[Jen3374G]

So I started to suffer from anxiety, panic disorder and clostrophobia about 10 years ago after the death of my first husband, related to PTSD. Since then, I have met my current husband and am pregnant with our fourth child.

Very often, he gets really defensive about me wanting "my space" in our very large bed. It's a king bed and I don't understand why he needs to be on top of me. I explain to him that I feel trapped and can't breathe when he is that close sometimes. He automatically recalls when we first got together and couldn't keep our hands off eachother. I explain to him that that was hormone driven and that was a different time. We now have 3 kids, one on the way, I am tired and it makes me uncomfortable.

He can only respond with "we are going to be in separate bedrooms soon" or "you should be happy that I love you as much as I do". Truth is, I AM HAPPY HE LOVES ME THAT MUCH, I JUST DONT WANT TO FEEL SMOTHERED!!! How can I get him to understand that this is a true and REAL thing and that I am not just being a ***** about being near him. Obviously we are close sometimes, or else we wouldnt be having our 4th kid.

 

[SunnyT]

Not sure why but I've read this and REALLY see his side.

This is his way of showing love and being affectionate, so maybe you wanting space in bed is (in his mind) just rejecting him. So even if you feel your wants/needs are valid, so are his.

Also, you started out listing your conditions/disorders, but then fend him off with other excuses...hormones, tired, uncomfortable... I'd think that negates the other reasons/issues in his mind.

Now you are close "sometimes". So you used to love this intimacy, and now....not so much. You've changed. (In his mind, or in reality?) It sounds like since the kids were born you are not as into the sex and intimacy as you once were.... maybe that's where his insecurity comes from (if that's what it is....maybe he just WANTS you).

Not sure how to solve this. But this is how I see it from his side. Since you are the one having a problem with it, then you have to figure out the compromises. A way for him to have this intimate time that matters to him, without you being smothered. It can't just be how to make him stop.

This can work out.... it will just take some thinking, and probably some trial and errors.

 

[Jen3374G]

Thank you for you reply, and I do appreciate your comments. Maybe I am not being completely clear about this being a physical and psychological disorder.

When you say that maybe I have changed and not as into sex, I am sure that may be true, but only some extent. We still have sex and I love it. But we are certainly not 17 anymore. I mean, he's 50, I am almost 40. Life changes and doesn't need to be about sex at bedtime every night. New relationships ALWAYS start off with a lot of sexual wants and desires and for most people, weans off regardless of love and devotion. All I meant was that he counters everything with "well, you used to like it when we couldn't keep our hands off eachother" Yeah, ofcourse I did. We were in the honeymoon of our relationship. But life is happening now. We have lots going on and a family. Don't get me wrong. We do cuddle. But I don't like him smothering me and if I ask for some space because I feel trapped and want to crawl out of my skin, I don't want to have to defend my true physical reactions to a real and true disorder. It just ends up with me going out on the couch long enough to start breathing properly again. And, well that ruins the entire night completely.

 

[SunnyT]

Well, we can debate the whole sex/kids/life thing.... but why?

I'd just disagree...

And I'm not arguing your reasons.... I'm just saying he has valid reasons too. So there HAS to be a way that works for both of you. Right now it seems that you are feeling like your feelings are not respected, and I bet he is thinking the same thing.

Let me just throw this out there: What if you have a "cuddling time limit"..... like 20 minutes into bedtime. Then you can both roll over and get some peace. Sounds kind of odd and clinical, but maybe that would work? He'd have to be on board of course.

Or, have more sex....immediately on getting into bed... so he will go to sleep and you can have your space?

Just brainstorming ideas.