think you have to use some common sense here. She allowed the guy to do whatever he wanted including the act of sexual intercourse. I doubt very much she stopped in the middle of it as well. That's just her trying to save some face with you and get you to try and feel for her being conflicted.
 

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Where was this friend while her brother was screwing her?? At the very least she saw the flirting etc prior to!!! I would also check her email/texts if can to see what they said to each other both the brother and friend. Was she calling/texing the brother prior etc!!

But yes she loses this friend.
 
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