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I'll give a condensed view and can fill in if needed.

Newly remarried, 3.5 months. My daughter asked to have a SR pic (HS) taken with her mother and I. It got dropped on me the day we met with the photographer. about a week before the shot. I consented thinking it was just a kids wish for a pic. My wife was very upset. Then, it shows up on FB the other day. Now she has basically told me she is going back to her home (half-way across the country, we kept her place there). Shes says my daughter treats her like crap (she has). She says I have failed to protect her heart. I have dishonored the marriage by allow that pic. She is very hurt and angry. Says at herself for allowing but I think more at me.

I have written my daughter (she wouldn't return calls yesterday) explaining the pic thing, asking her to remove it and indicating the respect thing has got to change.

Have tried to share with me wife but she doesn't want to hear much from me right now.

She left her home and Sr HS boy to come be with me. He has father there. Frankly not the better parent though.

She reminds me Ive had to sacrifice nothing. Frankly she is choosing distance versus connection now. When you do that, you feed that and ascribe things to justify that view.

This is not a blame thing at all. My heart in this has always been to be the best husband I could be. I think I screwed up big time.

Give it to me straight. Thansk!
 

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You didn't screw up.

I'm divorced & if my daughter wanted a Sr. pic with her PARENTS, I would do it & my new husband could care less because he is mature & has his own kids like your new wife.

She is also mad because your teen daughter doesn't like her but that is very NORMAL. Teens are very emotional & usually do not treat step-parents well until they grow up & mature a bit.

I'm sorry your wife is acting like this with her threats to leave. I'm sure you are apologizing like crazy right?
 

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I agree. THe Senior pic with parents (even divorced parents).. I don't think that would be too weird or too much to ask.

I think the new wife is overreacting. Yes, I can see her point to an extent. Especially if her & your daughter do not have a good relationship. She feels left out, that you were trying to please your daughter instead of her. But.. in this case, it was her senior pictures... IMO you should have done that for your daughter & the wife should have nothing to do with it.

Her reaction to seeing it on facebook... well, I think was unreasonable. She must feel very insecure in your feelings or relationship. I think it would be kind of rude to ask your daughter to take it off of facebook.
 

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You didn't screw up.

I'm divorced & if my daughter wanted a Sr. pic with her PARENTS, I would do it & my new husband could care less because he is mature & has his own kids like your new wife.

She is also mad because your teen daughter doesn't like her but that is very NORMAL. Teens are very emotional & usually do not treat step-parents well until they grow up & mature a bit.

I'm sorry your wife is acting like this with her threats to leave. I'm sure you are apologizing like crazy right?
Yes I am. Unfortunately my wife doesn't really want to hear it. She said she is protecting herself and her feelings. She has also told me not to tell her what her feelings should be (or what she should be feeling). The later happened when I opined she is choosing distance while I am choosing connection. Honestly it is very uncomfortable. I want to talk and she doesn't want to listen. So how do you move forward? She has her walls up high and strong. I grant her all the anger and hurt she feels. But, I am not her enemy. I am her husband and I love her and I want to lover her more and more. She lives in FL and is going to back to close on a property she sold. She has told me it will be for a long time and may never come back. She told me a little while ago that she doesn't want my daughter around while she is here.
 

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I'm on your side in this one. Your wife is overreacting, and I think Chelle hit the nail on it's head. She feels left out of disrespected.

You want to recover that connection, so let's talk about how you can do that without trying to get her to accept blame. Blame won't ever help you reconnect.

Your wife's real issue is your daughter's disrespect. I think it's important for you to ask her what will make her feel respected and then enforce those boundaries with your daughter whenever it's reasonable. For instance, if your daughter calls her names, then you step in and discipline your daughter if she calls your wife a name. Take away her cell phone for a week and explain that it's wrong for her to do things that are hurtful to others.

It's equally disrespectful for your wife to try cutting your daughter out of your life. Does she really believe step families just magically blend together? She has to work on her relationship with your daughter, too. If she's not willing to do this, it might be in your best interest to let her stay in Florida.
 

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This kind of sounds like a "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of situation. Can you tell if there is anything else wrong between your wife and daughter? Be sure to pay attention to body language.

Probably both your wife and daughter view each other as a threat to your attention. You will probably need to set up some ground rules for respecting one another.
 

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She told me a little while ago that she doesn't want my daughter around while she is here.
Oh really? An ultimatum?

Does your daughter live with her Mother? Is she generally a decent teen with goals like college? or is she a holy terror?

I do agree that you need to step in & insist that your daughter treat your wife with respect. I am guessing you have been passive about that.

Here's the thing...you are apologizing over & over for the picture but you feel you did nothing wrong (I agree). So your apology is only to keep the peace, not sincere. Your wife is very sensitive. I see you apologizing ALOT in this relationship.
 

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Your wife's feelings are completely understandable, they're also incredibly selfish.

Yeah. Of course, she's not going to well up with joy when looking at a picture of you with your ex-wife and daughter (you know?...your old family).

But then the answer is for her to simply not look at it.

The answer is to realize that when she willingly entered into this second marriage (where both of you have children from your previous relationships)...she willingly entered into a situation that contains the feelings of more people than just her.

A situtation where the lines can blur sometimes.

A situation where what makes her step-daughter happy and what makes her happy are probably DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED and always will be.

And guess what? Between she and your daughter...

Overall she wins.

You are married to her....not to your daughter's mother

Your child asks for one picture of the cohesive family unit I'm sure she wishes she still had (and which Im sure she had NO PART in dissolving)

And your wife can't swallow her petty, jealousy enough to accept this graciously?

She throws a tantrum like a child?

And as for you...you were out of bounds asking your daughter to take the pic off fbook.

As your daughter, I would be furious with you because of your blatant disloyalty to me...at the expense of doing anything and everything to keep your new wife happy.

If your wife is already throwing out the "I sacrificed everything to be with you argument" all I can say is: you're in for a LONG MARRIAGE.

It's ironic to me that if you pick your wife's desires at the expense of your kids moving forward...you will probably end up with neither by your side in the end.

There's a happy medium in these situations.

You have to have loyalty to both parties.

And in this situation, the point goes to your daughter.
 

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Your wife overreacted and basically sounds very emotionally immature.

My ex and I spend time together with our children, my partner deals with that respectfully. He may well be hiding his feelings about it but he understands the importance of the bond between parents and children.
He understands this because he is a parent and he also spends time with his ex and their children. I step back and let him do this in peace.

Does your wife have children of her own? TBH I would be very hesitant having children with her. My guess is that she will be one of those women that bully you into treating any children you have with her as more important than your previous kids.
 

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I would be able to kinda understand her being upset (not the moving out part though) if she found out about the picture through Facebook. BUt if you've told her upfront that you were taking it, then there shouldn't be a problem...
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