[StarLight81]

My husband told me he wanted a divorce one day, and about two weeks later he began having an affair. Although he was honest about wanting to end our relationship, he consistently denied the affair.

After confronting him with overwhelming evidence 6 weeks later he admitted to their relationship, at which time I left because I could not stay calm around him.

I couldn't handle that he had no more concern for me and was moving on with his life by participating in a new relationship even before our marriage was over (and while I was putting in tons of effort letting him know I wanted to stay married and was willing to change any way I could to meet his needs).

I'm writing because: Since I left I have just not been able to get over this other woman he's with. When I first found evidence something was up (her number calling his phone at 4 am) I contacted her in a non-confrontational way to let her know he was married. (I did not assume she knew he was married). Although I did this twice within about two weeks' time she ignored me both times and chose to go on continuing her relationship with my husband. I found out later that she was the one who pursued him - and she did know he was married with young children the whole time.

She says he told her that I was the one leaving him and that I was cheating on him with two other men (categorically untrue) - I've told her the truth and she has simply dismissed me, even going so far as to call me a liar to my face. She pretends these "facts" actually justify her behavior (even if she truely believed the lies, she was still WAY out of bounds to pursue a married man!)

I'd never even met this woman and feel like she came out of the blue and destroyed my relationship, my life and took my childrens' father away from them by taking advantage of a vulnerable time in our marriage.

I've talked to her extensively to try to find some closure, but she feels no remorse or discomfort for what she has done.

Her pursuit of my husband and her choice to ignore his wife when she was asked to stop has caused me and my children so much grief and pain.

On top of dealing with HIS decision to cheat and desire to end our marriage I feel like I am also dealing with this woman who has disrespected me and participated in destroying my family at full steam ahead. I truely believe that my husband and I are compatible and we would not now be filing for a real divorce if it weren't for a woman willing to have an affair with a married man hadn't been in the right place at the right time. Our relationship did need work, but it did not have to end, and it certainly did not have to end this way.

I do understand that ultimately he was the one who cheated - but it is how she ignored me and even after repeated conversations with her about how their affair has affected my family, still refuses to stop.

I just haven't figured out how to cope with my feelings for her - my husband and I have found some peace and are getting along now, but whenever I am reminded of her I have a physical reaction and I can feel logic and balance go out the window. I feel overwhelmed with anger and rage and just want her to feel the same emotional pain she has caused me.

- Hung Up

Now a month after the peak of the crises I am still loosing sleep and feeling distracted and preoccupied with her.
How can I get over this?

 

[jessi]

hi there,
I'm sorry you find yourself here and asking for support.....
Is your husband still in the house?
Has he filed for divorce?
Do you still want to try to work on your marriage?
There are steps here and lots of advice from the vets that could help you.
Stay calm, read all you can on this site and follow the plan.....
Ask your husband to stop seeing his affair woman, expose that affair to everyone that is close to him.
Meet all his needs, no love busters and make him see what he will be giving up......
It's a tough road but many marriages have come back from your exact same position......
again, read all you can, educate yourself ........
stay calm, don't worry about the OW, she is not worth a minute of your time..........

 

[StarLight81]

My husband is still in the house. I actually moved all my stuff out though and am staying with family.
I will try to find out where to read all that information you mentioned, it sounds very helpful.
So far I have told the people who's opinion he cares about the most about the affair and they actually supported him! None of their first marriages worked out and they have always encouraged each of us to leave each other. Big marriage supporters there! So that didn't help :/

As far as seeing what he will be missing I haven't seen him in 6 weeks now and the kinds haven't either.

Oh, and I am the one who filed for divorce - I felt I had to do it to protect myself emotionally and financially....He kept saying he was not open to reconciliation and was going to file when he had the money, but since I know he avoids paperwork and legal things like the plague I figured that would never happen and I would be waiting in limbo forever.

Deep down I don't want the divorce, but I'm still very confused about what the best thing to do for myself and my kids is. On one hand I think that the only way to save our relationship is to get divorced so that he doesn't feel "stuck" with me or feel trapped anymore....does that make any sense? Do you think that could work or would it just seal the end of us? ...

Oh, and yes I have asked him to stop seeing her...well, I've told him how awful it makes me feel that he's still with her, but I will be more direct today and ask him to stop flat out.

Thank You

 

[Wisp]

Sorry to hear all that this is happening to you and your family.

Here is where he is:..

He does not care about you, he is in the fog, the grass is greener on the other side, the OW is the perfect woman and so on. His bubble will burst, give it time.

It appears you have made some steps to protect your children and yourself.

There are a number of routes through this mire.

I do suspect that whilst you love him he is not in the same place as you.
For now assume this will going to the courts, get a good lawyer to protect yourself and your kids.
Even before you go to court the lawyer should be giving you sound advice on your current rights.
Do what you need to do, think of yourself and your kids only - not him; until or unless he comes out of the fog he is not going to change. Do not wait for him - set a time in your mind to complete this process and do not share this with him.


You may yet have a chance to fix your marriage but for now assume not, the lawyer must be tough please do not let him water down the process.
Sometimes it needs bit of shock and awe for the errant husband to realise his predicament.
Get started with the lawyer your H is far to comfortable in the position he is now, time you changed that for him.

To protect your good name and keep the high moral ground ensure you keep consistent in your messages to others.
He is the cheater, he is the liar, you love him and would like to rebuild your marriage (the last part is your choice to say if you so choose).

There is no other good advice to give you except words of comfort: - be brave, hang in there, keep yourself busy, take up a hobby or new hobbies look after YOURSELF.

 

[Chris Taylor]

I have seen situations like this where someone becomes obsessed with someone else who has wrongs them. It becomes their life trying to figure out why, how to right it or get revenge. It is never pretty and ultimately, you will look foolish, especially in front of your kids.

You have physically moved on. You now need to mentally move on. As Wisp said, keep busy, take up a hobby and direct the energy you will waste on this woman to something constructive and positive.

 

[turnera]

If you want him back, move back home. Then call everyone important in his family and HER family and tell them they are committing adultery. Make it VERY uncomfortable for them to pretend they are doing anything right. Make it obvious that no one will accept their relationship as legitimate. If you don't do this, your marriage is over because you just handed him everything he wanted. If you want to stay married, you will have to fight for it. That means exposure. marriagebuilders.com will teach you about it.

fwiw, it is HIGHLY unlikely that this affair started AFTER he told you he wanted out.

 

[StarLight81]

Thank you everyone. Turnera, your post was kind of hurtful though....if you read my previous reply I said that I already did tell everyone in his life about the affair and they didn't care. That was so incredibly hurtful and shocking that there is no way I'm going to get my hopes up that anyone in HER life would care, either. It seems like no one has any morals anymore. I wish so bad the world would not accept them and make it very difficult for them to be together but his family and their joint friends and coworkers have just embraced them. It just adds a whole nother layer of pain to an already heartbreaking situation.

Also...I am pretty confident I know exactly when and where the affair started. What was your purpose in commenting that he was probably already cheating on me? Like I really need more hurt....

 

[DawnD]

Turnera isn't trying to hurt you, she is just stating the reality of the situation. Don't take it as an attack of any sort or whatnot. I know how bad it hurts. My H cheated also. Unfortunately I was never notified of that until 18 months after the fact.

If you look through this site, they have some really great books mentioned throughout it, they have some good websites to look into and everything. Things to help you see what happened and to cope with it all. In all honesty, posting here, even to vent, has helped me so much. To know others are going through it and that I'm not alone makes it so much easier. (which kinda sounds effed up, but you get the meaning behind it I'm sure).

What do you want from all this? Do you want your marriage? Or do you not know? You really don't have to rush to any decisions, but you can only work on yourself. You can't make him become a better person, but you can sure make yourself see what you need and fix it.

If I had to guess, I am gonna say that you are in the phase where you wonder what you did to deserve this. NOTHING. You didn't do anything that warranted a cheating husband. This isn't about what you did or didn't do anymore, its about what he chose to do. Flip through here and find the sites that are here to help you.

 

[turnera]

What reason would he have had to just blurt out of nowhere that he wanted out, if he didn't already have a feeling that she was interested in him? It rarely works that way. People suffer through bad marriages for decades, but the instant someone else shows ANY attention, wow, all of a sudden, a light goes off in their head - I'm miserable! I'm attractive! I'm wanted! (by someone else) Why should I stay here?

Why is what I said hurtful? I told you (1) to go back and fight for your marriage; (2) to be more realistic about what you are dealing with; (3) that you can put pressure on them through exposure; and (4) YOU are the victim here so stop acting like the guilty party - if HE wants to cheat, let HIM move out.

You need to be mad about this, and you need to show him that he is acting like an ass and you are offended. At least you should be. Otherwise, you are just making it easier for him to move on, by scooting over so he can carry on his affair.

I've watched hundreds of people in your shoes vacillate between trying to kiss up and be nicer so as to reel their cheater back in, and standing up for themselves and shining a light on the adultery. I can tell you statistically speaking that it is those who fight who get their spouses back.

If you don't want him, fine - move on. I'm just telling you what works.

fwiw, exactly who knows what he's doing? His parents, siblings, best friends, cousins, neighbors, coworkers? All of them? How did that happen? Did you go to their HR department to let them know that two workers are carrying on an affair using work resources?

 

[flowergirl77]

If you want him back, move back home. Then call everyone important in his family and HER family and tell them they are committing adultery. Make it VERY uncomfortable for them to pretend they are doing anything right. Make it obvious that no one will accept their relationship as legitimate. If you don't do this, your marriage is over because you just handed him everything he wanted. If you want to stay married, you will have to fight for it. That means exposure. marriagebuilders.com will teach you about it.

fwiw, it is HIGHLY unlikely that this affair started AFTER he told you he wanted out.

:iagree:

The AFFAIR FOG is very real, and it messes up ones judgment and good sense. He is feeling the high of the newness of the relationship with the OW, and it has changed his feelings toward you b/c he is putting the energy into the other relationship. If you truly want your marriage-do not give him the freedom to 'play house' with another woman.Move back into your home, make your presence known, but don't beg, plead, or act needy. Work on yourself, and tell him you are not leaving, and if he is going to continue this relationship-he is the one who is going to have to make the move NOT YOU!! He is in the wrong here..remember that. Stay strong.

 

[Tanelornpete]

Starlight -

Dr. Phil asks a question that I like: 'How's that working out for you?' I'm asking it of you:

A lot of the pain you are experiencing is self inflicted. A wise course would be to stop the things you are doing that create painful emotions in yourself - you've experienced (and will experience) more pain that others create for you - no need to do it to yourself.

What Turnera wrote was not meant to be hurtful, nor was it written in a hurtful way. It was a statement of what is obvious to those of us who have seen this scenario (and seen it many, many times.) It may hurt to think of these things - but to withhold information that may help you because it might make you feel uncomfortable would pretty much be useless to you - if not downright damaging.

You wrote:

Oh, and I am the one who filed for divorce - I felt I had to do it to protect myself emotionally and financially....

Deep down I don't want the divorce, but I'm still very confused about what the best thing to do for myself and my kids is.

So don't do it! While you have the moral right to divorce him for infidelity - if you want to try to save your marriage - by all means, do that instead. There are things you can do that can get through to your husband - and they do not include freeing him to be with the Other Woman.

On one hand I think that the only way to save our relationship is to get divorced so that he doesn't feel "stuck" with me or feel trapped anymore....does that make any sense? Do you think that could work or would it just seal the end of us? ...

Quick note here: no, it is NOT the 'only' way. There are other things to do. On top of that, a divorce is one of the most damaging things you can do to a child. Use it ONLY as a last option - not the first!

He kept saying he was not open to reconciliation and was going to file when he had the money, but since I know he avoids paperwork and legal things like the plague I figured that would never happen and I would be waiting in limbo forever.

So let him! At least for the time being, as long as he is dawdling around, you have the opportunity to turn things around and make a much better and stronger marriage. And if things do come to a point where you must file (he is simply gone from the picture) - at THAT POINT, you will be able to say with clarity that YOU gave it everything you had, and he simply walked away. Your conscience will be clear.

Now. You state above that you want to save your marriage. I am going to assume you actually mean that and proceed accordingly.

Your FIRST STEP (and do NOTHING ELSE until you take this step) - stop all communication with the Other Woman - completely and totally. That is an entirely USELESS, IRRELEVANT and POINTLESS thing to do. The ONLY thing you will get out of it is pain. That is ALL. And unless pain is what you are really after, and not saving your marriage, then there are better things you can do with your time.

Once you take that step, read these articles:

How affairs start?

What to do RIGHT NOW, once you've discovered an affair

Seven Steps to ending an affair.

Vent on these boards, ask a lot of questions. And read stuff. A lot of people here are going through exactly what you are going through, and it helps to hear things from other viewpoints.

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