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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
:scratchhead:

I saw another poster write on a post to Anynomus that "She Loves You but She's Not In Love with You"

What does that mean to you when someone says that?

I saw an message my wife sent to her female friend saying that she (my wife) was comfortable and loves me but not "Crazy In Love" with me.

What do you think that means, when she says she loves me but is not "CRAZY IN LOVE" with me?

What can be done?

Thanks.
 

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Need more imnformation in order to suggest what can be done, but I think it means that she loves you like a friend.

I told my ex the same thing when I split with her - I love her as a person, but there's no more spark/lust/crazy "think about her all the time" love like there once was.
 

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When I think of someone saying "I love you but not in love with you" It means they love you like a friend, or a family member. Not in love, like a love between a man and women that is passionate and full of desire.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Need more imnformation in order to suggest what can be done, but I think it means that she loves you like a friend.

I told my ex the same thing when I split with her - I love her as a person, but there's no more spark/lust/crazy "think about her all the time" love like there once was.
I think that is what it is with her too. Likes me like a friend. What happened in the case of you and your exwife that you think made you lose that spark where you didn't lust for her anymore? I still am in love with my wife but I do feel disconnected from her. We have small children and all the othe responsibilties and it does feel more like we are roomates sharing family responsibilities. On average we probably had sex once a month for the past 6+ since we started a family We don't do much together other than shared dinner, talk, watch TV after the children are in bed (on the nights she is home) and we go out to one date night a month usually to dinner or an occasional move.

Once you lose that spark, just wondering if you can ever get it back for someone.

Thanks.
 

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I think that is what it is with her too. Likes me like a friend. What happened in the case of you and your exwife that you think made you lose that spark where you didn't lust for her anymore? ...
It was gradual over years. We stopped the silly newlywed behavior, got too involved in living and generally forgot what it was like to be in love :( When we spent a lot of time together we argued, or she pulled her silent treatment (her favorite weapon).

Sex was the first thing to get cut back. Then kissing, and then hugging. At the end there, we were almost on a hand-shaking basis :( We rarely went out, we kept our distance, and ultimately she moved out of our bedroom, claiming snoring as the reason. I know the real reason - we weren't "married" anymore. We had become housemates.

I had tried to divorce her several years before I actually did, but she had cried and gotten to me, so I relented. The marriage was dead then, and I knew it, but I had taken my vows seriously and felt that if there was a glimmer of hope, it was worth a try. She never agreed to counseling, stating that she didn't trust doctors or social workers, and I think that ultimately kept the distance between us intact and actually increased gradually until I woke up one morning and had a real soul-searching, realizing that my marriage was dead, had been dead for years, and needed a proper burial.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sorry, thanks for sharing. It really takes a commitment of two people to make it it work. My wife and I are going to counseling individually. Except for one joint session with my therapist where my wife wanted to come along. I am still in love with my wife, but I don't know if her "loving" me is enough. Hopefully, we will be able to connected again and ignite a spark.
 

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She's cheating, my guess
This. That "in love" feeling only happens when a new partner is introduced. It's a readily observed fact in many different animals.


Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The original experiments with rats applied the following protocol:[6] A male rat was placed into an enclosed large box with four or five female rats in heat. He immediately began to mate with all the female rats again and again until eventually, he became exhausted. The females continued nudging and licking him, yet he did not respond. When a novel female was introduced into the box, he became alert and began to mate once again with the new female. This phenomenon is not limited to common rats.[7] The Coolidge effect is attributed to an increase in dopamine levels and the subsequent effect upon an animal's limbic system.[8]
Human males experience a post-ejaculatory refractory period after sex. They are temporarily incapable of engaging in sex with the same female after ejaculation and require time to recover full sexual function. In popular reference, the Coolidge effect is the well-documented phenomenon that the post-ejaculatory refractory period is reduced or eliminated if a novel female becomes available.[9] This effect is cited by evolutionary biologists as one reason why males are more likely to desire sex with a greater number and variety of partners than females. [9]
While the Coolidge effect is usually seen demonstrated by males—that is, males displaying renewed excitement with a novel female—Lester and Gorzalka developed a model to determine whether or not the Coolidge effect also occurs in females. Their experiment, which used hamsters instead of rats, found that it does occur to a lesser degree in females.[3][4]
 

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It doesn't always mean someone is cheating if they are no longer "in love" with you. People fall out of love for various reasons. I have done it before with a previous guy I dated. I just wasn't feeling it for him anymore plus his immaturity didn't help me desire him or want to even try to be in love with him. So I just kinda loved him like a friend.
 

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It means she doesn't have sexual attraction towards you. I'd be very very careful. She seems primed for an affair if she's not already in one.

Edit: and even if you don't think an affair will happen, do you want to stay as roommates?

I get that you still feel "in love" with your wife. Maybe it even increased after you finding out about your wife's feelings. But know codependency and clinginess(showing someone love even though they don't reciprocate) is a slippery slope and will make her feel smothered and lose even more attraction.
 

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I was there a year ago with my H. Ten years of being roomates, his depression, work, kids. Felt like I had three kids instead of two. The last thing I felt like was his wife.

It can change, but it takes two, completely engaged in the process of change. My H and I are in a totally different place these days, in a good way. My H is engaged with me again and I am letting go of my resentment (still working on it!)

How did we change? I lost it one day. I had gently tried to explain how I felt and that I needed more attention. Yes, I was direct, but it went in one ear and out the other. Until I had to get really, really pissed (not my style, I'm not a yeller) and basically tell him I can't take it anymore, I'm miserable and not going to live like this anymore. I then took the bull by the horns, became relentless in the intimacy department, read books. It was my last ditched effort and put all my eggs in one basket, and thankfully he stepped up to the plate.

While things are not perfect, we are making progress and feel more connected than we have in years.
 
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