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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, this is my first post, so here we go.
I've been with my husband for 32yrs and married for 28ys. I was 17 and he was 20. He was my only boyfriend and I've never dated anyone else. I never had the desire. We have been passionately in love and happy for most of those years. He's and incredible dad and was a very loving and affectionate husband. Oh, and did I mention, we worked together in our business for 25yrs. We truly enjoy each others company and we are best friends. We did everything together.
3 years ago he brought to my attention that he wasn't happy and that we need to get back on track. I thought it was just another marital issue that can be fixed. Time went on and he approached me again last November that he feels empty and he really needs me to love him more. I've done my share of disrespecting him and I take the blame for my actions. In the meantime he met a woman and they became friends and February 2012 he got romantically involved. He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either. He's moving in with his sister in a couple of weeks. He doesn't believe I could ever forgive him and he doesn't want thing to be the same so he's stuck and confused. I try the 180 and keep failing. Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.
 

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Please see the newbie link in my sig.

Have you been tested for STD's?

You cannot force him to stay married to you if he's determined to leave you for the other woman (because that is what he's doing). I highly doubt he isn't in contact with her- how do you know this? Let him go, do a better job of the 180 for yourself, and decide to be happy. Easier said than done I know, but it has to be done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
His sister is not encouraging his infidelity, in fact his mom and sister love me very much. It's a good place for him to be because they can help him with his thinking.

I'm not forcing him to stay married to me at all. He says he is confused and is "stuck" whatever that means. My emotions are everywhere and I find myself starting over with the 180 everyday.
He is a great man and worth fighting for and he says hell always love me but I don't think he's in love with me. I'm a beautiful and sexy 49 year old woman who looks like she's in her mid thirties. I get looks all the time so my self esteem hasn't been crushed. I just love him so much and I'm so confused! He's never been a womanizer.

Let me give you a little more detail on how I found out about the affair. I left for a 30 day vacation with my parents and best friend and while I was away their relationship escalated. I found an email while I was on vacation, that he had sent a picture to this woman. I brought it to his attention and he said it was nothing. I searched and found out what she looked like and where she lives along with a phone number. I had an awful gut feeling that it was more that what he had eluded it to be.

When I got back from vacation, he told me he loves me but was not in love with me like he used to. He said he's been feeling this void for a while now. I was devastated and tried everything to no avail. He said he was going camping one weekend by himself and in the meantime I decided to show up at her home and there he was! That was a month ago, and ever since then it has been chaotic. He wants to try, but he can't let go of her, he loves her but says he loves me more. I'm lost and confused. I just want to be loved again! Please help
 

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Have you kids?

It is rather rare for a man who is married for 30 years to be distancing himself from his wife.

I think there are some issues in the relationship.

You both need counseling. Things will be alright soon.

Take care
 

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"He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either."

I am a firm believer that you cannot love two people at once. He is unwilling to end one relationship, which relationship-I have no idea.
He either has broken it off, or he hasn't. Why do you want three people in your marriage? I wouldn't want a "best friend" that treated me with such disrespect. But that's me. If you want your marriage back, don't let him leave without a game plan for how you both expect to get back to what you had. His leaving home sounds like a way for him to see the OW.
 
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He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either.

He's moving in with his sister in a couple of weeks. He doesn't believe I could ever forgive him and he doesn't want thing to be the same so he's stuck and confused.

I try the 180 and keep failing. Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.
The words I put into bold is cheater speak for I want to leave but I want to find a way to blame you.

Hence he claims he needs to leave 'cause he is psychic and knows that you will never forgive him, even though YOU want to reconcile.

This guy is a coward.

File, and don't look back.

Edited to add:

If you file you need not divorce right away. But seeing an attorney can assure that your bank accounts are frozen so your husband can't spend more money on the OW, and that you don't get ripped off in the end.

Your husband wants cake. He did love you.......until he tasted some cake.

This guy is not NICE and not trustworthy. Particularly NOT WHILE IN THE AFFAIR.

Protect yourself. See a lawyer like yesterday.
 

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Ryry, you're up against a big problem here, he thinks he's in love, it doesn't matter if he is or not, he thinks he is. You essentially have two choices here, just two. 1: You let his infatuation play out, run its course, and eventually return to you, or, 2: You send a shockwave through his world that snaps him out of the fog. That's it, anything else will be a waste of time and prolonged agony.

Think of a teenager who thinks he/she's in love, the more you tell them it isn't real, the more real it will become in their mind. That's where his head is now.

There isn't an easy way out of this. None. Both options suck. This is your new reality, you're at a crossroad right now, at this moment, you have no choice but to pick a path. There is no going back, accept that.

Obviously the shockwave is divorce papers. It tells him, in the most definitive way, that his behavior will not be tolerated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wow... Some hard stuff to swallow! It's so hard to detach and disconnect when you've loved this man for 32 yrs. I have 2 grown kids that are hurt by all this as well. We had the kind of love and marriage that everyone looked up to. He's 52 yrs old, could he be facing midlife crisis? It's been 3yrs that he hasn't felt happy and he met this woman last Oct, which he said started as a friendship and he pursued the intimate relationship end of February.

He has a secret e-mail that he uses in order to contact her. Does anyone know how to break into his e-mail?
 

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As long as he is in contact with her, you have no marriage.

If he wants out, to go live with his sister and refuses to end contact with his AFFAIR partner, then file for divorce and have him served.

Do not let him have it both ways. He will walk all over you unless you take a stand.

Get sexy. Go out and buy a new blouse, perfume, get your hair cut, start exercising, get sunlight, call up old friends, go out, try a new hobby, eat somewhere new, plan a day trip to a place you've been meaning to go to but havne't visited yet. Little things.

Oh and buy some new underwear. It will make you feel good. ;)



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Wow... Some hard stuff to swallow! It's so hard to detach and disconnect when you've loved this man for 32 yrs. I have 2 grown kids that are hurt by all this as well. We had the kind of love and marriage that everyone looked up to. He's 52 yrs old, could he be facing midlife crisis? It's been 3yrs that he hasn't felt happy and he met this woman last Oct, which he said started as a friendship and he pursued the intimate relationship end of February.

He has a secret e-mail that he uses in order to contact her. Does anyone know how to break into his e-mail?
He should be giving you the password. If he won't, kick his ass out NOW, because he is still cheating and isn't the least bit remorseful. Him saying you can never forgive him blah blah blah is just him trying to make you feel like this is your fault.

Have you made an appt to be tested for STD's?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
LOL, fortunately for me cuz I've always taken good care of myself, I'm still pretty sexy! I'm 49 but always mistaken as someone in her mid 30's. I'm very fashionable and beautiful, at least everyone says so. I don't have self esteem issues, I'm just afraid to start over cuz I've never been with anyone else. Im gonna start doing the 180 and this time really stick with it. Wish me luck! So... Anyone out there know how to get into his e-mail?
 

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LOL, fortunately for me cuz I've always taken good care of myself, I'm still pretty sexy! I'm 49 but always mistaken as someone in her mid 30's. I'm very fashionable and beautiful, at least everyone says so. I don't have self esteem issues, I'm just afraid to start over cuz I've never been with anyone else. Im gonna start doing the 180 and this time really stick with it. Wish me luck! So... Anyone out there know how to get into his e-mail?

On the computer? try using a keylogger.
 
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