[tobio]

Want to get some perspective...

Nearly two years ago now, my hubz had a mild EA with a girl he met at work. It didn't go too far but it was messy as we had a five-month-old baby at the time and I ended up throwing him out.

We did counselling and worked on reconciling and nearly two years later, things are much better. We have worked on boundaries a lot.

Anyway... Last year he started a new job. There are only three of them there, him, his boss and a woman. My feelers went up immediately. I know some things about her, she is a similar age to us, single, lives near to work. They all seem to get on well. I know there are days they will all be in the office together, days he won't be in the office with her at all, and days when it is just him and her.

He will often drop into conversation that they talked about this and that, or she is doing such and such at the weekend, she showed him a picture on her phone, etc.

There was an incident before Christmas where he gave her a lift home. She'd asked for help with lifting some heavy boards upstairs to their office so she could keep them there until she could get them home; he offered to help out and took her home.

I was really mad. He had clearly done it, THEN realised, uh-oh, this is not going to look good if I find out, so told me. We had a massive argument as I said he did not respect my feelings or even remember our agreements about what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour with members of the opposite sex.

He took it on board and has been really good and thoughtful since.

I am noticing more and more that he is bringing up his and her conversations. Now, with the previous girl this was something he did, I clearly remember him talking a lot about her but I used to laugh about it and even tease him as I was really trusting.

I don't know if I am just being hyper-vigilant. After all he does ring up conversations with his boss too, and being as there's only three of them there, they're all going to talk a lot if they're at the office together aren't they?

Does anyone have any advice? AFAIK he doesn't have her number or communicate with her outside of work in any way so I could just be worrying about nothing. Keep a watchful eye?

 

[MrK]

WOW. This is bad. He works with a woman. And not only that, HE HELPED HER RUN AN ERRAND!!!

Install a key logger, VAR under the car seat. Download all of his texts (does he have an iPhone?).

OK. Sorry for the sarcasm, but I think you're jumping the gun a little. Does it suck that life threw an (attractive? Y/N?) woman at your husband that will be alone with him a lot? Sure. And if she is attractive and personable, he WILL develop a sexual attraction to her (he's a man, no argument on this please). But there are only two of them, and they BOTH have to be OK with a married man having an affair. There are pretty good odds against.

But it's biology, and there is still a chance for it. Dial the jealousy WAY back. REMOVE the possibility that you are concerned. He know his boundaries, obviously. If he's concerned that helping her with an errand may be a red flag for you, he's not going to tell you about the lunches and phone calls. Get him to relax, then observe. If he's casual about it, you will know if he's heading into dangerous territory.

Listen to his conversations, but don't freak. I tell my wife stories about work mates all of the time. He's just got two. She SHOULD be in them (if she's NOT, I'd worry).

You can do a MINOR mount of "spying". Cell records should suffice. If there are calls and/or texts off hours, that is a HUGE red flag.

I have had many female work mates that I considered friends. Some of which my wife and I would see outside of work TOGETHER. Phone calls, texts, lunches, dinners, and god forbid movies or night clubs alone and outside of work are HUGE red flags (scratch that, they're dates). I have NEVER made effort to spend time outside of work one-on-one with a woman I didn't want to screw (and only BEFORE I was married, obviously.

Someone else should have better advice, but right now it just sucks. Handle it correctly and you can control your concerns by just staying on top of it.

 

[highwood]

No need to be sarcastic to her..she has some valid concerns I think based on past history.

I say be vigalent and monitor closely. I don't blame you for being concerned.

 

[tobio]

MrK, the helping with errands is part of hubz's rescuer mentality. He likes to help people. Doesn't want to offend them. I mean, he took the OW's phone number because "he didn't want to hurt her feelings." She engineered for them to be alone and he was clueless enough to walk right into it, find her tongue down his throat then spend two or three months NOT telling her to piss right off when she started texting and calling him because he wouldn't confront her point blank.

I don't know if she is attractive. I haven't seen her. He says nooooo - but like I said to him, he's hardly going to turn round and say to me, wow, she is FIT is he? He's hard to read, I am sure he is completely downplaying it anyway in a bid to reassure me, and I mean that in a genuine way on his part. Of course, I cannot read his mind and I doubt he would ever tell me if he DID find her attractive.

 

[LetDownNTX]

MrK, the helping with errands is part of hubz's rescuer mentality. He likes to help people. Doesn't want to offend them. I mean, he took the OW's phone number because "he didn't want to hurt her feelings." She engineered for them to be alone and he was clueless enough to walk right into it, find her tongue down his throat then spend two or three months NOT telling her to piss right off when she started texting and calling him because he wouldn't confront her point blank.

I don't know if she is attractive. I haven't seen her. He says nooooo - but like I said to him, he's hardly going to turn round and say to me, wow, she is FIT is he? He's hard to read, I am sure he is completely downplaying it anyway in a bid to reassure me, and I mean that in a genuine way on his part. Of course, I cannot read his mind and I doubt he would ever tell me if he DID find her attractive.

Whats keeping you from showing up at work and taking him out to lunch? And meeting the other woman for yourself?!?

 

[sunshinetoday]

It doesnt matter if she is attractive or not...most people have affairs with APs not as attractive as their spouse. Him speaking about this work friend alot is a HUGE red flag. I would be suspicious and def do some investigating. Him giving her a ride and helping her....NO WAY.....unless she is his grandma or mother

 

[Thundarr]

Whats keeping you from showing up at work and taking him out to lunch? And meeting the other woman for yourself?!?

That has the possibility of backfiring. Making them feel like they've put on a good show, like they've seemed inocent enough, etc.

 

[MrK]

Him speaking about this work friend alot is a HUGE red flag.

And not speaking about her at all would be HUG-er. You people will find cheating anywhere.

 

[TryingToRecover]

And not speaking about her at all would be HUG-er. You people will find cheating anywhere.

Speaking for myself and my WH only, I would be concerned if my WH had a female coworker he didn't ever talk about. His female coworker who eventually became the OW was someone he eventually stopped mentioning whatsoever. He would talk about everyone BUT her, and not because I was suspicious or a jealous person by habit. I wasn't suspicious until he gave me a reason to be.

I think it depends on the WS in question. Some probably can't keep themselves from finding ways to bring up a certain name and others will not mention anything, like my WH. I know someone else who is actively carrying on an affair and they find every reason possible to interject their AP's name into conversations .